Posts Tagged ‘edward cullen’

5 reasons New Moon is bad for you

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By now most of you have seen my Twilight post on why I think that the addictive book is bad for you. Of course with the impending release of the New Moon movie and the growing love of all things Twilight related we had no choice but to do a New Moon edition. You see this installment is just as bad for you, if not worse than, its predecessor. Here are the 5 reasons we think New Moon could change your world in an unhappy kind of way.

 

 

1) Enter Jacob Black: Just when you thought that Twilight would ruin you for all men and that no-one could ever be as perfect as Edward, here comes Jacob. He is just as hot, if not more depending on your type. He’s smart, he’s sweet, and he’s all supernatural giving him the sexy/ scary edge we all know and love. You can’t help yourself from wanting to buy ugly wolf t-shirts and dream catchers. You may even consider joining an Indian tribe just to see if you can find your own wolfy counterpart. Edward is amazing, making you want your man to sparkle and always say the right things. Jacob makes you want your man to sprout fur and fix cars like a real man should. He’s just as bad for your love life as Edward and even worse, you want to betray your dumpster fantasies in favor of a more plausible fantasy. Something involving a dirty shack garage and motor oil comes to mind. Damn it. If you weren’t before you definitely are now. That’s right, you’re ruined for all men and you don’t even care.

 

 

2) Your friends are seriously lacking: New moon is filled with more tried and true friends than any one stupid clumsy way luckier than you girl should ever have. Jacob is all beautiful and funny and knows how to fix motorcycles which he does willingly. Not to mention that he helps cover up all your highly dangerous and illadvised extra curricular activities without ever stopping to think twice. He protects you frm all the evil doer types and he’s pretty nice to look at. Then Alice shows up all concerned and giving you great fashion advice and you realize that your friends suck. BAD. Your best guy friend calls you to change hisflat tires and he totally would rat you out for being dumb. He’s always saying things like better safe than sorry and before you thought the protective thing was cute, now all you want him to do is take you cliff diving and STFU. Your best girl friends are no where near as fashionable as Alice, in fact you can recall a horrific pair of bright yellow shorts and teal green corduroy bell bottoms that they once wore and it makes you want to vomit. Alot. New Moon will make you realize that your friends are just whiny fashion victims with no super powers and nothing even remotely interesting to contribute. Who needs friends anyway? You’ve got your lil Edward action figure and 3 copies each of the Twilight Saga. What more could you need?

 

3) You got a death wish?: After you’ve finished your now worn out copy of the second Twilight book you are left wanting more. You remind yourself of all the best parts and then it hits you: you want to hear voices, you want to die. Okay, maybe not die but attempt it in hopes of having some hot vamp voice warn you against it. You want to be saved too, you know, by the hot Indianguy in the book. You figure if you start doing things like dirt bike riding and jumping off cliffs you just might get lucky and have you r very own twilight inspired supernatural event. And hey, if all else fails, you heard that people with severe head injuries hallucinate. This is what we call a win win situation.

 

4) Travel is expensive: You and your bestie are counting down the days until the movie release of New Moon. Even though you live hundreds of miles apart the two of you have decided on the blessed day (november 20th, yeah i know that, what? don’t judge me) you are going to meet up at the half way point and watch the movie together for the first time. You start to save money any way that you can so you can squeal like crazed fan girls at the movie. You even consider selling your lil Edward action figure and all your Twilight tshirts on ebay to make some quick cash. You remember the last time you had to sacrifice for this book, reading New Moon by candlelight after spending all your light bill money on the book and lil E. Well that’s what love is, sacrifice. After much consideration you have come up with a brilliant plan for making money. You are going to spray your husband down with Halloween body glitter and whore him out as Edward Cullen, prostitute. The truth is you couldn’t care less who he sleeps with, it’s all too clear that he’s no Edward or Jacob so why bother?  All you care about is seeing this movie with your most loyal BFF and if you can get him to stop hounding you f or poon in the process bonus! And what’s better is when you get back from what you are referring to as the ” Holy Journey” you’ll have that much needed excuse to kick him out and make room for the hot twi- hard guy you met at the premiere.

 

 

5) New Moon raises your standards: It’s true, you are really looking at things differently now. You’ve come to some harsh realizations as a result of reading these books and you know that it’s time to make some changes. You need a man who can sparkle in the sun or who has wolfie speed and hunting skills. A hot friend with  benefits or a sexy mysterious classmate with golden eyes. The bad here is that those things don’t exist and no matter how many times your honey wears those plastic vampire fangs in the bedroom it’s just not good enough. Your friends have tried to tell you that what you want isn’t realistic but you don’t care. You will have your super sweetie if it’s the last thing you do.  You ignore everything they say. You don’t care that sparkly men are gay or that overly hairy men are just repulsive. The bar has been raised, there’s no turning back now.

