Archive for June, 2009

5 ways to know you have a true bestie

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 I have the most loyal friends in the world. They are always there for me, they share their cheetos, even when they are soo stoned they can’t stop laughing at the carpet, and they have been around for so long that they love me unconditionally, even when I blog about their beanie babies collection, or their crack smokin husbands (sorry girls!). Here are 5 ways to know if your friend is a true BFF or just a stragler you can’t shake.

 

1) No mission is too great: Ahh the good old days, teenage years of smokin cigs behind your parents back and finding new and inventive ways to buy them. You are underage and all, but why should that stop you from stunting your growth and gettin you some much needed cancer? So, when your fake ID isn’t workin anymore and you need a smoke, your bestie will volunteer to break into her piggy bank. The cute pink one she’s had since birth, and help you get cash for smokes. Once you have violated the little piggy, you realize you still can’t actually purchase them, what to do? Of course your homie has the answer! Call the local take out taxi, they go whereever you want and buy your food then bring it to you, just include a pack of Marlboro’s in your order and in less than an hour voila! Cancer. She is such a genius, how could you ever forget it? Years from now, when you have a tube in your throat and have to write down your thoughts since you can’t speak anymore, she’ll be there, blowin you shotguns so you can get your fix.

 

2) They always have your back: I’m sure you’ve all seen it, that christmas movie where the kid sticks his tongue to a pole and it gets stuck. One day, you and your bestie are walikng around your apartments, it’s cold outside, night time in the dead of winter and there is frost on the ground. Of course you feel brave tonight, a certain rank smellin neighbor boy smoked the sweet gonja with you and you just know if you stuck your tongue to a pole that it wouldn’t  stick. It would be hilarious, and you would earn major cool points for bravery. So you do it, and it gets stuck. You are panicking and with much effort, you tell her to ” guh geh some hot wawa”. At first she can’t stop laughing at you, but eventually she runs to that damn neighbor boy’s house and finds no one is home. Oh man, she has to go back to your house, and there’s no way your mom is letting her out of the house without asking why she’s carrying a big pan full of hot water. She runs off leaving you standing there,w ith your face stuck to a pole, hoping with all your heart your hot boyfriend doesn’t come over and find you like that, oh please god, please hurry.  After an eternity she returns, seeming more than a little excited about pouring that hot water down our face, and oh look, your mom came too. She tells you later how she tried to hurry but just couldn’t stop laughing, she said she even peed a little. What really matters though, is she did it, and then she of course, told everybody.

 

3) They keep all your secrets: You know some of your friends are the gossipy type, ones who can’t be trusted with gas prices let alone your deepest darkest secrets. Not your bestie though, you tell them everything and they keep it locked up tight, they would never let anything slip and it’s one of the reasons you love them so much. They never even told your parents about the patry you had when your other BFF ( slightly retarded but still a good girl) jumped on your dining room table and broke it, right in half. Thank god one of the boys had some knowledge of carpentry. That’s right, she never said a word, she just held her breath everytime there was a holiday and hoped to god the table didn’t collapse. 

 

4) They’re always ready to give you good advice: Your friend is the shiz. They never falter when it’s crunch time and you need advice. What should you do about your relationship? How do you hide your report card from your parents? Do they think you can juggle a few dozen guys without getting caught? They always have answers for you. When you and your other pal decide, one hot sunny summer afternoon, to have a water fight that somehow stretched into your house and completely trashed it, they will call you. And of course, being the friend you are, you are ready to give them helpful, well thought out advice, so they can still come over tomorrow. When they tell you about what they’ve done you have the perfect solution, tell your mom your house was broken into! Go around and trash stuff, hide things, and then call your mom and tell her that’s how you found the place! No one will be the wiser. She thinks you are a genius, as well she should. So when she does this, and then her mom calls the police subsequently resulting in her being totally busted and almost hauled off to the clinker, she never tells anyone you told her to do it, that’s what friends are for.

 

5) Honesty is key: This again is another big one on the list because it signifies the level of  connectedness of the relationship. A true friend will not keep information from you even though it’s something that you might not want to hear or that might hurt you, if they felt it was the right thing to do. They will tell you your boyfreind hit on them, they’ll tell you those pants make you r ass look huge, and that it’s because your ass actually is huge. They’ll even tell you when your obnoxious know it all self  has crossed the line byblogging about their personal shiz on your wanna be LTR site. And of course, you’ll respect them for that, and their trust in your friendship. Of course you understand, you’re their friend, but maybe, in the interest of honesty, you tell them that  if they weren’t so hilariously tragic you wouldn’t write about them. I mean come on, how can you pass up the opportunity to rag on their beanie baby collection, or the crack headed mess their husband is, or how they wear toe socks and flip flops? You tell them, with love of course, that the price of friendship is being blogged about sometimes, and they should keep a sense of humor about it. It’s not like you use their names or anything. Besides, you remember a certain little incident where they told one hot ex of yours about you sticking your tongue to a pole. We’ll just call it even.

