Archive for September, 2009

5 reasons you may need to change




Hi ! Long time no blog! It’s been a hot minute since we posted anything, the VMAS even, can you believe it? We got a nasty taste of Karma when we were uncerimoniously smacked down by the effin swine flu and it’s taken us a while to recover. BUT we’re back! And I don’t know about you guys but I defs need a little walk on the side of hilarity so here are our 5 reasons why you may need to change. Maybe you are in the crossroads of life asking yourself the age old question… stripper pole or med school? Or maybe you have recently decided that if your boss asks you to blow him one more time you’re looking for a new job, either way change may be in the cards and here is why.



1) Your boyfriend’s back….. and you hate that dick: The first sign that you need to change your current relationship status is if you aren’t happy when they come home. You just know the second he hits the door he’s gonna start in about work or the house or some shiz and if you have to sit through one more second of his bitching you very well might stab him in the eye with a pencil. On one hand, you always wanted to be on the news, on the other you’re way too pretty for prison. Ahh life’s little dilemmas. Of course you could see yourself with him for another thousand years( cuz that’s how long it feels like) but why? You hate this a-hole so it’s time for change. Ditch the douche and hop on to the first piece-o-sexy that crosses your path. Yes you will look like a delirious slut but what the eff? You know what they say, the quickest way to get over a guy is to get under a new one.



2)You need money and your boobs are way too saggy to climb the pole: You and your ex are splitsville and the alot of things have changed, except your rent. It’s still the same except you’re paying all of it now instead of having that stupid dick help you. You know you have to do something to bring in some cash but let’s face it, you had a baby or too and your boobs just aren’t as rockin as they used to be. You realize with a certain sadness that it’s time to pack up your clear heels and give up the pole cuz you’re a bit too old for that now. The only thing left to do is holla at your homie who works at the local Hooters restaurant and start slingin wings. If you think about it, you’re kinda like a sad old lady superhero, by day a conservative corporate climber, by night a hot wing slinger in booty shorts. Hey, what ever you need to tell yourself.


3) You want to move forward and your friends are running screaming in the other direction: Everyone hits a point in life when they decide it’s time to grow up and make changes. You are sothere. You know that major changes are necessary and that you have to make tough choices so you can be the grown up you always wanted to be ( you even bought big boy undies!). When you start to tell your pals about the new you all they have to say is negative garbage. LAME. They ask you what you think you’re going to accomplish by doing all this or if there is some sexy cougar you’re trying to hook up with cuz no way are you an adult. Sorry, no way. You decide that you are going to keep your plans in motion but be quiet about it, you’ll show those little people. As time passes you start to notice things, they sure are partying alot, in fact you have been the happy recipient of several drunken phone calls where your homie proceeds to cry about their dog that died….. in 8th grade. You see that they are out regularly whoring around with slutty loser types that have nothing to offer a mature adult. Well my friend here comes the ugly chic they sent to your house last night  truth: You need new friends. It’s clear that you have ideas about what it means to be an adult and responsible and while you will defs miss the bar hopping, drunken one night stands, and trips to the store the next day for you tube of Charlie Sheen’s clap cream, you have to move on. You know that adults don’t spend their time at bars or riding mechanical bulls. You know that all those random meaningless hook ups are pointless, what you need is someone you can build a future with. Besides that your doctor told you that another case of itchy nuts and your junk might just fall off. How are you gonna convince the girl next door to marry you if you have to explain the lack of junk due to excessive hoe humping? The future’s so bright I gotta wear shades.


4) People aren’t so much impressed with your youthful bluntness as they are pissed off at the mouthy old lady: When you were younger you said what was on your mind, you spoke the truth and were loved for it. You were known for your brutal honesty and it was something you prided yourself on. You were great to the people you cared about but god help the unknown masses, they were open targets for your honesty fueled humor. Now that you are getting a little older some folks are less and less amused by your commentary. So you called someone a desperate mess, it’s funny cuz it’s true. Or not, they made a point of telling you politely to go fuck yourself, only they made sure not to curse because it’s rude to cuss out old peoplethey are really nice and you have them all wrong. It seems to be a pretty common theme lately that people don’t appreciate all that honesty you have anymore. They want you to be docile and sweet. No more crazy you with the mouth and the quick witted retorts. No thanks. Maybe it’s time to change your ways. You should go ahead and face it, you’re rude. They don’t like it. Being brutally honest is not a pass to be shitty to people. But….. are they new here? They should know that no matter how old you get you will always keepz it real. You will call sad girls desperate and tell them they are behaving like confused overly horny teenagers. You’re gonna tell that girl at the mall her outfit looks like it was made from 100% camel toe and they can eat ass if they don’t like it. You may be getting older but you can’t teach an old dog… or some shit.




