Posts Tagged ‘Jon Gosselin’

Our 5 best and 5 worst of 2009

Ahhh the New Year… so much to look forward to, so much to reflect on. You may look back and think about all the amazing things that happened this year, like your trip to Memphis, where a certain co-writer got drunk and passed out in the front seat of her car, only after laying down on the ground in a parking garage that is. Maybe you’re thinking about the kick ass blog you started that is a lil slice of happy everytime you think about it. You could be reflecting on your various sexual conquests or bragging to your friends about all the times you have been in Just Busted, whatever it is alot has happened this year and we are  ready to list our best and worst of 2009, reflect on this bitch!

THE BEST

1) I’m sorry… did you just say IN a dumpster?: In the beginning of this lil blog, before our co-writer Kimmie was co-writer, we would call her for suggestions and tips on things to write about. In one of our first ever 5 editions, we were listing the 5 sexiest men alive and we came upon Rob Pattinson ( that’s what she said). I was informing my pervy lil cohort about one of my fave sites, Letters to Rob, and how they had mentioned a lil something about blowing Rob behind a dumpster, a thought that I should have been grossed out by, but instead was jsut turned on over which is a whole other blog all together. In this lil convo Kimmie says to me, and I quote, ” Fuck behind a dumpster, I’d blow him IN a dumpster”, and a legend was born. If you’ve read our blog, like ever, you know that phrase has been repeated over and over again, it’s one of the single most depraved things I have ever heard and in that moment I was struck dumb. All I could think was HELLO REASON WE’RE FRIENDS! Only my girl could say something so foul and crass and it be received with open arms…..cuz I like that kind of stuff. It was something that set the tone for this blog, full on offensive, no holds barred, in your face, fuck you kind of stuff that has made it possible to write about anything with virtually no censorship. For that, and much more I love that chic, and it was defs worthy of our best list.

2) Dear crazies, I’m not sorry so suck it!: In this blog, especially given the nature of some of the shit we write, I have recieved some awesome hate mail. People write me lil messages that tell me about how offended they are because I talked about Jesus and golden showers or trash can oral sex. Well guess what my band-o- haters? YOU HAVE MADE IT EVEN BETTER! I love the emails where I get called names and told I need help. If you knew me you would understand that is pretty much a given. I love the hatemail the most because it means people are reading and giving what we say actual thought, enopugh thought to be pissed off and write me lil notes, so thanks again! You guys rock my cock!

3) Na na na na, na na na na, hey hey hey, goodbye!: Sweet relief people! In the later part of the year Oprah Winfrey decided to announce the end of her talk show after it being on air for what feels like an eternity. This is on the best list because…..FUCK OPRAH! I hate that big headed biznatch and always have. To me, Oprah is the epitome of everything wrong with the world. She has made billions, yes, with a B, by telling people what they should like, who they should be, how they should be. The whole time constantly changing and trying to be someone she isn’t. ” If you’re fat you can’t be happy”, ” If you read anything, this book should be it”, ” Obama is the only choice”, ugh, suck it ya poser. We don’t need you and your lesbian lover Gail telling us who and what to be and how to think. Here’s a thought, worry about you, deal with you, and don’t presume to know what the rest of the world needs. You don’t know and you are dumb, good riddance I say. Go crawl back under the Steadman Gail sandwich you love so much and drown your sorrows in some delicious and nutirtious crisco ya closet food junkie. Your time is gone, THANK GOD.

4) Grrr baby. Very GRRr: Tiger Tiger Tiger, you horny lil weirdo. Before all my women readers get all in a huff because I am about to betray our sex, just think about what I’m going to say. Trust me, I’m right. Tiger Woods is on the best list because I think his drama is the best example of celebrity obsession and double standards this year. I love a good celeb scandal like anybody else, don’t get me wrong , but come on people. Does it matter that much? No, it doesn’t. Men cheat ALL the time. Is it ok, no. But isn’t that between him and his wife to deal with? When people cheat the world acts like it’s the first time or some shit and it’s ridiculous. The man had to take a leave from his job, what the fuck for? So he’s a dirty cheater, how does that effect his golf game? It obviously doesn’t since he’s been one for years and played just fine. Get over it you fame obsessed psychos. The man needs to be left alone now, and , for that matter, they all do. Stop following celebs so much, they are rich and good looking, but in the end, they are just people, fucked up. flawed people. Just like the rest of us.

