Archive for May, 2009

5 Reasons to send that E-Mail

5-2                                                               If you’re anything like me or my friends, you have, at least once, typed up an angry e-mail to someone and not sent it.  I’m sure at some point someone has pissed you off, you may have found yourself staring at this e-mail, feeling totally right for saying all the things you said, they deserve it!!! Well here are 5 reasons why the next time you type one of those little diddies you hit send instead of delete.

 

1) Your boss really is a dick: I’m sure we have all had moments when we wondered how our boss came to be the boss.  I can picture it now, you sitting behind your desk wondering how this incompetent ass came to be in charge of anything but a Krispy Kreme let alone the important kind of  job you have. Not to mention that he /she only makes your job more difficult by being completely useless. One morning he drops a stack of papers on your desk and tells you he’s off for the day so take care of these and walks away. As you sit, fuming, you pull up your office email account and begin composing the most heated, hate filled email of your life, it begins with: Dear Mr. Stupid Dick Boss. Uh oh, it just got real. You type and type until you have nothing left to say and have even hit on the fact that everyone knows he wears a toupe and he should just let it go. Now you sit staring at the screen and start the task of highlighting every anger filled word for deletion. STOP!!! Hit the send and be done, that guy is the king of douche bags, send it, take a stand for us all!!! And, you never know, maybe when you get fired and then lose your apartment, might let you crash on my couch………… maybe. 

 

2) Your honey deserves to know that you know: I’m sure I’m not the only person who has done a lil pc snooping, you have to these days.  So what if while you’re doing a little harmless snooping you run across a file marked trash. You are way to savvy to believe it’s really trash so you open it and what do ya know? PORN!!!!  You are furious, so mad you can’t see straight, why is he hiding porn on his computer? Can’t he just put it under the bed like a normal person?  So, full of self righteous indignation, you proceed to delete everything in that file and then fill it with a lil message from you so he’s knows he’s busted. You think it won’t be too long before he finds it, but then after you have satifactorily admonished him for his pervy ways,even throwing in the occasional,”What would your mother think?” you realize that you can’t post this, then he’ll know you were snooping and be very angry!! You’re sure he hasn’t forgotten last time, when you went through his phone and called his Aunt Lucille(thinking it’s his ex) and called her a slut then hung up. You decide it’s better to delete the whole folder and pretend to have no knowledge of it at all. Well think again, you send that message, then you call his Aunt Lucille and tell her about it. You can’t ignore that sick shiz can you? They deserve to know that you are totally aware of their brazilian fart fetish porn and you’re not happy. Snooping be damned!

 

3) Your Mom is tooo nosy: Your mother, god love her, is way too in your life. After her recent set up attempts with Barry the Mortician, or the even worse debacle before when she set you up with a taxidermist, you decide you have had enough. The e-mail will be direct and to the point, you’ll tell her to but out, it’ll start with something like: Dear Mom(person who ruined me for all men).  It’s a lengthy lil message, you really let loose here and you’re sure if she ever read this she would know not to push you anymore, so what if your”ovaries might as well not even be there”, not everybody wants kids right? It’s your life, you’ll procreate when you want dammit!  After you proof read your email you realize you can never send it, I mean she is your mom right? WHO CARES? You send that message right now!! You tell her to keep her opinions to herself and don’t even worry that you called her a shrew. Maybe you can make it better down the line, the point is you said what had to be said. Maybe for Mother’s Day you’ll take her somewhere nice.

4) Your best friend is retarded: Sweet Jesus, your BFF is as dumb as a box of hair, and god help you , you love her. She’s always screwing up and calling you to put her back together after she falls apart, again. So after her latest catastrophe( you told her this was gonna happen), where you had to go to her house at 3am to talk her down, you’ve had enough of her tardo antics. It’s time to let her know you don’t appreciate her crazy shiz spillin over into your life and damnit, you mean it this time. This email will set her straight, you love her but this is just ridiculous. Of course you feel bad that her boyfriend pawned her new Twilight themed mini-van off for crack, but hey, didn’t you warn her last time when he found her birth control pills, mistook them for Xanax, crushed em up and snorted em? Well hellz yeah you did. You spend the next hour typing and when it’s done you realize you just don’t have the heart to hurt her. My thoughts? HURT THE HEFFER! She is way too stupid for her own good, if you don’t tell her the truth noone will. She has to hear it, might as well be you. After all, if you can’t crush your BFF”s spirit and recover from it, you were never really friends at all.

