Archive for July, 2009

5 reasons you should have listened

{ July 30, 2009 @ 2:23 pm } · { Uncategorized }
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mensch5

Excuse the severe lameassness of the way this installment is laid out. Technical difficulties and all that. Any snooch, sometimes people are compelled to tell you things about your life, or the way they expect things to go if some drastic measures aren’t taken and if you’re like most of the population you don’t listen to it. Well we think people should listen to us darn it,we know things, you should give that advice another listen and here are 5 reasons why.

 

1) Who’s your daddy?: We all have those friends that love to spread joy in the world….. by banging as many people as they can.When you tell them that they’re gonna wind up like you  knockin someone up or getting knocked up, they respond that they know what they’re doing and not to worry. You tell them that babies aside they could catch some serious booty flu, blowing guys in dumpsters opens them up for all kinds of germs after all. You tell them all this from love but you get the distinct impression that not only are they not paying any attention, they are probably thinking about the next piece of unprotected, unsanitary ass they’re gonna get. Time flies by and before you know it you’re attending their kids 1st birthday party. I told you so don’t seem to fit what with the cuteness of a baby and all but in your mind you know they should have heard you out. Then you see them not so discreetly scratching their hoo-ha throughout the day and when you ask them WTF they are doing they tell you they should have listened to you, now they have a baby and the clap and it really bugs their honey every time they get to itchin all on their junk. Then they ask you for one more piece of advice, how long is too long before you tell your partner in baby makin about the itchy badness in your pants?

 

2) You could have skipped that altogether: Drama for days…. lame as shit. You got major stuff going on right now, the kinds of stuff that make you pick up the phone and ask your bestie what they think you should do. You’ve got man drama,big drama. The man you resentperson you’re married to is getting more and more less the man you want, more the man you want to kill. They tell you ditch that assface and you say you will but don’t, as usual. A few months down the road you startnoticing things, like your laptop has mysteriously disappeared, your kids nintendo ds is gone too. And, now that you think of it, you went to sleep with a wedding ring on and now your ring finger is covered  in Crisco but there is no ring. What the whofleck? You realize with no small amount of effort ( cause you’re dumb) that your sweetie has been hittin the rock again and your shiz is at the dealers house. Your honey comes home after what you can only assume was Tyrone Biggum’s crack party and when you ask him where your stuff is he tells you he has no idea, someone must have broken in and stolen it, and left everything else. Right. If you had jut left that cracky loser when your homie told you to you could have avoided this dramz all together. Next time you’ll be more open to what they tell you, and you’ll definitely start hiding your valuables, crack whores  are sneaky.

 

 

3) That is not a good look for you, or anyone: You and your pals love to go shopping together and spend time doing that as often as possible. Of course you have to ask their opinion on the clothes you buy, it’s your bestie’s job to insure you don’t go out of the house looking like Courtney Love. You head into a store and see it: the most faboosh pantsuit ever. It’s all tan and cream and made of suede and you know that if it fits you’ll be wearing it right out of the store. You race up to it so they don’t see it first and practically rip it off the rack and run to the dressing room. They follow you in and you try it on. It feels a little tight in places but over all you think it’s perfect. You come out for their thoughts and they give you that all too familiar look of disapproval. They say it looks like sausage wrap a bit small and maybe you shouldn’t get it. You know it’s jealousy talking, you look hot and this little ensemble is gonna be a major peen magnet so you tell them you’re getting it and, as you knew you would, wear it right out of the store. There are tons of hot guys at the mall today and the king of hot guys is walking toward you right now. You knew spending 3 weeks worth of pay on this was  a good idea, if it helps you get this hottie’s pants off it was money well spent. He says hi and tells you his name is Jason, he tells you he loves your outfit, and smiles really big at you. Oh god he’s hot, you start to breathe a little faster, it feels like you’re dreaming, he may be the hottest guy you’ve ever seen up close. Then it happens, He smiles again and says ” What’s that made out of, camel toe?” He laughs and shoves his number into your friend’s hand then turns and walks away. Your friend is so shocked she just stands there and then suggests you go and return the outfit before the store closes, as you walk to the bathroom to change you realize that you shoulda listened and maybe you’d be getting some hot mall guy play instead of her.Now you’ll forever be known as the girl in the camel toe pantsuit. Fuck my life.

