Much like the rest of the world we saw New Moon… when it came out. Before you say it, yes, we did buy our tickets in advance, and yes we are really that nerdy. So, while we wait for the much anticipated sequel and the upcoming DVD release this weekend, we thought it best to blog about what we loved and hated about the movie. Of course this is purely informational. not like we expect our demands suggestions to be taken in to consideration or anything………
1) Why are all the laws set up to keep me from bangin Jacob Black?: We loved the book. In fact, New Moon was our definite favorite of the Twilight Saga. In it Bella finally starts coming into her own, she finally grows a personailty. Before New Moon, Bella kind of came off as a whiny insecure twit but here she is, all grown up, hangin with the big dogs( pun intended). More than that we get to know Jacob. When Tay Tay, that’s the nick name we gave him, he loves it, trust me, enters in this movie it is so perfectly …well…perfect. There he is, in all his hotness. Let;s just take a moment to sigh in unison over the boys’ abs shall we? Not only is he the perfect guy best frien that loves you and protects you no matter how screwed up you are( holla Luke!), he is brutally hot and wants to show you all his muscles, all of em. I;ll admit, I drooled, I grunted in appreciation of that first shirtless scene along with all the other women and gay men in the theater. Here’s the bad though….he is underage, in the book and in reality. WHY GOD WHY? Tay Tay is a mere 17 and I’m, well….. not. Why would the leaders of this country stop me from goin majorly cougar on his fine ass? I say it’s time to rewrite the laws. We’ll call it the Jacob Black act. It’s sole purpose will be to allow older women to get it and hit it in instances where the underage guy is sooo hot it makes your eyeballs burn just lookin at him. He is hot…like surface of the sun hot. All I need is the go ahead from local law enforcement and I’ll make that boy into a man…a dirty dirty man. Yeah, all that’s holding us back from being together is the law…yeah…that’s all
2) Bella, Bella, Bella, where do I begin?: New Moon is amazing, the story, the movie. It was fanfukkintastic( thanks to the absence of one Cathy Hardwicke, cougar extraordinaire). While I love that Bella finds a sense of self in this installment I also have to wonder what the eff she was doing surrounded by hot half naked man-wolves and not hittin that in a mixture of fantasy and illegal lovin come to life. Seriously? You have this ripped, sexy, sensitive, comp[letely in love with you guy hangin around you, complimenting you, and knowing you better than anyone on the planet because he listens, not because you had to tell him, and you spend your time doing death defying stunts cuz you miss the pale faces? LAME BITCH, LAME. Glad you got your self a personality, really glad that the makeup department in this flick was able to disguise your funknast moolay( that’s french for mullet), but really? You shoulda hit it. Yeah yeah, you love Edward, we all do. But Jacob? In some ways Jacob is more perfect than Edward ever could be and while you sit alone, screaming yourself to sleep at night, you could be bangin the hottest wolfman…ever. I know the pains of a broken heart but you know what they say..the best way to get over a guy is to get under a new one.
3) Don’t buy the hype: I get it, Edward is hot and perfect and beautiful, but, at the risk of sounding like I’m team Jacob ( I’m only team jacob if I can hit it) which we’re totes not, shut up already! Jacob is right on the heels of all that fiction perfection that Edward is. In this Jacob is, well he’s effin Jacob ok! He is smart and funny and protective and FUGGIN HOT and…..takin a break to swoon…talk amongst yourselves, I’ll give you a topic, a peanut is neither a pea nor a nut..discuss……. OK! We’re back, yeah , Jacob is everything the perfect guy should be, the only way he could get better is if he were a musician on top of everything else….oh right, enter Edward.
4) Um, WTF Is the deal with Dakota Fanning?: Look, I lovez me some twilight. I lovez me some Volturi too actually and I’m all about the evil Jane and her creepy twin. I love the whole concept that she can fuck shit up with her mind! It’s so very…well it’s so very carrie meets interview with the vampire so when I heard that she got the part, gap toothed, cute as a button, sean penn as a tardo’s daughter Dakota fuggin Fanning I waslike huh? I’m sorry , it’s a big no for me. I watched th emovie with an open mind, I really did, but every time I looked at her all I could see is the very cute littl girl who gave Joey advice on Friends or the Kid Tom Cruise carried around the set of war of the worlds like a life sized cabbage patch doll. It was muy disappointing folks. She is as believeable as evil as Mother Teresa would be playing Freddy. It’s like casting a muppet to play pinhead. Seriously casting people? Dakota Fanning? Was she the only actress in all of the universe available at the time? Well now you’re stuck with her……may I suggest next time using someone a little less disney and a little more, I dunno…not.
5) Bottom Line-get naked!: That’s right, I said that shit. I love the books, I LOVE ROB! I want to have his chest haired british children. Him and Taylor are all half naked throughout the movie, I want full frontal gentlemen! And not the creepy tuck version from little ashes either. Gimme some r rated grown ups only type goodness please or else I will have to photoshop your heads on to some of Levi Johnston’s Playgirl pics and trust me,noone wants that.