5) Your name’s bennett and you ain’t in it: Conflict conflict everywhere. It seems like all your peeps are going through dramaz in their lives and while you love them you just don’t want o deal with their shiz. It’s taxing and after all, it’s not your drama. YOu know that it’s time to take a step back when you find yourself worked up into a frenzy over your bestie bangin the bar doorman cuz firstly, you don’t give a flying fuck, and’re a fan of some strange, no hating necessary. Your friends all call you for advice and a shoulder to cry on and you love that they can rely on you and trust you but maybe it’s time to stop all that. You have a slew of crazy badness going on in your own life and it hasn’t escaped your attention that they can’t be bothered to listen when your world is crashing. Better to have your own drama than deal with everyone else’s. At least you know who to yell at and blame all your problems on then. You decide a change is needed.No more being their crying shoulder, you’ll be focusing on your own messes for now and the next time some one calls you with their dramz you are gonna tell them that their friendship is like a prison….on the planet bullshit……in the galaxy of this sucks camel dicks. Put that in your pipe and smoke it.

Our Vmas post, and yes there are 5

5pinkSo I know I watched the MTV Vma’s last night and I am fairly certain most of you did too so here are our 5 most fave or seriouslyhated moents from the show and yes people, we are going to comment on Kanye.


1) For old men you kinda kick ass: GREEN DAY BITCHES! I loved their performance last night. Yes I realize that they are not really old men ( if they are I’m old too) but it was crazy to realize that they were first on the VMA”s 15 friggin years ago. And I have always had this weird fantasty about being at a rock show and getting asked to come on stage, although I have to admit that if I were in the close proximity of Billy Joe Armstrong like those lucky peeps were last night there is no way I would have gotten off stage with less than a chunk of his hair and having grabbed his junk at least once. What? When fate throws you in to something you have to take it and run with it, even if that means molesting a rock star on national television.



2) Russell Brand is like the english version of Dane Cook, only funny: Russell, Russell you crazy ass perv. As always he was hilarious. Some may have found him to be cras or out of line but that’s what makes him funny. I love how he kept saying he was gonna impregnate Lady GaGa. I loved how he pretty much insulted some of the most important people in music yet never crossed the line and talked shit about MJ (even though he could have and it would have been honest). I also loved how he even talked shit about himself and the ridiculously tight pants he was wearing but never changed clothes. But most of all, I LOVED HIS PANTS. Thank you and please always wear them.


3) Kanye West loves Fishsticks : I hate this guy, really.HATE HIM. Let me just say that I am not a huge fan of Taylor Swift, I respect her as a musician but that’s pretty much it. Let me also say that I’m not a big fan of Beyonce, again, respect her artistic gangster but the buck stops there. Then here comes Kanye West, the biggest D-Bag ever and he succeeds in making me do 3 things I thought I never would, 1) Starting to actually give a shit about TSwift, I never did, in fact I recently booed her on the phone while my BFF sang her praises but I found myself last night wanting to hug the poor girl and buy her CD so she would feel better, 2) He made me like Beyonce. In general I think she is over-adored and way too played. The girl is pretty, she has a nice ass, she can half ass sing. I just think that people hang the moon on that chic primarily for her physical attributes and not based on her talent which is well… lacking. Then she pulled this move last night and let TSwift have her moment. Classy and much needed, I think I’ll like you now ya bitch. and 3) Making me hate him more, I hate him, it’s a known fact that I think he is an over confident windbag who should have died in that car accident and who has done nothing but feel entitled to awards he hasn’t earned and rights he doesn’t deserve since he came out and to add to that he went and stole something from some poor little girl who has probably waited her entire life for that moment. YOU SUCK KANYE WEST! Die already, please….. no but really…. DIE.


4) OMG It’s the New Moon trailer!!!!: Okay I screeched like a 12 year old girl when it was over. I’ll admit it. I loved every second of that trailer, even the parts that were in no way a part of the book, like Edward gettin tossed around in the Volturri part at the end, WTF was that you bitches? I loved seeing Rob all sexy like and I loved how KSpew tried to hide her mullet by pulling it back. Most of all though, I loved how my son watched the trailer and when Jacob Black turns into a wolf he said ” MOMMY!, Shark Boy just turned into a wolf!” I laughed so hard I peed a little.



5) Jack Black loves the Devil: Um….. really Jack Black? Are we praying to the devil now? Hmm…. awkward. The best part was that when they flashed to the crowd the audience was actually praying participating in your bad humor! It was at most a joke that wasn’t funny and at the least offensive and shameful. Before you all start to close this blog with the fear that I’ve gon  all Jesus lovin on you stop. I haven’t. Not all religious, not thumpin bibles or dancin with the holy ghost. The thing is though that everyone watches the VMAS, kids included. Maybe praying to Satan on a show you can almost guarantee children are watching is in poor taste, maybe it’s a wicked stupid thing to do even. I would expect more from a parent, I would expect more from a guy who does kid movies. I would expect more from a box of hair or a dead goldfish for that matter, pretty much anyone who has a pulse should have known that was not cool. Cool points lost dude, you are officially an ass.

I’m coming, just trying not to die here

Hey my loyal readers (all 8 of you). I know it’s been a while but I am sick with the flu and trying to recover. Be patient, I hope to be feeling more myself soon and then the posting will be on full force people. I am thinking of lots to write about so hopefully when we get back it will be as offensive and hilarious as ever!

Much Love,