I went to Memphis for my Birthday and all I got was this stank ass Pillow

{ October 30, 2009 @ 3:07 pm } · { Uncategorized }
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memphis pillow

As some of you, or none of you, know, I am from the sewage drain pipe home of the blues, Memphis TN. Most of my fam and friends still live there even though I have been gone for years. So this past weekend as we celebrated our 27th 19th birthday, some of our friends brought us home for the festivities. Here is the 5 edition of my birthday weekend in Mtown.

1) RedBird: You know how it is, you go out of town and you have to see people. Sometimes those people are ones who you would rather not spend your precious few moments on but whatevs, you do it. So while you and your cohorts are preparing for what will either be really pleasant or excruciatingly painful, your buddy decides you need a safe word. No, not the kind that those sicko dominatrix freaks use, but kinda the same concept. You laugh hysterically as you all throw out ideas, maybe steeple, with pointed fingers, here’s the church, here’s the steeple, open the door and run for your life. Or maybe something obtuse, like red bird. You wind up leaving without ever actually choosing one and when you find yourself at the house that boredom built you start to feel like you need a way out. Then, SAVIOR! You look over and see you homie with pointed steeple fingers, could he be as bored as you are? Who cares? Get it goin, so you utter those two words… RED BIRD. You look over to your bestie and start wildly, loudly, repeating those words hoping that she catches on and before you know it the entire room is staring at you wondering why the eff you keep screaming RED BIRD, FOR CHRIST SAKE, RED BIRD! While your bestie finally realizes what you are talking about, you have collapsed into hysterical fits of laughter, joined by your buddy. She finally snaps to and you all start gathering your shit and making excuses about having to pee, or shower, or be anywhere but here. Thank god for code words. And if you’re reading this and recall a certain group of people in your living room laughing and screaming RED BIRD, rest assured, I’m talking about someone else. No, really.

2) What happens on Beale stays on Beale, and the parking Garage, and the scary ass ride home: We knew we didn’t want to go to the world famous Beale street before we went to Memphis, but we did anyway. Damn persuasive friends. Our girl,and co writer Kimmie was gracious enough to inform us of a lil diddy called a “call a cab”, and sweet jesus, we should have. After the three of us, me, Kimmie, and our bestie dude friend, Luke, consumed around eleventy ten of those strong ass drinks it got hairy. We found ourselves standing outside, smoking cigarettes and laughing at all the weird looking people walkin by. Then, golden moments happened. The kind of hilarity that only ensues when one or more people are drunk and not just a little. While standing outside, partaking in sweet cancer, a latino man came and stood by us. A very large latino man. I said someone among us says ” He looks like a Latino Fat Albert”, as if that wasn’t enough…. it was followed by. HOLA HOLA HOLA, es Grande Alberto! OMG. Our buddy Luke swears that the rude comment made by someone who is definitely not me, was heard. The point is, would he have heard it if Kimmie and Luke weren’t doubled over and crying laughing? I think not. It’s all about discretion people. This is clearly all your fault.

3) Don’t make me get a screw driver: So Saturday was the big day. My birthday. We hung out, did some Red Bird type activities, and Saturday night, had quite the shindig at Kimmie’s humble abode. Lots of people came, but more importantly, lots of liquor came. Lots and lots and lots of liquor. Our girl Sarah W., who is apparently a light weight now, came and we were so excited, hadn’t seen her in like 6 years and it was awesome. As the night went on she got more and more drunk. Here is a pic of her and I together, she’s on the right and her face pretty much says it all013, and of course, despite my smile, I can promise you, all I’m thinking is, ” uh…. please don’t puke in my hair.” She shortly thereafter, locked herself in Kimmie’s bathroom for a new record of 3 hours! You get the drunkest girl there award! Every time we tried to convince her to open the door she would respond with, inna minute! After 3 hours, Luke threatened her with removing the door knob with a screw driver and suddenly she was motivated to let me in.  Then I found her, wasted and half asleep, on the toilet, Elvis style ( like the inadvertent Memphis reference?). After I helped her off to bed so she could sleep it off and we could all pee for god’s sake, we drank lots more and I am ashamed to say, I fell asleep on the couch watching Twilight. Don’t judge me.

4) Is it just me, or is the DD Drunk?: So we’re at my party, it’s good. We’re drunk, as we should be. But…ok, let’s back track for a moment. Have you ever been at a party and had someone invite their friends without really asking you if it was cool? It’s a big no no, don’t be a douche! Truth is you were probably only barely accepted anyway, don’t fuck it up by bringing random people no one but you knows, it’s lamespice.N_E_hoo, such a faux pas was made and one of Luke’s friends thought she should bring a friend to drive her home so that she could fully enjoy the bountiful boos available. Thing is, her DD was drunk on arrival. Not just a little drunk either, the kind that makes you introduce yourself to the same person 17 times in the span of like 5 minutes.  Yes, she was that girl. That drunk girl who doesn’t know where she is but knows it’s a good time. The girl who grabs your ass in the midst of someone taking your picture and when you turn around says ” Hey, I’m Heather.” For future reference, if you can’t remember the other 17 times you intro’d yourself, ass grabbing? Not cool.  And, this is just a suggestion, you might consider callin a cab, cuz your DD isn’t gonna get you home so much as get you dead.

