Posts Tagged ‘kimmie’

Our 5 best and 5 worst of 2009

Ahhh the New Year… so much to look forward to, so much to reflect on. You may look back and think about all the amazing things that happened this year, like your trip to Memphis, where a certain co-writer got drunk and passed out in the front seat of her car, only after laying down on the ground in a parking garage that is. Maybe you’re thinking about the kick ass blog you started that is a lil slice of happy everytime you think about it. You could be reflecting on your various sexual conquests or bragging to your friends about all the times you have been in Just Busted, whatever it is alot has happened this year and we are  ready to list our best and worst of 2009, reflect on this bitch!

THE BEST

1) I’m sorry… did you just say IN a dumpster?: In the beginning of this lil blog, before our co-writer Kimmie was co-writer, we would call her for suggestions and tips on things to write about. In one of our first ever 5 editions, we were listing the 5 sexiest men alive and we came upon Rob Pattinson ( that’s what she said). I was informing my pervy lil cohort about one of my fave sites, Letters to Rob, and how they had mentioned a lil something about blowing Rob behind a dumpster, a thought that I should have been grossed out by, but instead was jsut turned on over which is a whole other blog all together. In this lil convo Kimmie says to me, and I quote, ” Fuck behind a dumpster, I’d blow him IN a dumpster”, and a legend was born. If you’ve read our blog, like ever, you know that phrase has been repeated over and over again, it’s one of the single most depraved things I have ever heard and in that moment I was struck dumb. All I could think was HELLO REASON WE’RE FRIENDS! Only my girl could say something so foul and crass and it be received with open arms…..cuz I like that kind of stuff. It was something that set the tone for this blog, full on offensive, no holds barred, in your face, fuck you kind of stuff that has made it possible to write about anything with virtually no censorship. For that, and much more I love that chic, and it was defs worthy of our best list.

2) Dear crazies, I’m not sorry so suck it!: In this blog, especially given the nature of some of the shit we write, I have recieved some awesome hate mail. People write me lil messages that tell me about how offended they are because I talked about Jesus and golden showers or trash can oral sex. Well guess what my band-o- haters? YOU HAVE MADE IT EVEN BETTER! I love the emails where I get called names and told I need help. If you knew me you would understand that is pretty much a given. I love the hatemail the most because it means people are reading and giving what we say actual thought, enopugh thought to be pissed off and write me lil notes, so thanks again! You guys rock my cock!

3) Na na na na, na na na na, hey hey hey, goodbye!: Sweet relief people! In the later part of the year Oprah Winfrey decided to announce the end of her talk show after it being on air for what feels like an eternity. This is on the best list because…..FUCK OPRAH! I hate that big headed biznatch and always have. To me, Oprah is the epitome of everything wrong with the world. She has made billions, yes, with a B, by telling people what they should like, who they should be, how they should be. The whole time constantly changing and trying to be someone she isn’t. ” If you’re fat you can’t be happy”, ” If you read anything, this book should be it”, ” Obama is the only choice”, ugh, suck it ya poser. We don’t need you and your lesbian lover Gail telling us who and what to be and how to think. Here’s a thought, worry about you, deal with you, and don’t presume to know what the rest of the world needs. You don’t know and you are dumb, good riddance I say. Go crawl back under the Steadman Gail sandwich you love so much and drown your sorrows in some delicious and nutirtious crisco ya closet food junkie. Your time is gone, THANK GOD.

4) Grrr baby. Very GRRr: Tiger Tiger Tiger, you horny lil weirdo. Before all my women readers get all in a huff because I am about to betray our sex, just think about what I’m going to say. Trust me, I’m right. Tiger Woods is on the best list because I think his drama is the best example of celebrity obsession and double standards this year. I love a good celeb scandal like anybody else, don’t get me wrong , but come on people. Does it matter that much? No, it doesn’t. Men cheat ALL the time. Is it ok, no. But isn’t that between him and his wife to deal with? When people cheat the world acts like it’s the first time or some shit and it’s ridiculous. The man had to take a leave from his job, what the fuck for? So he’s a dirty cheater, how does that effect his golf game? It obviously doesn’t since he’s been one for years and played just fine. Get over it you fame obsessed psychos. The man needs to be left alone now, and , for that matter, they all do. Stop following celebs so much, they are rich and good looking, but in the end, they are just people, fucked up. flawed people. Just like the rest of us.

