Some of our friends are recently single and some are terminally single. As we watch them from the man we’re chained to our happy marriage, we have noticed that they seem to be looking for love in all the wrong places.
No way are they going to hook up like that and if they do it will prolly result in a trip to a doctor resulting in cream of some sort. Because we are the loyal and loving friends that we are we decided to send them a lil list of what we consider to be the worst places to hook up so they can save themselves from heartache…… and syphilis.
1) Bars, making ugly people cute for a millenium: Look, we all know I keepz it real soo let’s try to not be offended when I say this: YOU ARE DUMB. Let’s face it, Mr. Right isn’t gonna be at Denim and Diamonds or what the shit ever hole in the wall bar you frequent. And if you’re looking for the girl of your dreams she’s prolly not gonna be at the dive bar gettin drunk and singin Garth Brooks along with the jukebox or riding a mechanical bull. If you are interested in anything longer than the time it takes to clear up the clap then you should probably try broadening your horizons a bit. I’m just saying, if you want love it probably isn’t going to include the girl who blew you in a dumpster.
2) We be clubbin: Or we be….ahh fuk it. The club is a dangerous place for single people. Doubt it? Okay, let’s examine the facts: There is dark lighting. The kind that prevents you from seeing how truly fug the person you’re talking to at the bar is. Before you know it you’re ankle deep in garbage with some horrendous hose beast tryin to get your pants off. Not good. They serve alcohol. Bad again, I can pretty much sum it up with 2 words here folks: beer goggles. You think you have Megan Foxx and you wind up with Kirstie Ally. Scary but true kids. Staying away from clubs is a must when searching for your soul mate. You never want to wake up with a hangover AND an uggo.
3) Online: Helping Psychos find victims for over a decade: This internet dating craze is just that… crazy. What the fuzz knuckle are you people thinking?Why would sharing details with a stranger sound good to you? Would you just walk up to some random person on the street and be like ” Hi, My name is Gina and I like long walks on the beach and classical music.” No, you wouldn’t. It would be stupid and dangerous. You wouldn’t want Joe Blow stalker freak off the street to have your number or know what you looked like. Why would you give that info to someone who you have never met? RE-DONK. Besides, everybody knows that it’s all fat trekkies anyway.
4) They tried to make me go to rehab and I said hey you’re hot: Why is it when junkies check into rehab they find love? Are you fucking serious right now? Rehab? Like you don’t have enough shit going on already. I mean you’re at the low point in your life, a junkie. Now you think that, what, God sent you there to find love? No sweetie, he didn’t. And sobriety isn’t a more the merrier kind of scenario. When have you ever heard someone say ” You know what would be awesome? Another junkie!” Stop using rehab as your personal dating service, it’s weird. More importantly it’s doomed and in the meantime who knows how many times the 2 of you will swap out BJ duty so you can buy rock before you decide to get sober again.
5) Church, nuff said: If you’re at church and you bring home that special someone, how do you do it? You can’t really be yourself can you? You can’t tell them that you have this fetish involving feet and puppets can you? These are god fearing people we’re talking about. Is it even appropriate to try and holla at somebody in church? You all know how the lord feels about fornication and dirty thoughts. What if he heard you and thought you were thinking those thoughts about the lord almighty God. How do you think Jesus would feel if he thought you wanted to finally try golden showers with him? Not good I’ll tell you.All I’m saying is eternal damnation is a long time to be sorry about trying to get some play.