5) Time to go home, where the shit are my pants?: The good time has come to an end. It’s Sunday morning and I have to get up, pack my crap and head out with Luke so that I can catch a hellhound Grey Hound bus back to the SC. My girl Sarah W. wakes up and the first thing she wants to know are where her pants are, she obviously doesn’t remember me taking them so I could wash em, chunks are so last year. I pack up, and we head out. I know I feel slightly, okay REALLY hung over, and am dreading the thought of an 8 hour bus ride back to my lil hometown. As we wait at Luke’s for the bus he finally gives me my gift. An old used, and kinda musky pillow for the ride home. AWWWW, so thoughtful. Now I can sleep on the bus, or not. People, don’t sleep on the bus. Seriously, don’t. There are all kinds of creepy weirdos waiting for a juicy morsel of normal to fuck with the second you pass out. It’s the thought that counts though right? I hugged him and said thank you, and offered to mail him his pillow back( it really smelled), but he said it was cool. Always lookin out for me. All in all, it was a really good time, lots of boos, laughs, and drunken girls acting accordingly. Love it.

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5 worst places to find a mate

{ October 11, 2009 @ 2:05 am } · { Uncategorized }
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 Some of our friends are recently single and some are terminally single. As we watch them from the man we’re chained to our happy marriage, we have noticed that they seem to be looking for love in all the wrong places.

th_5CATSN9I1                                     

 

No way are they going to hook up like that and if they do it will prolly result in a trip to a doctor resulting in cream of some sort. Because we are the loyal and loving friends that we are we decided to send them a lil list of what we consider to be the worst places to hook up so they can save themselves from heartache…… and syphilis.

 

 

1) Bars, making ugly people cute for a millenium: Look, we all know I keepz it real soo let’s try to not be offended when I say this: YOU ARE DUMB. Let’s face it, Mr. Right isn’t gonna be at Denim and Diamonds or what the shit ever hole in the wall bar you frequent. And if you’re looking for the girl of your dreams she’s prolly not gonna be at the dive bar gettin drunk and singin Garth Brooks along with the jukebox or riding a mechanical bull. If you are interested in anything longer than the time it takes to clear up the clap then you should probably try broadening your horizons a bit. I’m just saying, if you want love it probably isn’t going to include the girl who blew you in a dumpster.

 

 

2) We be clubbin: Or we be….ahh fuk it. The club is a dangerous place for single people. Doubt it? Okay, let’s examine the facts: There is dark lighting. The kind that prevents you from seeing how truly fug the person you’re talking to at the bar is. Before you know it you’re ankle deep in garbage with some horrendous hose beast tryin to get your pants off. Not good. They serve alcohol. Bad again, I can pretty much sum it up with 2 words here folks: beer goggles. You think you have Megan Foxx and you wind up with Kirstie Ally. Scary but true kids. Staying away from clubs is a must when searching for your soul mate. You never want to wake up with a hangover AND an uggo.

 

3) Online: Helping Psychos find victims for over a decade: This internet dating craze is just that… crazy. What the fuzz knuckle are you people thinking?Why would sharing details with a stranger sound good to you? Would you just walk up to some random person on the street and be like ” Hi, My name is Gina and I like long walks on the beach and classical music.” No, you wouldn’t. It would be stupid and dangerous. You wouldn’t want Joe Blow stalker freak off the street to have your number or know what you looked like. Why would you give that info to someone who you have never met? RE-DONK. Besides, everybody knows that it’s all fat trekkies anyway.

 

4) They tried to make me go to rehab and I said hey you’re hot: Why is it when junkies check into rehab they find love? Are you fucking serious right now? Rehab? Like you don’t have enough shit going on already. I mean you’re at the low point in your life, a junkie. Now you think that, what, God sent you there to find love? No sweetie, he didn’t. And sobriety isn’t a more the merrier kind of scenario. When have you ever heard someone say ” You know what would be awesome? Another junkie!” Stop using rehab as your personal dating service, it’s weird. More importantly it’s doomed and in the meantime who knows how many times the 2 of you will swap out BJ duty so you can buy rock before you decide to get sober again.

