We’ve all had one, a guy/girl who just doesn’t get it. You’re not into them, After you use the classics, “It’s not you , it’s me” or “We’re better off as friends” they are still hangin around, calling you and leaving obnoxious voicemails on your phone where they talk like a baby and tell you how much they “wuv” you. Here are some sure fire ways to get the point across, by any means neccessary.
1) Scratch your junk… alot: You may have made a mistake taking this girl out again, she has after all been calling you non-stop for the last week. Even after many attempts to tell her you just don’t want to see her again, ever, and that her particular brand of crazy is just not appealing to you, you’ve run out of options. Do I have an answer for you? Of course I do. SCRATCH YOUR JUNK! Take her to a nice restaurant, maybe with a few of her friends, and then scratch for all your might. Every few minutes reach down and give your stuff a real good itchin. Maybe throw in a comment about how that cream does not work like your doctor said it would. At the end of the meal, just to seal the deal, go to shake hands with her friends and stop mid shake to scratch those pesky crabs that will not stop biting you. I guarantee she will never call you again.
2) Fart constantly: No-one enjoys a gassy companion. If your unwanted honey won’t back off, fart for all your worth! Wave it in thier faces, laugh about it in public. When you’re in the car together lock the windows so there is no escape. And eat LOTS of beans. Meet the parents and blow the roof off the joint with your funny little surprises. Women hate being embarassed and men hate girls who fart. These are known facts people. No get out there and stink it up!!
3)Talk in an English accent: There is nothing sexier than a foreign accent. It’s a sure fire way to up your hotness, but what if you’re trying to become less appealing in hopes of pushing away some scary stalker type? Accents work both ways!! Start off slowly, slipping in some random English phrases, like pip pip cheerio maybe. Just suggestions folks, it’s what I do. Then start using your new found British accent more frequently, on the phone, on dates, whenever the mood strikes. When you psycho sweetie finaly asks what in the flying fuck you’re doing, DENY DENY DENY. You have no idea what they are talking about, accent? What accent? Maybe suggest they not have that other cocktail they just ordered. Eventually, people will start to believe one of two things, You are bat shit crazy, or being with you is making them bat shit crazy,. Either way, they’ll be running for the hills.
4) Call them by your ex’s name: I’m sure at some point you may have slipped up and called someone the wrong name. It happens to the best of us. Have you ever considered doing it on purpose? Try calling that drunken night gone bad by your exes name, then say ” I’m sorry , that’s my exes name.” Continue on your convo and keep doing it!! If they bring it to your attention apologize, but don’t stop. After a while they may start to think you’re not over that ex, or they may just think you’re an asshole. But what do you care? If they’re gone, that’s all that counts right? Then all you have to worry about is why it burns when you pee.
5) Go gay, really gay: We women love gay men, they make the best friends, all the good stuff about guys and girls rolled up into one sassy package. And they never try to hit on you. It’s great. However, you wouldn’t want your man to be gay. In fact, most women have a secret fear that maybe their man is a lil too sweet. I’m sure you’ve found yourself staring at your honey after he told your your shoes didn’t match your bag and questioning, even for just a second, how much he really liked women. So this time, you have to gay it up fellas. Start snapping your fingers and saying “girlfriend!” whenever you can. When she takes you to see Twilight for the thousandth time, tell her you totally get why she thinks Rob is sooo hot. You may even say ” I’d let you blow him in a dumpster, but only if I could watch.” See how that suits her, she will be questioning your manhood in no time. Women have enough to worry about with other girls trying to bone their sweeties, having to worry about competition from men is not something we want. If she questions you about your behavior, simply respond, ” Everybody experiments in college, I just liked it more” She’ll be gone and you’ll be free to go chasin honeys with your boys. Just be wary, you may have your very own fag hag afterward.
A big welcome to our new co-author Kimmie !! Welcome to the nut house girl. Also, we would like to say that we never intend to offend people so try and be openminded. If we do offend you, TOO BAD. We reserve the right to say whatever the hell we want and if you’re squeamish I suggest you brace yourself or stop reading. This humble little blog is just for shits and giggles.