 

4) Your starting to see what they meant about the gay thing: Your boyfriend has a friend and you really like them. She has been friends with him since before he met you and he says she’s his best friend and wants you to get to know her. Before you know it you love her too. This chic is bomb, she’s cool, she’s funny, and she’s loyal and you love that about her. She talks less and less to him and more to you and before you know it, she’s your bestie too. One day she tells you she has to reveal something to you, your man used to be gay. Before you he was all about the peen and she actually met him through his ex boyfriend. You are a lil turned on  horrified, and you don’t believe her. You quit talking to her and decide she is trying to come between your relationship. Maybe she wants him. Then in the next few days you find yourself paying more attention to him and what he does. When his boys come over for a few beers and they start to wrestle on the floor you could swear you see him grab an ass and then get a semi. A few days after that your photo album full of Rob Pattinson pictures (what? That’s normal.) comes up missing and you find it in the bathrrom with him, and he’s all sweaty and out of breath. EWWW! You start to think maybe she was right and you regret cuttin her off. Before you know it your man is asking you how you feel about 3 somes, and not with another girl. You should have heard her out, there always were little things and in retrospect you see them now. Like the time he took you to a musical for your b-day, or when he gave you a makeover at home, and it looked good, or of course that time when you caught him making out with a dude in the stairwell of your apartments. Silly,unobservant you.

 

 

5) They said she was a slut,and they were right: Your hubby is great and you have an amazing relationship. The only problem is he hates your  BFF. He tells you she’s a slut, he tells you he doesn’t like her and he doesn’t want her around. He tells  you she can’t be trusted and you have no idea why he is being this way. She is amazing, you’d trust her with your life. Yes she can be a little promiscuous but who are you to judge? It’s not your business who she sleeps with, you love her anyway and don’t judge. You don’t care if he likes her or not and you keep her around. He eventually starts to come around and you guys all hang out together. You don’t know what you would do without her, you feel lucky to have her in your life. Hmm, this is strange though, you to notice that they are hanging out alot without you. She calls and talks to him on the phone instead of you. They go out alone and don’t come back for a really long time. Then it hits you, she is a slut and that slut is crewing your man. After you have tracked them down and beaten them both with the tire  iron your mom said to always carry, for protection, you realize that he was right. You wish you had listened to him but what are you gonna do now? You head to the house to burn his clothes waiting to exhale style and on the way stop by her job to get her fired. Yes, he was right, you should have cut her off, you should have dumped her and held onto him. Ahh, well. You happen to know that she has a raging case of crotch rot and that before he knows it that min peen he’s packin will likely fall off. Next time though,you’ll listen. Honeys before whores or something like that.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

5 reasons to legalize it

{ July 27, 2009 @ 12:33 am } · { Uncategorized }
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There is a constant debate about whether or not weed should be legalized in the U.S.. Though I don’t smoke anymore, yes people,despite what you read on this blog I am in fact, not a pothead, I still see many benefits from the legalization of weed. Before you get your panties in a twist, roll one up and read these 5.

 

1) Weed makes lame people funny: I’ve got a few friends that are, for lack of a better term, as dull as watching grass grow. When they get high though, they turn into comedians. They make jokes about funny stuff like tea bagging nuns or tripping old people. They do crazy things like see how many freezer pops they can eat in 10 minutes or try to fly off of my stairs. It’s all good. The world needs more laughter. So why not legalize weed so that when you walk down the street you can hit a joint and when your friends find a nice old homeless guy and then make him fall down you don’t have to hide your laughter for fear of legal prosecution.

 

 

2) Nothing says lovin like gettin high with grandma:  If weed were legal people could start to use it as a family bonding experience. Go to visit grams at the old folks home and blaze one. Then when she starts to fart the feared old lady farts that smell like the devil himself  crawled up there and released the evil, you will laugh instead of leave. When your mom wants to talk to you about your future you can get her stoned and eat a half gallon of ben and jerry’s instead and avoid calling her a nosy shrill bitch. Or when your kids turn 16 and start to blaze with their friends you can toke with them and go from lame ass to awesome mom in all of two hits. Or, and this is my personal fave, you can take hash brownies to the church bake sale and watch all the stiff jesus types get all sinner like. Ahhh, sinning, if that’s not family bonding I don’t know what is.

