If you’re anything like me or my friends, you have, at least once, typed up an angry e-mail to someone and not sent it. I’m sure at some point someone has pissed you off, you may have found yourself staring at this e-mail, feeling totally right for saying all the things you said, they deserve it!!! Well here are 5 reasons why the next time you type one of those little diddies you hit send instead of delete.
1) Your boss really is a dick: I’m sure we have all had moments when we wondered how our boss came to be the boss. I can picture it now, you sitting behind your desk wondering how this incompetent ass came to be in charge of anything but a Krispy Kreme let alone the important kind of job you have. Not to mention that he /she only makes your job more difficult by being completely useless. One morning he drops a stack of papers on your desk and tells you he’s off for the day so take care of these and walks away. As you sit, fuming, you pull up your office email account and begin composing the most heated, hate filled email of your life, it begins with: Dear Mr. Stupid Dick Boss. Uh oh, it just got real. You type and type until you have nothing left to say and have even hit on the fact that everyone knows he wears a toupe and he should just let it go. Now you sit staring at the screen and start the task of highlighting every anger filled word for deletion. STOP!!! Hit the send and be done, that guy is the king of douche bags, send it, take a stand for us all!!! And, you never know, maybe when you get fired and then lose your apartment, I might let you crash on my couch………… maybe.
2) Your honey deserves to know that you know: I’m sure I’m not the only person who has done a lil pc snooping, you have to these days. So what if while you’re doing a little harmless snooping you run across a file marked trash. You are way to savvy to believe it’s really trash so you open it and what do ya know? PORN!!!! You are furious, so mad you can’t see straight, why is he hiding porn on his computer? Can’t he just put it under the bed like a normal person? So, full of self righteous indignation, you proceed to delete everything in that file and then fill it with a lil message from you so he’s knows he’s busted. You think it won’t be too long before he finds it, but then after you have satifactorily admonished him for his pervy ways,even throwing in the occasional,”What would your mother think?” you realize that you can’t post this, then he’ll know you were snooping and be very angry!! You’re sure he hasn’t forgotten last time, when you went through his phone and called his Aunt Lucille(thinking it’s his ex) and called her a slut then hung up. You decide it’s better to delete the whole folder and pretend to have no knowledge of it at all. Well think again, you send that message, then you call his Aunt Lucille and tell her about it. You can’t ignore that sick shiz can you? They deserve to know that you are totally aware of their brazilian fart fetish porn and you’re not happy. Snooping be damned!
3) Your Mom is tooo nosy: Your mother, god love her, is way too in your life. After her recent set up attempts with Barry the Mortician, or the even worse debacle before when she set you up with a taxidermist, you decide you have had enough. The e-mail will be direct and to the point, you’ll tell her to but out, it’ll start with something like: Dear Mom(person who ruined me for all men). It’s a lengthy lil message, you really let loose here and you’re sure if she ever read this she would know not to push you anymore, so what if your”ovaries might as well not even be there”, not everybody wants kids right? It’s your life, you’ll procreate when you want dammit! After you proof read your email you realize you can never send it, I mean she is your mom right? WHO CARES? You send that message right now!! You tell her to keep her opinions to herself and don’t even worry that you called her a shrew. Maybe you can make it better down the line, the point is you said what had to be said. Maybe for Mother’s Day you’ll take her somewhere nice.
4) Your best friend is retarded: Sweet Jesus, your BFF is as dumb as a box of hair, and god help you , you love her. She’s always screwing up and calling you to put her back together after she falls apart, again. So after her latest catastrophe( you told her this was gonna happen), where you had to go to her house at 3am to talk her down, you’ve had enough of her tardo antics. It’s time to let her know you don’t appreciate her crazy shiz spillin over into your life and damnit, you mean it this time. This email will set her straight, you love her but this is just ridiculous. Of course you feel bad that her boyfriend pawned her new Twilight themed mini-van off for crack, but hey, didn’t you warn her last time when he found her birth control pills, mistook them for Xanax, crushed em up and snorted em? Well hellz yeah you did. You spend the next hour typing and when it’s done you realize you just don’t have the heart to hurt her. My thoughts? HURT THE HEFFER! She is way too stupid for her own good, if you don’t tell her the truth noone will. She has to hear it, might as well be you. After all, if you can’t crush your BFF”s spirit and recover from it, you were never really friends at all.
5) Oprah is the devil: Man days off are GREAT!! Thank god for tivo, you have the whole weeks worth of Oprah to catch up on, and you can’t wait. You sit yourself down with a bowl-o-calories and turn on the talk showy goodness. You’re about 3 episodes in now when it all takes an ugly turn, oh god. It’s the favorite things episode, you know, the one where she tells the world all her new fave stuff and gives it away to the audience? You watch in horror, you want all that stuff!! In fact, you sent Oprah an email last year, after the last one of these things, telling her how you and your cousin who is terminally ill( not really, she’s fine, but agreed to be ill for the puposes of free stuff), really want to come, please help you fullfill the dying wish of your dear cousin! That Bitch!! How could she not have sent you tickets? It’s time to email again, this time it’s personal. You tell her she has gained WAY more than 20 pounds, you tell her she looks like a black Kirstie Alley. Then you tell her your cousin died from disappointment while watching this show. That’ll teach her. But wait, what if she calls you after this? What if Oprah feels really bad when she learns she killed your cousin and offers to come to the funeral? This could all go so wrong, so you delete that message. NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! You send Oprah that messgae, she’s the devil dammit! Look what she did to Dr. Phil? He used to be respected! Now he’s a running joke with a bad accent. She must be stopped, or at the least taken down a peg. You send that angry message,and when you’re long gone, because Oprah had you taken out, we’ll all remember your bravery.
Thanks to Kimmie for helping us come up with this idea, we love ya girl!!!
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