5)Save money on therapy, read my blog:This year the economy was big news. Lots of people were penny pinching and trying to save money where ever they could. Well of course we here at 5 decided it was our civic duty to help in whatever way we could so out came the advice 5’s. There were many lil winners, bad places to meet people, reasons you may need to change, annoying things you do so stop it. All efforts to help the loyal readers of our page and save em a buck. After all, who needs therapy when you can just read a blog and get the advice you need for the low price of self respect, or personal dignity free!We are all about helping others here at 5 so just keep reading and look out in 2010 for more helpful thought provoking editions, with your best interests in mind of course.

THE WORST

1) Holy hair plugs batman!:Let’s play a game, I’ll describe someone and you see if you can guess who it is. Okay, he’s got hairplugs, an Ed Hardy shirt on, and got more poon than Tiger Woods this year. That’s right! Jon Gosselin! God I hate this freak. He started off the year being the saddest lil scrap of a man, having Kate snatch a lil snippet of his soul on national tv a couple of times a week. Then out of nowhere, he grows a pair and leaves! At first I was on board, GO JON! Leave that mean backwards mullet nutcracker post haste and focus on the kids. Then he was banging every dirty scuzzy home wrecking 12 year old he could find and he became less endearing. Next thing you know he’s at the bars and clubs, blowin off daddy time in favor of goin on hoe patrol. Lame Jon, really lame. I hate this douche, even more I hate the fact that I even know who he is, so he cheated, whatevs. So he’s a selffish dick, ok, I can deal. But a layabout do nothing father…crossin the line pal. He’s famous for nothing more than the kids he is now royally screwing up and I’d like to take this time to announce my Jon Gosselin rehabilitation plea for 2010. I am pleading with you, loyal readers, to take an interest inhelping this man get more focused on family. If you see JOn Gosselin out without his kids, take a moment to approach him, and when you have his attention KICK HIM IN THE NUTS. Then while he lies on the ground holding his junk, asking you why, get real close to his ear and say, “You know why” then runaway. Trust me, with your help, we can reform this man into a good father and get rid of his slut hopping, fame whoring ways. Make a pledge now, junk punch Jon Gosselin in 2010.

2) This is it:  I know that many people thought of Micheal Jackson as a creepy pedo with a non-nose and blankets for kids. I’ll admit that I have said my fair share of unsavory MJ jokes about boys pants and Kmart, guilty. Once I got older and had kids of my own the overall hilarity of those jokes was..well, let’s just say less, so I stopped. Then one year, shortly after my son’s first birthday, we sat at home watching MTV while I cleaned the house. As it was quickly approaching Halloween, thriller was playing on an almost constant loop on the various music stations. My son had just started walking at the point where he didn’t collapse every three steps so he was out and walking around when the video came on, I came in from the kitchen to turn up the tv ( don’t judge! Thriller is a classic!) and there stood my baby, in his onesie, dancing. You know how infants dance, they bounce up and down on chubby little legs and smile as if they have just discovered music because, to them, they have. He danced and grinned through the whole video, laughing and clapping every now and then, and I stood there watching him and thinking how great this story would be when he was older, his first dance being to thriller. So when I heard that Micheal had died that was the first thing I thought of, then I remembered all the times in life I had memories that could play like a video over certain MJ songs, stuff I thought about every time I heard “remember the time” or “scream”. There have been many celeb deaths in my life and I’m sure many more will come, when I was a young teenager Curt Cobain died, I loved and still do love Nirvana and can remember being so sad about it, so personally hurt, but I didn’t cry. When MJ died, I cried. I still do sometimes when I hear a song of his or see footage about him or his poor kids. I felt the loss like it was my own, I grieved. I don’t know when the world will recover from it. Yes he was weird, yes he had a freaky nose and made his kids wear masks. If you had been torn apart by the media the way he was you may want to protect the identity of your kids too. MJ was strange and scary sometimes, misguided and eccentric. He was also the man who changed the world with music, many artists today cite him as their inspiration. I think it was a loss of genius, a loss of connection with the past, and for me, a loss of the man who made my baby dance.

