Posts Tagged ‘cheating’

Our 5 best and 5 worst of 2009

Ahhh the New Year… so much to look forward to, so much to reflect on. You may look back and think about all the amazing things that happened this year, like your trip to Memphis, where a certain co-writer got drunk and passed out in the front seat of her car, only after laying down on the ground in a parking garage that is. Maybe you’re thinking about the kick ass blog you started that is a lil slice of happy everytime you think about it. You could be reflecting on your various sexual conquests or bragging to your friends about all the times you have been in Just Busted, whatever it is alot has happened this year and we are  ready to list our best and worst of 2009, reflect on this bitch!


1) I’m sorry… did you just say IN a dumpster?: In the beginning of this lil blog, before our co-writer Kimmie was co-writer, we would call her for suggestions and tips on things to write about. In one of our first ever 5 editions, we were listing the 5 sexiest men alive and we came upon Rob Pattinson ( that’s what she said). I was informing my pervy lil cohort about one of my fave sites, Letters to Rob, and how they had mentioned a lil something about blowing Rob behind a dumpster, a thought that I should have been grossed out by, but instead was jsut turned on over which is a whole other blog all together. In this lil convo Kimmie says to me, and I quote, ” Fuck behind a dumpster, I’d blow him IN a dumpster”, and a legend was born. If you’ve read our blog, like ever, you know that phrase has been repeated over and over again, it’s one of the single most depraved things I have ever heard and in that moment I was struck dumb. All I could think was HELLO REASON WE’RE FRIENDS! Only my girl could say something so foul and crass and it be received with open arms…..cuz I like that kind of stuff. It was something that set the tone for this blog, full on offensive, no holds barred, in your face, fuck you kind of stuff that has made it possible to write about anything with virtually no censorship. For that, and much more I love that chic, and it was defs worthy of our best list.

2) Dear crazies, I’m not sorry so suck it!: In this blog, especially given the nature of some of the shit we write, I have recieved some awesome hate mail. People write me lil messages that tell me about how offended they are because I talked about Jesus and golden showers or trash can oral sex. Well guess what my band-o- haters? YOU HAVE MADE IT EVEN BETTER! I love the emails where I get called names and told I need help. If you knew me you would understand that is pretty much a given. I love the hatemail the most because it means people are reading and giving what we say actual thought, enopugh thought to be pissed off and write me lil notes, so thanks again! You guys rock my cock!

3) Na na na na, na na na na, hey hey hey, goodbye!: Sweet relief people! In the later part of the year Oprah Winfrey decided to announce the end of her talk show after it being on air for what feels like an eternity. This is on the best list because…..FUCK OPRAH! I hate that big headed biznatch and always have. To me, Oprah is the epitome of everything wrong with the world. She has made billions, yes, with a B, by telling people what they should like, who they should be, how they should be. The whole time constantly changing and trying to be someone she isn’t. ” If you’re fat you can’t be happy”, ” If you read anything, this book should be it”, ” Obama is the only choice”, ugh, suck it ya poser. We don’t need you and your lesbian lover Gail telling us who and what to be and how to think. Here’s a thought, worry about you, deal with you, and don’t presume to know what the rest of the world needs. You don’t know and you are dumb, good riddance I say. Go crawl back under the Steadman Gail sandwich you love so much and drown your sorrows in some delicious and nutirtious crisco ya closet food junkie. Your time is gone, THANK GOD.

4) Grrr baby. Very GRRr: Tiger Tiger Tiger, you horny lil weirdo. Before all my women readers get all in a huff because I am about to betray our sex, just think about what I’m going to say. Trust me, I’m right. Tiger Woods is on the best list because I think his drama is the best example of celebrity obsession and double standards this year. I love a good celeb scandal like anybody else, don’t get me wrong , but come on people. Does it matter that much? No, it doesn’t. Men cheat ALL the time. Is it ok, no. But isn’t that between him and his wife to deal with? When people cheat the world acts like it’s the first time or some shit and it’s ridiculous. The man had to take a leave from his job, what the fuck for? So he’s a dirty cheater, how does that effect his golf game? It obviously doesn’t since he’s been one for years and played just fine. Get over it you fame obsessed psychos. The man needs to be left alone now, and , for that matter, they all do. Stop following celebs so much, they are rich and good looking, but in the end, they are just people, fucked up. flawed people. Just like the rest of us.