 

3) Weed is less harmful or addictive than alcohol or tobacco: Being prejudiced should be over by now. But no, the government hates weed but thinks that tobacco or alcohol should be legal. Why are you hatin on poor weed? Alcohol will kill you, it turns you into an addict when consumed too much and if you just drink too much even one time you could die right then and there. I have never heard of somebody dying from weed poisoning. In fact, I’m pretty sure that it is almost impossible to OD on weed. I’ve never heard of anyone robbing a liquor store for weed money. Tobacco causes cancer, low birth weight, heart disease, and a bunch of other ugly that I won’t list  cause  I lovez me some cancer sticksI don’t want to. Weed just makes you hungry and happy. Why do they want to stop people from havin some happy? Weed never did anything to you, poor weed just hangs out, trying to make people understand the significance of  Pink Floyd and bring you closer to nature, or cheeseburgers, whatever.

 

 

4) Gettin high is relaxing: When you’ve had a tough day at work or school or at the mcdonald’s you work at, coming home and burning one is a great way to relax. Maybe you have a tightly wound sweetheart and the only way to get her to stop bitching and give you some play is when she is sufficiently lit. Maybe your boss is such a d-bag that you fantasize about blazing with him so he would chill the shiz out and you could both take a breather. When you’re high all you want to do is mellow out and have a good time. Weed could help the bitchy,stressed and angry messes take a step back and relax for shitz sake. And think of the boost to the fast food companies, the munchies are real people, so real.

 

 

5) Legalizing weed will help clear out the prison systems: I know that alot of people are in the hoo-skow for selling weed and we the peeps are paying alot of money to house them in these prisons. If prisons were less crowded due to the release of weed dealers maybe those folks would calm down. The prisoners might stop dressing each other up and gettin real freaky naughty with each other. they may even stop shanking guards cuz their sammich was all icky today. If folks weren’t all crammed together like cattle they may decide to be nice. And if they didn’t, weed would be legal and all, just blow em a shotgun and wait for em to start singing sublime and playing spades again.

 

 

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5 reasons to stay single

{ July 21, 2009 @ 5:15 pm } · { Uncategorized }
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Recently we posted 5 reasons why you may have been dumped. Now that you’re a single person again we think you should hang on to that freedom and here are 5 reasons why.

 

 

1) You get to have strange: When you’re in a relationship it’s always the same piece of buns all the time. You find yourself doing the same things or avoiding sex altogether because if you have to suffer through another session of the swirly thing and fake the big O you might just off yourself right now. But to be single……… there is a never ending supply of strange out there! Hotties who are just lookin for some no strings action and a few heinekens to make their Thursday complete. When you have a steady honey you can’t go up to strangers and say things like ” You may not know it, but one day you and me are gonna bang”, or  ” Ever had sex on the beach? Want to?” . That one gets me every time. So stay single and venture into the world of strangers with strange, just remember that sometimes strangers with strange can leave lil gifts behind, like the herps.

 

2) There are no limits on where you go or what you do: If you’re a human being then you know that when you are in a relationship certain freedoms are given up. Like the ability to leave the house without having to tell someone where you’re going. Or explain why you were home at 8 when you got off at 6. The single life is all about freedom, no- one asks you where you are or who you’re with. It’s great. No one calls you on your birthday, or bothers you when you’re home alone and sick. People don’t buy you special things on X-mas or remind you to call your mom. Wait………….

 

3) You buy your own presents and always get what you want: Your ex was always buying you the most shit tastic gifts. It never seemed to sink in. You would tell her you wanted an xbox 360 and she would buy you a Bill Cosby sweater. You would ask for some new shoes and she would buy you a kitten named Mr. Fuzzy Nuts. Well rejoice! Now that you’re single you can be in charge of your presents. If it’s your b-day you can buy yourself gifts and you know you’ll like it. One things for sure though, you’ll definitely miss the guaranteed mouth lovin that always came on holidays. Yeah, when stuff comes on holidays it’s good. And no one will be doin any of that now. 

 

4) No more nagging: We all hate to be bitched at and your ex was always bitching. Stop spending our rent money on rock. Stop screwing the neighbor. Quit referring to my mother as a psycho hose beast. Nag nag nag. Well  that’s all over now. You can bang the neighbor if you want, just hope that the burning sensation you’re feeling will go away. And you can smoke whatever you want, who needs lights anyway? you’re doing the environment a favor, saving electricity and all that. And ya know what else? Her mom is a psycho hose beast so you’ll call her that all you want.  You may even call her cell and tell her that her mom is a psycho while you’re hittin the pipe and bangin the neighbor all at once. That’ll show her you have moved on and boy does it feel good to be a mature adult.

