Posts Tagged ‘relationships’

5 reasons you may need to change

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Hi ! Long time no blog! It’s been a hot minute since we posted anything, the VMAS even, can you believe it? We got a nasty taste of Karma when we were uncerimoniously smacked down by the effin swine flu and it’s taken us a while to recover. BUT we’re back! And I don’t know about you guys but I defs need a little walk on the side of hilarity so here are our 5 reasons why you may need to change. Maybe you are in the crossroads of life asking yourself the age old question… stripper pole or med school? Or maybe you have recently decided that if your boss asks you to blow him one more time you’re looking for a new job, either way change may be in the cards and here is why.

 

 

1) Your boyfriend’s back….. and you hate that dick: The first sign that you need to change your current relationship status is if you aren’t happy when they come home. You just know the second he hits the door he’s gonna start in about work or the house or some shiz and if you have to sit through one more second of his bitching you very well might stab him in the eye with a pencil. On one hand, you always wanted to be on the news, on the other you’re way too pretty for prison. Ahh life’s little dilemmas. Of course you could see yourself with him for another thousand years( cuz that’s how long it feels like) but why? You hate this a-hole so it’s time for change. Ditch the douche and hop on to the first piece-o-sexy that crosses your path. Yes you will look like a delirious slut but what the eff? You know what they say, the quickest way to get over a guy is to get under a new one.

 

 

2)You need money and your boobs are way too saggy to climb the pole: You and your ex are splitsville and the alot of things have changed, except your rent. It’s still the same except you’re paying all of it now instead of having that stupid dick help you. You know you have to do something to bring in some cash but let’s face it, you had a baby or too and your boobs just aren’t as rockin as they used to be. You realize with a certain sadness that it’s time to pack up your clear heels and give up the pole cuz you’re a bit too old for that now. The only thing left to do is holla at your homie who works at the local Hooters restaurant and start slingin wings. If you think about it, you’re kinda like a sad old lady superhero, by day a conservative corporate climber, by night a hot wing slinger in booty shorts. Hey, what ever you need to tell yourself.

 

3) You want to move forward and your friends are running screaming in the other direction: Everyone hits a point in life when they decide it’s time to grow up and make changes. You are sothere. You know that major changes are necessary and that you have to make tough choices so you can be the grown up you always wanted to be ( you even bought big boy undies!). When you start to tell your pals about the new you all they have to say is negative garbage. LAME. They ask you what you think you’re going to accomplish by doing all this or if there is some sexy cougar you’re trying to hook up with cuz no way are you an adult. Sorry, no way. You decide that you are going to keep your plans in motion but be quiet about it, you’ll show those little people. As time passes you start to notice things, they sure are partying alot, in fact you have been the happy recipient of several drunken phone calls where your homie proceeds to cry about their dog that died….. in 8th grade. You see that they are out regularly whoring around with slutty loser types that have nothing to offer a mature adult. Well my friend here comes the ugly chic they sent to your house last night  truth: You need new friends. It’s clear that you have ideas about what it means to be an adult and responsible and while you will defs miss the bar hopping, drunken one night stands, and trips to the store the next day for you tube of Charlie Sheen’s clap cream, you have to move on. You know that adults don’t spend their time at bars or riding mechanical bulls. You know that all those random meaningless hook ups are pointless, what you need is someone you can build a future with. Besides that your doctor told you that another case of itchy nuts and your junk might just fall off. How are you gonna convince the girl next door to marry you if you have to explain the lack of junk due to excessive hoe humping? The future’s so bright I gotta wear shades.

