Posts Tagged ‘advice’

5 reasons you may need to change

z52011561

 

 

Hi ! Long time no blog! It’s been a hot minute since we posted anything, the VMAS even, can you believe it? We got a nasty taste of Karma when we were uncerimoniously smacked down by the effin swine flu and it’s taken us a while to recover. BUT we’re back! And I don’t know about you guys but I defs need a little walk on the side of hilarity so here are our 5 reasons why you may need to change. Maybe you are in the crossroads of life asking yourself the age old question… stripper pole or med school? Or maybe you have recently decided that if your boss asks you to blow him one more time you’re looking for a new job, either way change may be in the cards and here is why.

 

 

1) Your boyfriend’s back….. and you hate that dick: The first sign that you need to change your current relationship status is if you aren’t happy when they come home. You just know the second he hits the door he’s gonna start in about work or the house or some shiz and if you have to sit through one more second of his bitching you very well might stab him in the eye with a pencil. On one hand, you always wanted to be on the news, on the other you’re way too pretty for prison. Ahh life’s little dilemmas. Of course you could see yourself with him for another thousand years( cuz that’s how long it feels like) but why? You hate this a-hole so it’s time for change. Ditch the douche and hop on to the first piece-o-sexy that crosses your path. Yes you will look like a delirious slut but what the eff? You know what they say, the quickest way to get over a guy is to get under a new one.

 

 

2)You need money and your boobs are way too saggy to climb the pole: You and your ex are splitsville and the alot of things have changed, except your rent. It’s still the same except you’re paying all of it now instead of having that stupid dick help you. You know you have to do something to bring in some cash but let’s face it, you had a baby or too and your boobs just aren’t as rockin as they used to be. You realize with a certain sadness that it’s time to pack up your clear heels and give up the pole cuz you’re a bit too old for that now. The only thing left to do is holla at your homie who works at the local Hooters restaurant and start slingin wings. If you think about it, you’re kinda like a sad old lady superhero, by day a conservative corporate climber, by night a hot wing slinger in booty shorts. Hey, what ever you need to tell yourself.

 

3) You want to move forward and your friends are running screaming in the other direction: Everyone hits a point in life when they decide it’s time to grow up and make changes. You are sothere. You know that major changes are necessary and that you have to make tough choices so you can be the grown up you always wanted to be ( you even bought big boy undies!). When you start to tell your pals about the new you all they have to say is negative garbage. LAME. They ask you what you think you’re going to accomplish by doing all this or if there is some sexy cougar you’re trying to hook up with cuz no way are you an adult. Sorry, no way. You decide that you are going to keep your plans in motion but be quiet about it, you’ll show those little people. As time passes you start to notice things, they sure are partying alot, in fact you have been the happy recipient of several drunken phone calls where your homie proceeds to cry about their dog that died….. in 8th grade. You see that they are out regularly whoring around with slutty loser types that have nothing to offer a mature adult. Well my friend here comes the ugly chic they sent to your house last night  truth: You need new friends. It’s clear that you have ideas about what it means to be an adult and responsible and while you will defs miss the bar hopping, drunken one night stands, and trips to the store the next day for you tube of Charlie Sheen’s clap cream, you have to move on. You know that adults don’t spend their time at bars or riding mechanical bulls. You know that all those random meaningless hook ups are pointless, what you need is someone you can build a future with. Besides that your doctor told you that another case of itchy nuts and your junk might just fall off. How are you gonna convince the girl next door to marry you if you have to explain the lack of junk due to excessive hoe humping? The future’s so bright I gotta wear shades.

 

4) People aren’t so much impressed with your youthful bluntness as they are pissed off at the mouthy old lady: When you were younger you said what was on your mind, you spoke the truth and were loved for it. You were known for your brutal honesty and it was something you prided yourself on. You were great to the people you cared about but god help the unknown masses, they were open targets for your honesty fueled humor. Now that you are getting a little older some folks are less and less amused by your commentary. So you called someone a desperate mess, it’s funny cuz it’s true. Or not, they made a point of telling you politely to go fuck yourself, only they made sure not to curse because it’s rude to cuss out old peoplethey are really nice and you have them all wrong. It seems to be a pretty common theme lately that people don’t appreciate all that honesty you have anymore. They want you to be docile and sweet. No more crazy you with the mouth and the quick witted retorts. No thanks. Maybe it’s time to change your ways. You should go ahead and face it, you’re rude. They don’t like it. Being brutally honest is not a pass to be shitty to people. But….. are they new here? They should know that no matter how old you get you will always keepz it real. You will call sad girls desperate and tell them they are behaving like confused overly horny teenagers. You’re gonna tell that girl at the mall her outfit looks like it was made from 100% camel toe and they can eat ass if they don’t like it. You may be getting older but you can’t teach an old dog… or some shit.