 

5) You don’t have to compromise: Being single means you don’t have to constantly find a “middle ground” — meaning, doing what they want to do (whether you like it or not). This includes being forced to suffer antique fairs and dinner with his friends or watch shitty movies you know you’ll hate. You can put that hideous old chair you love in the living room or hang up purple curtains if you want without the threat of no more sex. You can even get someone to agree to do that one thing in the bedroom you wanted to try but your honey would never agree to. No compromises. Your future looks so good right now, dirty sex, ugly furniture, lonely nights and no one to love you. Way to go!!!

5 Reasons you got dumped

{ July 19, 2009 @ 11:48 pm } · { Uncategorized }
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mira_FlairAlpha_number_5

 

 

I’m sure that no-one among us has been fortunate enough to escape being dumped…. at least once. It sucks and there’s no doubt about it. Before you go head first into your next relationship read 5 reasons why your honey may have decided to take the cat and leave your ass.

 

 

1) How can I miss you if you never leave? : Yes you heard them when they asked to have some space. You thought about it, the answer was that they had plenty of alone time when they were at work. After hours is all about you.  You go everywhere together, you do everything together. You love your shnuckums so much that you suffocate and smother spend every moment you can being with them. Well what do ya know? They start to act strange. At first you notice them not calling you on their breaks so much, then you notice that their stuff starts slowly disappearing. Maybe it was a bit much when you insisted on staying in the bathroom while they deuced so you could check  the shower curtain rod, insisting that you loved them and it shouldn’t matter if you saw their pooping face. When you come home from your job one day to find the next stalker victim  the love of your life and your cat Mr. Fuzzy Nuts gone you are so distraught. Next time listen when they tell you they would rather swallow a handful of hot staples than go another day with you. They were serious, and if you doubt it just show up at their mom’s house and watch as they down some office supplies.

 

2) You suck at listening: You are thinking about alot right now. Trying to recall something important. You know you and your girl had an argument, well mostly she did. She yelled and you looked at her intently and thought about how hot that girl in the new transformer’s movie is. You put all the mmhmm’s in at the right time and you think she didn’t even notice the fact that you weren’t even listening to her. Now that she’s gone and not returning your texts you start to think that maybe something important was in there somewhere. Hmm, you start to have flashbacks of the conversation you were supposed to be listening to, something about a dumpster. And burning….. and your cell phone.  As you start to connect the dots you remember what she said. There were pics of some blogger random girl, blowing you behind a dumpster on your phone. And she went to the doc cause it burned when she peed. She said you were over and suggested you seek medical attention cuz your man berries have a slightly green color and cartoon stink lines coming off of them in waves. You call and make an appointment for the doc and while you cruise the aisles of Walgreens looking for Charlie Sheen’s Crabs Cream, you tell yourself you will be a better listener the next time around, listening is the key.

 

3) You have gotten lazy, and she’s gotten pissed: Nagging is a right of all women. We are all too aware of the fact that it drives you crazy, we know it makes you uncomfortable. We like that. You are really starting to piss us off though. You haven’t cut the yard in 3 weeks and the grass is so tall our kid lost their bike in it. No matter how many times we ask you to, you still haven’t mastered the skill of putting the laundry in the basket instead of on top of it. And what’s worse is you act like all the shiz we do just magically happens. It’s like poof! dinner. Poof again…… the house is clean. Poof again again…. the bills are paid. Well you should have pulled your head out of your assyour fingers out of your ears and listened to all that bitching cuz now you have to take your laundry to your mom’s and she is starting to act a lil miffed. And no more magical dinners either, you’ve been hittin up Taco Bell every night this week and your stomach is angry about it. Maybe the taco bell and upset stomach is why mom is so upset about doing your laundry. Know what else? When the grass finally was cut, you found that something else had been hiding in the grass too, the hot neighbor guy who was all too happy to wash the dishes and cut the grass……. and bang your girl.

 

4) You tried to change them : Yupp, first rule of dating is if you can’t be with them as is don’t be with them at all. It’s more common than people care to admit, they find someone who is hot as hell but is a habitual fuck around, or they are super sweet but don’t work. You know the types, fixer uppers. Well when you met your hot as hell honey you just knew that with a little love they would change. After a year or two they didn’t change. You pushed harder. Still no luck.  Who do you think you are asking them to stop screwing your sister and smokin crack? That’s all their fave stuff!  Next time you’ll think before you try to become captain save a ho.