5)Save money on therapy, read my blog:This year the economy was big news. Lots of people were penny pinching and trying to save money where ever they could. Well of course we here at 5 decided it was our civic duty to help in whatever way we could so out came the advice 5’s. There were many lil winners, bad places to meet people, reasons you may need to change, annoying things you do so stop it. All efforts to help the loyal readers of our page and save em a buck. After all, who needs therapy when you can just read a blog and get the advice you need for the low price of self respect, or personal dignity free!We are all about helping others here at 5 so just keep reading and look out in 2010 for more helpful thought provoking editions, with your best interests in mind of course.


1) Holy hair plugs batman!:Let’s play a game, I’ll describe someone and you see if you can guess who it is. Okay, he’s got hairplugs, an Ed Hardy shirt on, and got more poon than Tiger Woods this year. That’s right! Jon Gosselin! God I hate this freak. He started off the year being the saddest lil scrap of a man, having Kate snatch a lil snippet of his soul on national tv a couple of times a week. Then out of nowhere, he grows a pair and leaves! At first I was on board, GO JON! Leave that mean backwards mullet nutcracker post haste and focus on the kids. Then he was banging every dirty scuzzy home wrecking 12 year old he could find and he became less endearing. Next thing you know he’s at the bars and clubs, blowin off daddy time in favor of goin on hoe patrol. Lame Jon, really lame. I hate this douche, even more I hate the fact that I even know who he is, so he cheated, whatevs. So he’s a selffish dick, ok, I can deal. But a layabout do nothing father…crossin the line pal. He’s famous for nothing more than the kids he is now royally screwing up and I’d like to take this time to announce my Jon Gosselin rehabilitation plea for 2010. I am pleading with you, loyal readers, to take an interest inhelping this man get more focused on family. If you see JOn Gosselin out without his kids, take a moment to approach him, and when you have his attention KICK HIM IN THE NUTS. Then while he lies on the ground holding his junk, asking you why, get real close to his ear and say, “You know why” then runaway. Trust me, with your help, we can reform this man into a good father and get rid of his slut hopping, fame whoring ways. Make a pledge now, junk punch Jon Gosselin in 2010.

2) This is it:  I know that many people thought of Micheal Jackson as a creepy pedo with a non-nose and blankets for kids. I’ll admit that I have said my fair share of unsavory MJ jokes about boys pants and Kmart, guilty. Once I got older and had kids of my own the overall hilarity of those jokes was..well, let’s just say less, so I stopped. Then one year, shortly after my son’s first birthday, we sat at home watching MTV while I cleaned the house. As it was quickly approaching Halloween, thriller was playing on an almost constant loop on the various music stations. My son had just started walking at the point where he didn’t collapse every three steps so he was out and walking around when the video came on, I came in from the kitchen to turn up the tv ( don’t judge! Thriller is a classic!) and there stood my baby, in his onesie, dancing. You know how infants dance, they bounce up and down on chubby little legs and smile as if they have just discovered music because, to them, they have. He danced and grinned through the whole video, laughing and clapping every now and then, and I stood there watching him and thinking how great this story would be when he was older, his first dance being to thriller. So when I heard that Micheal had died that was the first thing I thought of, then I remembered all the times in life I had memories that could play like a video over certain MJ songs, stuff I thought about every time I heard “remember the time” or “scream”. There have been many celeb deaths in my life and I’m sure many more will come, when I was a young teenager Curt Cobain died, I loved and still do love Nirvana and can remember being so sad about it, so personally hurt, but I didn’t cry. When MJ died, I cried. I still do sometimes when I hear a song of his or see footage about him or his poor kids. I felt the loss like it was my own, I grieved. I don’t know when the world will recover from it. Yes he was weird, yes he had a freaky nose and made his kids wear masks. If you had been torn apart by the media the way he was you may want to protect the identity of your kids too. MJ was strange and scary sometimes, misguided and eccentric. He was also the man who changed the world with music, many artists today cite him as their inspiration. I think it was a loss of genius, a loss of connection with the past, and for me, a loss of the man who made my baby dance.