3) You want to twitter my whuh?: 2009 was definitely the year of twitter. Every 5 minutes someone was making th etabloids for some dumb shit they said on twitter. I tried twitter, you may find the link on the blog right now, and one day it occured to me, THIS IS DUMB. Twitter is the most self indulgent douchey thing ever. Why do you think that people want to know you’re at the grocery store and just picked up milk?Trust me, no matter who you are,NO ONE CARES. I couldn’t care less about the little details of your life and if you’re reading this and thinking that twitter is awesome, you’re a moron. You inform people about everything that happens all day everyday and it’s a bit redonk. There should be some things that are private about life and Twitter just allows lonely assholes to spill their guts about anything in the hopes that someone will read it and give a shit. MOVE ON, try getting a friend, or a life.

4) Fishsticks: Kanye West, what more can I say? Actually…a lot more. He’s just walking around everyday like hmm, I wonder who I’ll try to offend or piss off today. After the hilarious, and almost prophetic episode of South Park Kanye said that he was going to take some time off and think about how people saw him……and then he shows up at the VMAS drunk and shits all over Taylor Swifts cherrios. If we didn’t before, we do now. That’s right, we all hate your stupid ass Kanye. You my friend are on the list because the way you behave in general is an afront to common decency and the Taylor thing just was a perfect example of why we all think you’re a stupid dick. Your attitude and unfounded self assurance was cool at first, we were all like, yeah his music is good. Then it just started getting old, no one appreciates a person who act slike that. Truth be told your music is not all that impressive, and so what if your mom died? Lots of people lose family everyday, that doesn’t give you the right to treat people like garbage, neither does talent, or lack thereof in your case.Try putting down the bottle, closing your Twitter, and figuring out what class is…class…..you know, the thing you don’t have.

5) 2009: Yupp, ending our list is 09 itself. It was full of douchey celebs, wars, and loss. In my opinion, lamespice all around. Sure there were some happy moments. it can’t rain all the time after all. I’m not gonna lie and say that I’m not damn glad it’s over though. I’m all about second chances, do overs and what not. It’s been kinda stank and I think that we all need to wipe the slate clean, apologize for screwing your around on your honey or losing your house to that nasty crack habbit and move forward. There are silver linings here people, George Bush is out of office and has been unable to fuck things up for a whole year, Robert Pattinson is bringing back the sexy homeless guy look, and minimum wage was raised so you can finally get that tooth replaced! 2010 is gonna be all about moving on from the ugliness of 09 and looking back to say HA! I made it out alive so eff you 09! You suck and that’s why you are gone now! Suck it 09, bring it on 2010, I’m ready and waiting so give it your best shot.

LOve you all and hope you had a sfae and amazing New Year, can’t wait to see what happens this year!

5 Reasons I hate Jon Gosselin

5

Like much of the country, I hate Jon Gosselin. Not just the kind of hate that really means a general dislike either, real hate. Maybe it’s because he’s a cheater or a thief, or a shitty father. Who knows with all the many things he does that inspire hate in even the most forgiving of people? Here are our five reasons, although, if it wouldn’t totally break this whole 5 thing we have going on, we would list ALOT more.