 

 

 

5) Church, nuff said: If you’re at church and you bring home that special someone, how do you do it? You can’t really be yourself can you? You can’t tell them that you have this fetish involving feet and puppets can you? These are god fearing people we’re talking about. Is it even appropriate to try and holla at somebody in church? You all know how the lord feels about fornication and dirty thoughts. What if he heard you and thought you were thinking those thoughts about the lord almighty God. How do you think Jesus would feel if he thought you wanted to finally try golden showers with him? Not good I’ll tell you.All I’m saying is eternal damnation is a long time to be sorry about trying to get some play.

5 Reasons I hate Jon Gosselin

{ October 9, 2009 @ 10:09 pm } · { Uncategorized }
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5

Like much of the country, I hate Jon Gosselin. Not just the kind of hate that really means a general dislike either, real hate. Maybe it’s because he’s a cheater or a thief, or a shitty father. Who knows with all the many things he does that inspire hate in even the most forgiving of people? Here are our five reasons, although, if it wouldn’t totally break this whole 5 thing we have going on, we would list ALOT more.

 

1) Jon Gosselin renders sane women blind, deaf, and dumb: Why is it that when it comes to Jon G women act as if they are completely devoid of sense and senses? First Kate, who, might I say, I think is a crazy ass control freak but a genius in the terms of securing financial security for the family, lost her damn mind and married this pudgy pushover. Then she had a whole shit load of kids with him when she had to know he was a douche bag. I mean let’s face it, who doesn’t know, on some level, that their man is a d-bag?  Then he convinced the nanny to hook up with his ass when she already knew what was going on in his house and his life. Then again with a journalist, a GOSSIP journalist! Why are they all acting like they can’t see his bloated stomach or acne? Like they don’t know what he’s been up to or that he pulls more poon than R-Patz at a Twilight convention. I mean come on ladies, and I use the term loosely, don’t think that his hoe hopping is going to stop because of you! He has 8 kids, a crazy ex, and millions of dollars, he ain’t looking to hitch himself to anything but Ed Hardy and a big ole box of clap cream.

 

2) You got my money bitch?: Recent reports have surfaced suggesting that Jon emptied the joint bank account held between himself and his soon to be ex Kate. Seriously? You really thought that at this point it was a rational thing to do to take ALL of the money and leave the person raising your 8 kids with a grand? Wow, here’s a tip Jon, Google yourself. See what the world thinks of you. You’re not fooling anyone, we all hate you and I’m pretty sure that at some point in the very near future your kids will too. Lemme try and help you on your road to redemption. Here are some tips, 1) stop banging sluts, it’s bad for your image and your balls. 2) Spend less time wearing Ed Hardy and smoking cigs and more time buying Proactive for your yuckface and seeing your kids. 3) GET A JOB! You have 8 kids and divorce is coming hon, child support on all of those midgets is gonna be costly, maybe you should try condom endorsements, it’s obvious you didn’t use them in the past but we’re all hoping you are now!

 

 

3) What was your name again?: On his eldest children’s birthday he misspelled one of their names on the cake. Let’s just put it out there, no funny banter needed. It’s that kind of blatant douche baggery that makes me hate you Jon! Let’s be real here, you know that those kids are the only reason anyone even knows who you are or ever gave a shit in the first place. So now you can’t remember how to spell their name? Really? I bet when your check comes you always remember whose name is supposed to go on it! Try some decency, it might help people hate you less. If I were you I would just go to some 3rd world country, send in my child support checks and hope to geez nobody figures out where I am. And hey, there are always hot tribal bitches looking for a man with a few goats to knock them up and leave them holding the baby bag. Stick to what you know!

 

4) Just because: Some things are easy. Hating foreign dictators, hoping for world peace, and hating you. You embody all the things that women hate. You are a cheater, a liar, a shitty lazy father, UGLY, a tacky dresser, and a thief. If you wanted people to like you you sure are going about it the wrong way. You have to think honey, why would anyone like you?  What are you doing that people might find endearing? Banging sluts? Taking money from your own kids? Shamelessly whoring yourself out to the media? Yeah, no one likes any of that. Hire an image consultant for christ’s sake! When you go out in public just shut the fuck up already! Every time you talk you give us something else to hate you for. Maybe consider dumping the jobless pot smoking 20 something stupid shit Hailey that you seem to be so fond of. All I can say is you just being you is enough reason to give you a good swift kick in your nuts followed by a punch in the face.

 

 

5) Yeah….um….we can see you: You seem to be popping up on tv and saying things like ” People don’t know the whole story” and ” I’m just misunderstood”. Um….. no. You’re not. WE CAN SEE YOU ASSHOLE. All those pictures of you running around with random bitches and smoking and partying on yacts and shit, um, yeah, that’s you. It’s hard to misinterpret a picture of you sans meal tickets on a boat with that one slut drinking champagne while your WIFE is home with 8 effing kids. You’re not fooling us! We see you out there and we see the whole picture. You are a DOUCHE BAG, YOU ARE A MAN WHORE, YOU ARE A SHITTY LAY ABOUT FATHER. These are the facts honey, the sooner you accept it and try to change the sooner women across the country will not vomit and consider sterilization at the mention of your name.