 

 

 

5) Your name’s bennett and you ain’t in it: Conflict conflict everywhere. It seems like all your peeps are going through dramaz in their lives and while you love them you just don’t want o deal with their shiz. It’s taxing and after all, it’s not your drama. YOu know that it’s time to take a step back when you find yourself worked up into a frenzy over your bestie bangin the bar doorman cuz firstly, you don’t give a flying fuck, and secondly..you’re a fan of some strange, no hating necessary. Your friends all call you for advice and a shoulder to cry on and you love that they can rely on you and trust you but maybe it’s time to stop all that. You have a slew of crazy badness going on in your own life and it hasn’t escaped your attention that they can’t be bothered to listen when your world is crashing. Better to have your own drama than deal with everyone else’s. At least you know who to yell at and blame all your problems on then. You decide a change is needed.No more being their crying shoulder, you’ll be focusing on your own messes for now and the next time some one calls you with their dramz you are gonna tell them that their friendship is like a prison….on the planet bullshit……in the galaxy of this sucks camel dicks. Put that in your pipe and smoke it.

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5 reasons you should have listened

 

 

 

 

mensch5

Excuse the severe lameassness of the way this installment is laid out. Technical difficulties and all that. Any snooch, sometimes people are compelled to tell you things about your life, or the way they expect things to go if some drastic measures aren’t taken and if you’re like most of the population you don’t listen to it. Well we think people should listen to us darn it,we know things, you should give that advice another listen and here are 5 reasons why.

 

1) Who’s your daddy?: We all have those friends that love to spread joy in the world….. by banging as many people as they can.When you tell them that they’re gonna wind up like you  knockin someone up or getting knocked up, they respond that they know what they’re doing and not to worry. You tell them that babies aside they could catch some serious booty flu, blowing guys in dumpsters opens them up for all kinds of germs after all. You tell them all this from love but you get the distinct impression that not only are they not paying any attention, they are probably thinking about the next piece of unprotected, unsanitary ass they’re gonna get. Time flies by and before you know it you’re attending their kids 1st birthday party. I told you so don’t seem to fit what with the cuteness of a baby and all but in your mind you know they should have heard you out. Then you see them not so discreetly scratching their hoo-ha throughout the day and when you ask them WTF they are doing they tell you they should have listened to you, now they have a baby and the clap and it really bugs their honey every time they get to itchin all on their junk. Then they ask you for one more piece of advice, how long is too long before you tell your partner in baby makin about the itchy badness in your pants?

 

2) You could have skipped that altogether: Drama for days…. lame as shit. You got major stuff going on right now, the kinds of stuff that make you pick up the phone and ask your bestie what they think you should do. You’ve got man drama,big drama. The man you resentperson you’re married to is getting more and more less the man you want, more the man you want to kill. They tell you ditch that assface and you say you will but don’t, as usual. A few months down the road you startnoticing things, like your laptop has mysteriously disappeared, your kids nintendo ds is gone too. And, now that you think of it, you went to sleep with a wedding ring on and now your ring finger is covered  in Crisco but there is no ring. What the whofleck? You realize with no small amount of effort ( cause you’re dumb) that your sweetie has been hittin the rock again and your shiz is at the dealers house. Your honey comes home after what you can only assume was Tyrone Biggum’s crack party and when you ask him where your stuff is he tells you he has no idea, someone must have broken in and stolen it, and left everything else. Right. If you had jut left that cracky loser when your homie told you to you could have avoided this dramz all together. Next time you’ll be more open to what they tell you, and you’ll definitely start hiding your valuables, crack whores  are sneaky.

