5 reasons New Moon is bad for you

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By now most of you have seen my Twilight post on why I think that the addictive book is bad for you. Of course with the impending release of the New Moon movie and the growing love of all things Twilight related we had no choice but to do a New Moon edition. You see this installment is just as bad for you, if not worse than, its predecessor. Here are the 5 reasons we think New Moon could change your world in an unhappy kind of way.

 

 

1) Enter Jacob Black: Just when you thought that Twilight would ruin you for all men and that no-one could ever be as perfect as Edward, here comes Jacob. He is just as hot, if not more depending on your type. He’s smart, he’s sweet, and he’s all supernatural giving him the sexy/ scary edge we all know and love. You can’t help yourself from wanting to buy ugly wolf t-shirts and dream catchers. You may even consider joining an Indian tribe just to see if you can find your own wolfy counterpart. Edward is amazing, making you want your man to sparkle and always say the right things. Jacob makes you want your man to sprout fur and fix cars like a real man should. He’s just as bad for your love life as Edward and even worse, you want to betray your dumpster fantasies in favor of a more plausible fantasy. Something involving a dirty shack garage and motor oil comes to mind. Damn it. If you weren’t before you definitely are now. That’s right, you’re ruined for all men and you don’t even care.

 

 

2) Your friends are seriously lacking: New moon is filled with more tried and true friends than any one stupid clumsy way luckier than you girl should ever have. Jacob is all beautiful and funny and knows how to fix motorcycles which he does willingly. Not to mention that he helps cover up all your highly dangerous and illadvised extra curricular activities without ever stopping to think twice. He protects you frm all the evil doer types and he’s pretty nice to look at. Then Alice shows up all concerned and giving you great fashion advice and you realize that your friends suck. BAD. Your best guy friend calls you to change hisflat tires and he totally would rat you out for being dumb. He’s always saying things like better safe than sorry and before you thought the protective thing was cute, now all you want him to do is take you cliff diving and STFU. Your best girl friends are no where near as fashionable as Alice, in fact you can recall a horrific pair of bright yellow shorts and teal green corduroy bell bottoms that they once wore and it makes you want to vomit. Alot. New Moon will make you realize that your friends are just whiny fashion victims with no super powers and nothing even remotely interesting to contribute. Who needs friends anyway? You’ve got your lil Edward action figure and 3 copies each of the Twilight Saga. What more could you need?

 

3) You got a death wish?: After you’ve finished your now worn out copy of the second Twilight book you are left wanting more. You remind yourself of all the best parts and then it hits you: you want to hear voices, you want to die. Okay, maybe not die but attempt it in hopes of having some hot vamp voice warn you against it. You want to be saved too, you know, by the hot Indianguy in the book. You figure if you start doing things like dirt bike riding and jumping off cliffs you just might get lucky and have you r very own twilight inspired supernatural event. And hey, if all else fails, you heard that people with severe head injuries hallucinate. This is what we call a win win situation.

 

4) Travel is expensive: You and your bestie are counting down the days until the movie release of New Moon. Even though you live hundreds of miles apart the two of you have decided on the blessed day (november 20th, yeah i know that, what? don’t judge me) you are going to meet up at the half way point and watch the movie together for the first time. You start to save money any way that you can so you can squeal like crazed fan girls at the movie. You even consider selling your lil Edward action figure and all your Twilight tshirts on ebay to make some quick cash. You remember the last time you had to sacrifice for this book, reading New Moon by candlelight after spending all your light bill money on the book and lil E. Well that’s what love is, sacrifice. After much consideration you have come up with a brilliant plan for making money. You are going to spray your husband down with Halloween body glitter and whore him out as Edward Cullen, prostitute. The truth is you couldn’t care less who he sleeps with, it’s all too clear that he’s no Edward or Jacob so why bother?  All you care about is seeing this movie with your most loyal BFF and if you can get him to stop hounding you f or poon in the process bonus! And what’s better is when you get back from what you are referring to as the ” Holy Journey” you’ll have that much needed excuse to kick him out and make room for the hot twi- hard guy you met at the premiere.

 

 

5) New Moon raises your standards: It’s true, you are really looking at things differently now. You’ve come to some harsh realizations as a result of reading these books and you know that it’s time to make some changes. You need a man who can sparkle in the sun or who has wolfie speed and hunting skills. A hot friend with  benefits or a sexy mysterious classmate with golden eyes. The bad here is that those things don’t exist and no matter how many times your honey wears those plastic vampire fangs in the bedroom it’s just not good enough. Your friends have tried to tell you that what you want isn’t realistic but you don’t care. You will have your super sweetie if it’s the last thing you do.  You ignore everything they say. You don’t care that sparkly men are gay or that overly hairy men are just repulsive. The bar has been raised, there’s no turning back now.

