Posts Tagged ‘taylor lautner’

5 things we loved and hated about New Moon

Much like the rest of the world we saw New Moon…  when it came out. Before you say it, yes, we did buy our tickets in advance, and yes we are really that nerdy. So, while we wait for the much anticipated sequel and the upcoming DVD release this weekend, we thought it best to blog about what we loved and hated about the movie. Of course this is purely informational. not like we expect our demands suggestions to be taken in to consideration or anything………

1) Why are all the laws set up to keep me from bangin Jacob Black?: We loved the book. In fact, New Moon was our definite favorite of the Twilight Saga. In it Bella finally starts coming into her own, she finally grows a personailty. Before New Moon, Bella kind of came off as a whiny insecure twit but here she is, all grown up, hangin with the big dogs( pun intended). More than that we get to know Jacob. When Tay Tay, that’s the nick name we gave him, he loves it, trust me, enters in this movie it is so perfectly …well…perfect. There he is, in all his hotness. Let;s just take a moment to sigh in unison over the boys’ abs shall we? Not only is he the perfect guy best frien that loves you and protects you no matter how screwed up you are( holla Luke!), he is brutally hot and wants to show you all his muscles, all of em. I;ll admit, I drooled, I grunted in appreciation of that first shirtless scene along with all the other women and gay men in the theater. Here’s the bad though….he is underage, in the book and in reality. WHY GOD WHY? Tay Tay is a mere 17 and I’m, well….. not. Why would the leaders of this country stop me from goin majorly cougar on his fine ass? I say it’s time to rewrite the laws. We’ll call it the Jacob Black act. It’s sole purpose will be to allow older women to get it and hit it in instances where the underage guy is sooo hot it makes your eyeballs burn just lookin at him. He is hot…like surface of the sun hot. All I need is the go ahead from local law enforcement and I’ll make that boy into a man…a dirty dirty man. Yeah, all that’s holding us back from being together is the law…yeah…that’s all

2) Bella, Bella, Bella, where do I begin?: New Moon is amazing, the story, the movie. It was fanfukkintastic( thanks to the absence of one Cathy Hardwicke, cougar extraordinaire). While I love that Bella finds a sense of self in this installment I also have to wonder what the eff she was doing surrounded by hot half naked man-wolves and not hittin that in a mixture of fantasy and illegal lovin come to life. Seriously? You have this ripped, sexy, sensitive, comp[letely in love with you guy hangin around you, complimenting you, and knowing you better than anyone on the planet because he listens, not because you had to tell him, and you spend your time doing death defying stunts cuz you miss the pale faces? LAME BITCH, LAME.  Glad you got your self a personality, really glad that the makeup department in this flick was able to disguise your funknast moolay( that’s french for mullet), but really? You shoulda hit it. Yeah yeah, you love Edward, we all do. But Jacob? In some ways Jacob is more perfect than Edward ever could be and while you sit alone, screaming yourself to sleep at night, you could be bangin the hottest wolfman…ever. I know the pains of a broken heart but you know what they say..the best way to get over a guy is to get under a new one.

3) Don’t buy the hype: I get it, Edward is hot and perfect and beautiful, but, at the risk of sounding like I’m team Jacob ( I’m only team jacob if I can hit it) which we’re totes not, shut up already! Jacob is right on the heels of all that fiction perfection that Edward is. In this Jacob is, well he’s effin Jacob ok! He is smart and funny and protective and FUGGIN HOT and…..takin a break to swoon…talk amongst yourselves, I’ll give you a topic, a peanut is neither a pea nor a nut..discuss……. OK! We’re back, yeah , Jacob is everything the perfect guy should be, the only way he could get better is if he were a musician on top of everything else….oh right, enter Edward.

4) Um, WTF Is the deal with Dakota Fanning?: Look, I lovez me some twilight. I lovez me some Volturi too actually and I’m all about the evil Jane and her creepy twin. I love the whole concept that she can fuck shit up with her mind! It’s so very…well it’s so very carrie meets interview with the vampire so when I heard that she got the part, gap toothed, cute as a button, sean penn as a tardo’s daughter Dakota fuggin Fanning I waslike huh? I’m sorry , it’s a big no for me. I watched th emovie with an open mind, I really did, but every time I looked at her all I could see is the very cute littl girl who gave Joey advice on Friends or the Kid Tom Cruise carried around the set of war of the worlds like a life sized cabbage patch doll. It was muy disappointing folks. She is as believeable as evil as Mother Teresa would be playing Freddy. It’s like casting a muppet to play pinhead. Seriously casting people? Dakota Fanning? Was she the only actress in all of the universe available at the time? Well now you’re stuck with her……may I suggest next time using someone a little less disney and a little more, I dunno…not.

