Excuse the severe lameassness of the way this installment is laid out. Technical difficulties and all that. Any snooch, sometimes people are compelled to tell you things about your life, or the way they expect things to go if some drastic measures aren’t taken and if you’re like most of the population you don’t listen to it. Well we think people should listen to us darn it,we know things, you should give that advice another listen and here are 5 reasons why.
1) Who’s your daddy?: We all have those friends that love to spread joy in the world….. by banging as many people as they can.When you tell them that they’re gonna wind up like you knockin someone up or getting knocked up, they respond that they know what they’re doing and not to worry. You tell them that babies aside they could catch some serious booty flu, blowing guys in dumpsters opens them up for all kinds of germs after all. You tell them all this from love but you get the distinct impression that not only are they not paying any attention, they are probably thinking about the next piece of unprotected, unsanitary ass they’re gonna get. Time flies by and before you know it you’re attending their kids 1st birthday party. I told you so don’t seem to fit what with the cuteness of a baby and all but in your mind you know they should have heard you out. Then you see them not so discreetly scratching their hoo-ha throughout the day and when you ask them WTF they are doing they tell you they should have listened to you, now they have a baby and the clap and it really bugs their honey every time they get to itchin all on their junk. Then they ask you for one more piece of advice, how long is too long before you tell your partner in baby makin about the itchy badness in your pants?
2) You could have skipped that altogether: Drama for days…. lame as shit. You got major stuff going on right now, the kinds of stuff that make you pick up the phone and ask your bestie what they think you should do. You’ve got man drama,big drama. The man you resentperson you’re married to is getting more and more less the man you want, more the man you want to kill. They tell you ditch that assface and you say you will but don’t, as usual. A few months down the road you startnoticing things, like your laptop has mysteriously disappeared, your kids nintendo ds is gone too. And, now that you think of it, you went to sleep with a wedding ring on and now your ring finger is covered in Crisco but there is no ring. What the whofleck? You realize with no small amount of effort ( cause you’re dumb) that your sweetie has been hittin the rock again and your shiz is at the dealers house. Your honey comes home after what you can only assume was Tyrone Biggum’s crack party and when you ask him where your stuff is he tells you he has no idea, someone must have broken in and stolen it, and left everything else. Right. If you had jut left that cracky loser when your homie told you to you could have avoided this dramz all together. Next time you’ll be more open to what they tell you, and you’ll definitely start hiding your valuables, crack whores are sneaky.
3) That is not a good look for you, or anyone: You and your pals love to go shopping together and spend time doing that as often as possible. Of course you have to ask their opinion on the clothes you buy, it’s your bestie’s job to insure you don’t go out of the house looking like Courtney Love. You head into a store and see it: the most faboosh pantsuit ever. It’s all tan and cream and made of suede and you know that if it fits you’ll be wearing it right out of the store. You race up to it so they don’t see it first and practically rip it off the rack and run to the dressing room. They follow you in and you try it on. It feels a little tight in places but over all you think it’s perfect. You come out for their thoughts and they give you that all too familiar look of disapproval. They say it looks like sausage wrap a bit small and maybe you shouldn’t get it. You know it’s jealousy talking, you look hot and this little ensemble is gonna be a major peen magnet so you tell them you’re getting it and, as you knew you would, wear it right out of the store. There are tons of hot guys at the mall today and the king of hot guys is walking toward you right now. You knew spending 3 weeks worth of pay on this was a good idea, if it helps you get this hottie’s pants off it was money well spent. He says hi and tells you his name is Jason, he tells you he loves your outfit, and smiles really big at you. Oh god he’s hot, you start to breathe a little faster, it feels like you’re dreaming, he may be the hottest guy you’ve ever seen up close. Then it happens, He smiles again and says ” What’s that made out of, camel toe?” He laughs and shoves his number into your friend’s hand then turns and walks away. Your friend is so shocked she just stands there and then suggests you go and return the outfit before the store closes, as you walk to the bathroom to change you realize that you shoulda listened and maybe you’d be getting some hot mall guy play instead of her.Now you’ll forever be known as the girl in the camel toe pantsuit. Fuck my life.
4) Your starting to see what they meant about the gay thing: Your boyfriend has a friend and you really like them. She has been friends with him since before he met you and he says she’s his best friend and wants you to get to know her. Before you know it you love her too. This chic is bomb, she’s cool, she’s funny, and she’s loyal and you love that about her. She talks less and less to him and more to you and before you know it, she’s your bestie too. One day she tells you she has to reveal something to you, your man used to be gay. Before you he was all about the peen and she actually met him through his ex boyfriend. You are a lil turned on horrified, and you don’t believe her. You quit talking to her and decide she is trying to come between your relationship. Maybe she wants him. Then in the next few days you find yourself paying more attention to him and what he does. When his boys come over for a few beers and they start to wrestle on the floor you could swear you see him grab an ass and then get a semi. A few days after that your photo album full of Rob Pattinson pictures (what? That’s normal.) comes up missing and you find it in the bathrrom with him, and he’s all sweaty and out of breath. EWWW! You start to think maybe she was right and you regret cuttin her off. Before you know it your man is asking you how you feel about 3 somes, and not with another girl. You should have heard her out, there always were little things and in retrospect you see them now. Like the time he took you to a musical for your b-day, or when he gave you a makeover at home, and it looked good, or of course that time when you caught him making out with a dude in the stairwell of your apartments. Silly,unobservant you.
5) They said she was a slut,and they were right: Your hubby is great and you have an amazing relationship. The only problem is he hates your BFF. He tells you she’s a slut, he tells you he doesn’t like her and he doesn’t want her around. He tells you she can’t be trusted and you have no idea why he is being this way. She is amazing, you’d trust her with your life. Yes she can be a little promiscuous but who are you to judge? It’s not your business who she sleeps with, you love her anyway and don’t judge. You don’t care if he likes her or not and you keep her around. He eventually starts to come around and you guys all hang out together. You don’t know what you would do without her, you feel lucky to have her in your life. Hmm, this is strange though, you to notice that they are hanging out alot without you. She calls and talks to him on the phone instead of you. They go out alone and don’t come back for a really long time. Then it hits you, she is a slut and that slut is crewing your man. After you have tracked them down and beaten them both with the tire iron your mom said to always carry, for protection, you realize that he was right. You wish you had listened to him but what are you gonna do now? You head to the house to burn his clothes waiting to exhale style and on the way stop by her job to get her fired. Yes, he was right, you should have cut her off, you should have dumped her and held onto him. Ahh, well. You happen to know that she has a raging case of crotch rot and that before he knows it that min peen he’s packin will likely fall off. Next time though,you’ll listen. Honeys before whores or something like that.