Lots of us have annoying little habits, biting our nails, blowing guys in dumpsters, or maybe telling your friends that their outfit is so small it looks like it’s made out of camel toe and not cotton. Well we here at 5 are all about doing public service blogging so for your 411 here are 5 really annoying things that you have done or might do. Disclaimer: If you read this and continue doing these things then it is totes not our fault if you get slapped, cussed out or have some ex write you hate mail ending it with the loving phrase “dueces bitch.”
1) Don’t ask for my opinion…you don’t want it: You know who you are, one of those people who calls your BFF asking for advice only to get pissed off when they tell you what they think. If you ask me what I think about you staying with your crack smoking cheating hubby don’t be mad when I say he is a big ole bag of assholes and you should leave him. If you want to know what I think about your hair make sure you want the answer. It’s not in most of us to hold back and it is soooo lamespice when you get all angsty over the truth. It may be a cliche but it’s true. The truth usually does hurt, especially when I tell it. I’m gonna tell you your new honey is great but that his snaggle tooth makes me throw up in my mouth a little. I have no problem telling you that you look like the kool-aid man in all that red. And yes folks, I will make it known that your breath smells like rotten garbage on a hot summer day. Just remember, you asked for it.
2) Thank you captain obvious: Don’t you just love when people ask the most obvious questions? I know I do. I love it when I walk into a room dripping wet and someone says “Oh, is it raining?” Seriously? No, it’s not raining, I just stopped to take a dip in the nearest river fully clothed. Or maybe they call you in the middle of the night and when you answer the phone they say “Were you sleeping?” They may even ask “What are you doing?” Uh, sleeping D-bag. It’s 2 am. The real question is why the eff are you calling me this late? If you feel the need to say stupid ass things just to fill the silence you’re better off not saying anything. No one loves a dumb ass. Just sayin.
3) For the love of god put some clothes on: This may be a touchy subject but just roll with it. I am all about self expression. You know, wear what you like, do what ya want. Every now and then some unfortunates just seem to take that to a whole new, nightmare inducing level. Just cuz you can squeeze yourself into it doesn’t mean you should wear it. Now before you get your undies in a bunch hear me out, this is not some tirade about overweight people wearing tight clothing. It’s a tirade about all people wearing wrong clothing. If you have a hairy ass back then maybe you should opt for a shirt that provides you some coverage instead of the wife beater you’re all so fond of. If you’re on the plump side then my suggestion is anything with spandex is a big old no. You may be heading out to the club and decide to wear a dress. If so, don’t get on the mechanical bull and flash your thong to the crowd no matter how cute it is. Guys don’t make passes at girls who flash asses.It’s just some rules to live by. No one wants to see your stomach hanging over the top of your pants or your furry ass crack. Use some common sense and if all else fails a razor.
4) Sure stranger you can talk to my kids: The ladies are soo gonna get this one. Say you find yourself in the holiest of shopping spots, Wal-Mart. You have your way cute kids with you and some crazy ass strangers decide that it might be fun to walk up to you or you child and start talking to them. Especially when you have a small baby people seem to think the creepy strangers rule doesn’t apply. STOP TALKING TO OTHER PEOPLE”S KIDS!! No one wants to have some random a-hole all up in their kid’s face or touching their babies’ toes. Who knows where your hands have been. More importantly I don’t know you and you’re setting off my crazy folks alarm. Back off and stop telling my baby how you could just eat them up or asking them if they want to come home with you. I’m pretty sure if they came home with you I would see your face on Dateline and the thought that some random person might eat them up is terrifying. You are just creepy and it’s never ok to invade people’s space like that. We suggest you get the jizz back before we mace you or pull out our camera phone and take your pic for the po pos.
5) Yeah,they went to the mall..supossably: It’s like nails on a chalkboard. When your pals or co-workers or Joe Fuckface on the street says things like that it makes me believe in violence. There has to be at least one person in your life that has told you that what you just said makes you sound like you have the IQ of a box of hair. Let’s try this, only use words you can spell. Now now, I do realize that would cut the use of words in the english language down but if people are going to use them like that eff it. I hate having a conversation with some one I regard as intelligent and then hear them utter something like irregardless. I can guarantee if you’re a man it’s a deal breaker. You say dramastically and you’ll be lucky if I don’t hit you in the face with my stiletto. To use words like that and be an adult is just ridiculous. If you can’t talk without butchering the english language then shush already and leave the speaking to those of us who have gotten through the 3rd grade.
For a long list of hilarious other annoying things people say or do check out http://www.angelfire.com/ri/flamingeggplant/Annoying.html