5)Save money on therapy, read my blog:This year the economy was big news. Lots of people were penny pinching and trying to save money where ever they could. Well of course we here at 5 decided it was our civic duty to help in whatever way we could so out came the advice 5’s. There were many lil winners, bad places to meet people, reasons you may need to change, annoying things you do so stop it. All efforts to help the loyal readers of our page and save em a buck. After all, who needs therapy when you can just read a blog and get the advice you need for the low price of self respect, or personal dignity free!We are all about helping others here at 5 so just keep reading and look out in 2010 for more helpful thought provoking editions, with your best interests in mind of course.

THE WORST

1) Holy hair plugs batman!:Let’s play a game, I’ll describe someone and you see if you can guess who it is. Okay, he’s got hairplugs, an Ed Hardy shirt on, and got more poon than Tiger Woods this year. That’s right! Jon Gosselin! God I hate this freak. He started off the year being the saddest lil scrap of a man, having Kate snatch a lil snippet of his soul on national tv a couple of times a week. Then out of nowhere, he grows a pair and leaves! At first I was on board, GO JON! Leave that mean backwards mullet nutcracker post haste and focus on the kids. Then he was banging every dirty scuzzy home wrecking 12 year old he could find and he became less endearing. Next thing you know he’s at the bars and clubs, blowin off daddy time in favor of goin on hoe patrol. Lame Jon, really lame. I hate this douche, even more I hate the fact that I even know who he is, so he cheated, whatevs. So he’s a selffish dick, ok, I can deal. But a layabout do nothing father…crossin the line pal. He’s famous for nothing more than the kids he is now royally screwing up and I’d like to take this time to announce my Jon Gosselin rehabilitation plea for 2010. I am pleading with you, loyal readers, to take an interest inhelping this man get more focused on family. If you see JOn Gosselin out without his kids, take a moment to approach him, and when you have his attention KICK HIM IN THE NUTS. Then while he lies on the ground holding his junk, asking you why, get real close to his ear and say, “You know why” then runaway. Trust me, with your help, we can reform this man into a good father and get rid of his slut hopping, fame whoring ways. Make a pledge now, junk punch Jon Gosselin in 2010.

2) This is it:  I know that many people thought of Micheal Jackson as a creepy pedo with a non-nose and blankets for kids. I’ll admit that I have said my fair share of unsavory MJ jokes about boys pants and Kmart, guilty. Once I got older and had kids of my own the overall hilarity of those jokes was..well, let’s just say less, so I stopped. Then one year, shortly after my son’s first birthday, we sat at home watching MTV while I cleaned the house. As it was quickly approaching Halloween, thriller was playing on an almost constant loop on the various music stations. My son had just started walking at the point where he didn’t collapse every three steps so he was out and walking around when the video came on, I came in from the kitchen to turn up the tv ( don’t judge! Thriller is a classic!) and there stood my baby, in his onesie, dancing. You know how infants dance, they bounce up and down on chubby little legs and smile as if they have just discovered music because, to them, they have. He danced and grinned through the whole video, laughing and clapping every now and then, and I stood there watching him and thinking how great this story would be when he was older, his first dance being to thriller. So when I heard that Micheal had died that was the first thing I thought of, then I remembered all the times in life I had memories that could play like a video over certain MJ songs, stuff I thought about every time I heard “remember the time” or “scream”. There have been many celeb deaths in my life and I’m sure many more will come, when I was a young teenager Curt Cobain died, I loved and still do love Nirvana and can remember being so sad about it, so personally hurt, but I didn’t cry. When MJ died, I cried. I still do sometimes when I hear a song of his or see footage about him or his poor kids. I felt the loss like it was my own, I grieved. I don’t know when the world will recover from it. Yes he was weird, yes he had a freaky nose and made his kids wear masks. If you had been torn apart by the media the way he was you may want to protect the identity of your kids too. MJ was strange and scary sometimes, misguided and eccentric. He was also the man who changed the world with music, many artists today cite him as their inspiration. I think it was a loss of genius, a loss of connection with the past, and for me, a loss of the man who made my baby dance.

