I’m sure you know that there is a time and place for everything. For instance, when you’re in church you don’t start doing impressions of your homie with tourettes syndrome, not cool. You don’t take it upon yourself to reveal your sister has been screwing her ex at her engagement party. And there are definitely things you just don’t say during sex. Here is a list of the worst. Disclaimer: if you or someone you know has uttered any of these statements know that we are not referring to you, and also you’re a major D-BAG.
1) God, what’s that smell? Yeah, we went there. You know how it is, you’re in the throws of passion. You know that something mediocre amazing is about to happen, and then he says this. WTF? First of all you know for a fact that you don’t smell, you even bought that expensive woman junk spray so your hoo-hah would smell like roses. And now that you think about it, you smell something too. The smell only started when he took his scooby doo underoos off. I KNEW IT!! He has the funk, crotch rot, booty flu. That rank is coming from your honey and he is trying to pass it off on you, son of a bitch. You should play it cool, repeat the question except look at his man junk when you say it. If he doesn’t know by then that he’s been found out there’s no shame in saying it. You tell that frumunda cheese having stinky balls that his wang smells like spoiled milk and blue cheese and that he had better take those bio hazards that he calls undies and get the H out of there. If he asks you why you’re using letters for your curse words instead of saying them you reply, cuz I’m a lady toxic dick and see him to the door.
2)”Wait, you have herpes too right?” Your just met her but she’s the one and you know it. She is perfect, she’s even been holding out the poontang until she was sure of the relationship and you totally banged her sisterrespect that. The night has finally come when the drawers are gonna drop and you are amped. You kiss and fool around for a while and then it happens, you two start goin at it like those animale on the nature channel when she stops you and asks this question. Well fuck no you don’t, wait, ya do now. After you get all indignant on that ass and freak out for a minute you figure out 2 things. 1) You prolly do have the herps now, your roomie took your last condom but you went in anyway figuring her to be a nice girl and all. 2) Yes, you are angry, but why stop now? You got that shiz, you’re sure of it, your junk is even burnin a lil bit now so screw it. Finish what you started and tomorrow you and Ms. Perfect will go get some handy dandy clap cream together. Ahh, true love.
3)On second thought, let’s turn the lights off: This one is a no-brainer. You are gettin some and when the clothes come off it’s a freakshow. Maybe they have an abundanec of body hair, maybe they are a lil more skinny/pudgy than you thought and the result is terrifying. Or maybe they have cooter critters so bad that when their drawers drop stuff comes running out like roaches when you turn on the lights. It’s a scary thought. When someone says this to you it’s a sign that you are in fact as gross as you thought you were. You’re really not that attractive, or the person your with was packin a pant full of tube socks and he doesn’t want the secret to get out before he has a chance to get off. I’m thinking the last one is more likely. Note to self: make em show you the goods before you disrobe to save yourself the trouble of laughing in their face and throwing them out.
4)Do you like it? : If you find yourself having to ask this question the answer is no. You suck. If I liked it I would be responding somehow. You wouldn’t have to ask, you would know. You might as well be asking if they are bored because you want them to say yes but you don’t want lies. Ask a question they can be honest to. Like it? Please. I like having uneventful, mind numbingly boring and stale sex, sure I do babe. I love you and that tired swirly thing you think is so satisfying. Here’s a hint, if it’s quiet, they don’t like it. If they start crying in the middle of sex and asking aloud why they ever left their ex, it’s bad. IF they fall asleep during it all, then no they don’t like it. Stop asking and get to work and I swear to god if you even think swirly thing you are never gettin any ever again.
5) Oh Dan, Oh Dan, wait….. I mean Josh, sorry.: Yelling the wrong name had to be on here people. Yes, I know it’s obvious but really what is worse than that? Having someone yell the wrong name is pretty crushing, and telling. It means that they are thinking of someone else they hooked up with which is bad. It means that you are so inadequate that they couldn’t even fathom doing this with the person that’s there. It means, worst of all, that the person you are hooking up with is a turbo slut. Only whores say the wrong name. If you are so slutty that you can’t remember who you’re sleeping with while you’re sleeping with them you got issues babe. Remove yourself from atop this hoe bag and seek out new tang. And maybe a doctor, you never know what you’ll get when it comes to whores.