Archive for August, 2009

5 reasons New Moon is bad for you

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By now most of you have seen my Twilight post on why I think that the addictive book is bad for you. Of course with the impending release of the New Moon movie and the growing love of all things Twilight related we had no choice but to do a New Moon edition. You see this installment is just as bad for you, if not worse than, its predecessor. Here are the 5 reasons we think New Moon could change your world in an unhappy kind of way.

 

 

1) Enter Jacob Black: Just when you thought that Twilight would ruin you for all men and that no-one could ever be as perfect as Edward, here comes Jacob. He is just as hot, if not more depending on your type. He’s smart, he’s sweet, and he’s all supernatural giving him the sexy/ scary edge we all know and love. You can’t help yourself from wanting to buy ugly wolf t-shirts and dream catchers. You may even consider joining an Indian tribe just to see if you can find your own wolfy counterpart. Edward is amazing, making you want your man to sparkle and always say the right things. Jacob makes you want your man to sprout fur and fix cars like a real man should. He’s just as bad for your love life as Edward and even worse, you want to betray your dumpster fantasies in favor of a more plausible fantasy. Something involving a dirty shack garage and motor oil comes to mind. Damn it. If you weren’t before you definitely are now. That’s right, you’re ruined for all men and you don’t even care.

 

 

2) Your friends are seriously lacking: New moon is filled with more tried and true friends than any one stupid clumsy way luckier than you girl should ever have. Jacob is all beautiful and funny and knows how to fix motorcycles which he does willingly. Not to mention that he helps cover up all your highly dangerous and illadvised extra curricular activities without ever stopping to think twice. He protects you frm all the evil doer types and he’s pretty nice to look at. Then Alice shows up all concerned and giving you great fashion advice and you realize that your friends suck. BAD. Your best guy friend calls you to change hisflat tires and he totally would rat you out for being dumb. He’s always saying things like better safe than sorry and before you thought the protective thing was cute, now all you want him to do is take you cliff diving and STFU. Your best girl friends are no where near as fashionable as Alice, in fact you can recall a horrific pair of bright yellow shorts and teal green corduroy bell bottoms that they once wore and it makes you want to vomit. Alot. New Moon will make you realize that your friends are just whiny fashion victims with no super powers and nothing even remotely interesting to contribute. Who needs friends anyway? You’ve got your lil Edward action figure and 3 copies each of the Twilight Saga. What more could you need?

 

3) You got a death wish?: After you’ve finished your now worn out copy of the second Twilight book you are left wanting more. You remind yourself of all the best parts and then it hits you: you want to hear voices, you want to die. Okay, maybe not die but attempt it in hopes of having some hot vamp voice warn you against it. You want to be saved too, you know, by the hot Indianguy in the book. You figure if you start doing things like dirt bike riding and jumping off cliffs you just might get lucky and have you r very own twilight inspired supernatural event. And hey, if all else fails, you heard that people with severe head injuries hallucinate. This is what we call a win win situation.

 

4) Travel is expensive: You and your bestie are counting down the days until the movie release of New Moon. Even though you live hundreds of miles apart the two of you have decided on the blessed day (november 20th, yeah i know that, what? don’t judge me) you are going to meet up at the half way point and watch the movie together for the first time. You start to save money any way that you can so you can squeal like crazed fan girls at the movie. You even consider selling your lil Edward action figure and all your Twilight tshirts on ebay to make some quick cash. You remember the last time you had to sacrifice for this book, reading New Moon by candlelight after spending all your light bill money on the book and lil E. Well that’s what love is, sacrifice. After much consideration you have come up with a brilliant plan for making money. You are going to spray your husband down with Halloween body glitter and whore him out as Edward Cullen, prostitute. The truth is you couldn’t care less who he sleeps with, it’s all too clear that he’s no Edward or Jacob so why bother?  All you care about is seeing this movie with your most loyal BFF and if you can get him to stop hounding you f or poon in the process bonus! And what’s better is when you get back from what you are referring to as the ” Holy Journey” you’ll have that much needed excuse to kick him out and make room for the hot twi- hard guy you met at the premiere.

