5 things that you DO NOT want to find in your honey’s medicine cabinet

{ October 14, 2011 @ 12:27 am } · { Uncategorized }
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 We have all done it..god nows I have. In fact, I’ve probably done it to you someone you know. I suppose it’s a part of  human curiosity that we snoop. You find yourself looking through people’s phones in their absence and trying to justify the naked pics of Bea Arthur they have saved as their cells wall paper. You may look through their pockets while they take a shower and deny the major creep out that happens when you find that in their wallet is a note from their mom written in 1997 reminding them to change their underwear before boy scouts. There are some things though that just cannot be explained away. No amount of understanding makes them ok and after you find these accursed objects you know that at the least you need to run, at most..to the nearest free clinic.\

 

 

1) I’m beginning to feel less than fresh: In the spirit of equality we have decided to start this thing off with a warning for the men folk. Let’s say you have met some sexy lil thang..the two of you have had the most romantic dinner at  Applebee’s 25 bucks can buy and after really going all out (yes those were genuine silk roses), she has decided to let you into er naughty jungle of love. So of course after some heavy petting and the threat of your dangly bits turning smurfy colors it appears that the moment has finally come. You rush off to the bathroom to freshen your breathe and run a rag across the fellas in case there is some mouth action in your future. As the sink fills with hot water you decide to peak at the classy lady’s medicine cabinet and see what you can see. GASP! There, in the very front, in plain sight, it sits. It’s the worst, the most wretched…it’s so bad you dare not speak it’s name. It’s voldemort. Summer’s Eve. Not just your run of the mill eve either..the bottle says feminine deodorant..wait, deODORant? That means there are odors, odors that are currently being hidden by this devil spray. Immediately the mouse goes back in the house and you know that it doesn’t matter how blue things get, you ain’t doin it. It ain’t happening and you have to make a hasty escape lest your delicate senses be assaulted. As you are sliding out the bathroom window without your shoes some things occur to you. The first, that you can’t trust yourself to be a good judge of people after drinking half a bottle of windex on a dare. The second being that you should have known something was wrong when you kept smelling fish even though you both had salad at that magical panty dropper applebee’s. Mostly though you realize that if you wanna get laid for sure next time cleaning your junk is folly because, obviously, if you smell you won’t notice the filth of the skank you are banging.

 

2) It Looks like the fortress of solitude..: I’m a girl, as you all know. Listen closely men as I am about to welcome you into the secret world of women. We are sneaky, some may even say nosy. You can bet that we are looking through your shit asap and without remorse. We want to know everything we can so that we have info to report back to our friends. After all they will be the ones launching a full scale investigation. It’s in that spirit that you should know we will be all up in your bathroom bidness the VERY FIRST TIME we are in your house.In your favor, roommates often provide the shadow of doubt that keeps us seeing you. So when your girlfriend finds your valtrex prescription in the WC she may be able to pray that your skeezy roomie has crotch rot and not her snugglepants.But friends, i Must give ou this advice: if you plan on passing off that gerps cream then dropping trou before your outbreak is over is a bad plan. When she gets a gander at the crystalline formation all over your meat and two veg she’s gonna be gone. So fellas, follow the example of our old friend here at Aquired Taste Charlie Sheen.. get em attached before you reveal your tiger blood.

3)  WTF is Bourdreaux’s Butt Paste Dude? : The obvious perpetrator of the medicine cabinet invasions are your signif others. Dates and the like seem to be the only people you have to be wary of seeing the hidden shame you hide in the throne room but alas, this is not true. Just as your fave boner buddy may be too curious, so may your friends be. These are the friends who love to fuck with you about anything they can. The friends who you love/hate because they have an uncanny ability to find out then expose things about you that you wish were otherwise all your own. So if they go exploring in your terlet one day and find that you have baby diaper rash cream, trust me..it’s gonna get ugly. Listen, we all know that buttcracks get sweaty. It’s a disgusting part of life. We know that you work in construction or roofing or some other moisture producing field but bro…baby diaper rash cream? If you think that’s gonna go without a word you’re wrong. In fact I think it’s a certainty that the VERY next time you and that friend are in public chasing vag like you two do, he will be sure to ask how the rash on your ass is coming along. All is fair in friendship and poon chasin pal, more importantly..you shoulda known better than to leave that anywhere it could be found. Lesson learned we hope..as for the new facebook group entitled ” The guy with booty flu”, well…all we can say is we are sorry and as soon as your mom accepts our request we’ll take your picture down.

4) Two and  half men..Minus two.: Safe sex is a must what with Charlie Sheen being single and on the loose again. It seems like keeping condoms handy would say to your potential lovah ” I’m responsible and clean.” Sadly, just the condoms themselves can be enough to run off your honey while they do a combination of laughing/texting/crying all at once. It may be a good idea to keep the size extra extra small condoms in the bedside table at your place so that when she decides to do that sexy move  where she comes out of the bathroom nekkid and holding a raincoat it doesn’t end in humiliation..for you. Girls talk and trust me if she finds those baby peter rubbers in your cabinet she’s telling everybody. Not only are you not scoring with her, she may make it impossible to score with any other girl unless you relocate to a different state. Face it, no one likes a teeny peter, not even dudes with teeny peters. o it’s best to try and keep that sadness under wraps as long as you can.

 

5) I Cracked a blanket in half: Everybody has to tickle their own pickle sometimes. It’s a part of life and we all do it (EVEN YOU!). The thing is, there is such a thing a masturbatory decorum. For instance, you don’t leave your lube out in the living room when you know your grandma is coming over for dinner. You take out the dvd of back door sluts nine before you babysit your little cousin. You keep these things in your sock drawer like the rest of the civilized world. You certainly don’t hide your copy of  the acclaimed magazine ” Boobs, ass, and man junk” in your medicine cabinet. It’s gross, people snoop. You’re asking to get busted. You hide your KY warming “massage” oil because your ass is single so no one is buying it. You’re massaging you and we are grossed out. Have a little class. If you store nothing but astroglide, a crusty sock, and a picture of oscar the grouch (don’t judge me) in your cabinets it pretty much says “welcome to the spank bank”.  Be an adult, wack off in private for christ’s sake and for the love of all things holy….tell charlie sheen we can see him behind your shower curtain.