5 reasons you may need to change

{ September 28, 2009 @ 1:49 am } · { Uncategorized }
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z52011561

 

 

Hi ! Long time no blog! It’s been a hot minute since we posted anything, the VMAS even, can you believe it? We got a nasty taste of Karma when we were uncerimoniously smacked down by the effin swine flu and it’s taken us a while to recover. BUT we’re back! And I don’t know about you guys but I defs need a little walk on the side of hilarity so here are our 5 reasons why you may need to change. Maybe you are in the crossroads of life asking yourself the age old question… stripper pole or med school? Or maybe you have recently decided that if your boss asks you to blow him one more time you’re looking for a new job, either way change may be in the cards and here is why.

 

 

1) Your boyfriend’s back….. and you hate that dick: The first sign that you need to change your current relationship status is if you aren’t happy when they come home. You just know the second he hits the door he’s gonna start in about work or the house or some shiz and if you have to sit through one more second of his bitching you very well might stab him in the eye with a pencil. On one hand, you always wanted to be on the news, on the other you’re way too pretty for prison. Ahh life’s little dilemmas. Of course you could see yourself with him for another thousand years( cuz that’s how long it feels like) but why? You hate this a-hole so it’s time for change. Ditch the douche and hop on to the first piece-o-sexy that crosses your path. Yes you will look like a delirious slut but what the eff? You know what they say, the quickest way to get over a guy is to get under a new one.

 

 

2)You need money and your boobs are way too saggy to climb the pole: You and your ex are splitsville and the alot of things have changed, except your rent. It’s still the same except you’re paying all of it now instead of having that stupid dick help you. You know you have to do something to bring in some cash but let’s face it, you had a baby or too and your boobs just aren’t as rockin as they used to be. You realize with a certain sadness that it’s time to pack up your clear heels and give up the pole cuz you’re a bit too old for that now. The only thing left to do is holla at your homie who works at the local Hooters restaurant and start slingin wings. If you think about it, you’re kinda like a sad old lady superhero, by day a conservative corporate climber, by night a hot wing slinger in booty shorts. Hey, what ever you need to tell yourself.

 

3) You want to move forward and your friends are running screaming in the other direction: Everyone hits a point in life when they decide it’s time to grow up and make changes. You are sothere. You know that major changes are necessary and that you have to make tough choices so you can be the grown up you always wanted to be ( you even bought big boy undies!). When you start to tell your pals about the new you all they have to say is negative garbage. LAME. They ask you what you think you’re going to accomplish by doing all this or if there is some sexy cougar you’re trying to hook up with cuz no way are you an adult. Sorry, no way. You decide that you are going to keep your plans in motion but be quiet about it, you’ll show those little people. As time passes you start to notice things, they sure are partying alot, in fact you have been the happy recipient of several drunken phone calls where your homie proceeds to cry about their dog that died….. in 8th grade. You see that they are out regularly whoring around with slutty loser types that have nothing to offer a mature adult. Well my friend here comes the ugly chic they sent to your house last night  truth: You need new friends. It’s clear that you have ideas about what it means to be an adult and responsible and while you will defs miss the bar hopping, drunken one night stands, and trips to the store the next day for you tube of Charlie Sheen’s clap cream, you have to move on. You know that adults don’t spend their time at bars or riding mechanical bulls. You know that all those random meaningless hook ups are pointless, what you need is someone you can build a future with. Besides that your doctor told you that another case of itchy nuts and your junk might just fall off. How are you gonna convince the girl next door to marry you if you have to explain the lack of junk due to excessive hoe humping? The future’s so bright I gotta wear shades.

 

4) People aren’t so much impressed with your youthful bluntness as they are pissed off at the mouthy old lady: When you were younger you said what was on your mind, you spoke the truth and were loved for it. You were known for your brutal honesty and it was something you prided yourself on. You were great to the people you cared about but god help the unknown masses, they were open targets for your honesty fueled humor. Now that you are getting a little older some folks are less and less amused by your commentary. So you called someone a desperate mess, it’s funny cuz it’s true. Or not, they made a point of telling you politely to go fuck yourself, only they made sure not to curse because it’s rude to cuss out old peoplethey are really nice and you have them all wrong. It seems to be a pretty common theme lately that people don’t appreciate all that honesty you have anymore. They want you to be docile and sweet. No more crazy you with the mouth and the quick witted retorts. No thanks. Maybe it’s time to change your ways. You should go ahead and face it, you’re rude. They don’t like it. Being brutally honest is not a pass to be shitty to people. But….. are they new here? They should know that no matter how old you get you will always keepz it real. You will call sad girls desperate and tell them they are behaving like confused overly horny teenagers. You’re gonna tell that girl at the mall her outfit looks like it was made from 100% camel toe and they can eat ass if they don’t like it. You may be getting older but you can’t teach an old dog… or some shit.

