5 reasons you are getting old



In honor of constantly complaining about back pain my husband’ s upcoming 29th birthday, and after many discussions with Kimmie about how close we are to 30  age in today’s society, we are listing 5 reasons you are getting old. Some signs may be:In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first or when you’re told to act your own age, you die.  Here are some thoughts on other ways to tell you’ve got a foot and 4 toes in the grave.


1)You finally got your head together, now your body is falling apart: You sure are doing alot of patting yourself on the back lately. You finally have figured out a few things about life and you know what you need to do to be happy. Hell, you can remember the days when your priorites went, boos, sex, boos,weed,boos,life lessons……boos, in exactly that order. Not anymore though, you’re a real grown up now and you can’t even remember the last time you got to buy yourself a new pair of….. well anything, from the mall because you always have that damn light bill to pay. It feels good though, being responsible. Except when it hurts like hell. You have more than 3 doctors you see on a regular basis and there isn’t a day that goes by where you don’t say something hurts. Now that you are so smart you often wish you could go back in time and change some things you did,  maybe avoid that time when you got drunk and tried to fly off your buddy’s roof because as much as you hate to admit it, your mom was right. You will pay for it later.


2) You’re asleep, but others worry that you’re dead: Man the early hours you keep at your super adult like job are brutal. It’s a harsh reality that you wake up at 4 am to have time to get your coffee and morning news in before you head off to work. Something really crucial may have happened after you went to bed and you want to know about it. So after a long night Friday of  cooking out at your parents and watching law and order burning the midnight oil, you sleep in sometimes. You deserve it. So come Saturday when you wake up to your honey shaking you violently around 11 am looking really nervous you begin to realize that type of behavior is more than restfull. It’s a pre-curser to comaville for people your age. Your sweetie was terrified when you weren’t up by 8, he knows you always say that is like sleeping in for you.  They tell you they tried saying your name but you didn’t answer, of course the logical next step is to shake you so hard the blankets fell off.  You are mad at first, but hey, you needed to get up anyway if you want to have enough time to watch the whole last season of True Blood before it was bed time again.


3) You get pregnant and your friends are worried instead of happy:  Outrage is all you feel. You just called your BFF and told her you’re expecting another little angel and all she could say is: ” UH…….. are we happy? It’s like they are always judging you. Sure, your husband just got back from hocking your car for crack but they just don’t understand him like you do. And yes, you’ll admit,  when you went to the doctor he mummbled something that sounded alot like ” medical marvel” when he saw the age on your chart but, whatever. You were happy.


4)When you don’t care where your wife goes, just so you don’t have to go along: Jesus Christ Shepherd of Judea. Your wife is sooo needy. It’s like everytime she leaves the house you have to go with her. Why would you think I wanted  to go shopping for sandals?  After this last time when she drug you to the taping of Antiques Road Show, you decide that’s it. You are on doing stupid shit strike. After about 2 weeks you start to realize maybe you haven’t been paying attention when she tells you where she’s going. Uh oh. By the time you take a look around you start to see a few problems, big ones. Like you’re not sure when but she has definitely gotten another dog. And there is a mighty suspicious couch in the living room. Now that you mention it, there’s a young hot latin guy in the back yard with pool cleaning gear. Weird thing is, you don’t have a pool.



5) It takes twice as long to look half as good: Well it’s your anniversary. You’ve been married so long you start to think about renewing your vows on the next one.  When you start to get ready for your annual anniversary dinner, the place where you ate your wedding dinner at, Applebee’s, you decide you want to wear what you wore on your first date. It’ll be cute. You go to the closet and pull out those jeans, the ones you have in the back of your closet that you pull out sometimes and just look at. Then you grab your favorite tank and get dressed. Damn these pants are tight. It takes yous so long to get your pants up that when you’re done you are out of breath and decide that maybe you’ll just brush your hair, instead of curling it. You drag a brush through your hair and wind up going out with nothing more than lipgloss on. At the end of the day it’s the thought that counts right?


  1. Luke Said:

    You’re asleep, but others worry that you’re dead: OMMFG!!!! Hahaha Hell yea, and Applebee’s!?!?! Word is Bond ‘Nuttin sets off the taste of steak like ketchup!!!!’

  2. aquiredtaste Said:

    you are too crazy for owrds home squish. We miss you too.

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