Posts Tagged ‘jacob black’

5 things we loved and hated about New Moon

Much like the rest of the world we saw New Moon…  when it came out. Before you say it, yes, we did buy our tickets in advance, and yes we are really that nerdy. So, while we wait for the much anticipated sequel and the upcoming DVD release this weekend, we thought it best to blog about what we loved and hated about the movie. Of course this is purely informational. not like we expect our demands suggestions to be taken in to consideration or anything………

1) Why are all the laws set up to keep me from bangin Jacob Black?: We loved the book. In fact, New Moon was our definite favorite of the Twilight Saga. In it Bella finally starts coming into her own, she finally grows a personailty. Before New Moon, Bella kind of came off as a whiny insecure twit but here she is, all grown up, hangin with the big dogs( pun intended). More than that we get to know Jacob. When Tay Tay, that’s the nick name we gave him, he loves it, trust me, enters in this movie it is so perfectly …well…perfect. There he is, in all his hotness. Let;s just take a moment to sigh in unison over the boys’ abs shall we? Not only is he the perfect guy best frien that loves you and protects you no matter how screwed up you are( holla Luke!), he is brutally hot and wants to show you all his muscles, all of em. I;ll admit, I drooled, I grunted in appreciation of that first shirtless scene along with all the other women and gay men in the theater. Here’s the bad though….he is underage, in the book and in reality. WHY GOD WHY? Tay Tay is a mere 17 and I’m, well….. not. Why would the leaders of this country stop me from goin majorly cougar on his fine ass? I say it’s time to rewrite the laws. We’ll call it the Jacob Black act. It’s sole purpose will be to allow older women to get it and hit it in instances where the underage guy is sooo hot it makes your eyeballs burn just lookin at him. He is hot…like surface of the sun hot. All I need is the go ahead from local law enforcement and I’ll make that boy into a man…a dirty dirty man. Yeah, all that’s holding us back from being together is the law…yeah…that’s all

2) Bella, Bella, Bella, where do I begin?: New Moon is amazing, the story, the movie. It was fanfukkintastic( thanks to the absence of one Cathy Hardwicke, cougar extraordinaire). While I love that Bella finds a sense of self in this installment I also have to wonder what the eff she was doing surrounded by hot half naked man-wolves and not hittin that in a mixture of fantasy and illegal lovin come to life. Seriously? You have this ripped, sexy, sensitive, comp[letely in love with you guy hangin around you, complimenting you, and knowing you better than anyone on the planet because he listens, not because you had to tell him, and you spend your time doing death defying stunts cuz you miss the pale faces? LAME BITCH, LAME.  Glad you got your self a personality, really glad that the makeup department in this flick was able to disguise your funknast moolay( that’s french for mullet), but really? You shoulda hit it. Yeah yeah, you love Edward, we all do. But Jacob? In some ways Jacob is more perfect than Edward ever could be and while you sit alone, screaming yourself to sleep at night, you could be bangin the hottest wolfman…ever. I know the pains of a broken heart but you know what they say..the best way to get over a guy is to get under a new one.

3) Don’t buy the hype: I get it, Edward is hot and perfect and beautiful, but, at the risk of sounding like I’m team Jacob ( I’m only team jacob if I can hit it) which we’re totes not, shut up already! Jacob is right on the heels of all that fiction perfection that Edward is. In this Jacob is, well he’s effin Jacob ok! He is smart and funny and protective and FUGGIN HOT and…..takin a break to swoon…talk amongst yourselves, I’ll give you a topic, a peanut is neither a pea nor a nut..discuss……. OK! We’re back, yeah , Jacob is everything the perfect guy should be, the only way he could get better is if he were a musician on top of everything else….oh right, enter Edward.

4) Um, WTF Is the deal with Dakota Fanning?: Look, I lovez me some twilight. I lovez me some Volturi too actually and I’m all about the evil Jane and her creepy twin. I love the whole concept that she can fuck shit up with her mind! It’s so very…well it’s so very carrie meets interview with the vampire so when I heard that she got the part, gap toothed, cute as a button, sean penn as a tardo’s daughter Dakota fuggin Fanning I waslike huh? I’m sorry , it’s a big no for me. I watched th emovie with an open mind, I really did, but every time I looked at her all I could see is the very cute littl girl who gave Joey advice on Friends or the Kid Tom Cruise carried around the set of war of the worlds like a life sized cabbage patch doll. It was muy disappointing folks. She is as believeable as evil as Mother Teresa would be playing Freddy. It’s like casting a muppet to play pinhead. Seriously casting people? Dakota Fanning? Was she the only actress in all of the universe available at the time? Well now you’re stuck with her……may I suggest next time using someone a little less disney and a little more, I dunno…not.

5) Bottom Line-get naked!: That’s right, I said that shit. I love the books, I LOVE ROB! I want to have his chest haired british children. Him and Taylor are all half naked throughout the movie, I want full frontal gentlemen! And not the creepy tuck version from little ashes either. Gimme some r rated grown ups only type goodness please or else I will have to photoshop your heads on to some of Levi Johnston’s Playgirl pics and trust me,noone wants that.