5 things we loved and hated about New Moon

{ March 18, 2010 @ 12:48 am } · { Uncategorized }
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Much like the rest of the world we saw New Moon…  when it came out. Before you say it, yes, we did buy our tickets in advance, and yes we are really that nerdy. So, while we wait for the much anticipated sequel and the upcoming DVD release this weekend, we thought it best to blog about what we loved and hated about the movie. Of course this is purely informational. not like we expect our demands suggestions to be taken in to consideration or anything………

1) Why are all the laws set up to keep me from bangin Jacob Black?: We loved the book. In fact, New Moon was our definite favorite of the Twilight Saga. In it Bella finally starts coming into her own, she finally grows a personailty. Before New Moon, Bella kind of came off as a whiny insecure twit but here she is, all grown up, hangin with the big dogs( pun intended). More than that we get to know Jacob. When Tay Tay, that’s the nick name we gave him, he loves it, trust me, enters in this movie it is so perfectly …well…perfect. There he is, in all his hotness. Let;s just take a moment to sigh in unison over the boys’ abs shall we? Not only is he the perfect guy best frien that loves you and protects you no matter how screwed up you are( holla Luke!), he is brutally hot and wants to show you all his muscles, all of em. I;ll admit, I drooled, I grunted in appreciation of that first shirtless scene along with all the other women and gay men in the theater. Here’s the bad though….he is underage, in the book and in reality. WHY GOD WHY? Tay Tay is a mere 17 and I’m, well….. not. Why would the leaders of this country stop me from goin majorly cougar on his fine ass? I say it’s time to rewrite the laws. We’ll call it the Jacob Black act. It’s sole purpose will be to allow older women to get it and hit it in instances where the underage guy is sooo hot it makes your eyeballs burn just lookin at him. He is hot…like surface of the sun hot. All I need is the go ahead from local law enforcement and I’ll make that boy into a man…a dirty dirty man. Yeah, all that’s holding us back from being together is the law…yeah…that’s all

2) Bella, Bella, Bella, where do I begin?: New Moon is amazing, the story, the movie. It was fanfukkintastic( thanks to the absence of one Cathy Hardwicke, cougar extraordinaire). While I love that Bella finds a sense of self in this installment I also have to wonder what the eff she was doing surrounded by hot half naked man-wolves and not hittin that in a mixture of fantasy and illegal lovin come to life. Seriously? You have this ripped, sexy, sensitive, comp[letely in love with you guy hangin around you, complimenting you, and knowing you better than anyone on the planet because he listens, not because you had to tell him, and you spend your time doing death defying stunts cuz you miss the pale faces? LAME BITCH, LAME.  Glad you got your self a personality, really glad that the makeup department in this flick was able to disguise your funknast moolay( that’s french for mullet), but really? You shoulda hit it. Yeah yeah, you love Edward, we all do. But Jacob? In some ways Jacob is more perfect than Edward ever could be and while you sit alone, screaming yourself to sleep at night, you could be bangin the hottest wolfman…ever. I know the pains of a broken heart but you know what they say..the best way to get over a guy is to get under a new one.

3) Don’t buy the hype: I get it, Edward is hot and perfect and beautiful, but, at the risk of sounding like I’m team Jacob ( I’m only team jacob if I can hit it) which we’re totes not, shut up already! Jacob is right on the heels of all that fiction perfection that Edward is. In this Jacob is, well he’s effin Jacob ok! He is smart and funny and protective and FUGGIN HOT and…..takin a break to swoon…talk amongst yourselves, I’ll give you a topic, a peanut is neither a pea nor a nut..discuss……. OK! We’re back, yeah , Jacob is everything the perfect guy should be, the only way he could get better is if he were a musician on top of everything else….oh right, enter Edward.

4) Um, WTF Is the deal with Dakota Fanning?: Look, I lovez me some twilight. I lovez me some Volturi too actually and I’m all about the evil Jane and her creepy twin. I love the whole concept that she can fuck shit up with her mind! It’s so very…well it’s so very carrie meets interview with the vampire so when I heard that she got the part, gap toothed, cute as a button, sean penn as a tardo’s daughter Dakota fuggin Fanning I waslike huh? I’m sorry , it’s a big no for me. I watched th emovie with an open mind, I really did, but every time I looked at her all I could see is the very cute littl girl who gave Joey advice on Friends or the Kid Tom Cruise carried around the set of war of the worlds like a life sized cabbage patch doll. It was muy disappointing folks. She is as believeable as evil as Mother Teresa would be playing Freddy. It’s like casting a muppet to play pinhead. Seriously casting people? Dakota Fanning? Was she the only actress in all of the universe available at the time? Well now you’re stuck with her……may I suggest next time using someone a little less disney and a little more, I dunno…not.

5) Bottom Line-get naked!: That’s right, I said that shit. I love the books, I LOVE ROB! I want to have his chest haired british children. Him and Taylor are all half naked throughout the movie, I want full frontal gentlemen! And not the creepy tuck version from little ashes either. Gimme some r rated grown ups only type goodness please or else I will have to photoshop your heads on to some of Levi Johnston’s Playgirl pics and trust me,noone wants that.

Our 5 best and 5 worst of 2009

{ January 2, 2010 @ 4:38 am } · { Uncategorized }
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Ahhh the New Year… so much to look forward to, so much to reflect on. You may look back and think about all the amazing things that happened this year, like your trip to Memphis, where a certain co-writer got drunk and passed out in the front seat of her car, only after laying down on the ground in a parking garage that is. Maybe you’re thinking about the kick ass blog you started that is a lil slice of happy everytime you think about it. You could be reflecting on your various sexual conquests or bragging to your friends about all the times you have been in Just Busted, whatever it is alot has happened this year and we are  ready to list our best and worst of 2009, reflect on this bitch!

THE BEST

1) I’m sorry… did you just say IN a dumpster?: In the beginning of this lil blog, before our co-writer Kimmie was co-writer, we would call her for suggestions and tips on things to write about. In one of our first ever 5 editions, we were listing the 5 sexiest men alive and we came upon Rob Pattinson ( that’s what she said). I was informing my pervy lil cohort about one of my fave sites, Letters to Rob, and how they had mentioned a lil something about blowing Rob behind a dumpster, a thought that I should have been grossed out by, but instead was jsut turned on over which is a whole other blog all together. In this lil convo Kimmie says to me, and I quote, ” Fuck behind a dumpster, I’d blow him IN a dumpster”, and a legend was born. If you’ve read our blog, like ever, you know that phrase has been repeated over and over again, it’s one of the single most depraved things I have ever heard and in that moment I was struck dumb. All I could think was HELLO REASON WE’RE FRIENDS! Only my girl could say something so foul and crass and it be received with open arms…..cuz I like that kind of stuff. It was something that set the tone for this blog, full on offensive, no holds barred, in your face, fuck you kind of stuff that has made it possible to write about anything with virtually no censorship. For that, and much more I love that chic, and it was defs worthy of our best list.