5) Oprah is the devil:  Man days off are GREAT!! Thank god for tivo, you have the whole weeks worth of Oprah to catch up on, and you can’t wait. You sit yourself down with a bowl-o-calories and turn on the talk showy goodness. You’re about 3 episodes in now when it all takes an ugly turn, oh god. It’s the favorite things episode, you know, the one where she tells the world all her new fave stuff and gives it away to the audience? You watch in horror, you want all that stuff!! In fact, you sent Oprah an email last year, after the last one of these things, telling her how you and your cousin who is terminally ill( not really, she’s fine, but agreed to be ill for the puposes of free stuff), really want to come, please help you fullfill the dying wish of your dear cousin! That Bitch!! How could she not have sent you tickets?  It’s time to email again, this time it’s personal. You tell her she has gained WAY more than 20 pounds, you tell her she looks like a black Kirstie Alley. Then you tell her your cousin died from disappointment while watching this show. That’ll teach her. But wait, what if she calls you after this? What if Oprah feels really bad when she learns she killed your cousin and offers to come to the funeral? This could all go so wrong, so you delete that message. NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!  You send Oprah that messgae, she’s the devil dammit! Look what she did to Dr. Phil? He used to be respected! Now he’s a running joke with a bad accent. She must be stopped, or at the least taken down a peg. You send that angry message,and when you’re long gone, because Oprah had you taken out, we’ll all remember your bravery.

 

 

Thanks to Kimmie for helping us come up with this idea, we love ya girl!!!

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5 Reasons why Twilight is bad for you

twilight

I know, Twilight, bad for you? It’s the worst kind of blasphemy! I can admit to being a shrieking fan girl over Rob, I can admit to owning and reading all 4 books( plus the Midnight Sun internet leak), and I can admit that I am completely enthrallled with the series. Now for the other stuff, Twilight is sooo bad for people, it causes O.C.D. ( obsessive cullen disorder) and is wreaking havoc in lives> I believe Twilight should come with a warning from the surgeon general or something and here are 5 reasons why.

 

1) Edward Cullen makes you resent your man: It’s true, Edward is (gasp!), fictional. He doesn’t exist, it’s a terrible fact. Reading twilight and the following books makes women realize how perfect he is and how incredibly flawed their men are. You may find yourself asking questions like ” Why don’t you sparkle?” or ” I wish for once you would just try to be sexy and brooding!” or “If I was so delicious that you wanted to kill/ eat me, would you resist just for love?”. The answer is, uh no. Real men are nowhere near as amazing as Edward( or Rob) and therefore are disappointing as a whole. It’ll make you consider leaving your honey in search of your fictional vampire equivalent. Don’t ruin your relationships girls!!! Edward is fictional, besides any man in real life that sparkles like that would be gay anyway.

2) Twilight causes financial hardship:  So your just walking along in your local Barnes and Noble, checkin out the new releases, when you stumble on a copy of Twilight. You think ” isn’t this a movie now?”, ” Maybe I’ll pick it up and try it.”. So you do, and you find yourself immediately twi-cracked ( being totally cracked out by twilight). You know you shouldn’t buy any more books what with your light bill being due and all, your job at the krispy kreme doesn’t pay much, you decide better of it and tell yourself the lights MUST stay on and you will just have to wait. Maybe you’ll kill some time and go walk around the mall. In the mall you cross paths with a lil store called Hot Topic, you go in. Oh, shit.  You’re in a Twilight blackhole surrounded by every possible form of twi-crack and you spend more than half of your light bill money on a lil Edward action figure and some t-shirts. Well you’ve done it now, might as well get the books. So you travel to the book store and then stop off at Blockbuster to get a copy of the dvd. While you sit in the dark, reading New Moon by candlelight, you have no remorse, you get paid again in a week, the director’s notebook is out now, you guess the water bill will just have to wait.