 

4) People aren’t so much impressed with your youthful bluntness as they are pissed off at the mouthy old lady: When you were younger you said what was on your mind, you spoke the truth and were loved for it. You were known for your brutal honesty and it was something you prided yourself on. You were great to the people you cared about but god help the unknown masses, they were open targets for your honesty fueled humor. Now that you are getting a little older some folks are less and less amused by your commentary. So you called someone a desperate mess, it’s funny cuz it’s true. Or not, they made a point of telling you politely to go fuck yourself, only they made sure not to curse because it’s rude to cuss out old peoplethey are really nice and you have them all wrong. It seems to be a pretty common theme lately that people don’t appreciate all that honesty you have anymore. They want you to be docile and sweet. No more crazy you with the mouth and the quick witted retorts. No thanks. Maybe it’s time to change your ways. You should go ahead and face it, you’re rude. They don’t like it. Being brutally honest is not a pass to be shitty to people. But….. are they new here? They should know that no matter how old you get you will always keepz it real. You will call sad girls desperate and tell them they are behaving like confused overly horny teenagers. You’re gonna tell that girl at the mall her outfit looks like it was made from 100% camel toe and they can eat ass if they don’t like it. You may be getting older but you can’t teach an old dog… or some shit.

 

 

 

5) Your name’s bennett and you ain’t in it: Conflict conflict everywhere. It seems like all your peeps are going through dramaz in their lives and while you love them you just don’t want o deal with their shiz. It’s taxing and after all, it’s not your drama. YOu know that it’s time to take a step back when you find yourself worked up into a frenzy over your bestie bangin the bar doorman cuz firstly, you don’t give a flying fuck, and secondly..you’re a fan of some strange, no hating necessary. Your friends all call you for advice and a shoulder to cry on and you love that they can rely on you and trust you but maybe it’s time to stop all that. You have a slew of crazy badness going on in your own life and it hasn’t escaped your attention that they can’t be bothered to listen when your world is crashing. Better to have your own drama than deal with everyone else’s. At least you know who to yell at and blame all your problems on then. You decide a change is needed.No more being their crying shoulder, you’ll be focusing on your own messes for now and the next time some one calls you with their dramz you are gonna tell them that their friendship is like a prison….on the planet bullshit……in the galaxy of this sucks camel dicks. Put that in your pipe and smoke it.

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5 Reasons you got dumped

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I’m sure that no-one among us has been fortunate enough to escape being dumped…. at least once. It sucks and there’s no doubt about it. Before you go head first into your next relationship read 5 reasons why your honey may have decided to take the cat and leave your ass.

 

 

1) How can I miss you if you never leave? : Yes you heard them when they asked to have some space. You thought about it, the answer was that they had plenty of alone time when they were at work. After hours is all about you.  You go everywhere together, you do everything together. You love your shnuckums so much that you suffocate and smother spend every moment you can being with them. Well what do ya know? They start to act strange. At first you notice them not calling you on their breaks so much, then you notice that their stuff starts slowly disappearing. Maybe it was a bit much when you insisted on staying in the bathroom while they deuced so you could check  the shower curtain rod, insisting that you loved them and it shouldn’t matter if you saw their pooping face. When you come home from your job one day to find the next stalker victim  the love of your life and your cat Mr. Fuzzy Nuts gone you are so distraught. Next time listen when they tell you they would rather swallow a handful of hot staples than go another day with you. They were serious, and if you doubt it just show up at their mom’s house and watch as they down some office supplies.

 

2) You suck at listening: You are thinking about alot right now. Trying to recall something important. You know you and your girl had an argument, well mostly she did. She yelled and you looked at her intently and thought about how hot that girl in the new transformer’s movie is. You put all the mmhmm’s in at the right time and you think she didn’t even notice the fact that you weren’t even listening to her. Now that she’s gone and not returning your texts you start to think that maybe something important was in there somewhere. Hmm, you start to have flashbacks of the conversation you were supposed to be listening to, something about a dumpster. And burning….. and your cell phone.  As you start to connect the dots you remember what she said. There were pics of some blogger random girl, blowing you behind a dumpster on your phone. And she went to the doc cause it burned when she peed. She said you were over and suggested you seek medical attention cuz your man berries have a slightly green color and cartoon stink lines coming off of them in waves. You call and make an appointment for the doc and while you cruise the aisles of Walgreens looking for Charlie Sheen’s Crabs Cream, you tell yourself you will be a better listener the next time around, listening is the key.