 

 

 

5) Your name’s bennett and you ain’t in it: Conflict conflict everywhere. It seems like all your peeps are going through dramaz in their lives and while you love them you just don’t want o deal with their shiz. It’s taxing and after all, it’s not your drama. YOu know that it’s time to take a step back when you find yourself worked up into a frenzy over your bestie bangin the bar doorman cuz firstly, you don’t give a flying fuck, and secondly..you’re a fan of some strange, no hating necessary. Your friends all call you for advice and a shoulder to cry on and you love that they can rely on you and trust you but maybe it’s time to stop all that. You have a slew of crazy badness going on in your own life and it hasn’t escaped your attention that they can’t be bothered to listen when your world is crashing. Better to have your own drama than deal with everyone else’s. At least you know who to yell at and blame all your problems on then. You decide a change is needed.No more being their crying shoulder, you’ll be focusing on your own messes for now and the next time some one calls you with their dramz you are gonna tell them that their friendship is like a prison….on the planet bullshit……in the galaxy of this sucks camel dicks. Put that in your pipe and smoke it.

Our Vmas post, and yes there are 5

{ September 14, 2009 @ 11:02 pm } · { Uncategorized }
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5pinkSo I know I watched the MTV Vma’s last night and I am fairly certain most of you did too so here are our 5 most fave or seriouslyhated moents from the show and yes people, we are going to comment on Kanye.

 

1) For old men you kinda kick ass: GREEN DAY BITCHES! I loved their performance last night. Yes I realize that they are not really old men ( if they are I’m old too) but it was crazy to realize that they were first on the VMA”s 15 friggin years ago. And I have always had this weird fantasty about being at a rock show and getting asked to come on stage, although I have to admit that if I were in the close proximity of Billy Joe Armstrong like those lucky peeps were last night there is no way I would have gotten off stage with less than a chunk of his hair and having grabbed his junk at least once. What? When fate throws you in to something you have to take it and run with it, even if that means molesting a rock star on national television.

 

 

2) Russell Brand is like the english version of Dane Cook, only funny: Russell, Russell you crazy ass perv. As always he was hilarious. Some may have found him to be cras or out of line but that’s what makes him funny. I love how he kept saying he was gonna impregnate Lady GaGa. I loved how he pretty much insulted some of the most important people in music yet never crossed the line and talked shit about MJ (even though he could have and it would have been honest). I also loved how he even talked shit about himself and the ridiculously tight pants he was wearing but never changed clothes. But most of all, I LOVED HIS PANTS. Thank you and please always wear them.

 

3) Kanye West loves Fishsticks : I hate this guy, really.HATE HIM. Let me just say that I am not a huge fan of Taylor Swift, I respect her as a musician but that’s pretty much it. Let me also say that I’m not a big fan of Beyonce, again, respect her artistic gangster but the buck stops there. Then here comes Kanye West, the biggest D-Bag ever and he succeeds in making me do 3 things I thought I never would, 1) Starting to actually give a shit about TSwift, I never did, in fact I recently booed her on the phone while my BFF sang her praises but I found myself last night wanting to hug the poor girl and buy her CD so she would feel better, 2) He made me like Beyonce. In general I think she is over-adored and way too played. The girl is pretty, she has a nice ass, she can half ass sing. I just think that people hang the moon on that chic primarily for her physical attributes and not based on her talent which is well… lacking. Then she pulled this move last night and let TSwift have her moment. Classy and much needed, I think I’ll like you now ya bitch. and 3) Making me hate him more, I hate him, it’s a known fact that I think he is an over confident windbag who should have died in that car accident and who has done nothing but feel entitled to awards he hasn’t earned and rights he doesn’t deserve since he came out and to add to that he went and stole something from some poor little girl who has probably waited her entire life for that moment. YOU SUCK KANYE WEST! Die already, please….. no but really…. DIE.

 

4) OMG It’s the New Moon trailer!!!!: Okay I screeched like a 12 year old girl when it was over. I’ll admit it. I loved every second of that trailer, even the parts that were in no way a part of the book, like Edward gettin tossed around in the Volturri part at the end, WTF was that you bitches? I loved seeing Rob all sexy like and I loved how KSpew tried to hide her mullet by pulling it back. Most of all though, I loved how my son watched the trailer and when Jacob Black turns into a wolf he said ” MOMMY!, Shark Boy just turned into a wolf!” I laughed so hard I peed a little.

