We have all done it..god nows I have. In fact, I’ve probably done it to
you someone you know. I suppose it’s a part of human curiosity that we snoop. You find yourself looking through people’s phones in their absence and trying to justify the naked pics of Bea Arthur they have saved as their cells wall paper. You may look through their pockets while they take a shower and deny the major creep out that happens when you find that in their wallet is a note from their mom written in 1997 reminding them to change their underwear before boy scouts. There are some things though that just cannot be explained away. No amount of understanding makes them ok and after you find these accursed objects you know that at the least you need to run, at most..to the nearest free clinic.\
1) I’m beginning to feel less than fresh: In the spirit of equality we have decided to start this thing off with a warning for the men folk. Let’s say you have met some sexy lil thang..the two of you have had the most romantic dinner at Applebee’s 25 bucks can buy and after really going all out (yes those were genuine silk roses), she has decided to let you into er naughty jungle of love. So of course after some heavy petting and the threat of your dangly bits turning smurfy colors it appears that the moment has finally come. You rush off to the bathroom to freshen your breathe and run a rag across the fellas in case there is some mouth action in your future. As the sink fills with hot water you decide to peak at the classy lady’s medicine cabinet and see what you can see. GASP! There, in the very front, in plain sight, it sits. It’s the worst, the most wretched…it’s so bad you dare not speak it’s name. It’s voldemort. Summer’s Eve. Not just your run of the mill eve either..the bottle says feminine deodorant..wait, deODORant? That means there are odors, odors that are currently being hidden by this devil spray. Immediately the mouse goes back in the house and you know that it doesn’t matter how blue things get, you ain’t doin it. It ain’t happening and you have to make a hasty escape lest your delicate senses be assaulted. As you are sliding out the bathroom window without your shoes some things occur to you. The first, that you can’t trust yourself to be a good judge of people after drinking half a bottle of windex on a dare. The second being that you should have known something was wrong when you kept smelling fish even though you both had salad at that magical panty dropper applebee’s. Mostly though you realize that if you wanna get laid for sure next time cleaning your junk is folly because, obviously, if you smell you won’t notice the filth of the skank you are banging.
2) It Looks like the fortress of solitude..: I’m a girl, as you all know. Listen closely men as I am about to welcome you into the secret world of women. We are sneaky, some may even say nosy. You can bet that we are looking through your shit asap and without remorse. We want to know everything we can so that we have info to report back to our friends. After all they will be the ones launching a full scale investigation. It’s in that spirit that you should know we will be all up in your bathroom bidness the VERY FIRST TIME we are in your house.In your favor, roommates often provide the shadow of doubt that keeps us seeing you. So when your girlfriend finds your valtrex prescription in the WC she may be able to pray that your skeezy roomie has crotch rot and not her snugglepants.But friends, i Must give ou this advice: if you plan on passing off that gerps cream then dropping trou before your outbreak is over is a bad plan. When she gets a gander at the crystalline formation all over your meat and two veg she’s gonna be gone. So fellas, follow the example of our old friend here at Aquired Taste Charlie Sheen.. get em attached before you reveal your tiger blood.
3) WTF is Bourdreaux’s Butt Paste Dude? : The obvious perpetrator of the medicine cabinet invasions are your signif others. Dates and the like seem to be the only people you have to be wary of seeing the hidden shame you hide in the throne room but alas, this is not true. Just as your fave boner buddy may be too curious, so may your friends be. These are the friends who love to fuck with you about anything they can. The friends who you love/hate because they have an uncanny ability to find out then expose things about you that you wish were otherwise all your own. So if they go exploring in your terlet one day and find that you have baby diaper rash cream, trust me..it’s gonna get ugly. Listen, we all know that buttcracks get sweaty. It’s a disgusting part of life. We know that you work in construction or roofing or some other moisture producing field but bro…baby diaper rash cream? If you think that’s gonna go without a word you’re wrong. In fact I think it’s a certainty that the VERY next time you and that friend are in public chasing vag like you two do, he will be sure to ask how the rash on your ass is coming along. All is fair in friendship and poon chasin pal, more importantly..you shoulda known better than to leave that anywhere it could be found. Lesson learned we hope..as for the new facebook group entitled ” The guy with booty flu”, well…all we can say is we are sorry and as soon as your mom accepts our request we’ll take your picture down.
4) Two and half men..Minus two.: Safe sex is a must what with Charlie Sheen being single and on the loose again. It seems like keeping condoms handy would say to your potential lovah ” I’m responsible and clean.” Sadly, just the condoms themselves can be enough to run off your honey while they do a combination of laughing/texting/crying all at once. It may be a good idea to keep the size extra extra small condoms in the bedside table at your place so that when she decides to do that sexy move where she comes out of the bathroom nekkid and holding a raincoat it doesn’t end in humiliation..for you. Girls talk and trust me if she finds those baby peter rubbers in your cabinet she’s telling everybody. Not only are you not scoring with her, she may make it impossible to score with any other girl unless you relocate to a different state. Face it, no one likes a teeny peter, not even dudes with teeny peters. o it’s best to try and keep that sadness under wraps as long as you can.
5) I Cracked a blanket in half: Everybody has to tickle their own pickle sometimes. It’s a part of life and we all do it (EVEN YOU!). The thing is, there is such a thing a masturbatory decorum. For instance, you don’t leave your lube out in the living room when you know your grandma is coming over for dinner. You take out the dvd of back door sluts nine before you babysit your little cousin. You keep these things in your sock drawer like the rest of the civilized world. You certainly don’t hide your copy of the acclaimed magazine ” Boobs, ass, and man junk” in your medicine cabinet. It’s gross, people snoop. You’re asking to get busted. You hide your KY warming “massage” oil because your ass is single so no one is buying it. You’re massaging you and we are grossed out. Have a little class. If you store nothing but astroglide, a crusty sock, and a picture of oscar the grouch (don’t judge me) in your cabinets it pretty much says “welcome to the spank bank”. Be an adult, wack off in private for christ’s sake and for the love of all things holy….tell charlie sheen we can see him behind your shower curtain.