5) Bottom Line-get naked!: That’s right, I said that shit. I love the books, I LOVE ROB! I want to have his chest haired british children. Him and Taylor are all half naked throughout the movie, I want full frontal gentlemen! And not the creepy tuck version from little ashes either. Gimme some r rated grown ups only type goodness please or else I will have to photoshop your heads on to some of Levi Johnston’s Playgirl pics and trust me,noone wants that.

Our Vmas post, and yes there are 5

5pinkSo I know I watched the MTV Vma’s last night and I am fairly certain most of you did too so here are our 5 most fave or seriouslyhated moents from the show and yes people, we are going to comment on Kanye.

 

1) For old men you kinda kick ass: GREEN DAY BITCHES! I loved their performance last night. Yes I realize that they are not really old men ( if they are I’m old too) but it was crazy to realize that they were first on the VMA”s 15 friggin years ago. And I have always had this weird fantasty about being at a rock show and getting asked to come on stage, although I have to admit that if I were in the close proximity of Billy Joe Armstrong like those lucky peeps were last night there is no way I would have gotten off stage with less than a chunk of his hair and having grabbed his junk at least once. What? When fate throws you in to something you have to take it and run with it, even if that means molesting a rock star on national television.

 

 

2) Russell Brand is like the english version of Dane Cook, only funny: Russell, Russell you crazy ass perv. As always he was hilarious. Some may have found him to be cras or out of line but that’s what makes him funny. I love how he kept saying he was gonna impregnate Lady GaGa. I loved how he pretty much insulted some of the most important people in music yet never crossed the line and talked shit about MJ (even though he could have and it would have been honest). I also loved how he even talked shit about himself and the ridiculously tight pants he was wearing but never changed clothes. But most of all, I LOVED HIS PANTS. Thank you and please always wear them.

 

3) Kanye West loves Fishsticks : I hate this guy, really.HATE HIM. Let me just say that I am not a huge fan of Taylor Swift, I respect her as a musician but that’s pretty much it. Let me also say that I’m not a big fan of Beyonce, again, respect her artistic gangster but the buck stops there. Then here comes Kanye West, the biggest D-Bag ever and he succeeds in making me do 3 things I thought I never would, 1) Starting to actually give a shit about TSwift, I never did, in fact I recently booed her on the phone while my BFF sang her praises but I found myself last night wanting to hug the poor girl and buy her CD so she would feel better, 2) He made me like Beyonce. In general I think she is over-adored and way too played. The girl is pretty, she has a nice ass, she can half ass sing. I just think that people hang the moon on that chic primarily for her physical attributes and not based on her talent which is well… lacking. Then she pulled this move last night and let TSwift have her moment. Classy and much needed, I think I’ll like you now ya bitch. and 3) Making me hate him more, I hate him, it’s a known fact that I think he is an over confident windbag who should have died in that car accident and who has done nothing but feel entitled to awards he hasn’t earned and rights he doesn’t deserve since he came out and to add to that he went and stole something from some poor little girl who has probably waited her entire life for that moment. YOU SUCK KANYE WEST! Die already, please….. no but really…. DIE.

 

4) OMG It’s the New Moon trailer!!!!: Okay I screeched like a 12 year old girl when it was over. I’ll admit it. I loved every second of that trailer, even the parts that were in no way a part of the book, like Edward gettin tossed around in the Volturri part at the end, WTF was that you bitches? I loved seeing Rob all sexy like and I loved how KSpew tried to hide her mullet by pulling it back. Most of all though, I loved how my son watched the trailer and when Jacob Black turns into a wolf he said ” MOMMY!, Shark Boy just turned into a wolf!” I laughed so hard I peed a little.

 

 

5) Jack Black loves the Devil: Um….. really Jack Black? Are we praying to the devil now? Hmm…. awkward. The best part was that when they flashed to the crowd the audience was actually praying participating in your bad humor! It was at most a joke that wasn’t funny and at the least offensive and shameful. Before you all start to close this blog with the fear that I’ve gon  all Jesus lovin on you stop. I haven’t. Not all religious, not thumpin bibles or dancin with the holy ghost. The thing is though that everyone watches the VMAS, kids included. Maybe praying to Satan on a show you can almost guarantee children are watching is in poor taste, maybe it’s a wicked stupid thing to do even. I would expect more from a parent, I would expect more from a guy who does kid movies. I would expect more from a box of hair or a dead goldfish for that matter, pretty much anyone who has a pulse should have known that was not cool. Cool points lost dude, you are officially an ass.