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Don’t worry, there’s more

I am sure you’re all dying for more 5 out there. I threw my back out (that’s what she said) recently and today is the first day I have been able to sot at a computer desk without cringing. I promise I will post again soon, maybe today, maybe not. See you guys soon. Come back to find out 5 ways to know your friend is true bff.

 

                  Izzy and Kimmie

5 tips for writing a blog, the Kimmie edition

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In honor of our new author Kimmie, I thought I should give her af ew tips on blog writing. It is, after all, hard work. It’s not easy turning out these little extremely offensive, hilarious blogs. I hope this helps you when you think of the next 5 reasons.

 

1) Take all sense of decency, and throw it in the dumpster ( that’s what she said): It’s hard writing a blog. You have to come up with ideas about things people can relate to while trying to be mindful of certain moral boundaries. After a while it becomes harder to censor yourself. The solution? Don’t. There are no rules, we write what we want and hope that it makes people laugh, or cringe. either way it’s all good. If you have to mention dumpster lovin or going gay, so be it. You are free to be a disgusting freak, in fact, I like you better that way.

 

2)Don’t try to hard: If  writing this blog ever becomes anything more than fun, I’ll stop. You can’t try to hard. Good humor (or bad taste, whatever) should come naturally. If  it’s not coming to you, give it time. The obscene and offensive are always lurking in your mind somewhere, waiting to come out and make your mom ashamed. And if all else fails, call me, I never run out of ways to embarass my family.

 

3) Promote us shamelessly: I spend hours everyday going on sites and posting links to our blog. In fact, a certain Myspace rip off ( we’ll call it mace book) recently sent me an email telling me to stop posting links to our site or they would ban me. What did I do? I posted more links!!!  This blog, our baby, is more important than any lame ass site, you must post links!! It’s your job to tell everyone about our site and make  them read it. If they don’t, never underestimate the power of physical violence. That’s right, slap a bitch.  And if you find you’re being censored by some conservative social network, well just post a link to our page and make sure you add a little bit more filth in the next blog.

 

4)You must always keepz it real: We will find ourselves tackling many topics in this blog. Gay marriage, the effects too much Twilight can have on your life, or ways to slip a psycho. It’s important stuff. Our readers (love you!), have come to know a certain level of blunt ( or obnoxious) honesty. They look to us to tell them the real about things. When you are brainstorming you have to be sure that you stand by what we say. If you feel the need to comment on  how weed should be legal so that you can achieve your dream of smokin a blizzy with Barack Obama, do it. If you think that somone should come to defend Britney Spears, I mean who hasn’t shown their crotch to a photographer at least once, then do it. We won’t judge you.

 

5) Damn the man, save the empire :  The world is full of haters. I’ve had my share of angry messages, people who don’t appreciate the way I illustrate the helpfullness of lesbians by describing all the handy ways they can help you around the house ( find me a les who doesn’t know how to build a porch and I’ll give you a dollar), or who don’t like how I talked about blowin a guy behind a dumpster, in my defense, at least I didn’t say I would blow him in the dumpster.  It’s all about self expression here, damn them, if they don’t like it that’s fine. We don’t want tards as readers anyway, they drool all over everything and never really understand it anyway. Save the empire that is Aquired Taste. Sure we don’t make money from this, but it’s about the principle, when you have 7 loyal readers it’s a damn empire.

 

I know we have more than 7 readers and we love you all. I can’t say thank you enough for how much you visit and read our blog, We just hit 7,000 hits. I’m so excited to see what crazy shiz we will come up with next.

me and kim

What are those tards laughin at?

5 ways to scare off an annoying admirer

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We’ve all had one, a guy/girl who just doesn’t get it. You’re not into them, After you use the classics, “It’s not you , it’s me” or “We’re better off as friends” they are still hangin around, calling you and leaving obnoxious voicemails on your phone where they talk like a baby and tell you how much they “wuv” you. Here are some sure fire ways to get the point across, by any means neccessary.

