Posts Tagged ‘grandma’

5 reasons to legalize it

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There is a constant debate about whether or not weed should be legalized in the U.S.. Though I don’t smoke anymore, yes people,despite what you read on this blog I am in fact, not a pothead, I still see many benefits from the legalization of weed. Before you get your panties in a twist, roll one up and read these 5.

 

1) Weed makes lame people funny: I’ve got a few friends that are, for lack of a better term, as dull as watching grass grow. When they get high though, they turn into comedians. They make jokes about funny stuff like tea bagging nuns or tripping old people. They do crazy things like see how many freezer pops they can eat in 10 minutes or try to fly off of my stairs. It’s all good. The world needs more laughter. So why not legalize weed so that when you walk down the street you can hit a joint and when your friends find a nice old homeless guy and then make him fall down you don’t have to hide your laughter for fear of legal prosecution.

 

 

2) Nothing says lovin like gettin high with grandma:  If weed were legal people could start to use it as a family bonding experience. Go to visit grams at the old folks home and blaze one. Then when she starts to fart the feared old lady farts that smell like the devil himself  crawled up there and released the evil, you will laugh instead of leave. When your mom wants to talk to you about your future you can get her stoned and eat a half gallon of ben and jerry’s instead and avoid calling her a nosy shrill bitch. Or when your kids turn 16 and start to blaze with their friends you can toke with them and go from lame ass to awesome mom in all of two hits. Or, and this is my personal fave, you can take hash brownies to the church bake sale and watch all the stiff jesus types get all sinner like. Ahhh, sinning, if that’s not family bonding I don’t know what is.

 

3) Weed is less harmful or addictive than alcohol or tobacco: Being prejudiced should be over by now. But no, the government hates weed but thinks that tobacco or alcohol should be legal. Why are you hatin on poor weed? Alcohol will kill you, it turns you into an addict when consumed too much and if you just drink too much even one time you could die right then and there. I have never heard of somebody dying from weed poisoning. In fact, I’m pretty sure that it is almost impossible to OD on weed. I’ve never heard of anyone robbing a liquor store for weed money. Tobacco causes cancer, low birth weight, heart disease, and a bunch of other ugly that I won’t list  cause  I lovez me some cancer sticksI don’t want to. Weed just makes you hungry and happy. Why do they want to stop people from havin some happy? Weed never did anything to you, poor weed just hangs out, trying to make people understand the significance of  Pink Floyd and bring you closer to nature, or cheeseburgers, whatever.

 

 

4) Gettin high is relaxing: When you’ve had a tough day at work or school or at the mcdonald’s you work at, coming home and burning one is a great way to relax. Maybe you have a tightly wound sweetheart and the only way to get her to stop bitching and give you some play is when she is sufficiently lit. Maybe your boss is such a d-bag that you fantasize about blazing with him so he would chill the shiz out and you could both take a breather. When you’re high all you want to do is mellow out and have a good time. Weed could help the bitchy,stressed and angry messes take a step back and relax for shitz sake. And think of the boost to the fast food companies, the munchies are real people, so real.

 

 

5) Legalizing weed will help clear out the prison systems: I know that alot of people are in the hoo-skow for selling weed and we the peeps are paying alot of money to house them in these prisons. If prisons were less crowded due to the release of weed dealers maybe those folks would calm down. The prisoners might stop dressing each other up and gettin real freaky naughty with each other. they may even stop shanking guards cuz their sammich was all icky today. If folks weren’t all crammed together like cattle they may decide to be nice. And if they didn’t, weed would be legal and all, just blow em a shotgun and wait for em to start singing sublime and playing spades again.

 

 

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5 Reasons you got dumped

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I’m sure that no-one among us has been fortunate enough to escape being dumped…. at least once. It sucks and there’s no doubt about it. Before you go head first into your next relationship read 5 reasons why your honey may have decided to take the cat and leave your ass.