5 Reasons why Twilight is bad for you

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I know, Twilight, bad for you? It’s the worst kind of blasphemy! I can admit to being a shrieking fan girl over Rob, I can admit to owning and reading all 4 books( plus the Midnight Sun internet leak), and I can admit that I am completely enthrallled with the series. Now for the other stuff, Twilight is sooo bad for people, it causes O.C.D. ( obsessive cullen disorder) and is wreaking havoc in lives> I believe Twilight should come with a warning from the surgeon general or something and here are 5 reasons why.

 

1) Edward Cullen makes you resent your man: It’s true, Edward is (gasp!), fictional. He doesn’t exist, it’s a terrible fact. Reading twilight and the following books makes women realize how perfect he is and how incredibly flawed their men are. You may find yourself asking questions like ” Why don’t you sparkle?” or ” I wish for once you would just try to be sexy and brooding!” or “If I was so delicious that you wanted to kill/ eat me, would you resist just for love?”. The answer is, uh no. Real men are nowhere near as amazing as Edward( or Rob) and therefore are disappointing as a whole. It’ll make you consider leaving your honey in search of your fictional vampire equivalent. Don’t ruin your relationships girls!!! Edward is fictional, besides any man in real life that sparkles like that would be gay anyway.

2) Twilight causes financial hardship:  So your just walking along in your local Barnes and Noble, checkin out the new releases, when you stumble on a copy of Twilight. You think ” isn’t this a movie now?”, ” Maybe I’ll pick it up and try it.”. So you do, and you find yourself immediately twi-cracked ( being totally cracked out by twilight). You know you shouldn’t buy any more books what with your light bill being due and all, your job at the krispy kreme doesn’t pay much, you decide better of it and tell yourself the lights MUST stay on and you will just have to wait. Maybe you’ll kill some time and go walk around the mall. In the mall you cross paths with a lil store called Hot Topic, you go in. Oh, shit.  You’re in a Twilight blackhole surrounded by every possible form of twi-crack and you spend more than half of your light bill money on a lil Edward action figure and some t-shirts. Well you’ve done it now, might as well get the books. So you travel to the book store and then stop off at Blockbuster to get a copy of the dvd. While you sit in the dark, reading New Moon by candlelight, you have no remorse, you get paid again in a week, the director’s notebook is out now, you guess the water bill will just have to wait.

3) Twilight fans are social outcasts: The average Twilight fan is a teenage girl. There are also a number of adult fans who are completely enthralled and a lil obsessed with these books. Unfortunately there is also a stigma attached to being one of those fans. You may be perceived as silly, immature, childish, or maybe even out and out stupid. People tend to frown upon Twilight and the literary merit of the series. It’s been said that Twilight is the Equivalent of “Dude Where’s my Car” in book form. So, now you find that you’re completely obsessed with the books, you read and re-read, you visit websites like The Twilight Saga and Letters to Twilight where you can get your fix. You know you can’t tell your friends, they won’t understand, and when you are at the water cooler at work and someone sees your Team Edward button (you forgot you were wearing it), they all start to make fun. Twilight will make you an outcast, but who cares, Forks has a Krispy Kreme and you are looking to transfer. My guess? They’ll get it, you’ll show them, all of them!!!

 

4) Twilight will get you fired from your job: Now that you’ve put yourself into a financial downward spiral purchasing all your twilight paraphanalia, you can’t access the internet because your lights have been turned off. Now that you are the manager at the local doughnut hole( pun intended), you have a nice lil computer in your office/cleaning supply closet. So you start visiting your fave sites and before you know it, your on a conference call with your boss who has been tracking your internet use. You are sooo busted!  It’s a big no no using the company pc for personal use, or chatting with your friends while you break down the new moon poster ” vanity fair style”.

5) Twilight makes you neglect your family: Say you are lucky enough to have avoided financial ruin, the loss of your relationship, and the loss of your job. CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!  I am truly proud of you. I bet you’re a stay at home mom whose hubby doesn’t mind that you think Edward is so perfect and has even put on a lil body glitter to spice up your love life. You are  lucky, very lucky. But……. what about the children? I’m sure I can’t be the only Twi-mom. In fact, I know I’m not. Now you have these books, these books that are so much better than anything else, you’re reading constantly and when you’re not reading you’re on the net looking up stuff about the books or staring at Rob’s messy delicious hair. When little Billy needs help with his homework you tell him, Edward Cullen doesn’t need help, neither do you! When your kids tell you they want a car for their sweet 16 you say, Bella would never ask for anything from anyone, you could learn a thing or two from her! You see where this is going? You come to think of the characters as real people and now your family is suffering for your obsession. It’s a slippery slope people!

 

The next 5 Reasons will be coming soon, leave me comments and as always, thanks for reading!