2) Dear crazies, I’m not sorry so suck it!: In this blog, especially given the nature of some of the shit we write, I have recieved some awesome hate mail. People write me lil messages that tell me about how offended they are because I talked about Jesus and golden showers or trash can oral sex. Well guess what my band-o- haters? YOU HAVE MADE IT EVEN BETTER! I love the emails where I get called names and told I need help. If you knew me you would understand that is pretty much a given. I love the hatemail the most because it means people are reading and giving what we say actual thought, enopugh thought to be pissed off and write me lil notes, so thanks again! You guys rock my cock!

3) Na na na na, na na na na, hey hey hey, goodbye!: Sweet relief people! In the later part of the year Oprah Winfrey decided to announce the end of her talk show after it being on air for what feels like an eternity. This is on the best list because…..FUCK OPRAH! I hate that big headed biznatch and always have. To me, Oprah is the epitome of everything wrong with the world. She has made billions, yes, with a B, by telling people what they should like, who they should be, how they should be. The whole time constantly changing and trying to be someone she isn’t. ” If you’re fat you can’t be happy”, ” If you read anything, this book should be it”, ” Obama is the only choice”, ugh, suck it ya poser. We don’t need you and your lesbian lover Gail telling us who and what to be and how to think. Here’s a thought, worry about you, deal with you, and don’t presume to know what the rest of the world needs. You don’t know and you are dumb, good riddance I say. Go crawl back under the Steadman Gail sandwich you love so much and drown your sorrows in some delicious and nutirtious crisco ya closet food junkie. Your time is gone, THANK GOD.

4) Grrr baby. Very GRRr: Tiger Tiger Tiger, you horny lil weirdo. Before all my women readers get all in a huff because I am about to betray our sex, just think about what I’m going to say. Trust me, I’m right. Tiger Woods is on the best list because I think his drama is the best example of celebrity obsession and double standards this year. I love a good celeb scandal like anybody else, don’t get me wrong , but come on people. Does it matter that much? No, it doesn’t. Men cheat ALL the time. Is it ok, no. But isn’t that between him and his wife to deal with? When people cheat the world acts like it’s the first time or some shit and it’s ridiculous. The man had to take a leave from his job, what the fuck for? So he’s a dirty cheater, how does that effect his golf game? It obviously doesn’t since he’s been one for years and played just fine. Get over it you fame obsessed psychos. The man needs to be left alone now, and , for that matter, they all do. Stop following celebs so much, they are rich and good looking, but in the end, they are just people, fucked up. flawed people. Just like the rest of us.

5)Save money on therapy, read my blog:This year the economy was big news. Lots of people were penny pinching and trying to save money where ever they could. Well of course we here at 5 decided it was our civic duty to help in whatever way we could so out came the advice 5’s. There were many lil winners, bad places to meet people, reasons you may need to change, annoying things you do so stop it. All efforts to help the loyal readers of our page and save em a buck. After all, who needs therapy when you can just read a blog and get the advice you need for the low price of self respect, or personal dignity free!We are all about helping others here at 5 so just keep reading and look out in 2010 for more helpful thought provoking editions, with your best interests in mind of course.

THE WORST

1) Holy hair plugs batman!:Let’s play a game, I’ll describe someone and you see if you can guess who it is. Okay, he’s got hairplugs, an Ed Hardy shirt on, and got more poon than Tiger Woods this year. That’s right! Jon Gosselin! God I hate this freak. He started off the year being the saddest lil scrap of a man, having Kate snatch a lil snippet of his soul on national tv a couple of times a week. Then out of nowhere, he grows a pair and leaves! At first I was on board, GO JON! Leave that mean backwards mullet nutcracker post haste and focus on the kids. Then he was banging every dirty scuzzy home wrecking 12 year old he could find and he became less endearing. Next thing you know he’s at the bars and clubs, blowin off daddy time in favor of goin on hoe patrol. Lame Jon, really lame. I hate this douche, even more I hate the fact that I even know who he is, so he cheated, whatevs. So he’s a selffish dick, ok, I can deal. But a layabout do nothing father…crossin the line pal. He’s famous for nothing more than the kids he is now royally screwing up and I’d like to take this time to announce my Jon Gosselin rehabilitation plea for 2010. I am pleading with you, loyal readers, to take an interest inhelping this man get more focused on family. If you see JOn Gosselin out without his kids, take a moment to approach him, and when you have his attention KICK HIM IN THE NUTS. Then while he lies on the ground holding his junk, asking you why, get real close to his ear and say, “You know why” then runaway. Trust me, with your help, we can reform this man into a good father and get rid of his slut hopping, fame whoring ways. Make a pledge now, junk punch Jon Gosselin in 2010.

2) This is it:  I know that many people thought of Micheal Jackson as a creepy pedo with a non-nose and blankets for kids. I’ll admit that I have said my fair share of unsavory MJ jokes about boys pants and Kmart, guilty. Once I got older and had kids of my own the overall hilarity of those jokes was..well, let’s just say less, so I stopped. Then one year, shortly after my son’s first birthday, we sat at home watching MTV while I cleaned the house. As it was quickly approaching Halloween, thriller was playing on an almost constant loop on the various music stations. My son had just started walking at the point where he didn’t collapse every three steps so he was out and walking around when the video came on, I came in from the kitchen to turn up the tv ( don’t judge! Thriller is a classic!) and there stood my baby, in his onesie, dancing. You know how infants dance, they bounce up and down on chubby little legs and smile as if they have just discovered music because, to them, they have. He danced and grinned through the whole video, laughing and clapping every now and then, and I stood there watching him and thinking how great this story would be when he was older, his first dance being to thriller. So when I heard that Micheal had died that was the first thing I thought of, then I remembered all the times in life I had memories that could play like a video over certain MJ songs, stuff I thought about every time I heard “remember the time” or “scream”. There have been many celeb deaths in my life and I’m sure many more will come, when I was a young teenager Curt Cobain died, I loved and still do love Nirvana and can remember being so sad about it, so personally hurt, but I didn’t cry. When MJ died, I cried. I still do sometimes when I hear a song of his or see footage about him or his poor kids. I felt the loss like it was my own, I grieved. I don’t know when the world will recover from it. Yes he was weird, yes he had a freaky nose and made his kids wear masks. If you had been torn apart by the media the way he was you may want to protect the identity of your kids too. MJ was strange and scary sometimes, misguided and eccentric. He was also the man who changed the world with music, many artists today cite him as their inspiration. I think it was a loss of genius, a loss of connection with the past, and for me, a loss of the man who made my baby dance.