13 Comments »

  1. twilog Said:

    I agree! New Moon is I think so good for the series, but so hard for me to read because I get SO emotional when Edward leaves! I’m definitely bringing tissues to the midnight showing!

  2. Robjunkie Said:

    I. AM. DIED.

    I read your funny comments posted over on LTR and I’m so glad that I found your blog (yay! more of the funny).

    So now I’m gonna cyberstalk you. get used to it.

    • aquiredtaste Said:

      stalk away!!! love the comments, tell your friends!!!

  3. Amy Said:

    I LOVED this post!

    “You can’t help yourself from wanting to buy ugly wolf t-shirts and dream catchers.”

    I loved Jacob to the max in New Moon! You captured my emotions well.😉

    “You are going to spray your husband down with Halloween body glitter and whore him out as Edward Cullen, prostitute.”

    LOL!

    Great post!

    • Amy Said:

      Whoops wrong blog URL. Just in case you wondered..

    • aquiredtaste Said:

      thanks, keep coming back, we are gonna have an eclipse version coming very soon.

  4. lvk1978 Said:

    NM sux. Jacob Black sux even more. That character has none of the virtues you so heedlessly gifted him with. He’s immature, boring, childish, vindictive, rude, overbearing and just plain yucky. Although I am deeply indebted to Ms. Meyer for writing such an entertaining series, I will be forever pissed off that she threw the loveliness that is Edward Cullen under the bus in the rush to jam a decidedly inferior character down our collective throats. At least June 2010 is not too far away.

    • aquiredtaste Said:

      sorry you disagree but i think you’re totaaly wrong. i’m team edward all the way but there’s no denying that jacob is amazing too. I have room for both of them in my deluded fantasies!

      • lvk1978 Said:

        I’m one of those gals that thinks that Ms. Meyer nearly ruined her little story by the over-addition of the little Native American boy-man. He’s childish, immature, rude, and manipulative to the extreme. Hell, he nearly sexually assaults Bella in “Eclipse” and we’re all supposed to say, “Aww, isn’t that cute?” I hate the way he acts and I hate the way Bella acts when she’s around him. Ms. Meyer gives us this beautiful, almost immortal, love story in “Twilight” and then makes it into a bad Stephen Stills song in the next? The only good parts of NM are the bookends — the beginning and the end. The middle part is nothing but filler and awful filler at that. You’re Team Edward all the way?!?!? I think not. There’s plenty of denying that he is amazing. I think what’s amazing is that Ms. Meyer actually managed to make me intensely dislike a Native American character. If she had stayed to her initial plan (that was to make him a friend only), then perhaps I might have liked him; however, she fell in love with her own creation and very nearly made him the focus of the entire saga. She definitely diluted the love story and she definitely abandoned Edward in favor of this child and for that, I will never forgive her.

      • aquiredtaste Said:

        wow, you are seriously intense about this aren’t you? here’s the deal, i’m team edward. i loves me some edward. In fact i’d blow him in a dumpster, yes, in one, not behind one. I also happen to love Jacob Black and think he’s exactly the right thing for her in the way of a friend. Sexual assault though? Really? What book were you reading? I would never support a semi-rapy character thanks. New Moon is an amazing story, she makes you feel bella’s heartbreak in a way that is totally real. I loved it. Breaking Dawn too. In fact I might even say that New moon is my favorite of the whole series so stick that in your anger filled pipe and smoke it! If she fell in love with her own creation then I won’t hold it against her, so did I. In fact, alot of people fell in love with her creation, different parts of it for different reasons. We may just have to agree to disagree. it’s obvious your strongly crazy, I mean opinionated about this. Why is it more amazing that you hated an Indian character? That shouldn’t even be a factor in whether or not you relate to him as a person or character. Bella needs Jacob in the same way that she needs Edward. They are the 2 halves that make her whole. He is immature at times, but um…… he’s a teenager. DUH. They are all immature at times including Edward which is what makes them so real, we’re all immature at times, even us grown ups. If you doubt that then just scroll up a few sentences to the part where I said duh. I have to question why you think she made Jacob the focus of the entire series, he so obviously is not. Edward and Bella are the focus and always have been and any fan of the series will tell you the same. Jacob is just as imporatnt in his own way but the story is about them,their love and the things they go through to be together. YOU ARE WRONG> DEAL WITH IT. And in the meantime, stop sending me hatemail about my posts, if you don’t like what i say or what i think don’t keep reading. I”M AN AQUIRED TASTE!! Hence the name.