 

1) Jon Gosselin renders sane women blind, deaf, and dumb: Why is it that when it comes to Jon G women act as if they are completely devoid of sense and senses? First Kate, who, might I say, I think is a crazy ass control freak but a genius in the terms of securing financial security for the family, lost her damn mind and married this pudgy pushover. Then she had a whole shit load of kids with him when she had to know he was a douche bag. I mean let’s face it, who doesn’t know, on some level, that their man is a d-bag?  Then he convinced the nanny to hook up with his ass when she already knew what was going on in his house and his life. Then again with a journalist, a GOSSIP journalist! Why are they all acting like they can’t see his bloated stomach or acne? Like they don’t know what he’s been up to or that he pulls more poon than R-Patz at a Twilight convention. I mean come on ladies, and I use the term loosely, don’t think that his hoe hopping is going to stop because of you! He has 8 kids, a crazy ex, and millions of dollars, he ain’t looking to hitch himself to anything but Ed Hardy and a big ole box of clap cream.

 

2) You got my money bitch?: Recent reports have surfaced suggesting that Jon emptied the joint bank account held between himself and his soon to be ex Kate. Seriously? You really thought that at this point it was a rational thing to do to take ALL of the money and leave the person raising your 8 kids with a grand? Wow, here’s a tip Jon, Google yourself. See what the world thinks of you. You’re not fooling anyone, we all hate you and I’m pretty sure that at some point in the very near future your kids will too. Lemme try and help you on your road to redemption. Here are some tips, 1) stop banging sluts, it’s bad for your image and your balls. 2) Spend less time wearing Ed Hardy and smoking cigs and more time buying Proactive for your yuckface and seeing your kids. 3) GET A JOB! You have 8 kids and divorce is coming hon, child support on all of those midgets is gonna be costly, maybe you should try condom endorsements, it’s obvious you didn’t use them in the past but we’re all hoping you are now!

 

 

3) What was your name again?: On his eldest children’s birthday he misspelled one of their names on the cake. Let’s just put it out there, no funny banter needed. It’s that kind of blatant douche baggery that makes me hate you Jon! Let’s be real here, you know that those kids are the only reason anyone even knows who you are or ever gave a shit in the first place. So now you can’t remember how to spell their name? Really? I bet when your check comes you always remember whose name is supposed to go on it! Try some decency, it might help people hate you less. If I were you I would just go to some 3rd world country, send in my child support checks and hope to geez nobody figures out where I am. And hey, there are always hot tribal bitches looking for a man with a few goats to knock them up and leave them holding the baby bag. Stick to what you know!

 

4) Just because: Some things are easy. Hating foreign dictators, hoping for world peace, and hating you. You embody all the things that women hate. You are a cheater, a liar, a shitty lazy father, UGLY, a tacky dresser, and a thief. If you wanted people to like you you sure are going about it the wrong way. You have to think honey, why would anyone like you?  What are you doing that people might find endearing? Banging sluts? Taking money from your own kids? Shamelessly whoring yourself out to the media? Yeah, no one likes any of that. Hire an image consultant for christ’s sake! When you go out in public just shut the fuck up already! Every time you talk you give us something else to hate you for. Maybe consider dumping the jobless pot smoking 20 something stupid shit Hailey that you seem to be so fond of. All I can say is you just being you is enough reason to give you a good swift kick in your nuts followed by a punch in the face.

 

 

5) Yeah….um….we can see you: You seem to be popping up on tv and saying things like ” People don’t know the whole story” and ” I’m just misunderstood”. Um….. no. You’re not. WE CAN SEE YOU ASSHOLE. All those pictures of you running around with random bitches and smoking and partying on yacts and shit, um, yeah, that’s you. It’s hard to misinterpret a picture of you sans meal tickets on a boat with that one slut drinking champagne while your WIFE is home with 8 effing kids. You’re not fooling us! We see you out there and we see the whole picture. You are a DOUCHE BAG, YOU ARE A MAN WHORE, YOU ARE A SHITTY LAY ABOUT FATHER. These are the facts honey, the sooner you accept it and try to change the sooner women across the country will not vomit and consider sterilization at the mention of your name.