3) You want to twitter my whuh?: 2009 was definitely the year of twitter. Every 5 minutes someone was making th etabloids for some dumb shit they said on twitter. I tried twitter, you may find the link on the blog right now, and one day it occured to me, THIS IS DUMB. Twitter is the most self indulgent douchey thing ever. Why do you think that people want to know you’re at the grocery store and just picked up milk?Trust me, no matter who you are,NO ONE CARES. I couldn’t care less about the little details of your life and if you’re reading this and thinking that twitter is awesome, you’re a moron. You inform people about everything that happens all day everyday and it’s a bit redonk. There should be some things that are private about life and Twitter just allows lonely assholes to spill their guts about anything in the hopes that someone will read it and give a shit. MOVE ON, try getting a friend, or a life.

4) Fishsticks: Kanye West, what more can I say? Actually…a lot more. He’s just walking around everyday like hmm, I wonder who I’ll try to offend or piss off today. After the hilarious, and almost prophetic episode of South Park Kanye said that he was going to take some time off and think about how people saw him……and then he shows up at the VMAS drunk and shits all over Taylor Swifts cherrios. If we didn’t before, we do now. That’s right, we all hate your stupid ass Kanye. You my friend are on the list because the way you behave in general is an afront to common decency and the Taylor thing just was a perfect example of why we all think you’re a stupid dick. Your attitude and unfounded self assurance was cool at first, we were all like, yeah his music is good. Then it just started getting old, no one appreciates a person who act slike that. Truth be told your music is not all that impressive, and so what if your mom died? Lots of people lose family everyday, that doesn’t give you the right to treat people like garbage, neither does talent, or lack thereof in your case.Try putting down the bottle, closing your Twitter, and figuring out what class is…class…..you know, the thing you don’t have.

5) 2009: Yupp, ending our list is 09 itself. It was full of douchey celebs, wars, and loss. In my opinion, lamespice all around. Sure there were some happy moments. it can’t rain all the time after all. I’m not gonna lie and say that I’m not damn glad it’s over though. I’m all about second chances, do overs and what not. It’s been kinda stank and I think that we all need to wipe the slate clean, apologize for screwing your around on your honey or losing your house to that nasty crack habbit and move forward. There are silver linings here people, George Bush is out of office and has been unable to fuck things up for a whole year, Robert Pattinson is bringing back the sexy homeless guy look, and minimum wage was raised so you can finally get that tooth replaced! 2010 is gonna be all about moving on from the ugliness of 09 and looking back to say HA! I made it out alive so eff you 09! You suck and that’s why you are gone now! Suck it 09, bring it on 2010, I’m ready and waiting so give it your best shot.

LOve you all and hope you had a sfae and amazing New Year, can’t wait to see what happens this year!

Our Turkey Day 5

{ November 26, 2009 @ 7:26 pm } · { Uncategorized }
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As with all holidays, there are just some things that suck and some things that rock out loud. Maybe you can’t stand drunk Uncle Carl hitting on your wife and shortly after passing out in the gravy boat your nana gave you. Maybe you would deal with Uncle Carl every damn day of the week for your mom’s dressing. While we LOVE the holidays and feeding people( no seriously. It’s what we do), we thought it all too fitting to post our first ever Thanksgiving blog about why this holiday may make you wish you choked on the wishbone.

 

 

1) Um, is Uncle Carl naked…again?: Every holiday people gather and spend time with their family, it’s what makes holiday’s so special. Except that you can’t stand 90% of your family and they are nothing but a source of embarrassment or disappointment. You think that your family more resembles the Hitlers than the Brady’s and the fact that you HAVE to tolerate them for this holiday is a cruel joke. Your sister’s hate each other, your mom and her new hubby are there and so is your dad and his new wife or as your mom calls her ” little miss new boobs”. This isn’t a family gathering, this is a bunch of people who hate each other sitting in the same room for the sake of tradition. It’s always a blood bath and you know it’s only moments before they all start tearing each other apart. To make matters worse Uncle Carl is slowly disrobing, first the shoes, then the belt, the sweater…and if he keeps hittin the ” social beer every once in a while” like he LOVES to do, he’ll be naked stradling rudolph in the front yard again. Ahh…there’s no place like home for the holidays.

 

2)Um….please get your shoes off my face: Black Friday.What a horrible day! “Are you going shopping on BLACK FRIDAY?”  If Black Friday is two days before Christmas, then yes.  People go nuts over Black Friday.  The turkey hasn’t even digested yet, and Christmas psycho-paths are in their cars, bleary-eyed, “Silver Bells” blasting on the radio.  Nothing like beating back violent parents at a Wal-Mart for a plush dinosaur to ring in the holiday spirit. What’s worse is these people who are out are probably out to save money, to get the most out of their money, to make the holidays as amazing as possible for their family. I only have one question, When Timmy wakes up on xmas morning and mom tells him Daddy can’t be here cuz he beat an old lady in a a hover round to death  with a ceramic santa for the last Bakugan, will he feel the spirit?

 

3) Hosting…a synonym for fucked from the jump: Joy of joys! Last year at the travesty now being referred to as “turkey gate” you were elected to host this year’s festivities. You pushed the thought out of your  mind until around Oct.31st when your aunt Nellie reminded you that she would be expected lactose free ice cream at the dinner. As you ask yourself WTF lactose free ice cream is it dawns on you, you’re the host. They are all coming to YOUR house. Before you know it you’re in the full swing of things, buying groceries, getting lists of food allergies for all your relatives from your mom, and then the reality sets in. You start to really think about who is coming to dinner. You start hiding all your jewelry so your clepto cousin Carrie doesn’t make off with it. You put a lock on pay per view so your “drunkle” won’t run up your cable bill like he did 3 years ago at Nanna’s house. You finally wind up renting a storage unit and hauling all of your stuff over there for safe keeping until the crazies vacate your house. When they all show up and there is nothing but bare floors and a table it dawns on you that you are a genius! They all start fussing over your lack of..ell, everything. You know when xmas comes you will be raking it in and they will NEVER ask you to host again. Thank god! You mistakenly packed your clap cream in the storage unit and your no no place has been itching and burning for 3 days. Another holiday at your house and your hoo ha might well just fall off.