 

 

5) Jack Black loves the Devil: Um….. really Jack Black? Are we praying to the devil now? Hmm…. awkward. The best part was that when they flashed to the crowd the audience was actually praying participating in your bad humor! It was at most a joke that wasn’t funny and at the least offensive and shameful. Before you all start to close this blog with the fear that I’ve gon  all Jesus lovin on you stop. I haven’t. Not all religious, not thumpin bibles or dancin with the holy ghost. The thing is though that everyone watches the VMAS, kids included. Maybe praying to Satan on a show you can almost guarantee children are watching is in poor taste, maybe it’s a wicked stupid thing to do even. I would expect more from a parent, I would expect more from a guy who does kid movies. I would expect more from a box of hair or a dead goldfish for that matter, pretty much anyone who has a pulse should have known that was not cool. Cool points lost dude, you are officially an ass.

I’m coming, just trying not to die here

{ September 13, 2009 @ 1:37 am } · { Uncategorized }
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Hey my loyal readers (all 8 of you). I know it’s been a while but I am sick with the flu and trying to recover. Be patient, I hope to be feeling more myself soon and then the posting will be on full force people. I am thinking of lots to write about so hopefully when we get back it will be as offensive and hilarious as ever!

Much Love,

AquiredTaste

5 really annoying things I bet you do…. So stop damn it!!

{ September 2, 2009 @ 1:01 am } · { Uncategorized }
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number5

Lots of us have annoying little habits, biting our nails, blowing guys in dumpsters, or maybe telling your friends that their outfit is so small it looks like it’s made out of camel toe and not cotton. Well we here at 5 are all about doing public service blogging so for your 411 here are 5 really annoying things that you have done or might do. Disclaimer: If you read this and continue doing these things then it is totes not our fault if you get slapped, cussed out or have some ex write you hate mail ending it with the loving phrase “dueces bitch.”

 

1) Don’t ask for my opinion…you don’t want it: You know who you are, one of those people who calls your BFF asking for advice only to get pissed off when they tell you what they think. If you ask me what I think about you staying with your crack smoking cheating hubby don’t be mad when I say he is a big ole bag of assholes and you should leave him. If you want to know what I think about your hair make sure you want the answer. It’s not in most of us to hold back and it is soooo lamespice when you get all angsty over the truth. It may be a cliche but it’s true. The truth usually does hurt, especially when I tell it. I’m gonna tell you your new honey is great but that his snaggle tooth makes me throw up in my mouth a little. I have no problem telling you that you look like the kool-aid man in all that red. And yes folks, I will make it known that your breath smells like rotten garbage on a hot summer day. Just remember, you asked for it.

 

 

2) Thank you captain obvious: Don’t you just love when people ask the most obvious questions? I know I do. I love it when I walk into a room dripping wet and someone says “Oh, is it raining?” Seriously? No, it’s not raining, I just stopped to take a dip in the nearest river fully clothed. Or maybe they call you in the middle of the night and when you answer the phone they say “Were you sleeping?” They may even ask “What are you doing?” Uh, sleeping D-bag. It’s 2 am. The real question is why the eff are you calling me this late? If you feel the need to say stupid ass things just to fill the silence you’re better off not saying anything. No one loves a dumb ass. Just sayin.

 

3) For the love of god put some clothes on: This may be a touchy subject but just roll with it. I am all about self expression. You know, wear what you like, do what ya want. Every now and then some unfortunates just seem to take that to a whole new, nightmare inducing level. Just cuz you can squeeze yourself into it doesn’t mean you should wear it. Now before you get your undies in a bunch hear me out, this is not some tirade about overweight people wearing tight clothing. It’s a tirade about all people wearing wrong clothing. If you have a hairy ass back then maybe you should opt for a shirt that provides you some coverage instead of the wife beater you’re all so fond of. If you’re on the plump side then my suggestion is anything with spandex is a big old no. You may be heading out to the club and decide to wear a dress. If so, don’t get on the mechanical bull and flash your thong to the crowd no matter how cute it is. Guys don’t make passes at girls who flash asses.It’s just some rules to live by. No one wants to see your stomach hanging over the top of your pants or your furry ass crack. Use some common sense and if all else fails a razor.

 

4) Sure stranger you can talk to my kids: The ladies are soo gonna get this one. Say you find yourself in the holiest of shopping spots, Wal-Mart. You have your way cute kids with you and some crazy ass strangers decide that it might be fun to walk up to you or you child and start talking to them. Especially when you have a small baby people seem to think the creepy strangers rule doesn’t apply. STOP TALKING TO OTHER PEOPLE”S KIDS!! No one wants to have some random a-hole all up in their kid’s face or touching their babies’ toes. Who knows where your hands have been. More importantly I don’t know you and you’re setting off my crazy folks alarm. Back off and stop telling my baby how you could just eat them up or asking them if they want to come home with you. I’m pretty sure if they came home with you I would see your face on Dateline and the thought that some random person might eat them up is terrifying. You are just creepy and it’s never ok to invade people’s space like that. We suggest you get the jizz back before we mace you or pull out our camera phone and take your pic for the po pos.