3) You want to twitter my whuh?: 2009 was definitely the year of twitter. Every 5 minutes someone was making th etabloids for some dumb shit they said on twitter. I tried twitter, you may find the link on the blog right now, and one day it occured to me, THIS IS DUMB. Twitter is the most self indulgent douchey thing ever. Why do you think that people want to know you’re at the grocery store and just picked up milk?Trust me, no matter who you are,NO ONE CARES. I couldn’t care less about the little details of your life and if you’re reading this and thinking that twitter is awesome, you’re a moron. You inform people about everything that happens all day everyday and it’s a bit redonk. There should be some things that are private about life and Twitter just allows lonely assholes to spill their guts about anything in the hopes that someone will read it and give a shit. MOVE ON, try getting a friend, or a life.

4) Fishsticks: Kanye West, what more can I say? Actually…a lot more. He’s just walking around everyday like hmm, I wonder who I’ll try to offend or piss off today. After the hilarious, and almost prophetic episode of South Park Kanye said that he was going to take some time off and think about how people saw him……and then he shows up at the VMAS drunk and shits all over Taylor Swifts cherrios. If we didn’t before, we do now. That’s right, we all hate your stupid ass Kanye. You my friend are on the list because the way you behave in general is an afront to common decency and the Taylor thing just was a perfect example of why we all think you’re a stupid dick. Your attitude and unfounded self assurance was cool at first, we were all like, yeah his music is good. Then it just started getting old, no one appreciates a person who act slike that. Truth be told your music is not all that impressive, and so what if your mom died? Lots of people lose family everyday, that doesn’t give you the right to treat people like garbage, neither does talent, or lack thereof in your case.Try putting down the bottle, closing your Twitter, and figuring out what class is…class… know, the thing you don’t have.

5) 2009: Yupp, ending our list is 09 itself. It was full of douchey celebs, wars, and loss. In my opinion, lamespice all around. Sure there were some happy moments. it can’t rain all the time after all. I’m not gonna lie and say that I’m not damn glad it’s over though. I’m all about second chances, do overs and what not. It’s been kinda stank and I think that we all need to wipe the slate clean, apologize for screwing your around on your honey or losing your house to that nasty crack habbit and move forward. There are silver linings here people, George Bush is out of office and has been unable to fuck things up for a whole year, Robert Pattinson is bringing back the sexy homeless guy look, and minimum wage was raised so you can finally get that tooth replaced! 2010 is gonna be all about moving on from the ugliness of 09 and looking back to say HA! I made it out alive so eff you 09! You suck and that’s why you are gone now! Suck it 09, bring it on 2010, I’m ready and waiting so give it your best shot.

LOve you all and hope you had a sfae and amazing New Year, can’t wait to see what happens this year!

5 reasons you should have listened






Excuse the severe lameassness of the way this installment is laid out. Technical difficulties and all that. Any snooch, sometimes people are compelled to tell you things about your life, or the way they expect things to go if some drastic measures aren’t taken and if you’re like most of the population you don’t listen to it. Well we think people should listen to us darn it,we know things, you should give that advice another listen and here are 5 reasons why.


1) Who’s your daddy?: We all have those friends that love to spread joy in the world….. by banging as many people as they can.When you tell them that they’re gonna wind up like you  knockin someone up or getting knocked up, they respond that they know what they’re doing and not to worry. You tell them that babies aside they could catch some serious booty flu, blowing guys in dumpsters opens them up for all kinds of germs after all. You tell them all this from love but you get the distinct impression that not only are they not paying any attention, they are probably thinking about the next piece of unprotected, unsanitary ass they’re gonna get. Time flies by and before you know it you’re attending their kids 1st birthday party. I told you so don’t seem to fit what with the cuteness of a baby and all but in your mind you know they should have heard you out. Then you see them not so discreetly scratching their hoo-ha throughout the day and when you ask them WTF they are doing they tell you they should have listened to you, now they have a baby and the clap and it really bugs their honey every time they get to itchin all on their junk. Then they ask you for one more piece of advice, how long is too long before you tell your partner in baby makin about the itchy badness in your pants?