 

4) Guilt, Guilt, Guilt: Don’t get me wrong. I’m seriously pro-gratitude. Done right, it hooks you up with powerful happy drugs easing their warm soothing glow through your veins.As far as goofy natural highs go, gratitude is second only to being in love.But when you’re told you should be feeling grateful, it drains out 99% of the fun. Force-fed gratitude is the worst.Worse than having to warn your lovely hosts that you are sugar-free and vegetarian (Note to self: bake a loaf of juice-based bread to bring, and plan to wax poetic about the salad).“I should be more grateful, things aren’t that bad, I don’t deserve to be dissatisfied … what’s wrong with me?”Worse, this pressure to be in a state of gratitude (and the guilt over not being there yet) is only exacerbated by the slew of well-meaning family and friends telling you to Think Positive, Delete Negative Words from your Vocabulary, and offering various other annoyingly know-it-all bits of advice.The good kind of gratitude is the kind that shows up on its own. Out of nowhere you are struck by a glorious sense of remembering.You suddenly remember how cool it is to be alive, how fortunate you are to be living this life of yours, how beautiful it is to be on your crazy, unique, surprising path. Maybe you even recall that you actually can’t stand the word “path”( ewwwwwww), and yet here you are using it anyway. The guilt about eating all that food and having to spend everyday until New Year’s at the gym to make up for it is enough. You come to gratitude on your own, you realize that despite all the holiday fueled guilt, things are going pretty well this year. Your crazy ex finally stopped sending you dead squirrels via fed ex, your drunkle has managed to keep his pants on…wait, scratch that, and at the end of the day you do love your family. Especially this one…now where is that jewelry box?

 

5)Thanksgiving… another pushy holiday: People expect too much on thanksgiving. They think you should be reflecting about your year, thinking about all the good you’ve been blessed with. You are expected to be happy and feel the spirit of the holidays. Well… bah humfuck! I will think about the way my year was, say oh.. I don’t know….THE END OF IT! So things may have been good til now, what if I wreck my car or lose a toe to frost bite? That’s pretty much gonna cancel out the happiness I felt from getting a raise in January. The holidays stress most people out, trying to figure out how the eff you’re going to pay for all those gifts, I mean jesus, try birth control for god’s sake, you have more nieces and nephews than a mormon! It’s all stress fille and unnerving. To top it off you have to venture out into Black Friday just to save a few dollars and risk being trampled to death over a tickle me Elmo. Thankful? No, try hopeful. Hopeful that this year is over soon and the next one brings hookers and lotto winnings, then..and only then..will I be grateful.

 

Happy Thanksgiving everybody! I love the holidays and hope everybody has a great time! Please excuse our surly demeanor, we, love all holidays and winter is my absolute favorite time of year. Be safe and keep coming back!

 

WE SAW IT!

{ November 20, 2009 @ 11:51 pm } · { Uncategorized }
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That’s right ! We saw New Moon today and it was effin amazing! So, please be patient while we try and stop ourselves from screeching like the twihard fan girls we are and decide on what to put in th eblog about said fanfukkintastic movie. Look back over the weekend! We promise it will be worth the wait( that’s what she said).

I went to Memphis for my Birthday and all I got was this stank ass Pillow

{ October 30, 2009 @ 3:07 pm } · { Uncategorized }
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memphis pillow

As some of you, or none of you, know, I am from the sewage drain pipe home of the blues, Memphis TN. Most of my fam and friends still live there even though I have been gone for years. So this past weekend as we celebrated our 27th 19th birthday, some of our friends brought us home for the festivities. Here is the 5 edition of my birthday weekend in Mtown.

1) RedBird: You know how it is, you go out of town and you have to see people. Sometimes those people are ones who you would rather not spend your precious few moments on but whatevs, you do it. So while you and your cohorts are preparing for what will either be really pleasant or excruciatingly painful, your buddy decides you need a safe word. No, not the kind that those sicko dominatrix freaks use, but kinda the same concept. You laugh hysterically as you all throw out ideas, maybe steeple, with pointed fingers, here’s the church, here’s the steeple, open the door and run for your life. Or maybe something obtuse, like red bird. You wind up leaving without ever actually choosing one and when you find yourself at the house that boredom built you start to feel like you need a way out. Then, SAVIOR! You look over and see you homie with pointed steeple fingers, could he be as bored as you are? Who cares? Get it goin, so you utter those two words… RED BIRD. You look over to your bestie and start wildly, loudly, repeating those words hoping that she catches on and before you know it the entire room is staring at you wondering why the eff you keep screaming RED BIRD, FOR CHRIST SAKE, RED BIRD! While your bestie finally realizes what you are talking about, you have collapsed into hysterical fits of laughter, joined by your buddy. She finally snaps to and you all start gathering your shit and making excuses about having to pee, or shower, or be anywhere but here. Thank god for code words. And if you’re reading this and recall a certain group of people in your living room laughing and screaming RED BIRD, rest assured, I’m talking about someone else. No, really.

2) What happens on Beale stays on Beale, and the parking Garage, and the scary ass ride home: We knew we didn’t want to go to the world famous Beale street before we went to Memphis, but we did anyway. Damn persuasive friends. Our girl,and co writer Kimmie was gracious enough to inform us of a lil diddy called a “call a cab”, and sweet jesus, we should have. After the three of us, me, Kimmie, and our bestie dude friend, Luke, consumed around eleventy ten of those strong ass drinks it got hairy. We found ourselves standing outside, smoking cigarettes and laughing at all the weird looking people walkin by. Then, golden moments happened. The kind of hilarity that only ensues when one or more people are drunk and not just a little. While standing outside, partaking in sweet cancer, a latino man came and stood by us. A very large latino man. I said someone among us says ” He looks like a Latino Fat Albert”, as if that wasn’t enough…. it was followed by. HOLA HOLA HOLA, es Grande Alberto! OMG. Our buddy Luke swears that the rude comment made by someone who is definitely not me, was heard. The point is, would he have heard it if Kimmie and Luke weren’t doubled over and crying laughing? I think not. It’s all about discretion people. This is clearly all your fault.

3) Don’t make me get a screw driver: So Saturday was the big day. My birthday. We hung out, did some Red Bird type activities, and Saturday night, had quite the shindig at Kimmie’s humble abode. Lots of people came, but more importantly, lots of liquor came. Lots and lots and lots of liquor. Our girl Sarah W., who is apparently a light weight now, came and we were so excited, hadn’t seen her in like 6 years and it was awesome. As the night went on she got more and more drunk. Here is a pic of her and I together, she’s on the right and her face pretty much says it all013, and of course, despite my smile, I can promise you, all I’m thinking is, ” uh…. please don’t puke in my hair.” She shortly thereafter, locked herself in Kimmie’s bathroom for a new record of 3 hours! You get the drunkest girl there award! Every time we tried to convince her to open the door she would respond with, inna minute! After 3 hours, Luke threatened her with removing the door knob with a screw driver and suddenly she was motivated to let me in.  Then I found her, wasted and half asleep, on the toilet, Elvis style ( like the inadvertent Memphis reference?). After I helped her off to bed so she could sleep it off and we could all pee for god’s sake, we drank lots more and I am ashamed to say, I fell asleep on the couch watching Twilight. Don’t judge me.