3) You want to twitter my whuh?: 2009 was definitely the year of twitter. Every 5 minutes someone was making th etabloids for some dumb shit they said on twitter. I tried twitter, you may find the link on the blog right now, and one day it occured to me, THIS IS DUMB. Twitter is the most self indulgent douchey thing ever. Why do you think that people want to know you’re at the grocery store and just picked up milk?Trust me, no matter who you are,NO ONE CARES. I couldn’t care less about the little details of your life and if you’re reading this and thinking that twitter is awesome, you’re a moron. You inform people about everything that happens all day everyday and it’s a bit redonk. There should be some things that are private about life and Twitter just allows lonely assholes to spill their guts about anything in the hopes that someone will read it and give a shit. MOVE ON, try getting a friend, or a life.

4) Fishsticks: Kanye West, what more can I say? Actually…a lot more. He’s just walking around everyday like hmm, I wonder who I’ll try to offend or piss off today. After the hilarious, and almost prophetic episode of South Park Kanye said that he was going to take some time off and think about how people saw him……and then he shows up at the VMAS drunk and shits all over Taylor Swifts cherrios. If we didn’t before, we do now. That’s right, we all hate your stupid ass Kanye. You my friend are on the list because the way you behave in general is an afront to common decency and the Taylor thing just was a perfect example of why we all think you’re a stupid dick. Your attitude and unfounded self assurance was cool at first, we were all like, yeah his music is good. Then it just started getting old, no one appreciates a person who act slike that. Truth be told your music is not all that impressive, and so what if your mom died? Lots of people lose family everyday, that doesn’t give you the right to treat people like garbage, neither does talent, or lack thereof in your case.Try putting down the bottle, closing your Twitter, and figuring out what class is…class…..you know, the thing you don’t have.

5) 2009: Yupp, ending our list is 09 itself. It was full of douchey celebs, wars, and loss. In my opinion, lamespice all around. Sure there were some happy moments. it can’t rain all the time after all. I’m not gonna lie and say that I’m not damn glad it’s over though. I’m all about second chances, do overs and what not. It’s been kinda stank and I think that we all need to wipe the slate clean, apologize for screwing your around on your honey or losing your house to that nasty crack habbit and move forward. There are silver linings here people, George Bush is out of office and has been unable to fuck things up for a whole year, Robert Pattinson is bringing back the sexy homeless guy look, and minimum wage was raised so you can finally get that tooth replaced! 2010 is gonna be all about moving on from the ugliness of 09 and looking back to say HA! I made it out alive so eff you 09! You suck and that’s why you are gone now! Suck it 09, bring it on 2010, I’m ready and waiting so give it your best shot.

LOve you all and hope you had a sfae and amazing New Year, can’t wait to see what happens this year!

I went to Memphis for my Birthday and all I got was this stank ass Pillow

memphis pillow

As some of you, or none of you, know, I am from the sewage drain pipe home of the blues, Memphis TN. Most of my fam and friends still live there even though I have been gone for years. So this past weekend as we celebrated our 27th 19th birthday, some of our friends brought us home for the festivities. Here is the 5 edition of my birthday weekend in Mtown.

1) RedBird: You know how it is, you go out of town and you have to see people. Sometimes those people are ones who you would rather not spend your precious few moments on but whatevs, you do it. So while you and your cohorts are preparing for what will either be really pleasant or excruciatingly painful, your buddy decides you need a safe word. No, not the kind that those sicko dominatrix freaks use, but kinda the same concept. You laugh hysterically as you all throw out ideas, maybe steeple, with pointed fingers, here’s the church, here’s the steeple, open the door and run for your life. Or maybe something obtuse, like red bird. You wind up leaving without ever actually choosing one and when you find yourself at the house that boredom built you start to feel like you need a way out. Then, SAVIOR! You look over and see you homie with pointed steeple fingers, could he be as bored as you are? Who cares? Get it goin, so you utter those two words… RED BIRD. You look over to your bestie and start wildly, loudly, repeating those words hoping that she catches on and before you know it the entire room is staring at you wondering why the eff you keep screaming RED BIRD, FOR CHRIST SAKE, RED BIRD! While your bestie finally realizes what you are talking about, you have collapsed into hysterical fits of laughter, joined by your buddy. She finally snaps to and you all start gathering your shit and making excuses about having to pee, or shower, or be anywhere but here. Thank god for code words. And if you’re reading this and recall a certain group of people in your living room laughing and screaming RED BIRD, rest assured, I’m talking about someone else. No, really.