3) Twilight fans are social outcasts: The average Twilight fan is a teenage girl. There are also a number of adult fans who are completely enthralled and a lil obsessed with these books. Unfortunately there is also a stigma attached to being one of those fans. You may be perceived as silly, immature, childish, or maybe even out and out stupid. People tend to frown upon Twilight and the literary merit of the series. It’s been said that Twilight is the Equivalent of “Dude Where’s my Car” in book form. So, now you find that you’re completely obsessed with the books, you read and re-read, you visit websites like The Twilight Saga and Letters to Twilight where you can get your fix. You know you can’t tell your friends, they won’t understand, and when you are at the water cooler at work and someone sees your Team Edward button (you forgot you were wearing it), they all start to make fun. Twilight will make you an outcast, but who cares, Forks has a Krispy Kreme and you are looking to transfer. My guess? They’ll get it, you’ll show them, all of them!!!

 

4) Twilight will get you fired from your job: Now that you’ve put yourself into a financial downward spiral purchasing all your twilight paraphanalia, you can’t access the internet because your lights have been turned off. Now that you are the manager at the local doughnut hole( pun intended), you have a nice lil computer in your office/cleaning supply closet. So you start visiting your fave sites and before you know it, your on a conference call with your boss who has been tracking your internet use. You are sooo busted!  It’s a big no no using the company pc for personal use, or chatting with your friends while you break down the new moon poster ” vanity fair style”.

5) Twilight makes you neglect your family: Say you are lucky enough to have avoided financial ruin, the loss of your relationship, and the loss of your job. CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!  I am truly proud of you. I bet you’re a stay at home mom whose hubby doesn’t mind that you think Edward is so perfect and has even put on a lil body glitter to spice up your love life. You are  lucky, very lucky. But……. what about the children? I’m sure I can’t be the only Twi-mom. In fact, I know I’m not. Now you have these books, these books that are so much better than anything else, you’re reading constantly and when you’re not reading you’re on the net looking up stuff about the books or staring at Rob’s messy delicious hair. When little Billy needs help with his homework you tell him, Edward Cullen doesn’t need help, neither do you! When your kids tell you they want a car for their sweet 16 you say, Bella would never ask for anything from anyone, you could learn a thing or two from her! You see where this is going? You come to think of the characters as real people and now your family is suffering for your obsession. It’s a slippery slope people!

 

The next 5 Reasons will be coming soon, leave me comments and as always, thanks for reading! 

 

The next 5 reasons is…………………….

I’m conflicted again, what will it be? I’ve narrowed it down to 3 choices so you comment and tell me what you want to see next!

5 reasons twilight is bad for you

5 reasons pot should be legal

5 best blogs on the net 

Vote Vote Vote!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Message me or comment and I will get it up as soon as possible (that’s what she said).

5 hottest women alive!!!!!!!!!!!

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As I’m sure you all know I recently did a 5 hottest men alive installment of 5 Reasons. I decided in the spirit of fairness that I would also put up a list of the 5 hottest women. I came to realize I had no idea who I would put on that list cuz while I know who I think is pretty, I’m not a dude, and after all, who is gonna need to agree with this more, me or a dude? After some intense male discussion(why was it so serious guys?), this is what we came up with, even after a while we had to decide what was sexy and appealing then go for women who were those things. It was way hard, boys are soooooo picky! Any-whoo, here it is in all it’s glory. Also, just so ya know, they are in no specific order.

 

1) Megan Fox:megan-2

Oh my damn. This girl is smokin hot according to all my male counterparts and even I have to admit that she’s pretty damn attractive. What apparently adds to this sexy factor is taht she’s unopposed to some girl on girl action and we all know how you boys love that!! I think the combo of dark hair, blue eyes and tattoos all over are a big HELLZ YEAH no matter what sex you are.

 

2)Hayley Williams:hayley Hayley is the lead singer of Paramore, a rock band from Franklin Tn. She has this amazing voice you would never expect to come from such a little person, she’s a mere 5’1. The musician factor is sexy no matter whether you ask men or women, something about a musically inclined person is way hotter than anything else. She is also apparently uber funny and who can’t appreciate the girl’s unique sense of style, not everybody can pull off screaming red hair.