4) Is it just me, or is the DD Drunk?: So we’re at my party, it’s good. We’re drunk, as we should be. But…ok, let’s back track for a moment. Have you ever been at a party and had someone invite their friends without really asking you if it was cool? It’s a big no no, don’t be a douche! Truth is you were probably only barely accepted anyway, don’t fuck it up by bringing random people no one but you knows, it’s lamespice.N_E_hoo, such a faux pas was made and one of Luke’s friends thought she should bring a friend to drive her home so that she could fully enjoy the bountiful boos available. Thing is, her DD was drunk on arrival. Not just a little drunk either, the kind that makes you introduce yourself to the same person 17 times in the span of like 5 minutes.  Yes, she was that girl. That drunk girl who doesn’t know where she is but knows it’s a good time. The girl who grabs your ass in the midst of someone taking your picture and when you turn around says ” Hey, I’m Heather.” For future reference, if you can’t remember the other 17 times you intro’d yourself, ass grabbing? Not cool.  And, this is just a suggestion, you might consider callin a cab, cuz your DD isn’t gonna get you home so much as get you dead.

5) Time to go home, where the shit are my pants?: The good time has come to an end. It’s Sunday morning and I have to get up, pack my crap and head out with Luke so that I can catch a hellhound Grey Hound bus back to the SC. My girl Sarah W. wakes up and the first thing she wants to know are where her pants are, she obviously doesn’t remember me taking them so I could wash em, chunks are so last year. I pack up, and we head out. I know I feel slightly, okay REALLY hung over, and am dreading the thought of an 8 hour bus ride back to my lil hometown. As we wait at Luke’s for the bus he finally gives me my gift. An old used, and kinda musky pillow for the ride home. AWWWW, so thoughtful. Now I can sleep on the bus, or not. People, don’t sleep on the bus. Seriously, don’t. There are all kinds of creepy weirdos waiting for a juicy morsel of normal to fuck with the second you pass out. It’s the thought that counts though right? I hugged him and said thank you, and offered to mail him his pillow back( it really smelled), but he said it was cool. Always lookin out for me. All in all, it was a really good time, lots of boos, laughs, and drunken girls acting accordingly. Love it.

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5 worst places to find a mate

{ October 11, 2009 @ 2:05 am } · { Uncategorized }
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 Some of our friends are recently single and some are terminally single. As we watch them from the man we’re chained to our happy marriage, we have noticed that they seem to be looking for love in all the wrong places.

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No way are they going to hook up like that and if they do it will prolly result in a trip to a doctor resulting in cream of some sort. Because we are the loyal and loving friends that we are we decided to send them a lil list of what we consider to be the worst places to hook up so they can save themselves from heartache…… and syphilis.

 

 

1) Bars, making ugly people cute for a millenium: Look, we all know I keepz it real soo let’s try to not be offended when I say this: YOU ARE DUMB. Let’s face it, Mr. Right isn’t gonna be at Denim and Diamonds or what the shit ever hole in the wall bar you frequent. And if you’re looking for the girl of your dreams she’s prolly not gonna be at the dive bar gettin drunk and singin Garth Brooks along with the jukebox or riding a mechanical bull. If you are interested in anything longer than the time it takes to clear up the clap then you should probably try broadening your horizons a bit. I’m just saying, if you want love it probably isn’t going to include the girl who blew you in a dumpster.

 

 

2) We be clubbin: Or we be….ahh fuk it. The club is a dangerous place for single people. Doubt it? Okay, let’s examine the facts: There is dark lighting. The kind that prevents you from seeing how truly fug the person you’re talking to at the bar is. Before you know it you’re ankle deep in garbage with some horrendous hose beast tryin to get your pants off. Not good. They serve alcohol. Bad again, I can pretty much sum it up with 2 words here folks: beer goggles. You think you have Megan Foxx and you wind up with Kirstie Ally. Scary but true kids. Staying away from clubs is a must when searching for your soul mate. You never want to wake up with a hangover AND an uggo.

 

3) Online: Helping Psychos find victims for over a decade: This internet dating craze is just that… crazy. What the fuzz knuckle are you people thinking?Why would sharing details with a stranger sound good to you? Would you just walk up to some random person on the street and be like ” Hi, My name is Gina and I like long walks on the beach and classical music.” No, you wouldn’t. It would be stupid and dangerous. You wouldn’t want Joe Blow stalker freak off the street to have your number or know what you looked like. Why would you give that info to someone who you have never met? RE-DONK. Besides, everybody knows that it’s all fat trekkies anyway.

 

4) They tried to make me go to rehab and I said hey you’re hot: Why is it when junkies check into rehab they find love? Are you fucking serious right now? Rehab? Like you don’t have enough shit going on already. I mean you’re at the low point in your life, a junkie. Now you think that, what, God sent you there to find love? No sweetie, he didn’t. And sobriety isn’t a more the merrier kind of scenario. When have you ever heard someone say ” You know what would be awesome? Another junkie!” Stop using rehab as your personal dating service, it’s weird. More importantly it’s doomed and in the meantime who knows how many times the 2 of you will swap out BJ duty so you can buy rock before you decide to get sober again.

 

 

 

5) Church, nuff said: If you’re at church and you bring home that special someone, how do you do it? You can’t really be yourself can you? You can’t tell them that you have this fetish involving feet and puppets can you? These are god fearing people we’re talking about. Is it even appropriate to try and holla at somebody in church? You all know how the lord feels about fornication and dirty thoughts. What if he heard you and thought you were thinking those thoughts about the lord almighty God. How do you think Jesus would feel if he thought you wanted to finally try golden showers with him? Not good I’ll tell you.All I’m saying is eternal damnation is a long time to be sorry about trying to get some play.

5 Reasons I hate Jon Gosselin

{ October 9, 2009 @ 10:09 pm } · { Uncategorized }
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5

Like much of the country, I hate Jon Gosselin. Not just the kind of hate that really means a general dislike either, real hate. Maybe it’s because he’s a cheater or a thief, or a shitty father. Who knows with all the many things he does that inspire hate in even the most forgiving of people? Here are our five reasons, although, if it wouldn’t totally break this whole 5 thing we have going on, we would list ALOT more.

 

1) Jon Gosselin renders sane women blind, deaf, and dumb: Why is it that when it comes to Jon G women act as if they are completely devoid of sense and senses? First Kate, who, might I say, I think is a crazy ass control freak but a genius in the terms of securing financial security for the family, lost her damn mind and married this pudgy pushover. Then she had a whole shit load of kids with him when she had to know he was a douche bag. I mean let’s face it, who doesn’t know, on some level, that their man is a d-bag?  Then he convinced the nanny to hook up with his ass when she already knew what was going on in his house and his life. Then again with a journalist, a GOSSIP journalist! Why are they all acting like they can’t see his bloated stomach or acne? Like they don’t know what he’s been up to or that he pulls more poon than R-Patz at a Twilight convention. I mean come on ladies, and I use the term loosely, don’t think that his hoe hopping is going to stop because of you! He has 8 kids, a crazy ex, and millions of dollars, he ain’t looking to hitch himself to anything but Ed Hardy and a big ole box of clap cream.

