Posts Tagged ‘friends’

5 reasons New Moon is bad for you

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By now most of you have seen my Twilight post on why I think that the addictive book is bad for you. Of course with the impending release of the New Moon movie and the growing love of all things Twilight related we had no choice but to do a New Moon edition. You see this installment is just as bad for you, if not worse than, its predecessor. Here are the 5 reasons we think New Moon could change your world in an unhappy kind of way.

 

 

1) Enter Jacob Black: Just when you thought that Twilight would ruin you for all men and that no-one could ever be as perfect as Edward, here comes Jacob. He is just as hot, if not more depending on your type. He’s smart, he’s sweet, and he’s all supernatural giving him the sexy/ scary edge we all know and love. You can’t help yourself from wanting to buy ugly wolf t-shirts and dream catchers. You may even consider joining an Indian tribe just to see if you can find your own wolfy counterpart. Edward is amazing, making you want your man to sparkle and always say the right things. Jacob makes you want your man to sprout fur and fix cars like a real man should. He’s just as bad for your love life as Edward and even worse, you want to betray your dumpster fantasies in favor of a more plausible fantasy. Something involving a dirty shack garage and motor oil comes to mind. Damn it. If you weren’t before you definitely are now. That’s right, you’re ruined for all men and you don’t even care.

 

 

2) Your friends are seriously lacking: New moon is filled with more tried and true friends than any one stupid clumsy way luckier than you girl should ever have. Jacob is all beautiful and funny and knows how to fix motorcycles which he does willingly. Not to mention that he helps cover up all your highly dangerous and illadvised extra curricular activities without ever stopping to think twice. He protects you frm all the evil doer types and he’s pretty nice to look at. Then Alice shows up all concerned and giving you great fashion advice and you realize that your friends suck. BAD. Your best guy friend calls you to change hisflat tires and he totally would rat you out for being dumb. He’s always saying things like better safe than sorry and before you thought the protective thing was cute, now all you want him to do is take you cliff diving and STFU. Your best girl friends are no where near as fashionable as Alice, in fact you can recall a horrific pair of bright yellow shorts and teal green corduroy bell bottoms that they once wore and it makes you want to vomit. Alot. New Moon will make you realize that your friends are just whiny fashion victims with no super powers and nothing even remotely interesting to contribute. Who needs friends anyway? You’ve got your lil Edward action figure and 3 copies each of the Twilight Saga. What more could you need?

 

3) You got a death wish?: After you’ve finished your now worn out copy of the second Twilight book you are left wanting more. You remind yourself of all the best parts and then it hits you: you want to hear voices, you want to die. Okay, maybe not die but attempt it in hopes of having some hot vamp voice warn you against it. You want to be saved too, you know, by the hot Indianguy in the book. You figure if you start doing things like dirt bike riding and jumping off cliffs you just might get lucky and have you r very own twilight inspired supernatural event. And hey, if all else fails, you heard that people with severe head injuries hallucinate. This is what we call a win win situation.

 

4) Travel is expensive: You and your bestie are counting down the days until the movie release of New Moon. Even though you live hundreds of miles apart the two of you have decided on the blessed day (november 20th, yeah i know that, what? don’t judge me) you are going to meet up at the half way point and watch the movie together for the first time. You start to save money any way that you can so you can squeal like crazed fan girls at the movie. You even consider selling your lil Edward action figure and all your Twilight tshirts on ebay to make some quick cash. You remember the last time you had to sacrifice for this book, reading New Moon by candlelight after spending all your light bill money on the book and lil E. Well that’s what love is, sacrifice. After much consideration you have come up with a brilliant plan for making money. You are going to spray your husband down with Halloween body glitter and whore him out as Edward Cullen, prostitute. The truth is you couldn’t care less who he sleeps with, it’s all too clear that he’s no Edward or Jacob so why bother?  All you care about is seeing this movie with your most loyal BFF and if you can get him to stop hounding you f or poon in the process bonus! And what’s better is when you get back from what you are referring to as the ” Holy Journey” you’ll have that much needed excuse to kick him out and make room for the hot twi- hard guy you met at the premiere.

 

 

5) New Moon raises your standards: It’s true, you are really looking at things differently now. You’ve come to some harsh realizations as a result of reading these books and you know that it’s time to make some changes. You need a man who can sparkle in the sun or who has wolfie speed and hunting skills. A hot friend with  benefits or a sexy mysterious classmate with golden eyes. The bad here is that those things don’t exist and no matter how many times your honey wears those plastic vampire fangs in the bedroom it’s just not good enough. Your friends have tried to tell you that what you want isn’t realistic but you don’t care. You will have your super sweetie if it’s the last thing you do.  You ignore everything they say. You don’t care that sparkly men are gay or that overly hairy men are just repulsive. The bar has been raised, there’s no turning back now.

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5 Reasons your friend may be a dork.

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You know you love your friends, they are incredible people who always support you and have your back. But……., maybe you are not so sure about that friends’ cool points. Maybe they are a smidge too obsessed with Star Trek, or they own season one of Hannah Montana on dvd. Or maybe they know all the words to the Full House theme song and sing it when they are out in public, have mercy. Here are 5 reasons that your friend, however awesome they may be, is also a raging dork. 