 

 

5) Yeah,they went to the mall..supossably: It’s like nails on a chalkboard. When your pals or co-workers or Joe Fuckface on the street says things like that it makes me believe in violence. There has to be at least one person in your life that has told you that what you just said makes you sound like you have the IQ of a box of hair. Let’s try this, only use words you can spell. Now now, I do realize that would cut the use of words in the english language down but if people are going to use them like that eff it. I hate having a conversation with some one I regard as intelligent and then hear them utter something like irregardless. I can guarantee if you’re a man it’s a deal breaker. You say dramastically and you’ll be lucky if I don’t hit you in the face with my stiletto.  To use words like that and be an adult is just ridiculous. If you can’t talk without butchering the english language then shush already and leave the speaking to those of us who have gotten through the 3rd grade.

 

For a long list of hilarious other annoying things people say or do check out  http://www.angelfire.com/ri/flamingeggplant/Annoying.html

5 reasons New Moon is bad for you

{ August 14, 2009 @ 2:11 am } · { Uncategorized }
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By now most of you have seen my Twilight post on why I think that the addictive book is bad for you. Of course with the impending release of the New Moon movie and the growing love of all things Twilight related we had no choice but to do a New Moon edition. You see this installment is just as bad for you, if not worse than, its predecessor. Here are the 5 reasons we think New Moon could change your world in an unhappy kind of way.

 

 

1) Enter Jacob Black: Just when you thought that Twilight would ruin you for all men and that no-one could ever be as perfect as Edward, here comes Jacob. He is just as hot, if not more depending on your type. He’s smart, he’s sweet, and he’s all supernatural giving him the sexy/ scary edge we all know and love. You can’t help yourself from wanting to buy ugly wolf t-shirts and dream catchers. You may even consider joining an Indian tribe just to see if you can find your own wolfy counterpart. Edward is amazing, making you want your man to sparkle and always say the right things. Jacob makes you want your man to sprout fur and fix cars like a real man should. He’s just as bad for your love life as Edward and even worse, you want to betray your dumpster fantasies in favor of a more plausible fantasy. Something involving a dirty shack garage and motor oil comes to mind. Damn it. If you weren’t before you definitely are now. That’s right, you’re ruined for all men and you don’t even care.

 

 

2) Your friends are seriously lacking: New moon is filled with more tried and true friends than any one stupid clumsy way luckier than you girl should ever have. Jacob is all beautiful and funny and knows how to fix motorcycles which he does willingly. Not to mention that he helps cover up all your highly dangerous and illadvised extra curricular activities without ever stopping to think twice. He protects you frm all the evil doer types and he’s pretty nice to look at. Then Alice shows up all concerned and giving you great fashion advice and you realize that your friends suck. BAD. Your best guy friend calls you to change hisflat tires and he totally would rat you out for being dumb. He’s always saying things like better safe than sorry and before you thought the protective thing was cute, now all you want him to do is take you cliff diving and STFU. Your best girl friends are no where near as fashionable as Alice, in fact you can recall a horrific pair of bright yellow shorts and teal green corduroy bell bottoms that they once wore and it makes you want to vomit. Alot. New Moon will make you realize that your friends are just whiny fashion victims with no super powers and nothing even remotely interesting to contribute. Who needs friends anyway? You’ve got your lil Edward action figure and 3 copies each of the Twilight Saga. What more could you need?

 

3) You got a death wish?: After you’ve finished your now worn out copy of the second Twilight book you are left wanting more. You remind yourself of all the best parts and then it hits you: you want to hear voices, you want to die. Okay, maybe not die but attempt it in hopes of having some hot vamp voice warn you against it. You want to be saved too, you know, by the hot Indianguy in the book. You figure if you start doing things like dirt bike riding and jumping off cliffs you just might get lucky and have you r very own twilight inspired supernatural event. And hey, if all else fails, you heard that people with severe head injuries hallucinate. This is what we call a win win situation.