 

2) You got my money bitch?: Recent reports have surfaced suggesting that Jon emptied the joint bank account held between himself and his soon to be ex Kate. Seriously? You really thought that at this point it was a rational thing to do to take ALL of the money and leave the person raising your 8 kids with a grand? Wow, here’s a tip Jon, Google yourself. See what the world thinks of you. You’re not fooling anyone, we all hate you and I’m pretty sure that at some point in the very near future your kids will too. Lemme try and help you on your road to redemption. Here are some tips, 1) stop banging sluts, it’s bad for your image and your balls. 2) Spend less time wearing Ed Hardy and smoking cigs and more time buying Proactive for your yuckface and seeing your kids. 3) GET A JOB! You have 8 kids and divorce is coming hon, child support on all of those midgets is gonna be costly, maybe you should try condom endorsements, it’s obvious you didn’t use them in the past but we’re all hoping you are now!

 

 

3) What was your name again?: On his eldest children’s birthday he misspelled one of their names on the cake. Let’s just put it out there, no funny banter needed. It’s that kind of blatant douche baggery that makes me hate you Jon! Let’s be real here, you know that those kids are the only reason anyone even knows who you are or ever gave a shit in the first place. So now you can’t remember how to spell their name? Really? I bet when your check comes you always remember whose name is supposed to go on it! Try some decency, it might help people hate you less. If I were you I would just go to some 3rd world country, send in my child support checks and hope to geez nobody figures out where I am. And hey, there are always hot tribal bitches looking for a man with a few goats to knock them up and leave them holding the baby bag. Stick to what you know!

 

4) Just because: Some things are easy. Hating foreign dictators, hoping for world peace, and hating you. You embody all the things that women hate. You are a cheater, a liar, a shitty lazy father, UGLY, a tacky dresser, and a thief. If you wanted people to like you you sure are going about it the wrong way. You have to think honey, why would anyone like you?  What are you doing that people might find endearing? Banging sluts? Taking money from your own kids? Shamelessly whoring yourself out to the media? Yeah, no one likes any of that. Hire an image consultant for christ’s sake! When you go out in public just shut the fuck up already! Every time you talk you give us something else to hate you for. Maybe consider dumping the jobless pot smoking 20 something stupid shit Hailey that you seem to be so fond of. All I can say is you just being you is enough reason to give you a good swift kick in your nuts followed by a punch in the face.

 

 

5) Yeah….um….we can see you: You seem to be popping up on tv and saying things like ” People don’t know the whole story” and ” I’m just misunderstood”. Um….. no. You’re not. WE CAN SEE YOU ASSHOLE. All those pictures of you running around with random bitches and smoking and partying on yacts and shit, um, yeah, that’s you. It’s hard to misinterpret a picture of you sans meal tickets on a boat with that one slut drinking champagne while your WIFE is home with 8 effing kids. You’re not fooling us! We see you out there and we see the whole picture. You are a DOUCHE BAG, YOU ARE A MAN WHORE, YOU ARE A SHITTY LAY ABOUT FATHER. These are the facts honey, the sooner you accept it and try to change the sooner women across the country will not vomit and consider sterilization at the mention of your name.

5 reasons you may need to change

{ September 28, 2009 @ 1:49 am } · { Uncategorized }
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z52011561

 

 

Hi ! Long time no blog! It’s been a hot minute since we posted anything, the VMAS even, can you believe it? We got a nasty taste of Karma when we were uncerimoniously smacked down by the effin swine flu and it’s taken us a while to recover. BUT we’re back! And I don’t know about you guys but I defs need a little walk on the side of hilarity so here are our 5 reasons why you may need to change. Maybe you are in the crossroads of life asking yourself the age old question… stripper pole or med school? Or maybe you have recently decided that if your boss asks you to blow him one more time you’re looking for a new job, either way change may be in the cards and here is why.

 

 

1) Your boyfriend’s back….. and you hate that dick: The first sign that you need to change your current relationship status is if you aren’t happy when they come home. You just know the second he hits the door he’s gonna start in about work or the house or some shiz and if you have to sit through one more second of his bitching you very well might stab him in the eye with a pencil. On one hand, you always wanted to be on the news, on the other you’re way too pretty for prison. Ahh life’s little dilemmas. Of course you could see yourself with him for another thousand years( cuz that’s how long it feels like) but why? You hate this a-hole so it’s time for change. Ditch the douche and hop on to the first piece-o-sexy that crosses your path. Yes you will look like a delirious slut but what the eff? You know what they say, the quickest way to get over a guy is to get under a new one.

 

 

2)You need money and your boobs are way too saggy to climb the pole: You and your ex are splitsville and the alot of things have changed, except your rent. It’s still the same except you’re paying all of it now instead of having that stupid dick help you. You know you have to do something to bring in some cash but let’s face it, you had a baby or too and your boobs just aren’t as rockin as they used to be. You realize with a certain sadness that it’s time to pack up your clear heels and give up the pole cuz you’re a bit too old for that now. The only thing left to do is holla at your homie who works at the local Hooters restaurant and start slingin wings. If you think about it, you’re kinda like a sad old lady superhero, by day a conservative corporate climber, by night a hot wing slinger in booty shorts. Hey, what ever you need to tell yourself.

 

3) You want to move forward and your friends are running screaming in the other direction: Everyone hits a point in life when they decide it’s time to grow up and make changes. You are sothere. You know that major changes are necessary and that you have to make tough choices so you can be the grown up you always wanted to be ( you even bought big boy undies!). When you start to tell your pals about the new you all they have to say is negative garbage. LAME. They ask you what you think you’re going to accomplish by doing all this or if there is some sexy cougar you’re trying to hook up with cuz no way are you an adult. Sorry, no way. You decide that you are going to keep your plans in motion but be quiet about it, you’ll show those little people. As time passes you start to notice things, they sure are partying alot, in fact you have been the happy recipient of several drunken phone calls where your homie proceeds to cry about their dog that died….. in 8th grade. You see that they are out regularly whoring around with slutty loser types that have nothing to offer a mature adult. Well my friend here comes the ugly chic they sent to your house last night  truth: You need new friends. It’s clear that you have ideas about what it means to be an adult and responsible and while you will defs miss the bar hopping, drunken one night stands, and trips to the store the next day for you tube of Charlie Sheen’s clap cream, you have to move on. You know that adults don’t spend their time at bars or riding mechanical bulls. You know that all those random meaningless hook ups are pointless, what you need is someone you can build a future with. Besides that your doctor told you that another case of itchy nuts and your junk might just fall off. How are you gonna convince the girl next door to marry you if you have to explain the lack of junk due to excessive hoe humping? The future’s so bright I gotta wear shades.