2) You could have skipped that altogether: Drama for days…. lame as shit. You got major stuff going on right now, the kinds of stuff that make you pick up the phone and ask your bestie what they think you should do. You’ve got man drama,big drama. The man you resentperson you’re married to is getting more and more less the man you want, more the man you want to kill. They tell you ditch that assface and you say you will but don’t, as usual. A few months down the road you startnoticing things, like your laptop has mysteriously disappeared, your kids nintendo ds is gone too. And, now that you think of it, you went to sleep with a wedding ring on and now your ring finger is covered  in Crisco but there is no ring. What the whofleck? You realize with no small amount of effort ( cause you’re dumb) that your sweetie has been hittin the rock again and your shiz is at the dealers house. Your honey comes home after what you can only assume was Tyrone Biggum’s crack party and when you ask him where your stuff is he tells you he has no idea, someone must have broken in and stolen it, and left everything else. Right. If you had jut left that cracky loser when your homie told you to you could have avoided this dramz all together. Next time you’ll be more open to what they tell you, and you’ll definitely start hiding your valuables, crack whores  are sneaky.



3) That is not a good look for you, or anyone: You and your pals love to go shopping together and spend time doing that as often as possible. Of course you have to ask their opinion on the clothes you buy, it’s your bestie’s job to insure you don’t go out of the house looking like Courtney Love. You head into a store and see it: the most faboosh pantsuit ever. It’s all tan and cream and made of suede and you know that if it fits you’ll be wearing it right out of the store. You race up to it so they don’t see it first and practically rip it off the rack and run to the dressing room. They follow you in and you try it on. It feels a little tight in places but over all you think it’s perfect. You come out for their thoughts and they give you that all too familiar look of disapproval. They say it looks like sausage wrap a bit small and maybe you shouldn’t get it. You know it’s jealousy talking, you look hot and this little ensemble is gonna be a major peen magnet so you tell them you’re getting it and, as you knew you would, wear it right out of the store. There are tons of hot guys at the mall today and the king of hot guys is walking toward you right now. You knew spending 3 weeks worth of pay on this was  a good idea, if it helps you get this hottie’s pants off it was money well spent. He says hi and tells you his name is Jason, he tells you he loves your outfit, and smiles really big at you. Oh god he’s hot, you start to breathe a little faster, it feels like you’re dreaming, he may be the hottest guy you’ve ever seen up close. Then it happens, He smiles again and says ” What’s that made out of, camel toe?” He laughs and shoves his number into your friend’s hand then turns and walks away. Your friend is so shocked she just stands there and then suggests you go and return the outfit before the store closes, as you walk to the bathroom to change you realize that you shoulda listened and maybe you’d be getting some hot mall guy play instead of her.Now you’ll forever be known as the girl in the camel toe pantsuit. Fuck my life.


4) Your starting to see what they meant about the gay thing: Your boyfriend has a friend and you really like them. She has been friends with him since before he met you and he says she’s his best friend and wants you to get to know her. Before you know it you love her too. This chic is bomb, she’s cool, she’s funny, and she’s loyal and you love that about her. She talks less and less to him and more to you and before you know it, she’s your bestie too. One day she tells you she has to reveal something to you, your man used to be gay. Before you he was all about the peen and she actually met him through his ex boyfriend. You are a lil turned on  horrified, and you don’t believe her. You quit talking to her and decide she is trying to come between your relationship. Maybe she wants him. Then in the next few days you find yourself paying more attention to him and what he does. When his boys come over for a few beers and they start to wrestle on the floor you could swear you see him grab an ass and then get a semi. A few days after that your photo album full of Rob Pattinson pictures (what? That’s normal.) comes up missing and you find it in the bathrrom with him, and he’s all sweaty and out of breath. EWWW! You start to think maybe she was right and you regret cuttin her off. Before you know it your man is asking you how you feel about 3 somes, and not with another girl. You should have heard her out, there always were little things and in retrospect you see them now. Like the time he took you to a musical for your b-day, or when he gave you a makeover at home, and it looked good, or of course that time when you caught him making out with a dude in the stairwell of your apartments. Silly,unobservant you.