 

 

5) New Moon raises your standards: It’s true, you are really looking at things differently now. You’ve come to some harsh realizations as a result of reading these books and you know that it’s time to make some changes. You need a man who can sparkle in the sun or who has wolfie speed and hunting skills. A hot friend with  benefits or a sexy mysterious classmate with golden eyes. The bad here is that those things don’t exist and no matter how many times your honey wears those plastic vampire fangs in the bedroom it’s just not good enough. Your friends have tried to tell you that what you want isn’t realistic but you don’t care. You will have your super sweetie if it’s the last thing you do.  You ignore everything they say. You don’t care that sparkly men are gay or that overly hairy men are just repulsive. The bar has been raised, there’s no turning back now.

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5 best pick up lines… and by best we mean worst

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Have you ever been at the club or a bar and had someone feed you the cheesetastic pick up lines that are now nothing but a running joke? Or maybe you’re the one who needs a line, never knowing the right thing to say to the hot peeps all around you. Here are 5 of our personal faves. Disclaimer: Aquired taste is not responsible for you getting slapped or having drinks thrown in your face as a result of you using these, we are bat shit crazy people, don’t try this at home.

 

 

1) The Australian kiss one: You say: Can I give you an Australian kiss? They say: What’s an Australian kiss? You say: It’s like a french kiss…… but down under. WIN! If this doesn’t get you punched in the face a little bit of play nothing will. It’s everything you need in a pick up line, classy, romantic, and most of all respectful.

 

 

2)Hi. I’m an astronaut, and my next mission is to explore Uranus: Oh muh guh. I know it seems offensive, but tell the truth, is it the worst you’ve ever heard? Okay, worst case scenario, someone rallies their friends and beats the holy jesus jizz out of you. Or, depending on how you look at it, worst case scenario, someone says ok to this.

 

3)Roses are red, violets are blue, I have warts, so will you: It’s all about full disclosure with this one folks. You get to deliver this lil doozey with satisfaction knowing that you told them about your crotch rot up front and that you were funny and super classy about it. Nothing says class like poetry after all. And, bonus, you may even get a piece from it. You may realize when saying this that your special someone thinks you’re kidding about the warts thing but hey, you know what they say, “When you assume, you make an ass out of u and me.”

 

4) If you were my sister/brother, incest would be cool: UH….. awkward. Ok, ok. I’m trying to think here folks. I mean you can’t expect me to have hilarious things to say to everything can you? I mean be real here, this is pretty bad. Ok, good points, um, OOH! They will for sure know that you’re from Arkansas and that your family tree isn’t so much a tree as one really crowded branch. And, they would know you have at the least bendy morals so you may be fun in an unpredictable sister banging kinda way. Oh fuck it, I got nothin, Never ever say this. Ever.

 

 

5)I’ve had quite a bit to drink, and you’re beginning to look pretty good: Oh the romanticism! The flattery is overwhelming. The fastest way to a woman’s pantsheart is flattery. Who doesn’t like to have their ego stroked? Or their other stuff for that matter. You may have beer goggles but that sweet ugly swamp thing at the bar is gonna remember this forever. Men like to be told they are hot as much as a female and after a few too many, that dude with the missing teeth, funky breath, and hyper color t-shirt at the bar is gonna look good so go get em girls! Just remember, pick up lines are similar to charity work. Everyone needs a helping hand sometimes. Uggo’s don’tget that much play. But for 20 bucks(or whatever it takes to get you trashed) you could save a boy or girl in this bar.

 

 

Special thanks to ur home squish Luke for giving us some horrid lines that we made him promise he never would use and for turning us on to this site  http://www.linesthataregood.com/flattery.html. It was full of crazy ass lines and some of the ones listed are from the site. If you know Luke then please keep him from making an ass out of himself by saying this shit. He’ll do it, he’s that guy. Love you though!