 

 

1) How can I miss you if you never leave? : Yes you heard them when they asked to have some space. You thought about it, the answer was that they had plenty of alone time when they were at work. After hours is all about you.  You go everywhere together, you do everything together. You love your shnuckums so much that you suffocate and smother spend every moment you can being with them. Well what do ya know? They start to act strange. At first you notice them not calling you on their breaks so much, then you notice that their stuff starts slowly disappearing. Maybe it was a bit much when you insisted on staying in the bathroom while they deuced so you could check  the shower curtain rod, insisting that you loved them and it shouldn’t matter if you saw their pooping face. When you come home from your job one day to find the next stalker victim  the love of your life and your cat Mr. Fuzzy Nuts gone you are so distraught. Next time listen when they tell you they would rather swallow a handful of hot staples than go another day with you. They were serious, and if you doubt it just show up at their mom’s house and watch as they down some office supplies.

 

2) You suck at listening: You are thinking about alot right now. Trying to recall something important. You know you and your girl had an argument, well mostly she did. She yelled and you looked at her intently and thought about how hot that girl in the new transformer’s movie is. You put all the mmhmm’s in at the right time and you think she didn’t even notice the fact that you weren’t even listening to her. Now that she’s gone and not returning your texts you start to think that maybe something important was in there somewhere. Hmm, you start to have flashbacks of the conversation you were supposed to be listening to, something about a dumpster. And burning….. and your cell phone.  As you start to connect the dots you remember what she said. There were pics of some blogger random girl, blowing you behind a dumpster on your phone. And she went to the doc cause it burned when she peed. She said you were over and suggested you seek medical attention cuz your man berries have a slightly green color and cartoon stink lines coming off of them in waves. You call and make an appointment for the doc and while you cruise the aisles of Walgreens looking for Charlie Sheen’s Crabs Cream, you tell yourself you will be a better listener the next time around, listening is the key.

 

3) You have gotten lazy, and she’s gotten pissed: Nagging is a right of all women. We are all too aware of the fact that it drives you crazy, we know it makes you uncomfortable. We like that. You are really starting to piss us off though. You haven’t cut the yard in 3 weeks and the grass is so tall our kid lost their bike in it. No matter how many times we ask you to, you still haven’t mastered the skill of putting the laundry in the basket instead of on top of it. And what’s worse is you act like all the shiz we do just magically happens. It’s like poof! dinner. Poof again…… the house is clean. Poof again again…. the bills are paid. Well you should have pulled your head out of your assyour fingers out of your ears and listened to all that bitching cuz now you have to take your laundry to your mom’s and she is starting to act a lil miffed. And no more magical dinners either, you’ve been hittin up Taco Bell every night this week and your stomach is angry about it. Maybe the taco bell and upset stomach is why mom is so upset about doing your laundry. Know what else? When the grass finally was cut, you found that something else had been hiding in the grass too, the hot neighbor guy who was all too happy to wash the dishes and cut the grass……. and bang your girl.

 

4) You tried to change them : Yupp, first rule of dating is if you can’t be with them as is don’t be with them at all. It’s more common than people care to admit, they find someone who is hot as hell but is a habitual fuck around, or they are super sweet but don’t work. You know the types, fixer uppers. Well when you met your hot as hell honey you just knew that with a little love they would change. After a year or two they didn’t change. You pushed harder. Still no luck.  Who do you think you are asking them to stop screwing your sister and smokin crack? That’s all their fave stuff!  Next time you’ll think before you try to become captain save a ho.

 

 

5)  It’s not me, it’s you: Yes we meant to say it like that. Sometimes relationships end because 2 people just don’t work together. or because one of you is a stinky dirty douche bag. Yeah, that’s right. You suck. You were dumped for that reason. You took all the other reasons on this list and did em all. You are a lazy, self involved, likely small peen having toxic balls. In case you hadn’t realized it, we hate you. We know you and our slutty sister have been banging and we know you gave us the herps. We know you paid the neighbor to do your chores and we know that even though we told you that you had to change you didn’t. Yeah yeah, I  know I said some things that would lead you to believe doing all that complaining might be reason to leave me, but at the end of the day only one of us can be right. It’s me, another right of being a woman. We tried to make it work but then we started picturing doing things to you, mean things. Like sending your grandma some pic of you behind  dumpster. Or showing up at your job drunk and puking on your boss. We figured before we caught a charge we should end it. Just remember hell hath no fury and all that. And that we still know where you work.