 

 

1) Scratch your  junk… alot: You may have made a mistake taking this girl out again, she has after all been calling you non-stop for the last week. Even after many attempts to tell her you just don’t want to see her again, ever, and that her particular brand of crazy is just not appealing to you, you’ve run out of options. Do I have an answer for you? Of course I do. SCRATCH YOUR JUNK! Take her to a nice restaurant, maybe with a few of her friends, and then scratch for all your might. Every few minutes reach down and give your stuff a real good itchin. Maybe throw in a comment about how that cream does not work like your doctor said it would. At the end of the meal, just to seal the deal, go to shake hands with her friends and stop mid shake to scratch those pesky crabs that will not stop biting you. I guarantee she will never call you again.

 

 

2) Fart constantly: No-one enjoys a gassy companion. If your unwanted honey won’t back off, fart for all your worth! Wave it in thier faces, laugh about it in public. When you’re in the car together lock the windows so there is no escape. And eat LOTS of beans. Meet the parents and blow the roof off the joint with your funny little surprises. Women hate being embarassed and men hate girls who fart. These are known facts people. No get out there and stink it up!!

 

3)Talk in an English accent: There is nothing sexier than a foreign accent. It’s a sure fire way to up your hotness, but what if you’re trying to become less appealing in hopes of pushing away some scary stalker type?  Accents work both ways!! Start off slowly, slipping in some random English phrases, like pip pip cheerio maybe. Just suggestions folks, it’s what I do. Then start using your new found British accent more frequently, on the phone, on dates, whenever the mood strikes. When you psycho sweetie finaly asks what in the flying fuck you’re doing, DENY DENY DENY. You have no idea what they are talking about, accent? What accent? Maybe suggest they not have that other cocktail they just ordered. Eventually, people will start to believe one of two things, You are bat shit crazy, or being with you is making them bat shit crazy,. Either way, they’ll be running for the hills.

 

4) Call them by your ex’s name: I’m sure at some point you may have slipped up and called someone the wrong name. It happens to the best of us. Have you ever considered doing it on purpose? Try calling that drunken night gone bad by your exes name, then say ” I’m sorry , that’s my exes name.” Continue on your convo and keep doing it!! If they bring it to your attention apologize, but don’t stop. After a while they may start to think you’re not over that ex, or they may just think you’re an asshole. But what do you care? If they’re gone, that’s all that counts right? Then all you have to worry about is why it burns when you  pee.

 

5) Go gay, really gay: We women love gay men, they make the best friends, all the good stuff about guys and girls rolled up into one sassy package. And they never try to hit on you. It’s great. However, you wouldn’t want your man to be gay. In fact, most women have a secret fear that maybe their man is a lil too sweet. I’m sure you’ve found yourself staring at your honey after he told your your shoes didn’t match your bag and questioning, even for just a second, how much he really liked women. So this time, you have to gay it up fellas. Start snapping your fingers and saying “girlfriend!” whenever you can. When she takes you to see Twilight for the thousandth time, tell her you totally get why she thinks Rob is sooo hot. You may even say ” I’d let you blow him in a dumpster, but only if I could watch.” See how that suits her, she will be questioning your manhood in no time. Women have enough to worry about with other girls trying to bone their sweeties, having to worry about competition from men is not something we want. If she questions you about your behavior, simply respond, ” Everybody experiments in college, I just liked it more”  She’ll be gone and you’ll be free to go chasin honeys with your boys. Just be wary, you may have your very own fag hag afterward.

 

A big welcome to our new co-author Kimmie !! Welcome to the nut house girl. Also, we would like to say that we never intend to offend people so try and be openminded. If we do offend you, TOO BAD. We reserve the right to say whatever the hell we want and if you’re squeamish I suggest you brace yourself or stop reading.  This humble little blog is just for shits and giggles.

5 Reasons your friend may be a dork.

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You know you love your friends, they are incredible people who always support you and have your back. But……., maybe you are not so sure about that friends’ cool points. Maybe they are a smidge too obsessed with Star Trek, or they own season one of Hannah Montana on dvd. Or maybe they know all the words to the Full House theme song and sing it when they are out in public, have mercy. Here are 5 reasons that your friend, however awesome they may be, is also a raging dork. 

 

1) They are way to into their pets: You know who you are, you love your pets, as you should, but maybe it’s a lil too much. Your pal is a great listener, but sometimes when you call them to vent you find yourself listeneing to them babytalk to their dog with you on the phone. You hear your BFF say things like “Who’s my baby?” or “Him so precious!!”. You know that it is more than a little wierd, that it’s a lil strange your buddy talks to their pets like that but when they learn that their female dog is preggers and starts referring to the puppies as their “grandpuppies” it’s all gone too far. It’s okay, yeah, your friend is a total spaz but at least you know where you can get a pet sitter for those unexpected trips to Vegas right?