 

3) You have gotten lazy, and she’s gotten pissed: Nagging is a right of all women. We are all too aware of the fact that it drives you crazy, we know it makes you uncomfortable. We like that. You are really starting to piss us off though. You haven’t cut the yard in 3 weeks and the grass is so tall our kid lost their bike in it. No matter how many times we ask you to, you still haven’t mastered the skill of putting the laundry in the basket instead of on top of it. And what’s worse is you act like all the shiz we do just magically happens. It’s like poof! dinner. Poof again…… the house is clean. Poof again again…. the bills are paid. Well you should have pulled your head out of your assyour fingers out of your ears and listened to all that bitching cuz now you have to take your laundry to your mom’s and she is starting to act a lil miffed. And no more magical dinners either, you’ve been hittin up Taco Bell every night this week and your stomach is angry about it. Maybe the taco bell and upset stomach is why mom is so upset about doing your laundry. Know what else? When the grass finally was cut, you found that something else had been hiding in the grass too, the hot neighbor guy who was all too happy to wash the dishes and cut the grass……. and bang your girl.

 

4) You tried to change them : Yupp, first rule of dating is if you can’t be with them as is don’t be with them at all. It’s more common than people care to admit, they find someone who is hot as hell but is a habitual fuck around, or they are super sweet but don’t work. You know the types, fixer uppers. Well when you met your hot as hell honey you just knew that with a little love they would change. After a year or two they didn’t change. You pushed harder. Still no luck.  Who do you think you are asking them to stop screwing your sister and smokin crack? That’s all their fave stuff!  Next time you’ll think before you try to become captain save a ho.

 

 

5)  It’s not me, it’s you: Yes we meant to say it like that. Sometimes relationships end because 2 people just don’t work together. or because one of you is a stinky dirty douche bag. Yeah, that’s right. You suck. You were dumped for that reason. You took all the other reasons on this list and did em all. You are a lazy, self involved, likely small peen having toxic balls. In case you hadn’t realized it, we hate you. We know you and our slutty sister have been banging and we know you gave us the herps. We know you paid the neighbor to do your chores and we know that even though we told you that you had to change you didn’t. Yeah yeah, I  know I said some things that would lead you to believe doing all that complaining might be reason to leave me, but at the end of the day only one of us can be right. It’s me, another right of being a woman. We tried to make it work but then we started picturing doing things to you, mean things. Like sending your grandma some pic of you behind  dumpster. Or showing up at your job drunk and puking on your boss. We figured before we caught a charge we should end it. Just remember hell hath no fury and all that. And that we still know where you work.

5 ways to know you have a true bestie

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 I have the most loyal friends in the world. They are always there for me, they share their cheetos, even when they are soo stoned they can’t stop laughing at the carpet, and they have been around for so long that they love me unconditionally, even when I blog about their beanie babies collection, or their crack smokin husbands (sorry girls!). Here are 5 ways to know if your friend is a true BFF or just a stragler you can’t shake.

 

1) No mission is too great: Ahh the good old days, teenage years of smokin cigs behind your parents back and finding new and inventive ways to buy them. You are underage and all, but why should that stop you from stunting your growth and gettin you some much needed cancer? So, when your fake ID isn’t workin anymore and you need a smoke, your bestie will volunteer to break into her piggy bank. The cute pink one she’s had since birth, and help you get cash for smokes. Once you have violated the little piggy, you realize you still can’t actually purchase them, what to do? Of course your homie has the answer! Call the local take out taxi, they go whereever you want and buy your food then bring it to you, just include a pack of Marlboro’s in your order and in less than an hour voila! Cancer. She is such a genius, how could you ever forget it? Years from now, when you have a tube in your throat and have to write down your thoughts since you can’t speak anymore, she’ll be there, blowin you shotguns so you can get your fix.