 

 

3) That is not a good look for you, or anyone: You and your pals love to go shopping together and spend time doing that as often as possible. Of course you have to ask their opinion on the clothes you buy, it’s your bestie’s job to insure you don’t go out of the house looking like Courtney Love. You head into a store and see it: the most faboosh pantsuit ever. It’s all tan and cream and made of suede and you know that if it fits you’ll be wearing it right out of the store. You race up to it so they don’t see it first and practically rip it off the rack and run to the dressing room. They follow you in and you try it on. It feels a little tight in places but over all you think it’s perfect. You come out for their thoughts and they give you that all too familiar look of disapproval. They say it looks like sausage wrap a bit small and maybe you shouldn’t get it. You know it’s jealousy talking, you look hot and this little ensemble is gonna be a major peen magnet so you tell them you’re getting it and, as you knew you would, wear it right out of the store. There are tons of hot guys at the mall today and the king of hot guys is walking toward you right now. You knew spending 3 weeks worth of pay on this was  a good idea, if it helps you get this hottie’s pants off it was money well spent. He says hi and tells you his name is Jason, he tells you he loves your outfit, and smiles really big at you. Oh god he’s hot, you start to breathe a little faster, it feels like you’re dreaming, he may be the hottest guy you’ve ever seen up close. Then it happens, He smiles again and says ” What’s that made out of, camel toe?” He laughs and shoves his number into your friend’s hand then turns and walks away. Your friend is so shocked she just stands there and then suggests you go and return the outfit before the store closes, as you walk to the bathroom to change you realize that you shoulda listened and maybe you’d be getting some hot mall guy play instead of her.Now you’ll forever be known as the girl in the camel toe pantsuit. Fuck my life.

 

4) Your starting to see what they meant about the gay thing: Your boyfriend has a friend and you really like them. She has been friends with him since before he met you and he says she’s his best friend and wants you to get to know her. Before you know it you love her too. This chic is bomb, she’s cool, she’s funny, and she’s loyal and you love that about her. She talks less and less to him and more to you and before you know it, she’s your bestie too. One day she tells you she has to reveal something to you, your man used to be gay. Before you he was all about the peen and she actually met him through his ex boyfriend. You are a lil turned on  horrified, and you don’t believe her. You quit talking to her and decide she is trying to come between your relationship. Maybe she wants him. Then in the next few days you find yourself paying more attention to him and what he does. When his boys come over for a few beers and they start to wrestle on the floor you could swear you see him grab an ass and then get a semi. A few days after that your photo album full of Rob Pattinson pictures (what? That’s normal.) comes up missing and you find it in the bathrrom with him, and he’s all sweaty and out of breath. EWWW! You start to think maybe she was right and you regret cuttin her off. Before you know it your man is asking you how you feel about 3 somes, and not with another girl. You should have heard her out, there always were little things and in retrospect you see them now. Like the time he took you to a musical for your b-day, or when he gave you a makeover at home, and it looked good, or of course that time when you caught him making out with a dude in the stairwell of your apartments. Silly,unobservant you.

 

 

5) They said she was a slut,and they were right: Your hubby is great and you have an amazing relationship. The only problem is he hates your  BFF. He tells you she’s a slut, he tells you he doesn’t like her and he doesn’t want her around. He tells  you she can’t be trusted and you have no idea why he is being this way. She is amazing, you’d trust her with your life. Yes she can be a little promiscuous but who are you to judge? It’s not your business who she sleeps with, you love her anyway and don’t judge. You don’t care if he likes her or not and you keep her around. He eventually starts to come around and you guys all hang out together. You don’t know what you would do without her, you feel lucky to have her in your life. Hmm, this is strange though, you to notice that they are hanging out alot without you. She calls and talks to him on the phone instead of you. They go out alone and don’t come back for a really long time. Then it hits you, she is a slut and that slut is crewing your man. After you have tracked them down and beaten them both with the tire  iron your mom said to always carry, for protection, you realize that he was right. You wish you had listened to him but what are you gonna do now? You head to the house to burn his clothes waiting to exhale style and on the way stop by her job to get her fired. Yes, he was right, you should have cut her off, you should have dumped her and held onto him. Ahh, well. You happen to know that she has a raging case of crotch rot and that before he knows it that min peen he’s packin will likely fall off. Next time though,you’ll listen. Honeys before whores or something like that.