 

1) They are way to into their pets: You know who you are, you love your pets, as you should, but maybe it’s a lil too much. Your pal is a great listener, but sometimes when you call them to vent you find yourself listeneing to them babytalk to their dog with you on the phone. You hear your BFF say things like “Who’s my baby?” or “Him so precious!!”. You know that it is more than a little wierd, that it’s a lil strange your buddy talks to their pets like that but when they learn that their female dog is preggers and starts referring to the puppies as their “grandpuppies” it’s all gone too far. It’s okay, yeah, your friend is a total spaz but at least you know where you can get a pet sitter for those unexpected trips to Vegas right?

 

2) Your BFF is entirely too caught up in the newest hot guy celeb: Our bestie is  amazing!! She’s smart, funny and a total laugh riot but it all seems to fade away into screaming fangirl territory when the he makes an appearnce on tv, or radio, or god help us, the internet. Of course you see the hotness, you totally get it and find yourself staring briefly and thinking about him in a hot nudie position, but then you move on, knowing it is, in fact, never going to happen. Your gal pal however, is not so easily swayed. She thinks about him, puts his pic up on her bedroom wall, she even went to hot topic and bought his mini action figure. You start to wonder what the deal is, maybe this is a problem, then you find the blog, the hugely popular blog that is dedicated to him. In one instance, she even talks about her deepest fantasy, blowing him behind a dumpster. Oh my. It’s gone too far but you are not gonna try to dissuade her, it’s obviously real for her. Well look at it this way, she is about a mili second away from full blown stalker status, you know the really scary ones that save snotty tissues and stuff?  Yeah, well when that happens, lucky you, you will be the one the news talks to to question if you ever saw this coming, and maybe as a thank you, he’ll  let you blow him behind a dumpster,  hang out with him.

 

3) Your fave friend loves Buffy: It’s only natural to attach to your fave shows, we all have them, Lost, Heroes, the list goes on. But when your bestie is obsessed with something less than normal, it’s, well…… unsettling.Let’s start with the female equivalent of Star Trek, Buffy. You know who you are, you have all 7 seasons on dvd. You have the comics, and when you feel a little bummed with your life, you pop in the musical episode to cheer you up. Your friend is the epitome of dork, you can’t deny it any longer. Let’s face it, Buffy was funny at times, but to be your fave? They even quote the show and have a welcome to Sunnydale doormat outside their front door. You love Sarah Michelle as much as the next but damn man, who spends their money on this stuff? You knew it was a lost cause when they stayed in bed for 3 days after they heard that the new Buffy movie wasn’t gonna be based off the existing show. How sad! Help your friend out!~ Don’t abandon them now, in their hour of need. Maybe to help distract them, you show them an episode of  other  vampire shows, maybe a little Tru Blood for that ass. Anything to keep from hearing the soundtrack to the musical in their car again.

 

4) They have a collection of beanie babies…. in the collector boxes: We all remember the TY Beanie Babies craze that swept the nation for 10 minutes in the 90’s. They were supposed to be highly collectible, rare ones selling for thousands online. And then……. not so much. Yeah the were cute, and you have to admit you did get the teenie beanie babies from mcdonald’s in the hopes of selling them for cash, but that was a long time ago. You know they are worthless now so you gave em up to the kiddies ages ago. Then, one day, you have writer’s block, only 2 out of 5 reasons for your  humble lil blog! You call your home slice (we’ll call her mimmie) and when you begin brainstorming, she reveals this  gem to you. She has a collection of these cutesy pieces of nothin, in their boxes, on a shelf for display. Oh sweet lord!! How could we not have known? Of course she does. She goes so far as to tell you that she refuses to let her daughter play with them, they might be worth something one day. You laugh and laugh, she then tells you to shut up, you, after all, wear toe socks and flip flops. Hello, Pot? This is Kettle, you’re black.

 

5)Your pal uses text message abreviations in their everyday speech: We all have one, a friend who latches on to the newest fad or trend and wears it out til you hate whoever came up with it with the white hot intensity of a thousand suns. You know, the one who rushed out and paid 600 dollars for a dvd player when they first came out, or payed 900 bucks for the first camera phone intoduced. Now, as time has moved on, and credit card bill sare piling up, they lean more towards trends like texting, ones that are not that expensive. So now that they hear people talking in text codes, of course they have to. They reply OMG!! every time you say anything the least bit shocking. When they are upset by something that has happened to them, they say WTF? You start to wonder why on earth they can’t be bothered to speak those 3 words, it’s not like there’s a word limit in life. It becomes habitual and after an hour straight conversation about the dream you had last night where you and that one hot greasy headed guy from that movie meet,fall in love, and do the nasty in the dumpster this time, they reply LMAO. It’s got to stop somewhere and you find yourself telling them that lazy ass people should take the time to say the damn words instead of abbreviating everything like a damn tard. You don’t bother telling them how your frustartion stems from having no idea what those little abbreviations actually mean.

 

We here at 5 reasons sometimes have to consult our fab friends for inspiration for our blog. I need to send love and thank you’s to LTR for the fab dumpster reference, Mimmie for cracking me up when she said, ” I’d blow him in a dumpster, fuck it!” I have never laughed so hard in my life, and Ouija for letting me hang on to all those Buffy dvds, yeah that one is me. And in case you weren’t sure, the dumpster man in question is one Rob Pattinson. HOT!