I’m sure that no-one among us has been fortunate enough to escape being dumped…. at least once. It sucks and there’s no doubt about it. Before you go head first into your next relationship read 5 reasons why your honey may have decided to take the cat and leave your ass.
1) How can I miss you if you never leave? : Yes you heard them when they asked to have some space. You thought about it, the answer was that they had plenty of alone time when they were at work. After hours is all about you. You go everywhere together, you do everything together. You love your shnuckums so much that you suffocate and smother spend every moment you can being with them. Well what do ya know? They start to act strange. At first you notice them not calling you on their breaks so much, then you notice that their stuff starts slowly disappearing. Maybe it was a bit much when you insisted on staying in the bathroom while they deuced so you could check the shower curtain rod, insisting that you loved them and it shouldn’t matter if you saw their pooping face. When you come home from your job one day to find the next stalker victim the love of your life and your cat Mr. Fuzzy Nuts gone you are so distraught. Next time listen when they tell you they would rather swallow a handful of hot staples than go another day with you. They were serious, and if you doubt it just show up at their mom’s house and watch as they down some office supplies.
2) You suck at listening: You are thinking about alot right now. Trying to recall something important. You know you and your girl had an argument, well mostly she did. She yelled and you looked at her intently and thought about how hot that girl in the new transformer’s movie is. You put all the mmhmm’s in at the right time and you think she didn’t even notice the fact that you weren’t even listening to her. Now that she’s gone and not returning your texts you start to think that maybe something important was in there somewhere. Hmm, you start to have flashbacks of the conversation you were supposed to be listening to, something about a dumpster. And burning….. and your cell phone. As you start to connect the dots you remember what she said. There were pics of some blogger random girl, blowing you behind a dumpster on your phone. And she went to the doc cause it burned when she peed. She said you were over and suggested you seek medical attention cuz your man berries have a slightly green color and cartoon stink lines coming off of them in waves. You call and make an appointment for the doc and while you cruise the aisles of Walgreens looking for Charlie Sheen’s Crabs Cream, you tell yourself you will be a better listener the next time around, listening is the key.
3) You have gotten lazy, and she’s gotten pissed: Nagging is a right of all women. We are all too aware of the fact that it drives you crazy, we know it makes you uncomfortable. We like that. You are really starting to piss us off though. You haven’t cut the yard in 3 weeks and the grass is so tall our kid lost their bike in it. No matter how many times we ask you to, you still haven’t mastered the skill of putting the laundry in the basket instead of on top of it. And what’s worse is you act like all the shiz we do just magically happens. It’s like poof! dinner. Poof again…… the house is clean. Poof again again…. the bills are paid. Well you should have pulled your head out of your assyour fingers out of your ears and listened to all that bitching cuz now you have to take your laundry to your mom’s and she is starting to act a lil miffed. And no more magical dinners either, you’ve been hittin up Taco Bell every night this week and your stomach is angry about it. Maybe the taco bell and upset stomach is why mom is so upset about doing your laundry. Know what else? When the grass finally was cut, you found that something else had been hiding in the grass too, the hot neighbor guy who was all too happy to wash the dishes and cut the grass……. and bang your girl.
4) You tried to change them : Yupp, first rule of dating is if you can’t be with them as is don’t be with them at all. It’s more common than people care to admit, they find someone who is hot as hell but is a habitual fuck around, or they are super sweet but don’t work. You know the types, fixer uppers. Well when you met your hot as hell honey you just knew that with a little love they would change. After a year or two they didn’t change. You pushed harder. Still no luck. Who do you think you are asking them to stop screwing your sister and smokin crack? That’s all their fave stuff! Next time you’ll think before you try to become captain save a ho.
5) It’s not me, it’s you: Yes we meant to say it like that. Sometimes relationships end because 2 people just don’t work together. or because one of you is a stinky dirty douche bag. Yeah, that’s right. You suck. You were dumped for that reason. You took all the other reasons on this list and did em all. You are a lazy, self involved, likely small peen having toxic balls. In case you hadn’t realized it, we hate you. We know you and our slutty sister have been banging and we know you gave us the herps. We know you paid the neighbor to do your chores and we know that even though we told you that you had to change you didn’t. Yeah yeah, I know I said some things that would lead you to believe doing all that complaining might be reason to leave me, but at the end of the day only one of us can be right. It’s me, another right of being a woman. We tried to make it work but then we started picturing doing things to you, mean things. Like sending your grandma some pic of you behind dumpster. Or showing up at your job drunk and puking on your boss. We figured before we caught a charge we should end it. Just remember hell hath no fury and all that. And that we still know where you work.