 

 

 

3) Jessica Alba: jessica-alba-2-gm_l5I know, it was almost a given. But what can I say? The men folk have spoken, and they say she’s hot. In fact, every man that I asked about this list and who should be on it said that she absolutely had to be. These are the words of a good friend of mine(who shall remain shameless): It’s the face, and those lips, in that one movie where she was a diver or something her ass was like POW!” I’m not sure I get the POW factor but hey, they say list her and I do. She’s hot, she’s a mommy(love that a mom was listed), and she makes her ass say POW! What more is there to say?

 

 

4) Jenny Mcarthy:jm15 I fought for this one! While we all agreed that she is defs a hottie, some thought she wasn’t top 5 material. But I write this blog so I get to do what I want! Jenny is hot in all the ways that I think matter, first of all being hilarious. I love a good fart joke like the rest of the world and she has no issue making one, or cuttin one, whatev. I think it’s refreshing to see this beautiful blonde chic laugh at farts and be okay with just being herself. The only other hollywood people that do that type-o-shiz are men like the wretched, not funny Jack Black. If that isn’t enough just take a peep at her, she’s blonde, she’s got great boobs, she’s hot, she’s an activist for autism, what more could you possible want from a girl?

 

 

5) Eliza Dushku:eliza-dushku-gm_l3 Okay, somebody I get. Helloooo Eliza! I love this chic, maybe a little warm and fuzzy, slightly inappropriate feeling. Here is a well known fact among my friends and fam, I’m a nerd. Yes I know, hard to believe but true. I remeber seeing her in some early 90’s or late 80’s flick where she ws some silly teenager obsessed with some guy who worked at a burger joint and I thought ” I like her”. Then there was Buffy. Oh Buffy how I love thee. She pops up as Faith, another slayer, a naughty one. I LOVED IT. It seemed, maybe just to me, that being the bad ass, slightly slutty slayer came only too easy to her. Maybe it wasn’t a stretch, I hope not. I love a girl who can kick ass and be a little dirty.

 

 

That’s it, the 5 hottest list. I hope you found someone to stick in your spank bank and enjoyed the list!

Who should make the list??? 5 hottest women alive?

5-6I’m compiling my list for the female version of the 5 hottest and I find that while I have a few definites( from my men folks), I still have a few spots left open. I’m conflicted about who should be listed so I’m asking for help!!!! I need you guys to tell me who should be on this list and why. Maybe Megan Foxx? Beyonce? Hayley Williams or Jessica Alba? You tell me!!! Then keep checking back to see who made the final cut!! Thanks in advance for any suggestions and I can’t wait to hear from you all!

 

                    Aquired Taste

5 Reasons these are the hottest men alive

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Ladies and germs it’s time for another fun filled 5 reasons!!! Yay! Due to the overwhelming response (okay, none), I’ve decided to give you yet another installment. I think this is a goodie too.

 

1) Robert EFFING Pattinson:gq_009  Has anyone seen him? That in itself should be enough reason but we’re gonna go ahead and give you a few more reasons that he is sooooo effing hot. First of all, 2 words, Edward Cullen. He took the role of the best written example of perfection in a man you can come across and made it feel real. Then there is the musician factor which will immediately up any man’s sexy factor in my book. The whole shy, funny, greasy haired dirty boy thing is just so endearing I could choke on it. I could keep going but if all that hasn’t convinced you then all I can say is, LOOK AT HIM!!!

 

2) Russell Brand( THE BRIT INVASION CONTINUES):russell brand This man is hilarious! I am insanely attracted to a man with a good sense of humor, and he is a scream. Russell has been in a few movies as of late, most notably Forgetting Sarah Marshall. If you haven’t seen it, slap yourself in the face, then go watch it. What makes him even more lovable is that he is a recovering addict as well and has also written a best seller book. I love someone who has experienced things, even people with baggage can turn a new leaf and he has while still maintaining his career. Plus that hair, the clothes, the accent, humpalicious!