 

 

5)  It’s not me, it’s you: Yes we meant to say it like that. Sometimes relationships end because 2 people just don’t work together. or because one of you is a stinky dirty douche bag. Yeah, that’s right. You suck. You were dumped for that reason. You took all the other reasons on this list and did em all. You are a lazy, self involved, likely small peen having toxic balls. In case you hadn’t realized it, we hate you. We know you and our slutty sister have been banging and we know you gave us the herps. We know you paid the neighbor to do your chores and we know that even though we told you that you had to change you didn’t. Yeah yeah, I  know I said some things that would lead you to believe doing all that complaining might be reason to leave me, but at the end of the day only one of us can be right. It’s me, another right of being a woman. We tried to make it work but then we started picturing doing things to you, mean things. Like sending your grandma some pic of you behind  dumpster. Or showing up at your job drunk and puking on your boss. We figured before we caught a charge we should end it. Just remember hell hath no fury and all that. And that we still know where you work.

5 worst things to say during sex

{ July 17, 2009 @ 12:03 am } · { Uncategorized }
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I’m sure you know that there is a time and place for everything. For instance, when you’re in church you don’t start doing impressions of your homie with tourettes syndrome, not cool. You don’t take it upon yourself to reveal your sister has been screwing her ex at her engagement party. And there are definitely things you just don’t say during sex. Here is a list of the worst. Disclaimer: if you or someone you know has uttered any of these statements know that we are not referring to you, and also you’re a major D-BAG.

 

1) God, what’s that smell? Yeah, we went there. You know how it is, you’re in the throws of passion. You know that something mediocre amazing is about to happen, and then he says this. WTF? First of all you know for a fact that you don’t smell, you even bought that expensive woman junk spray so your hoo-hah would smell like roses. And now that you think about it, you smell something too. The smell only started when he took his scooby doo underoos off. I KNEW IT!! He has the funk, crotch rot, booty flu. That rank is coming from your honey and he is trying to pass it off on you, son of a bitch.  You should play it cool, repeat the question except look at his man junk when you say it. If he doesn’t know by then  that he’s been found out there’s no shame in saying it. You tell that frumunda cheese having stinky balls that his wang smells like spoiled milk and blue cheese and that he had better take those bio hazards that he calls undies and get the H out of there. If he asks you why you’re using letters for your curse words instead of saying them you reply, cuz I’m a lady toxic dick and see him to the door.

 

2)”Wait, you have herpes too right?”  Your just met her but she’s the one and you know it. She is perfect, she’s even been holding out the poontang until she was sure of the relationship and you totally banged her sisterrespect that. The night has finally come when the drawers are gonna drop and you are amped. You kiss and fool around for a while and then it happens, you two start goin at it like those animale on the nature channel when she stops you and asks this question. Well fuck no you don’t, wait, ya do now. After you get all indignant on that ass and freak out for a minute you figure out 2 things. 1) You prolly do have the herps now, your roomie took your last condom but you went in anyway figuring her to be a nice girl and all. 2) Yes, you are angry, but why stop now? You got that shiz, you’re sure of it, your junk is even burnin a lil bit now so screw it. Finish what you started and tomorrow you and Ms. Perfect will go get some handy dandy clap cream together. Ahh, true love.

 

3)On second thought, let’s turn the lights off: This one is a no-brainer. You are gettin some and when the clothes come off it’s a freakshow. Maybe they have an abundanec of body hair, maybe they are a lil more skinny/pudgy than you thought and the result is terrifying. Or maybe they have cooter critters so bad that when their drawers drop stuff comes running out like roaches when you turn on the lights. It’s a scary thought. When someone says this to you it’s a sign that you are in fact as gross as you thought you were. You’re really not that attractive, or the person your with was packin a pant full of tube socks and he doesn’t want the secret to get out before he has a chance to get off. I’m thinking the last one is more likely. Note to self: make em show you the goods before you disrobe to save yourself the trouble of laughing in their face and throwing them out.

 

4)Do you like it? : If you find yourself having to ask this question the answer is no. You suck. If I liked it I would be responding somehow. You wouldn’t have to ask, you would know. You might as well be asking if they are bored because you want them to say yes but you don’t want lies. Ask a question they can be honest to. Like it? Please. I like having uneventful, mind numbingly boring and stale sex, sure I do babe. I love you  and that tired swirly thing you think is so satisfying. Here’s a hint, if it’s quiet, they don’t like it. If they start crying in the middle of sex and asking aloud why they ever left their ex, it’s bad. IF they fall asleep during it all, then no they don’t like it. Stop asking and get to work and I swear to god if you even think swirly thing you are never gettin any ever again.