 

2) Your BFF is entirely too caught up in the newest hot guy celeb: Our bestie is  amazing!! She’s smart, funny and a total laugh riot but it all seems to fade away into screaming fangirl territory when the he makes an appearnce on tv, or radio, or god help us, the internet. Of course you see the hotness, you totally get it and find yourself staring briefly and thinking about him in a hot nudie position, but then you move on, knowing it is, in fact, never going to happen. Your gal pal however, is not so easily swayed. She thinks about him, puts his pic up on her bedroom wall, she even went to hot topic and bought his mini action figure. You start to wonder what the deal is, maybe this is a problem, then you find the blog, the hugely popular blog that is dedicated to him. In one instance, she even talks about her deepest fantasy, blowing him behind a dumpster. Oh my. It’s gone too far but you are not gonna try to dissuade her, it’s obviously real for her. Well look at it this way, she is about a mili second away from full blown stalker status, you know the really scary ones that save snotty tissues and stuff?  Yeah, well when that happens, lucky you, you will be the one the news talks to to question if you ever saw this coming, and maybe as a thank you, he’ll  let you blow him behind a dumpster,  hang out with him.

 

3) Your fave friend loves Buffy: It’s only natural to attach to your fave shows, we all have them, Lost, Heroes, the list goes on. But when your bestie is obsessed with something less than normal, it’s, well…… unsettling.Let’s start with the female equivalent of Star Trek, Buffy. You know who you are, you have all 7 seasons on dvd. You have the comics, and when you feel a little bummed with your life, you pop in the musical episode to cheer you up. Your friend is the epitome of dork, you can’t deny it any longer. Let’s face it, Buffy was funny at times, but to be your fave? They even quote the show and have a welcome to Sunnydale doormat outside their front door. You love Sarah Michelle as much as the next but damn man, who spends their money on this stuff? You knew it was a lost cause when they stayed in bed for 3 days after they heard that the new Buffy movie wasn’t gonna be based off the existing show. How sad! Help your friend out!~ Don’t abandon them now, in their hour of need. Maybe to help distract them, you show them an episode of  other  vampire shows, maybe a little Tru Blood for that ass. Anything to keep from hearing the soundtrack to the musical in their car again.

 

4) They have a collection of beanie babies…. in the collector boxes: We all remember the TY Beanie Babies craze that swept the nation for 10 minutes in the 90’s. They were supposed to be highly collectible, rare ones selling for thousands online. And then……. not so much. Yeah the were cute, and you have to admit you did get the teenie beanie babies from mcdonald’s in the hopes of selling them for cash, but that was a long time ago. You know they are worthless now so you gave em up to the kiddies ages ago. Then, one day, you have writer’s block, only 2 out of 5 reasons for your  humble lil blog! You call your home slice (we’ll call her mimmie) and when you begin brainstorming, she reveals this  gem to you. She has a collection of these cutesy pieces of nothin, in their boxes, on a shelf for display. Oh sweet lord!! How could we not have known? Of course she does. She goes so far as to tell you that she refuses to let her daughter play with them, they might be worth something one day. You laugh and laugh, she then tells you to shut up, you, after all, wear toe socks and flip flops. Hello, Pot? This is Kettle, you’re black.

 

5)Your pal uses text message abreviations in their everyday speech: We all have one, a friend who latches on to the newest fad or trend and wears it out til you hate whoever came up with it with the white hot intensity of a thousand suns. You know, the one who rushed out and paid 600 dollars for a dvd player when they first came out, or payed 900 bucks for the first camera phone intoduced. Now, as time has moved on, and credit card bill sare piling up, they lean more towards trends like texting, ones that are not that expensive. So now that they hear people talking in text codes, of course they have to. They reply OMG!! every time you say anything the least bit shocking. When they are upset by something that has happened to them, they say WTF? You start to wonder why on earth they can’t be bothered to speak those 3 words, it’s not like there’s a word limit in life. It becomes habitual and after an hour straight conversation about the dream you had last night where you and that one hot greasy headed guy from that movie meet,fall in love, and do the nasty in the dumpster this time, they reply LMAO. It’s got to stop somewhere and you find yourself telling them that lazy ass people should take the time to say the damn words instead of abbreviating everything like a damn tard. You don’t bother telling them how your frustartion stems from having no idea what those little abbreviations actually mean.