 

 

 

3) Dane Cook: dane cook First things first, look at that picture! Jesus Christ shepherd of Judea ! I mean the new look is soooo working babe. The suit, the GQ hair, yes please. Dane is hilarious, riotously so. He is obviously hugely successful in his stand-up career but he also does things like go to Iraq to give the troops some much needed comic relief. A funny, hot, man with a heart? I’m thinking if you tried you couldn’t come up with better, unless of course he suddenly became a musician as well.

 

4) Billy Joe Armstrong:  I defy you to listen to Green Day and not be a lil bit turned on by that voice. ya just can’t do it. Billy is this crazy talented guy who writes these songs that are so infectious and touching. Okay okay okay, let’s talk fave Green Day songs:She for sure. Listen to it people! Those lyrics are insane, I mean really. Okay here’s a lil peek: She, she screams in silence, a sullen riot penetrating through her mind.  See? Insane right? Not to mention he’s a devoted father and he’s got this whole dirty rock singer thing about him. I have to admit the guyliner is totally working for me. Take a look at the history green day has and then check out some of their charitable acts and he becomes even more appealing without even trying. After all, effortless sex appeal is the best kind.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          

Green_Daytony bourdain

 

 

 

5) Tony Bourdain (above): Let’s get to some older man eye candy people. Anthony, Anthony, Anthony, you sexy bitch. Tony is the host of his own show on the travel channel called Anthony Bourdain, No Reservations. He’s also a renowned chef which I have to tell you is pretty effing appealing. Who doesn’t love a man that can cook? He has these rugged good looks, earring and all. The best part about this guy though is how really cool he is. In a recent show he said “my favorite color: black, Favorite band: the ramones, favorite drink: mojito,cause that’s what i’m drinking right now.” Really? Did he just say his favorite band is the Ramones? Yes bitches he really did. The friggin Ramones are one of the greatest bands of all time! The fact that he even knows who they are and doesn’t refer to them as noise is hot. He smokes, he drinks, he loves punk. What else can I say?

 

Okay so there it is. The list of the 5 hottest men alive and why they are what they are. Hope you dug it. leave me some comments and tell me who you think is the hottest man/woman alive!

5 Reasons

This is a new lil segment in my lovely blog. I’m calling it 5 Reasons. In this segment I will give you a subject and 5 reasons why it rocks, or sucks. Why you shouls be into it, or shun it for life. 5 Reasons may be ridiculous at times but I think in general it should be entertaining, with that said, let’s go with this shiz.

 

 55 REASONS WHY GAY MARRIAGE SHOULD BE LEGAL

1) Gay men are way better than having female friends. They can tell you your outfit is bad, help you find a better one, know all the gossip on celebs and the people in your life, they get away with far more cattiness than women do, and if you are lucky enough to run upon a fab gay couple then you get 2 of those. you know what they say, 2 is better than one.

 

2) It would piss off alot of people. Now I know that may seem petty but the people who don’t agree with gay marriage are usually so uptight and conservative that it’s hilarious to see tham the least bit ruffled. And you have to admit, Miss California definitely has some much deserved aggravation due to her. I mean be serious, gay marriage is wrong but taking your clothes off  for god only knows who and getting breast implants isn’t? I guess she’s not that up to date on her scripture lists of things that are a sin.

 

3) Lesbians are so handy. Have you ever had to hang up a coat rack in your hallway or change a tire with no man in sight? Just call your les friends and they’ll rush right over to help you in all your home repair needs. And if your lucky les friend isn’t the butchy type then you can take them to the clubs or bars with you, they’ll help you draw the attention of boys without ever having any competiton. My fave thing about lesbians is that unlike straight women, they will not try to sleep with your man or take your husband. And when you have a married les couple like ellen or rosie then the power of les love is almost contagious. Besides, what if you need 2 coatracks put up?