 

5) Oh Dan, Oh Dan, wait….. I mean Josh, sorry.: Yelling the wrong name had to be on here people. Yes, I know it’s obvious but really what is worse than that? Having someone yell the wrong name is pretty crushing, and telling. It means that they are thinking of someone else they hooked up with which is bad. It means that you are so inadequate that they couldn’t even fathom doing this with the person that’s there. It means, worst of all, that the person you are hooking up with is a turbo slut. Only whores say the wrong name. If you are so slutty that you can’t remember who you’re sleeping with while you’re sleeping with them you got issues babe. Remove yourself from atop this hoe bag and seek out new tang. And maybe a doctor, you never know what you’ll get when it comes to whores.

5 ways to get revenge

{ July 13, 2009 @ 2:43 am } · { Uncategorized }
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We’ve all been screwed by somebody in our lives and not always in the sweaty kind of way. If you are anything like me you may have found yourself sitting alone in your room trying to think of something you could do to that ass hole who told everybody you had booty flu. Here are 5 ways you can get even.

 

1) Get as many alarm clocks as possible, set them for different times throughout the night and hide them: Sleep deprivation is a bitch people. If someone you know has made the mistake of crossing you remember this. Get the clocks and hide them all over the house. They won’t be sleeping, if you live there you won’t be either but it’s worth it to inflict a little bit of pain on your much deserving roomie. Maybe next time they will think before they borrow your WHAM cd and return it scratched.

 

2)Take your sweetheart’s  favorite clubbing shirt and use an ultraviolet pen to write what’s on your mind: You just found out your club hopping honey is a big ole cheater. Well may I suggest this lil doozey? Under any black light whatever you write will show up and your loser ex will be exposed to the world. Suggestions? You didn’t think we wouldn’t tell you a few did you? I like classics like cheater or donkey fucker but don’t be afraid to get crazy with it. Whatever you say it’s sure to make an impression on them and anyone they are with. Nothing says revenge like this dude has herpes written all over their shirt.

 

3) Subscribe your enemy to all sorts of weird sex magazines but send them to their parent’s: This one is a classic folks. Classics are classics for a reason. Sign your wrong doer up for every sick magazine and DVD club you can find then send it all to mommy. When their conservative parents find out that their sweet Johnny or angelic Jane like to watch donkey shows they will be sure to react with all the swift indignation you can hope for. Not only will you feel gratified the laughs will never stop because you may just slip up and send it to the neighbors houses too.

 

4)Place a singles ad with their  phone number in newspapers and websites: List their interests as Star Trek and comic books. Maybe add only looking for fun people with no teeth, or loves pets… in a naughty way. The responses they get will be insane and never ending. While they try to figure out what add people keep referring to you can laugh in silence at your brilliance. And if you get some hot trekkie action out of the deal so be it.

 

5) Swap their KY Jelly with Icy-hot: You may not be able to see this one in action but trust me when I tell you it’s awesome. Wait for your moment and switch the contents of the tubes. If all goes right they will be hookin up with somebody and go rub on Icy-Hot in some very tender places. It will start to burn almost instantly. If you’re REALLY lucky they will get to their partner first and then the burning will start for them both. Nobody is finishing that night and it’s safe to say they will never hear from them again. It will have them convinced they have at the least a raging case of crotch rot from the night’s activities and maybe more. It’s sooo mean and it’s so fanfuckintastic. Maybe the next time you see them you’ll catch a glimpse of them scratching or purchasing some clap cream at Walgreens. The best way to use this of course is as a double wammy. Have a couple you hate? Scorch their junk and end that relationship for good. Consider it Karma for that time they sent your mom porn.

 

We haven’t done these but now you know what happens to people who step on our toes!! Kidding, kidding. We would definitely do these never do any of this stuff. Be careful and be nice!!

5 reasons drinking is a BAD idea

{ July 8, 2009 @ 1:31 am } · { Uncategorized }
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hr_5a

I love holidays!  Most of them anyway, I love coming together with friends and fam, having good food,and inevitably watching someone get too drunk and fall down. Since the 4th of july has just passed us all by and I’m sure some of these hilarious and awesome irresponsible games were played, we here at 5 decided we should list some reasons drinking games or drinking in general is a bad idea. Peer pressure, bad judgment, and a need for attention will almost guarantee that you’ll be the moron performing one of these acts.