      • lvk1978 Said:

        Yeah, I am seriously intense about this and your remarks don’t change anything in the slightest. “Sexual assault though? Really? What book were you reading?” I was reading “Eclipse”, what were you reading? I was always taught that “No” meant “No” and “Stop” really means “Quit doing what you’re doing” in any sexual type of situation and that was a sexual situation whether you believe it or not. That she tried to punch him out after the assault is proof enough for me. Also, check out the legal definition of sexual assault. You’ll find that Jacob came pretty damn close.

        And PinkBunny — Jacob necessary to the story? Puh-leeze! I’m sure you’re aware that his character didn’t start that way. He was merely an incidental character along the level of Mike, Jessica, etc. It wasn’t until Mrs. Meyer became infatuated with him and her editor allowed the infatuation to progress that he became something more than he ever needed to be.

        I won’t argue that many of the great romances in history have been built on triangles (e.g., “Jane Eyre”, “Romeo & Juliet”, “Wuthering Heights”, “Pride & Prejudice”, ad infinitum) but in not a one of them has the secondary male character ever become the focus of the story and that is EXACTLY what happens in the “Twilight” saga much to its eventual detriment. Mrs. Meyer creates one of the most beautiful, most compelling heroes ever and she ends up not only eventually forgetting about him but emasculating him in the process of building up her beloved Jacob.

        And you call yourself Team Edward! Phfttt! Whatevs! If you truly cared about the character, you’d be upset at the treatment this character receives at the hands of the author. Jacob disses Edward at every turn and Bella never fails to let him get away with it. And then she makes out with him? After she’s already agreed to be Edward’s wife?!?!?!? As Mrs. Meyer is so fond of writing, “Ugh!”

        You say that the focus of the story is Bella and Edward — where is he in NM? If the focus is Bella and Edward’s immortal love story, why aren’t we privy to his struggles during the separation? How about his family? Didn’t they love Bella, too? Why couldn’t we have seen even a tiny bit of what they went through? And even if you don’t feel that way, I have to go back to Edward. You say,”…but the story is about them,their love and the things they go through to be together.” Oh, it is? Then why don’t I get to see what he goes through? Oh, that’s right. I don’t get to see what he has to go through because I’m having Jacob Black and his immature antics forced down my throat. You say he’s important to the story; well I say he’s important to the story only because Mrs. Meyer made him important to the story. So much so that literally Mr. Wickham becomes more important than Mr. Darcy. Thank God I know the difference and I can at least read fanfiction that recognizes Edward’s importance to the romance and I don’t have to deal with Jacob unless it’s absolutely necessary.

        And don’t even get me started on Bella and Jacob’s deep love for one another. Jeez, “Eclipse” makes you think that Bella just barely got out of Jacob’s room. Then in BD it disappears *POOF* like magic! Some love! If it was going to disappear as quickly as it did, why have them fall in love in the first place? And stir up all the unpleasantness of imprinting on your former love’s daughter? Or making Edward a laughing stock of the fiction world for having to accept the former rival for his *wife’s* affections as a possible future son-in-law? Ick, just plain ick!

        As for Jacob? do0d, SCORE! Jacob FTW!!!!! You got both the mother and the daughter to fall in love with you! Like I said, ick, just plain ick!

      • aquiredtaste Said:

        Know what? YOU ARE A BIG OLD BOX OF CRAZY LADY!!! Edward wasn’t a big part of New Moon because he left her. In leaving her he made a statement about how he loves, so much he was willing to sacrifice himself. Get a lue already and stop whining about things you so obviously don’t understand. You don’t know what goes on with him during the seperation because the story is told primarily from BELLA”S point of view. Stephenie has thought about writing the series again from EC’s point of view, enter Midnight Sun, or haven’t you heard? It’s painfully obvious that you hate Jacob for whatever reason but the bottom line is these are fictional characters you looney tune. If you hate what Stephenie did to the story my suggestion would be that you go and write your own damn book about some bubble gum perfect couple that would be boring as all hell. Whether Jacob started out as apivotal character or not he wound up being one and I along with a million other people are glad he did. Why don’t you start taking up your objections with Stephenie effing Meyer, ya know the one who ruined the series, instead of continuously whining like a pissed off child who isn’t getting their way on MY blog. Get your own sounding board and leave the intellectual conversations to the intellectuals you half wit. STOP MESSAGING ME CRAZY!!

  5. Pinkbunny Said:

    Just discovered your blog from a link in LTT, and I love it! You’re hilarious and witty. You just got another fan in me.
    Oh, and thank you for sticking it to -vk1978- Whether we are Team Edward or Team Jacob (Im TE all the way), Jacob was necessary to the story. He brought Bella back from the dead and complicated things in so many ways, which makes for a more interesting story. Without him, I doubt there would have been Eclipse or Breaking Dawn.


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