 

We here at 5 reasons sometimes have to consult our fab friends for inspiration for our blog. I need to send love and thank you’s to LTR for the fab dumpster reference, Mimmie for cracking me up when she said, ” I’d blow him in a dumpster, fuck it!” I have never laughed so hard in my life, and Ouija for letting me hang on to all those Buffy dvds, yeah that one is me. And in case you weren’t sure, the dumpster man in question is one Rob Pattinson. HOT!

I’m working on it

Alot of people have been after me to post a new 5 reasons. I know it’s been a  while but these things take time so be patient, I’m working on it. I promise it will be up by the end of the week.

5 Best Stoner Movies……. EVER!!

5-1u73177dy7nhIn honor of all my stoner friends, ex-smokers, and KStew ( I know you love the herbage girl), I have decided to list what I think are the best stoner movies of all time. I know, a sober person has no right, I too have smoked the green and leafy before ( I didn’t inhale! LOL) but I have since changed my ways. I like to spend quality time with my brain cells but as I said, this is for you guys, I love ya all and for the love of god, buy your own damn cheetos!

 

1) Pineapple Express: James Franco and SEth Rogen star in this half stoner flick half action movie. This is borderline retardation on film, which is why it’s funny. Seth sees a murder, James sells him weed so good “it’s almost a shame to smoke it….. it’s like killing a unicorn.” It’s full of slapstick comedy, raunchy humor and gaggles (yes gaggles, don’t be a dick) of weed. They smoke in the woods, have a light sabre fight in said woods, and find an underground pot garden……. wait, how did they get their hands on my dream journal?

 

t01009sopuq2) Half  Baked: Enough said. It’s fuggin half baked people, it’s the epitome of stoner movies. It’s a classic. It’s, well about weed. You have star appearances by a huge number of talent, which let’s be honest, may be in short order otherwise. I mean Jim Breur? I love a good gaot boy ref like anyone else but the talent pool is a smidge shallow, it’s pretty much this and half man half goats. Anyway, the movie has it all, even Jerry Garcia’s ashes. My suggestion? hit the bong and watch it every 420.

 

 

t78189ifvwg3) Grandma’s Boy:  If you think that Grandma’s Boy is the story of a mild-mannered guy who still idolizes his gramma, think again. Starring Allen Covert, who typically appears in  Adam Sandler’s flicks, this Grandma’s Boy shows he can carry a stoner flick just by being the loveable loser.  Grandma’s Boy stars Covert as Alex, a 35-year-old video game tester who loves to smoke pot with his roommate Josh. Only Josh spends all the rent money on hookers and the pair get tossed out of their place. Alex goes to live with grandma and her two friends. And, well, it’s totally dumb and immature. But so funny. He spends his free time creating his own video- game and it gets stolen by his douche bag boss ( i wonder how much clothes cost in the matrix). Stoner hi-jinks ensue and before you know it someone utters one of my favorite movie lines “I’m way too baked to drive to the Devil’s house.” Watch and try not to pee yourself.

 

D551074) Cheech and Chong’s Up in Smoke:  They are the godfathers of weed.  They prove just that by taking their comedy routine to the big screen in their first full-length movie. With so many Cheech and Chong stoner flicks to choose from, we went with the original and probably the best of the series, Up in Smoke, if only for having the biggest joint in film history. For your viewing enjoyment, check out my favorite part of the movie, where Cheech declares “I can smoke anything” when he tells Chong about his special blend made with Labrador (part marijuana, part dog shiz ’cause his dog ate his stash). It’s a cinematic gem, damn those stingy Oscar people!!

 

5)super-high-me Super High Me:  Super High Me takes Morgan Spurlock’s concept of eating McDonald’s for 30 days straight and replaces it with pot. Comedian Doug Benson tackles this task head-on, firstnot smoking  pot for 30 days before  smoking it for 30 days. What he does in the process is continue doing his stand up, which I have to say was way more funny than before, and goes through tests to see how it effects him physically and mentally.   He experiences weight gain and decreased lung capacity, but his intelligence scores and sperm count go up ( score one for the smokers!!!).  All in all, a good time, he’s a funny guy,and if you look closely you might see other familiar faces in the background tokin it up with him. I loved it, watch it in your weed leaf bikini or wearing your rine stone encrusted pot leaf  belt buckle!

 

 

Wow, that went up faster than I thought it would, I feel a little contact just from writing it. I think I’ll go now, eat some Doritos, drink a luke warm Mt.Dew and go to sleep in my jeans.