 

1) Drinking games lead to jail: It’s been a great day, you and your homies are out, celebrating tuesday your fave holiday and now that it’s getting dark out your pal ( we’ll call him duke) suggests a lil  game you can play on the so very long drive home. Your judgement may be slightlt askew since you played beer pong and played it badly. Is there supposed to be 3 sets of yellow lines in the road?Ahh well, this game sounds good.  He says the game is called pur-doo-dah. You simply look for the cars with only one headlight and call out PURDOODAH! The last one to say fuck you has to remove an article of clothing. Wait, didn’t you watch an after school special about this? Before you know it you are almost totally naked along with all the other drunks in the car. When you get pulled over only 3 minutes from home because an officer spotted some flesh when he passed, you scramble to get dressed and hope to god no one grabs your pants by mistake. When it’s all said and done you and all your pals are goin to jail, all you can do now is hope when they call your mom to come bail you out they forget about the naked part. Damn beer pong.

 

2) You’re drunk: Playing drinking games has only one purpose, to get you sloshed and it never disappoints. The bad thing about this is that maybe you’re one of those people who lacks good judgement or common sense sober so when you get trashed there is no telling what crazy shiz you might pull. You may decide after one too many, that the coyote ugly guy next to you is so hot you have to take him now. After you step out of the dumpster you blew him in you’ve sobered up and realized this dude looks like a lawnmower got a hold of his face, LAME. You may feel brave and decide you’re gonna fight that guy who was staring at your girl. Sure, he’s so big he blocks out all light like a solar eclipse when he stands but everybody gets their ass whooped at least once in their life right? This would be his night. Or not, you’ll wind up in the hospital with your nose in the entirely wrong place wondering why that guy hit you. Last thing you remebered you were playing some tv drinking agame, the one where you had to drink verytime Homer says D’oh. Huh, what an asshole.

 

3) Drunk dialing is no joke: This is going to be great! You have a bunch of people coming over to watch the presidential debate on tv and more alcohol in your living room than any one should legally be allowed to have. Being the party planner extraordinaire that you are you went online to find some political drinking games to make this debate a little bit more fun. The debate is only half way over and everybody is trashed, most of all you. You pick up your iPhone and scroll through your contacts to see who you should call and invite over when you run across your boss’s home number. You start to think about the day you had today because that d-bag is such a jerk and decide you have had enough. You call him and tell him off, you tell him he can suck your ass and that everyone knows his wife used to be a dude and hang up. That’ll teach him. You wake up the next morning to the sound of your alarm and slam a cup of coffe and a handful of tylenol on your way to work so you can make it through the day. What’s this? Why are the security guys walking so quickly in your direction? Right before your face hits the concrete in front of the office along with the framed photo of mom and your world’s best son mug you have some vague memory of calling someone last night and telling them something. Well shit. That’s what you get for being involved in politics.

 

4) Drinking games are your friends way of telling you you’re boring: It seems like everytime you go to your buddies houses they are always suggesting some new drinking game and of course, you always wind up super trashed. After the last time where you thought you were just going to watch the debate and wound up wearing your underwear on your head, you think it’s time to find out what the damn deal is. You ask your BFF and, to your horror, they reply you are BORING with a capital B. They tell you that hanging out with you is only a good time when you’ve had a few. Otherwise you are a ginormous snooze fest, always going on and on about how your boss’s wife used to be a dude. You loosen up when you’re drunk and if you think they are hangin out with you all the time sober think again. You will have to do one of 2 things they say, grow a new personality or get trashed all the time and like it, otherwise they’re gonna serve you with BFF divorce papers.   Think about it this way, if you keep drinking like that then you’ll prolly die soon anyway so you might as well be happy right?

 

5) The truth hurts: Drinking games get you drunk, it’s a known fact. Why else would you play them? It’s not like the act of drinking isn’t fun in and of itself. The bad thing about them is that you get really drunk really fast. There have been several studies that show inhibitions are lowered when you’re drunk and boy don’t you know it. There have been more than one honey break up with you because when you were drunk you told them how you really felt.  Hell, you even recently drunk dialed your boss and next thing you know….fired. Well you decide that tonight will be different, you will get shitfaced  have a few drinks and not tell everybody everything you hate about them. It’s all about self control right? After a few dozen rounds of keg stands you feel fine. You decide to go search out your loving hubby. Mistake number one. You find him and are overcome with anger, you tell him he is a silly child with a teeny peen and you wish you had stayed single because at least then you had the option of bangin people on the side guilt free. When you wake up in the morning it’s hangover city. You stumble around the house in the dark and start to realize something is definitely wrong here, where is the tv? And why are all the dresser drawers pulled open? You go to the kitchen in search of  coffe and find a note taped to the machine. Dear Honey, I’m leaving you, and for the record, your sister loves my peen. Oops, you did it again.