5) They said she was a slut,and they were right: Your hubby is great and you have an amazing relationship. The only problem is he hates your  BFF. He tells you she’s a slut, he tells you he doesn’t like her and he doesn’t want her around. He tells  you she can’t be trusted and you have no idea why he is being this way. She is amazing, you’d trust her with your life. Yes she can be a little promiscuous but who are you to judge? It’s not your business who she sleeps with, you love her anyway and don’t judge. You don’t care if he likes her or not and you keep her around. He eventually starts to come around and you guys all hang out together. You don’t know what you would do without her, you feel lucky to have her in your life. Hmm, this is strange though, you to notice that they are hanging out alot without you. She calls and talks to him on the phone instead of you. They go out alone and don’t come back for a really long time. Then it hits you, she is a slut and that slut is crewing your man. After you have tracked them down and beaten them both with the tire  iron your mom said to always carry, for protection, you realize that he was right. You wish you had listened to him but what are you gonna do now? You head to the house to burn his clothes waiting to exhale style and on the way stop by her job to get her fired. Yes, he was right, you should have cut her off, you should have dumped her and held onto him. Ahh, well. You happen to know that she has a raging case of crotch rot and that before he knows it that min peen he’s packin will likely fall off. Next time though,you’ll listen. Honeys before whores or something like that.











5 Reasons you got dumped




I’m sure that no-one among us has been fortunate enough to escape being dumped…. at least once. It sucks and there’s no doubt about it. Before you go head first into your next relationship read 5 reasons why your honey may have decided to take the cat and leave your ass.



1) How can I miss you if you never leave? : Yes you heard them when they asked to have some space. You thought about it, the answer was that they had plenty of alone time when they were at work. After hours is all about you.  You go everywhere together, you do everything together. You love your shnuckums so much that you suffocate and smother spend every moment you can being with them. Well what do ya know? They start to act strange. At first you notice them not calling you on their breaks so much, then you notice that their stuff starts slowly disappearing. Maybe it was a bit much when you insisted on staying in the bathroom while they deuced so you could check  the shower curtain rod, insisting that you loved them and it shouldn’t matter if you saw their pooping face. When you come home from your job one day to find the next stalker victim  the love of your life and your cat Mr. Fuzzy Nuts gone you are so distraught. Next time listen when they tell you they would rather swallow a handful of hot staples than go another day with you. They were serious, and if you doubt it just show up at their mom’s house and watch as they down some office supplies.


2) You suck at listening: You are thinking about alot right now. Trying to recall something important. You know you and your girl had an argument, well mostly she did. She yelled and you looked at her intently and thought about how hot that girl in the new transformer’s movie is. You put all the mmhmm’s in at the right time and you think she didn’t even notice the fact that you weren’t even listening to her. Now that she’s gone and not returning your texts you start to think that maybe something important was in there somewhere. Hmm, you start to have flashbacks of the conversation you were supposed to be listening to, something about a dumpster. And burning….. and your cell phone.  As you start to connect the dots you remember what she said. There were pics of some blogger random girl, blowing you behind a dumpster on your phone. And she went to the doc cause it burned when she peed. She said you were over and suggested you seek medical attention cuz your man berries have a slightly green color and cartoon stink lines coming off of them in waves. You call and make an appointment for the doc and while you cruise the aisles of Walgreens looking for Charlie Sheen’s Crabs Cream, you tell yourself you will be a better listener the next time around, listening is the key.


3) You have gotten lazy, and she’s gotten pissed: Nagging is a right of all women. We are all too aware of the fact that it drives you crazy, we know it makes you uncomfortable. We like that. You are really starting to piss us off though. You haven’t cut the yard in 3 weeks and the grass is so tall our kid lost their bike in it. No matter how many times we ask you to, you still haven’t mastered the skill of putting the laundry in the basket instead of on top of it. And what’s worse is you act like all the shiz we do just magically happens. It’s like poof! dinner. Poof again…… the house is clean. Poof again again…. the bills are paid. Well you should have pulled your head out of your assyour fingers out of your ears and listened to all that bitching cuz now you have to take your laundry to your mom’s and she is starting to act a lil miffed. And no more magical dinners either, you’ve been hittin up Taco Bell every night this week and your stomach is angry about it. Maybe the taco bell and upset stomach is why mom is so upset about doing your laundry. Know what else? When the grass finally was cut, you found that something else had been hiding in the grass too, the hot neighbor guy who was all too happy to wash the dishes and cut the grass……. and bang your girl.