 

2) They always have your back: I’m sure you’ve all seen it, that christmas movie where the kid sticks his tongue to a pole and it gets stuck. One day, you and your bestie are walikng around your apartments, it’s cold outside, night time in the dead of winter and there is frost on the ground. Of course you feel brave tonight, a certain rank smellin neighbor boy smoked the sweet gonja with you and you just know if you stuck your tongue to a pole that it wouldn’t  stick. It would be hilarious, and you would earn major cool points for bravery. So you do it, and it gets stuck. You are panicking and with much effort, you tell her to ” guh geh some hot wawa”. At first she can’t stop laughing at you, but eventually she runs to that damn neighbor boy’s house and finds no one is home. Oh man, she has to go back to your house, and there’s no way your mom is letting her out of the house without asking why she’s carrying a big pan full of hot water. She runs off leaving you standing there,w ith your face stuck to a pole, hoping with all your heart your hot boyfriend doesn’t come over and find you like that, oh please god, please hurry.  After an eternity she returns, seeming more than a little excited about pouring that hot water down our face, and oh look, your mom came too. She tells you later how she tried to hurry but just couldn’t stop laughing, she said she even peed a little. What really matters though, is she did it, and then she of course, told everybody.

 

3) They keep all your secrets: You know some of your friends are the gossipy type, ones who can’t be trusted with gas prices let alone your deepest darkest secrets. Not your bestie though, you tell them everything and they keep it locked up tight, they would never let anything slip and it’s one of the reasons you love them so much. They never even told your parents about the patry you had when your other BFF ( slightly retarded but still a good girl) jumped on your dining room table and broke it, right in half. Thank god one of the boys had some knowledge of carpentry. That’s right, she never said a word, she just held her breath everytime there was a holiday and hoped to god the table didn’t collapse. 

 

4) They’re always ready to give you good advice: Your friend is the shiz. They never falter when it’s crunch time and you need advice. What should you do about your relationship? How do you hide your report card from your parents? Do they think you can juggle a few dozen guys without getting caught? They always have answers for you. When you and your other pal decide, one hot sunny summer afternoon, to have a water fight that somehow stretched into your house and completely trashed it, they will call you. And of course, being the friend you are, you are ready to give them helpful, well thought out advice, so they can still come over tomorrow. When they tell you about what they’ve done you have the perfect solution, tell your mom your house was broken into! Go around and trash stuff, hide things, and then call your mom and tell her that’s how you found the place! No one will be the wiser. She thinks you are a genius, as well she should. So when she does this, and then her mom calls the police subsequently resulting in her being totally busted and almost hauled off to the clinker, she never tells anyone you told her to do it, that’s what friends are for.

 

5) Honesty is key: This again is another big one on the list because it signifies the level of  connectedness of the relationship. A true friend will not keep information from you even though it’s something that you might not want to hear or that might hurt you, if they felt it was the right thing to do. They will tell you your boyfreind hit on them, they’ll tell you those pants make you r ass look huge, and that it’s because your ass actually is huge. They’ll even tell you when your obnoxious know it all self  has crossed the line byblogging about their personal shiz on your wanna be LTR site. And of course, you’ll respect them for that, and their trust in your friendship. Of course you understand, you’re their friend, but maybe, in the interest of honesty, you tell them that  if they weren’t so hilariously tragic you wouldn’t write about them. I mean come on, how can you pass up the opportunity to rag on their beanie baby collection, or the crack headed mess their husband is, or how they wear toe socks and flip flops? You tell them, with love of course, that the price of friendship is being blogged about sometimes, and they should keep a sense of humor about it. It’s not like you use their names or anything. Besides, you remember a certain little incident where they told one hot ex of yours about you sticking your tongue to a pole. We’ll just call it even.