5 reasons you are getting old

{ July 1, 2009 @ 11:14 pm } · { Uncategorized }
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5--9

 

In honor of constantly complaining about back pain my husband’ s upcoming 29th birthday, and after many discussions with Kimmie about how close we are to 30  age in today’s society, we are listing 5 reasons you are getting old. Some signs may be:In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first or when you’re told to act your own age, you die.  Here are some thoughts on other ways to tell you’ve got a foot and 4 toes in the grave.

 

1)You finally got your head together, now your body is falling apart: You sure are doing alot of patting yourself on the back lately. You finally have figured out a few things about life and you know what you need to do to be happy. Hell, you can remember the days when your priorites went, boos, sex, boos,weed,boos,life lessons……boos, in exactly that order. Not anymore though, you’re a real grown up now and you can’t even remember the last time you got to buy yourself a new pair of….. well anything, from the mall because you always have that damn light bill to pay. It feels good though, being responsible. Except when it hurts like hell. You have more than 3 doctors you see on a regular basis and there isn’t a day that goes by where you don’t say something hurts. Now that you are so smart you often wish you could go back in time and change some things you did,  maybe avoid that time when you got drunk and tried to fly off your buddy’s roof because as much as you hate to admit it, your mom was right. You will pay for it later.

 

2) You’re asleep, but others worry that you’re dead: Man the early hours you keep at your super adult like job are brutal. It’s a harsh reality that you wake up at 4 am to have time to get your coffee and morning news in before you head off to work. Something really crucial may have happened after you went to bed and you want to know about it. So after a long night Friday of  cooking out at your parents and watching law and order burning the midnight oil, you sleep in sometimes. You deserve it. So come Saturday when you wake up to your honey shaking you violently around 11 am looking really nervous you begin to realize that type of behavior is more than restfull. It’s a pre-curser to comaville for people your age. Your sweetie was terrified when you weren’t up by 8, he knows you always say that is like sleeping in for you.  They tell you they tried saying your name but you didn’t answer, of course the logical next step is to shake you so hard the blankets fell off.  You are mad at first, but hey, you needed to get up anyway if you want to have enough time to watch the whole last season of True Blood before it was bed time again.

 

3) You get pregnant and your friends are worried instead of happy:  Outrage is all you feel. You just called your BFF and told her you’re expecting another little angel and all she could say is: ” UH…….. are we happy? It’s like they are always judging you. Sure, your husband just got back from hocking your car for crack but they just don’t understand him like you do. And yes, you’ll admit,  when you went to the doctor he mummbled something that sounded alot like ” medical marvel” when he saw the age on your chart but, whatever. You were happy.

 

4)When you don’t care where your wife goes, just so you don’t have to go along: Jesus Christ Shepherd of Judea. Your wife is sooo needy. It’s like everytime she leaves the house you have to go with her. Why would you think I wanted  to go shopping for sandals?  After this last time when she drug you to the taping of Antiques Road Show, you decide that’s it. You are on doing stupid shit strike. After about 2 weeks you start to realize maybe you haven’t been paying attention when she tells you where she’s going. Uh oh. By the time you take a look around you start to see a few problems, big ones. Like you’re not sure when but she has definitely gotten another dog. And there is a mighty suspicious couch in the living room. Now that you mention it, there’s a young hot latin guy in the back yard with pool cleaning gear. Weird thing is, you don’t have a pool.

 

 

5) It takes twice as long to look half as good: Well it’s your anniversary. You’ve been married so long you start to think about renewing your vows on the next one.  When you start to get ready for your annual anniversary dinner, the place where you ate your wedding dinner at, Applebee’s, you decide you want to wear what you wore on your first date. It’ll be cute. You go to the closet and pull out those jeans, the ones you have in the back of your closet that you pull out sometimes and just look at. Then you grab your favorite tank and get dressed. Damn these pants are tight. It takes yous so long to get your pants up that when you’re done you are out of breath and decide that maybe you’ll just brush your hair, instead of curling it. You drag a brush through your hair and wind up going out with nothing more than lipgloss on. At the end of the day it’s the thought that counts right?