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5 reasons New Moon is bad for you

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By now most of you have seen my Twilight post on why I think that the addictive book is bad for you. Of course with the impending release of the New Moon movie and the growing love of all things Twilight related we had no choice but to do a New Moon edition. You see this installment is just as bad for you, if not worse than, its predecessor. Here are the 5 reasons we think New Moon could change your world in an unhappy kind of way.

 

 

1) Enter Jacob Black: Just when you thought that Twilight would ruin you for all men and that no-one could ever be as perfect as Edward, here comes Jacob. He is just as hot, if not more depending on your type. He’s smart, he’s sweet, and he’s all supernatural giving him the sexy/ scary edge we all know and love. You can’t help yourself from wanting to buy ugly wolf t-shirts and dream catchers. You may even consider joining an Indian tribe just to see if you can find your own wolfy counterpart. Edward is amazing, making you want your man to sparkle and always say the right things. Jacob makes you want your man to sprout fur and fix cars like a real man should. He’s just as bad for your love life as Edward and even worse, you want to betray your dumpster fantasies in favor of a more plausible fantasy. Something involving a dirty shack garage and motor oil comes to mind. Damn it. If you weren’t before you definitely are now. That’s right, you’re ruined for all men and you don’t even care.

 

 

2) Your friends are seriously lacking: New moon is filled with more tried and true friends than any one stupid clumsy way luckier than you girl should ever have. Jacob is all beautiful and funny and knows how to fix motorcycles which he does willingly. Not to mention that he helps cover up all your highly dangerous and illadvised extra curricular activities without ever stopping to think twice. He protects you frm all the evil doer types and he’s pretty nice to look at. Then Alice shows up all concerned and giving you great fashion advice and you realize that your friends suck. BAD. Your best guy friend calls you to change hisflat tires and he totally would rat you out for being dumb. He’s always saying things like better safe than sorry and before you thought the protective thing was cute, now all you want him to do is take you cliff diving and STFU. Your best girl friends are no where near as fashionable as Alice, in fact you can recall a horrific pair of bright yellow shorts and teal green corduroy bell bottoms that they once wore and it makes you want to vomit. Alot. New Moon will make you realize that your friends are just whiny fashion victims with no super powers and nothing even remotely interesting to contribute. Who needs friends anyway? You’ve got your lil Edward action figure and 3 copies each of the Twilight Saga. What more could you need?

 

3) You got a death wish?: After you’ve finished your now worn out copy of the second Twilight book you are left wanting more. You remind yourself of all the best parts and then it hits you: you want to hear voices, you want to die. Okay, maybe not die but attempt it in hopes of having some hot vamp voice warn you against it. You want to be saved too, you know, by the hot Indianguy in the book. You figure if you start doing things like dirt bike riding and jumping off cliffs you just might get lucky and have you r very own twilight inspired supernatural event. And hey, if all else fails, you heard that people with severe head injuries hallucinate. This is what we call a win win situation.

 

4) Travel is expensive: You and your bestie are counting down the days until the movie release of New Moon. Even though you live hundreds of miles apart the two of you have decided on the blessed day (november 20th, yeah i know that, what? don’t judge me) you are going to meet up at the half way point and watch the movie together for the first time. You start to save money any way that you can so you can squeal like crazed fan girls at the movie. You even consider selling your lil Edward action figure and all your Twilight tshirts on ebay to make some quick cash. You remember the last time you had to sacrifice for this book, reading New Moon by candlelight after spending all your light bill money on the book and lil E. Well that’s what love is, sacrifice. After much consideration you have come up with a brilliant plan for making money. You are going to spray your husband down with Halloween body glitter and whore him out as Edward Cullen, prostitute. The truth is you couldn’t care less who he sleeps with, it’s all too clear that he’s no Edward or Jacob so why bother?  All you care about is seeing this movie with your most loyal BFF and if you can get him to stop hounding you f or poon in the process bonus! And what’s better is when you get back from what you are referring to as the ” Holy Journey” you’ll have that much needed excuse to kick him out and make room for the hot twi- hard guy you met at the premiere.

 

 

5) New Moon raises your standards: It’s true, you are really looking at things differently now. You’ve come to some harsh realizations as a result of reading these books and you know that it’s time to make some changes. You need a man who can sparkle in the sun or who has wolfie speed and hunting skills. A hot friend with  benefits or a sexy mysterious classmate with golden eyes. The bad here is that those things don’t exist and no matter how many times your honey wears those plastic vampire fangs in the bedroom it’s just not good enough. Your friends have tried to tell you that what you want isn’t realistic but you don’t care. You will have your super sweetie if it’s the last thing you do.  You ignore everything they say. You don’t care that sparkly men are gay or that overly hairy men are just repulsive. The bar has been raised, there’s no turning back now.