 

4) Some of the most important people in history were GAY!!!!!  If being gay means you lose all rights as a human being then we can’t acknowledge some of the greatest minds and works in history. Many many gay people have been incredibly significant in art,politics, and medical fields throughout history. Let’s look at Salvador Dali, so completely gay and incredibly talented, his art has been some of the most sought after in the world for years and was wayyyyy before his time. Pedro Zamora, most known for his role on The Real World, was one of the first openly gay HIV patients on television. His hard work and dedication to awareness and protection reached thousands of people before his tragic death. That is just a few, the fact is everyone in this country and around the world deserve to be happy, to be loved, and to be treated equally. Besides, gay men have some strange talent to be unnaturally witty when it comes to insults, you don’t wanna be on the receiving end of an angry gay man. You might wind up being told your outfit, hair and general demeanor are so far from anything acceptable that you should lock yourself in a closet until you’ve mended your ways. OUCH.

 

5)  It’s the right thing to do.  I know, I know, the bible says otherwise. Well let me just say a few things about the bible. Jesus didn’t write it, before you send the army-o-christians after me just read on. The bible was written by men after he died. Not his words,theirs. Don’t you think that it may be possible that someone along the way put what they wanted in it instead of the true words of god? The bible also says not to have pre-marital sex, in fact it says that sex for any reason other that pro-creation is a sin. I don’t know about you but I have had my fair share of nonbaby making sex and I’m thinking I’m good. At the end of the day what we have is a case of prejudice that is being not only tolerated but in some instances strongly endorsed. I’m pretty sure that jesus is all the way against that.

YAY

4a6f09b0fe1a8fbd954df723b6508619I have 98 hits!! I have to wonder if those hits are due to some beautiful pics of his royal hotness but who am I to be picky? So I’m almost at 100!!! Not that it’s huge or anything but I’m happy about it. Recently I have been doing a whole lot of nothin, uh, yeah nothin. Life is slowly crawling by but in a good kinda way. So this brings me to my lil entry for today, have you ever been having a really bad day and then heard from one of your friends or family and then suddenly felt soooo much better about your own life?

                  I know it’s terrible. I can’t help hearing how my girlfriend’s hubby is a loser, or how my sister in law wants to literally kill her boyfriend and thank my lucky stars that my life doesn’t suck as much as theirs. It gives me some comfort, kinda like a things could be worse type of deal, and it makes me feel a little proud that I have managed to keep my life from reaching the very sad places some of their’s have gotten to. I knoe I can’t possibly be the only one who feels that way, my BFF since the 4th grade(who also wants RPattz to show up at her door looking for directions and then have some weird porn play out in head about what would happen next) and I have another mutual longtime friend who we will call Mrs.O ( o for oblivious). She doesn’t talk to Mrs. O as often as I do so she usually checks up on her through me. When we talk about this friend and how she’s doing we both generaaly end the convo saying how glad we are that her life isn’t ours.

             I have to wonder if that is hateful or disgusting somehow, making yourself feel better by seeing someone else’s hardships. I started asking around and found out that it’s not just me and BFF that do this, it’s alot more people as well. Many people feel better when they hear that Joe is cheating on Sally and she doesn’t want to admit it’s happening, thank god you’re not married to such a jerk. Or how about when Bob is having financial trouble, he should’ve been smarter, maybe not bought that 42 inch plasma ( the one you really wanted) and he would have some money. Why do you think that is?

       I know for me, my relationship has been under scrutiny for a longt long time. My 2 closest friends were making bets at my reception about how long they thought it would last. Now that my husband and I are quickly approaching our 8 year anniversary I seem to take pleasure in hearing how their relationships are failing, or going to fail. In one instance, my friend uses my marriage as a hope for hers. I love it, yes love it, that her marriage is not doing so well and that her husband is really not good for her. I don’t love that she is hurting, I don’t wish her sadness or hurt, but maybe the fact that they thought I couldn’t last, or that my husband was a jerk, and that we would be divorced at the most within a year, makes me a little bitter. People who live in glass houses and everything. So when they are all sad and their marriages are ccrumbling, or their money is short, it feels good to know I’m in a better postion than they are. I hate being doubted, I hate being told I can’t or shouldn’t do something.

   I know getting a lil satisfaction out of other people’s misfortune is wrong, but then again……….. why waste a perfectly good HA HA moment, even if you can’t share it with anyone else.