 

4) People aren’t so much impressed with your youthful bluntness as they are pissed off at the mouthy old lady: When you were younger you said what was on your mind, you spoke the truth and were loved for it. You were known for your brutal honesty and it was something you prided yourself on. You were great to the people you cared about but god help the unknown masses, they were open targets for your honesty fueled humor. Now that you are getting a little older some folks are less and less amused by your commentary. So you called someone a desperate mess, it’s funny cuz it’s true. Or not, they made a point of telling you politely to go fuck yourself, only they made sure not to curse because it’s rude to cuss out old peoplethey are really nice and you have them all wrong. It seems to be a pretty common theme lately that people don’t appreciate all that honesty you have anymore. They want you to be docile and sweet. No more crazy you with the mouth and the quick witted retorts. No thanks. Maybe it’s time to change your ways. You should go ahead and face it, you’re rude. They don’t like it. Being brutally honest is not a pass to be shitty to people. But….. are they new here? They should know that no matter how old you get you will always keepz it real. You will call sad girls desperate and tell them they are behaving like confused overly horny teenagers. You’re gonna tell that girl at the mall her outfit looks like it was made from 100% camel toe and they can eat ass if they don’t like it. You may be getting older but you can’t teach an old dog… or some shit.

 

 

 

5) Your name’s bennett and you ain’t in it: Conflict conflict everywhere. It seems like all your peeps are going through dramaz in their lives and while you love them you just don’t want o deal with their shiz. It’s taxing and after all, it’s not your drama. YOu know that it’s time to take a step back when you find yourself worked up into a frenzy over your bestie bangin the bar doorman cuz firstly, you don’t give a flying fuck, and secondly..you’re a fan of some strange, no hating necessary. Your friends all call you for advice and a shoulder to cry on and you love that they can rely on you and trust you but maybe it’s time to stop all that. You have a slew of crazy badness going on in your own life and it hasn’t escaped your attention that they can’t be bothered to listen when your world is crashing. Better to have your own drama than deal with everyone else’s. At least you know who to yell at and blame all your problems on then. You decide a change is needed.No more being their crying shoulder, you’ll be focusing on your own messes for now and the next time some one calls you with their dramz you are gonna tell them that their friendship is like a prison….on the planet bullshit……in the galaxy of this sucks camel dicks. Put that in your pipe and smoke it.

Our Vmas post, and yes there are 5

{ September 14, 2009 @ 11:02 pm } · { Uncategorized }
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5pinkSo I know I watched the MTV Vma’s last night and I am fairly certain most of you did too so here are our 5 most fave or seriouslyhated moents from the show and yes people, we are going to comment on Kanye.

 

1) For old men you kinda kick ass: GREEN DAY BITCHES! I loved their performance last night. Yes I realize that they are not really old men ( if they are I’m old too) but it was crazy to realize that they were first on the VMA”s 15 friggin years ago. And I have always had this weird fantasty about being at a rock show and getting asked to come on stage, although I have to admit that if I were in the close proximity of Billy Joe Armstrong like those lucky peeps were last night there is no way I would have gotten off stage with less than a chunk of his hair and having grabbed his junk at least once. What? When fate throws you in to something you have to take it and run with it, even if that means molesting a rock star on national television.

 

 

2) Russell Brand is like the english version of Dane Cook, only funny: Russell, Russell you crazy ass perv. As always he was hilarious. Some may have found him to be cras or out of line but that’s what makes him funny. I love how he kept saying he was gonna impregnate Lady GaGa. I loved how he pretty much insulted some of the most important people in music yet never crossed the line and talked shit about MJ (even though he could have and it would have been honest). I also loved how he even talked shit about himself and the ridiculously tight pants he was wearing but never changed clothes. But most of all, I LOVED HIS PANTS. Thank you and please always wear them.

 

3) Kanye West loves Fishsticks : I hate this guy, really.HATE HIM. Let me just say that I am not a huge fan of Taylor Swift, I respect her as a musician but that’s pretty much it. Let me also say that I’m not a big fan of Beyonce, again, respect her artistic gangster but the buck stops there. Then here comes Kanye West, the biggest D-Bag ever and he succeeds in making me do 3 things I thought I never would, 1) Starting to actually give a shit about TSwift, I never did, in fact I recently booed her on the phone while my BFF sang her praises but I found myself last night wanting to hug the poor girl and buy her CD so she would feel better, 2) He made me like Beyonce. In general I think she is over-adored and way too played. The girl is pretty, she has a nice ass, she can half ass sing. I just think that people hang the moon on that chic primarily for her physical attributes and not based on her talent which is well… lacking. Then she pulled this move last night and let TSwift have her moment. Classy and much needed, I think I’ll like you now ya bitch. and 3) Making me hate him more, I hate him, it’s a known fact that I think he is an over confident windbag who should have died in that car accident and who has done nothing but feel entitled to awards he hasn’t earned and rights he doesn’t deserve since he came out and to add to that he went and stole something from some poor little girl who has probably waited her entire life for that moment. YOU SUCK KANYE WEST! Die already, please….. no but really…. DIE.

 

4) OMG It’s the New Moon trailer!!!!: Okay I screeched like a 12 year old girl when it was over. I’ll admit it. I loved every second of that trailer, even the parts that were in no way a part of the book, like Edward gettin tossed around in the Volturri part at the end, WTF was that you bitches? I loved seeing Rob all sexy like and I loved how KSpew tried to hide her mullet by pulling it back. Most of all though, I loved how my son watched the trailer and when Jacob Black turns into a wolf he said ” MOMMY!, Shark Boy just turned into a wolf!” I laughed so hard I peed a little.

 

 

5) Jack Black loves the Devil: Um….. really Jack Black? Are we praying to the devil now? Hmm…. awkward. The best part was that when they flashed to the crowd the audience was actually praying participating in your bad humor! It was at most a joke that wasn’t funny and at the least offensive and shameful. Before you all start to close this blog with the fear that I’ve gon  all Jesus lovin on you stop. I haven’t. Not all religious, not thumpin bibles or dancin with the holy ghost. The thing is though that everyone watches the VMAS, kids included. Maybe praying to Satan on a show you can almost guarantee children are watching is in poor taste, maybe it’s a wicked stupid thing to do even. I would expect more from a parent, I would expect more from a guy who does kid movies. I would expect more from a box of hair or a dead goldfish for that matter, pretty much anyone who has a pulse should have known that was not cool. Cool points lost dude, you are officially an ass.

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