4) You tried to change them : Yupp, first rule of dating is if you can’t be with them as is don’t be with them at all. It’s more common than people care to admit, they find someone who is hot as hell but is a habitual fuck around, or they are super sweet but don’t work. You know the types, fixer uppers. Well when you met your hot as hell honey you just knew that with a little love they would change. After a year or two they didn’t change. You pushed harder. Still no luck.  Who do you think you are asking them to stop screwing your sister and smokin crack? That’s all their fave stuff!  Next time you’ll think before you try to become captain save a ho.



5)  It’s not me, it’s you: Yes we meant to say it like that. Sometimes relationships end because 2 people just don’t work together. or because one of you is a stinky dirty douche bag. Yeah, that’s right. You suck. You were dumped for that reason. You took all the other reasons on this list and did em all. You are a lazy, self involved, likely small peen having toxic balls. In case you hadn’t realized it, we hate you. We know you and our slutty sister have been banging and we know you gave us the herps. We know you paid the neighbor to do your chores and we know that even though we told you that you had to change you didn’t. Yeah yeah, I  know I said some things that would lead you to believe doing all that complaining might be reason to leave me, but at the end of the day only one of us can be right. It’s me, another right of being a woman. We tried to make it work but then we started picturing doing things to you, mean things. Like sending your grandma some pic of you behind  dumpster. Or showing up at your job drunk and puking on your boss. We figured before we caught a charge we should end it. Just remember hell hath no fury and all that. And that we still know where you work.

5 ways to get revenge


We’ve all been screwed by somebody in our lives and not always in the sweaty kind of way. If you are anything like me you may have found yourself sitting alone in your room trying to think of something you could do to that ass hole who told everybody you had booty flu. Here are 5 ways you can get even.


1) Get as many alarm clocks as possible, set them for different times throughout the night and hide them: Sleep deprivation is a bitch people. If someone you know has made the mistake of crossing you remember this. Get the clocks and hide them all over the house. They won’t be sleeping, if you live there you won’t be either but it’s worth it to inflict a little bit of pain on your much deserving roomie. Maybe next time they will think before they borrow your WHAM cd and return it scratched.


2)Take your sweetheart’s  favorite clubbing shirt and use an ultraviolet pen to write what’s on your mind: You just found out your club hopping honey is a big ole cheater. Well may I suggest this lil doozey? Under any black light whatever you write will show up and your loser ex will be exposed to the world. Suggestions? You didn’t think we wouldn’t tell you a few did you? I like classics like cheater or donkey fucker but don’t be afraid to get crazy with it. Whatever you say it’s sure to make an impression on them and anyone they are with. Nothing says revenge like this dude has herpes written all over their shirt.


3) Subscribe your enemy to all sorts of weird sex magazines but send them to their parent’s: This one is a classic folks. Classics are classics for a reason. Sign your wrong doer up for every sick magazine and DVD club you can find then send it all to mommy. When their conservative parents find out that their sweet Johnny or angelic Jane like to watch donkey shows they will be sure to react with all the swift indignation you can hope for. Not only will you feel gratified the laughs will never stop because you may just slip up and send it to the neighbors houses too.


4)Place a singles ad with their  phone number in newspapers and websites: List their interests as Star Trek and comic books. Maybe add only looking for fun people with no teeth, or loves pets… in a naughty way. The responses they get will be insane and never ending. While they try to figure out what add people keep referring to you can laugh in silence at your brilliance. And if you get some hot trekkie action out of the deal so be it.


5) Swap their KY Jelly with Icy-hot: You may not be able to see this one in action but trust me when I tell you it’s awesome. Wait for your moment and switch the contents of the tubes. If all goes right they will be hookin up with somebody and go rub on Icy-Hot in some very tender places. It will start to burn almost instantly. If you’re REALLY lucky they will get to their partner first and then the burning will start for them both. Nobody is finishing that night and it’s safe to say they will never hear from them again. It will have them convinced they have at the least a raging case of crotch rot from the night’s activities and maybe more. It’s sooo mean and it’s so fanfuckintastic. Maybe the next time you see them you’ll catch a glimpse of them scratching or purchasing some clap cream at Walgreens. The best way to use this of course is as a double wammy. Have a couple you hate? Scorch their junk and end that relationship for good. Consider it Karma for that time they sent your mom porn.


We haven’t done these but now you know what happens to people who step on our toes!! Kidding, kidding. We would definitely do these never do any of this stuff. Be careful and be nice!!