I have the most loyal friends in the world. They are always there for me, they share their cheetos, even when they are soo stoned they can’t stop laughing at the carpet, and they have been around for so long that they love me unconditionally, even when I blog about their beanie babies collection, or their crack smokin husbands (sorry girls!). Here are 5 ways to know if your friend is a true BFF or just a stragler you can’t shake.
1) No mission is too great: Ahh the good old days, teenage years of smokin cigs behind your parents back and finding new and inventive ways to buy them. You are underage and all, but why should that stop you from stunting your growth and gettin you some much needed cancer? So, when your fake ID isn’t workin anymore and you need a smoke, your bestie will volunteer to break into her piggy bank. The cute pink one she’s had since birth, and help you get cash for smokes. Once you have violated the little piggy, you realize you still can’t actually purchase them, what to do? Of course your homie has the answer! Call the local take out taxi, they go whereever you want and buy your food then bring it to you, just include a pack of Marlboro’s in your order and in less than an hour voila! Cancer. She is such a genius, how could you ever forget it? Years from now, when you have a tube in your throat and have to write down your thoughts since you can’t speak anymore, she’ll be there, blowin you shotguns so you can get your fix.
2) They always have your back: I’m sure you’ve all seen it, that christmas movie where the kid sticks his tongue to a pole and it gets stuck. One day, you and your bestie are walikng around your apartments, it’s cold outside, night time in the dead of winter and there is frost on the ground. Of course you feel brave tonight, a certain rank smellin neighbor boy smoked the sweet gonja with you and you just know if you stuck your tongue to a pole that it wouldn’t stick. It would be hilarious, and you would earn major cool points for bravery. So you do it, and it gets stuck. You are panicking and with much effort, you tell her to ” guh geh some hot wawa”. At first she can’t stop laughing at you, but eventually she runs to that damn neighbor boy’s house and finds no one is home. Oh man, she has to go back to your house, and there’s no way your mom is letting her out of the house without asking why she’s carrying a big pan full of hot water. She runs off leaving you standing there,w ith your face stuck to a pole, hoping with all your heart your hot boyfriend doesn’t come over and find you like that, oh please god, please hurry. After an eternity she returns, seeming more than a little excited about pouring that hot water down our face, and oh look, your mom came too. She tells you later how she tried to hurry but just couldn’t stop laughing, she said she even peed a little. What really matters though, is she did it, and then she of course, told everybody.
3) They keep all your secrets: You know some of your friends are the gossipy type, ones who can’t be trusted with gas prices let alone your deepest darkest secrets. Not your bestie though, you tell them everything and they keep it locked up tight, they would never let anything slip and it’s one of the reasons you love them so much. They never even told your parents about the patry you had when your other BFF ( slightly retarded but still a good girl) jumped on your dining room table and broke it, right in half. Thank god one of the boys had some knowledge of carpentry. That’s right, she never said a word, she just held her breath everytime there was a holiday and hoped to god the table didn’t collapse.
4) They’re always ready to give you good advice: Your friend is the shiz. They never falter when it’s crunch time and you need advice. What should you do about your relationship? How do you hide your report card from your parents? Do they think you can juggle a few dozen guys without getting caught? They always have answers for you. When you and your other pal decide, one hot sunny summer afternoon, to have a water fight that somehow stretched into your house and completely trashed it, they will call you. And of course, being the friend you are, you are ready to give them helpful, well thought out advice, so they can still come over tomorrow. When they tell you about what they’ve done you have the perfect solution, tell your mom your house was broken into! Go around and trash stuff, hide things, and then call your mom and tell her that’s how you found the place! No one will be the wiser. She thinks you are a genius, as well she should. So when she does this, and then her mom calls the police subsequently resulting in her being totally busted and almost hauled off to the clinker, she never tells anyone you told her to do it, that’s what friends are for.
5) Honesty is key: This again is another big one on the list because it signifies the level of connectedness of the relationship. A true friend will not keep information from you even though it’s something that you might not want to hear or that might hurt you, if they felt it was the right thing to do. They will tell you your boyfreind hit on them, they’ll tell you those pants make you r ass look huge, and that it’s because your ass actually is huge. They’ll even tell you when your obnoxious know it all self has crossed the line byblogging about their personal shiz on your wanna be LTR site. And of course, you’ll respect them for that, and their trust in your friendship. Of course you understand, you’re their friend, but maybe, in the interest of honesty, you tell them that if they weren’t so hilariously tragic you wouldn’t write about them. I mean come on, how can you pass up the opportunity to rag on their beanie baby collection, or the crack headed mess their husband is, or how they wear toe socks and flip flops? You tell them, with love of course, that the price of friendship is being blogged about sometimes, and they should keep a sense of humor about it. It’s not like you use their names or anything. Besides, you remember a certain little incident where they told one hot ex of yours about you sticking your tongue to a pole. We’ll just call it even.