2) What happens on Beale stays on Beale, and the parking Garage, and the scary ass ride home: We knew we didn’t want to go to the world famous Beale street before we went to Memphis, but we did anyway. Damn persuasive friends. Our girl,and co writer Kimmie was gracious enough to inform us of a lil diddy called a “call a cab”, and sweet jesus, we should have. After the three of us, me, Kimmie, and our bestie dude friend, Luke, consumed around eleventy ten of those strong ass drinks it got hairy. We found ourselves standing outside, smoking cigarettes and laughing at all the weird looking people walkin by. Then, golden moments happened. The kind of hilarity that only ensues when one or more people are drunk and not just a little. While standing outside, partaking in sweet cancer, a latino man came and stood by us. A very large latino man. I said someone among us says ” He looks like a Latino Fat Albert”, as if that wasn’t enough…. it was followed by. HOLA HOLA HOLA, es Grande Alberto! OMG. Our buddy Luke swears that the rude comment made by someone who is definitely not me, was heard. The point is, would he have heard it if Kimmie and Luke weren’t doubled over and crying laughing? I think not. It’s all about discretion people. This is clearly all your fault.

3) Don’t make me get a screw driver: So Saturday was the big day. My birthday. We hung out, did some Red Bird type activities, and Saturday night, had quite the shindig at Kimmie’s humble abode. Lots of people came, but more importantly, lots of liquor came. Lots and lots and lots of liquor. Our girl Sarah W., who is apparently a light weight now, came and we were so excited, hadn’t seen her in like 6 years and it was awesome. As the night went on she got more and more drunk. Here is a pic of her and I together, she’s on the right and her face pretty much says it all013, and of course, despite my smile, I can promise you, all I’m thinking is, ” uh…. please don’t puke in my hair.” She shortly thereafter, locked herself in Kimmie’s bathroom for a new record of 3 hours! You get the drunkest girl there award! Every time we tried to convince her to open the door she would respond with, inna minute! After 3 hours, Luke threatened her with removing the door knob with a screw driver and suddenly she was motivated to let me in.  Then I found her, wasted and half asleep, on the toilet, Elvis style ( like the inadvertent Memphis reference?). After I helped her off to bed so she could sleep it off and we could all pee for god’s sake, we drank lots more and I am ashamed to say, I fell asleep on the couch watching Twilight. Don’t judge me.

4) Is it just me, or is the DD Drunk?: So we’re at my party, it’s good. We’re drunk, as we should be. But…ok, let’s back track for a moment. Have you ever been at a party and had someone invite their friends without really asking you if it was cool? It’s a big no no, don’t be a douche! Truth is you were probably only barely accepted anyway, don’t fuck it up by bringing random people no one but you knows, it’s lamespice.N_E_hoo, such a faux pas was made and one of Luke’s friends thought she should bring a friend to drive her home so that she could fully enjoy the bountiful boos available. Thing is, her DD was drunk on arrival. Not just a little drunk either, the kind that makes you introduce yourself to the same person 17 times in the span of like 5 minutes.  Yes, she was that girl. That drunk girl who doesn’t know where she is but knows it’s a good time. The girl who grabs your ass in the midst of someone taking your picture and when you turn around says ” Hey, I’m Heather.” For future reference, if you can’t remember the other 17 times you intro’d yourself, ass grabbing? Not cool.  And, this is just a suggestion, you might consider callin a cab, cuz your DD isn’t gonna get you home so much as get you dead.

