As with all holidays, there are just some things that suck and some things that rock out loud. Maybe you can’t stand drunk Uncle Carl hitting on your wife and shortly after passing out in the gravy boat your nana gave you. Maybe you would deal with Uncle Carl every damn day of the week for your mom’s dressing. While we LOVE the holidays and feeding people( no seriously. It’s what we do), we thought it all too fitting to post our first ever Thanksgiving blog about why this holiday may make you wish you choked on the wishbone.
1) Um, is Uncle Carl naked…again?: Every holiday people gather and spend time with their family, it’s what makes holiday’s so special. Except that you can’t stand 90% of your family and they are nothing but a source of embarrassment or disappointment. You think that your family more resembles the Hitlers than the Brady’s and the fact that you HAVE to tolerate them for this holiday is a cruel joke. Your sister’s hate each other, your mom and her new hubby are there and so is your dad and his new wife or as your mom calls her ” little miss new boobs”. This isn’t a family gathering, this is a bunch of people who hate each other sitting in the same room for the sake of tradition. It’s always a blood bath and you know it’s only moments before they all start tearing each other apart. To make matters worse Uncle Carl is slowly disrobing, first the shoes, then the belt, the sweater…and if he keeps hittin the ” social beer every once in a while” like he LOVES to do, he’ll be naked stradling rudolph in the front yard again. Ahh…there’s no place like home for the holidays.
2)Um….please get your shoes off my face: Black Friday.What a horrible day! “Are you going shopping on BLACK FRIDAY?” If Black Friday is two days before Christmas, then yes. People go nuts over Black Friday. The turkey hasn’t even digested yet, and Christmas psycho-paths are in their cars, bleary-eyed, “Silver Bells” blasting on the radio. Nothing like beating back violent parents at a Wal-Mart for a plush dinosaur to ring in the holiday spirit. What’s worse is these people who are out are probably out to save money, to get the most out of their money, to make the holidays as amazing as possible for their family. I only have one question, When Timmy wakes up on xmas morning and mom tells him Daddy can’t be here cuz he beat an old lady in a a hover round to death with a ceramic santa for the last Bakugan, will he feel the spirit?
3) Hosting…a synonym for fucked from the jump: Joy of joys! Last year at the travesty now being referred to as “turkey gate” you were elected to host this year’s festivities. You pushed the thought out of your mind until around Oct.31st when your aunt Nellie reminded you that she would be expected lactose free ice cream at the dinner. As you ask yourself WTF lactose free ice cream is it dawns on you, you’re the host. They are all coming to YOUR house. Before you know it you’re in the full swing of things, buying groceries, getting lists of food allergies for all your relatives from your mom, and then the reality sets in. You start to really think about who is coming to dinner. You start hiding all your jewelry so your clepto cousin Carrie doesn’t make off with it. You put a lock on pay per view so your “drunkle” won’t run up your cable bill like he did 3 years ago at Nanna’s house. You finally wind up renting a storage unit and hauling all of your stuff over there for safe keeping until the crazies vacate your house. When they all show up and there is nothing but bare floors and a table it dawns on you that you are a genius! They all start fussing over your lack of..ell, everything. You know when xmas comes you will be raking it in and they will NEVER ask you to host again. Thank god! You mistakenly packed your clap cream in the storage unit and your no no place has been itching and burning for 3 days. Another holiday at your house and your hoo ha might well just fall off.
4) Guilt, Guilt, Guilt: Don’t get me wrong. I’m seriously pro-gratitude. Done right, it hooks you up with powerful happy drugs easing their warm soothing glow through your veins.As far as goofy natural highs go, gratitude is second only to being in love.But when you’re told you should be feeling grateful, it drains out 99% of the fun. Force-fed gratitude is the worst.Worse than having to warn your lovely hosts that you are sugar-free and vegetarian (Note to self: bake a loaf of juice-based bread to bring, and plan to wax poetic about the salad).“I should be more grateful, things aren’t that bad, I don’t deserve to be dissatisfied … what’s wrong with me?”Worse, this pressure to be in a state of gratitude (and the guilt over not being there yet) is only exacerbated by the slew of well-meaning family and friends telling you to Think Positive, Delete Negative Words from your Vocabulary, and offering various other annoyingly know-it-all bits of advice.The good kind of gratitude is the kind that shows up on its own. Out of nowhere you are struck by a glorious sense of remembering.You suddenly remember how cool it is to be alive, how fortunate you are to be living this life of yours, how beautiful it is to be on your crazy, unique, surprising path. Maybe you even recall that you actually can’t stand the word “path”( ewwwwwww), and yet here you are using it anyway. The guilt about eating all that food and having to spend everyday until New Year’s at the gym to make up for it is enough. You come to gratitude on your own, you realize that despite all the holiday fueled guilt, things are going pretty well this year. Your crazy ex finally stopped sending you dead squirrels via fed ex, your drunkle has managed to keep his pants on…wait, scratch that, and at the end of the day you do love your family. Especially this one…now where is that jewelry box?
5)Thanksgiving… another pushy holiday: People expect too much on thanksgiving. They think you should be reflecting about your year, thinking about all the good you’ve been blessed with. You are expected to be happy and feel the spirit of the holidays. Well… bah humfuck! I will think about the way my year was, say oh.. I don’t know….THE END OF IT! So things may have been good til now, what if I wreck my car or lose a toe to frost bite? That’s pretty much gonna cancel out the happiness I felt from getting a raise in January. The holidays stress most people out, trying to figure out how the eff you’re going to pay for all those gifts, I mean jesus, try birth control for god’s sake, you have more nieces and nephews than a mormon! It’s all stress fille and unnerving. To top it off you have to venture out into Black Friday just to save a few dollars and risk being trampled to death over a tickle me Elmo. Thankful? No, try hopeful. Hopeful that this year is over soon and the next one brings hookers and lotto winnings, then..and only then..will I be grateful.
Happy Thanksgiving everybody! I love the holidays and hope everybody has a great time! Please excuse our surly demeanor, we, love all holidays and winter is my absolute favorite time of year. Be safe and keep coming back!