5) Time to go home, where the shit are my pants?: The good time has come to an end. It’s Sunday morning and I have to get up, pack my crap and head out with Luke so that I can catch a hellhound Grey Hound bus back to the SC. My girl Sarah W. wakes up and the first thing she wants to know are where her pants are, she obviously doesn’t remember me taking them so I could wash em, chunks are so last year. I pack up, and we head out. I know I feel slightly, okay REALLY hung over, and am dreading the thought of an 8 hour bus ride back to my lil hometown. As we wait at Luke’s for the bus he finally gives me my gift. An old used, and kinda musky pillow for the ride home. AWWWW, so thoughtful. Now I can sleep on the bus, or not. People, don’t sleep on the bus. Seriously, don’t. There are all kinds of creepy weirdos waiting for a juicy morsel of normal to fuck with the second you pass out. It’s the thought that counts though right? I hugged him and said thank you, and offered to mail him his pillow back( it really smelled), but he said it was cool. Always lookin out for me. All in all, it was a really good time, lots of boos, laughs, and drunken girls acting accordingly. Love it.

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5 tips for writing a blog, the Kimmie edition

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In honor of our new author Kimmie, I thought I should give her af ew tips on blog writing. It is, after all, hard work. It’s not easy turning out these little extremely offensive, hilarious blogs. I hope this helps you when you think of the next 5 reasons.

 

1) Take all sense of decency, and throw it in the dumpster ( that’s what she said): It’s hard writing a blog. You have to come up with ideas about things people can relate to while trying to be mindful of certain moral boundaries. After a while it becomes harder to censor yourself. The solution? Don’t. There are no rules, we write what we want and hope that it makes people laugh, or cringe. either way it’s all good. If you have to mention dumpster lovin or going gay, so be it. You are free to be a disgusting freak, in fact, I like you better that way.

 

2)Don’t try to hard: If  writing this blog ever becomes anything more than fun, I’ll stop. You can’t try to hard. Good humor (or bad taste, whatever) should come naturally. If  it’s not coming to you, give it time. The obscene and offensive are always lurking in your mind somewhere, waiting to come out and make your mom ashamed. And if all else fails, call me, I never run out of ways to embarass my family.

 

3) Promote us shamelessly: I spend hours everyday going on sites and posting links to our blog. In fact, a certain Myspace rip off ( we’ll call it mace book) recently sent me an email telling me to stop posting links to our site or they would ban me. What did I do? I posted more links!!!  This blog, our baby, is more important than any lame ass site, you must post links!! It’s your job to tell everyone about our site and make  them read it. If they don’t, never underestimate the power of physical violence. That’s right, slap a bitch.  And if you find you’re being censored by some conservative social network, well just post a link to our page and make sure you add a little bit more filth in the next blog.

 

4)You must always keepz it real: We will find ourselves tackling many topics in this blog. Gay marriage, the effects too much Twilight can have on your life, or ways to slip a psycho. It’s important stuff. Our readers (love you!), have come to know a certain level of blunt ( or obnoxious) honesty. They look to us to tell them the real about things. When you are brainstorming you have to be sure that you stand by what we say. If you feel the need to comment on  how weed should be legal so that you can achieve your dream of smokin a blizzy with Barack Obama, do it. If you think that somone should come to defend Britney Spears, I mean who hasn’t shown their crotch to a photographer at least once, then do it. We won’t judge you.

 

5) Damn the man, save the empire :  The world is full of haters. I’ve had my share of angry messages, people who don’t appreciate the way I illustrate the helpfullness of lesbians by describing all the handy ways they can help you around the house ( find me a les who doesn’t know how to build a porch and I’ll give you a dollar), or who don’t like how I talked about blowin a guy behind a dumpster, in my defense, at least I didn’t say I would blow him in the dumpster.  It’s all about self expression here, damn them, if they don’t like it that’s fine. We don’t want tards as readers anyway, they drool all over everything and never really understand it anyway. Save the empire that is Aquired Taste. Sure we don’t make money from this, but it’s about the principle, when you have 7 loyal readers it’s a damn empire.

 

I know we have more than 7 readers and we love you all. I can’t say thank you enough for how much you visit and read our blog, We just hit 7,000 hits. I’m so excited to see what crazy shiz we will come up with next.

me and kim

What are those tards laughin at?