 

4) Travel is expensive: You and your bestie are counting down the days until the movie release of New Moon. Even though you live hundreds of miles apart the two of you have decided on the blessed day (november 20th, yeah i know that, what? don’t judge me) you are going to meet up at the half way point and watch the movie together for the first time. You start to save money any way that you can so you can squeal like crazed fan girls at the movie. You even consider selling your lil Edward action figure and all your Twilight tshirts on ebay to make some quick cash. You remember the last time you had to sacrifice for this book, reading New Moon by candlelight after spending all your light bill money on the book and lil E. Well that’s what love is, sacrifice. After much consideration you have come up with a brilliant plan for making money. You are going to spray your husband down with Halloween body glitter and whore him out as Edward Cullen, prostitute. The truth is you couldn’t care less who he sleeps with, it’s all too clear that he’s no Edward or Jacob so why bother?  All you care about is seeing this movie with your most loyal BFF and if you can get him to stop hounding you f or poon in the process bonus! And what’s better is when you get back from what you are referring to as the ” Holy Journey” you’ll have that much needed excuse to kick him out and make room for the hot twi- hard guy you met at the premiere.

 

 

5) New Moon raises your standards: It’s true, you are really looking at things differently now. You’ve come to some harsh realizations as a result of reading these books and you know that it’s time to make some changes. You need a man who can sparkle in the sun or who has wolfie speed and hunting skills. A hot friend with  benefits or a sexy mysterious classmate with golden eyes. The bad here is that those things don’t exist and no matter how many times your honey wears those plastic vampire fangs in the bedroom it’s just not good enough. Your friends have tried to tell you that what you want isn’t realistic but you don’t care. You will have your super sweetie if it’s the last thing you do.  You ignore everything they say. You don’t care that sparkly men are gay or that overly hairy men are just repulsive. The bar has been raised, there’s no turning back now.

5 best pick up lines… and by best we mean worst

{ August 3, 2009 @ 11:52 pm } · { Uncategorized }
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Have you ever been at the club or a bar and had someone feed you the cheesetastic pick up lines that are now nothing but a running joke? Or maybe you’re the one who needs a line, never knowing the right thing to say to the hot peeps all around you. Here are 5 of our personal faves. Disclaimer: Aquired taste is not responsible for you getting slapped or having drinks thrown in your face as a result of you using these, we are bat shit crazy people, don’t try this at home.

 

 

1) The Australian kiss one: You say: Can I give you an Australian kiss? They say: What’s an Australian kiss? You say: It’s like a french kiss…… but down under. WIN! If this doesn’t get you punched in the face a little bit of play nothing will. It’s everything you need in a pick up line, classy, romantic, and most of all respectful.

 

 

2)Hi. I’m an astronaut, and my next mission is to explore Uranus: Oh muh guh. I know it seems offensive, but tell the truth, is it the worst you’ve ever heard? Okay, worst case scenario, someone rallies their friends and beats the holy jesus jizz out of you. Or, depending on how you look at it, worst case scenario, someone says ok to this.

 

3)Roses are red, violets are blue, I have warts, so will you: It’s all about full disclosure with this one folks. You get to deliver this lil doozey with satisfaction knowing that you told them about your crotch rot up front and that you were funny and super classy about it. Nothing says class like poetry after all. And, bonus, you may even get a piece from it. You may realize when saying this that your special someone thinks you’re kidding about the warts thing but hey, you know what they say, “When you assume, you make an ass out of u and me.”

 

4) If you were my sister/brother, incest would be cool: UH….. awkward. Ok, ok. I’m trying to think here folks. I mean you can’t expect me to have hilarious things to say to everything can you? I mean be real here, this is pretty bad. Ok, good points, um, OOH! They will for sure know that you’re from Arkansas and that your family tree isn’t so much a tree as one really crowded branch. And, they would know you have at the least bendy morals so you may be fun in an unpredictable sister banging kinda way. Oh fuck it, I got nothin, Never ever say this. Ever.

 

 

5)I’ve had quite a bit to drink, and you’re beginning to look pretty good: Oh the romanticism! The flattery is overwhelming. The fastest way to a woman’s pantsheart is flattery. Who doesn’t like to have their ego stroked? Or their other stuff for that matter. You may have beer goggles but that sweet ugly swamp thing at the bar is gonna remember this forever. Men like to be told they are hot as much as a female and after a few too many, that dude with the missing teeth, funky breath, and hyper color t-shirt at the bar is gonna look good so go get em girls! Just remember, pick up lines are similar to charity work. Everyone needs a helping hand sometimes. Uggo’s don’tget that much play. But for 20 bucks(or whatever it takes to get you trashed) you could save a boy or girl in this bar.

 

 

Special thanks to ur home squish Luke for giving us some horrid lines that we made him promise he never would use and for turning us on to this site  http://www.linesthataregood.com/flattery.html. It was full of crazy ass lines and some of the ones listed are from the site. If you know Luke then please keep him from making an ass out of himself by saying this shit. He’ll do it, he’s that guy. Love you though!

5 reasons you should have listened

{ July 30, 2009 @ 2:23 pm } · { Uncategorized }
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Excuse the severe lameassness of the way this installment is laid out. Technical difficulties and all that. Any snooch, sometimes people are compelled to tell you things about your life, or the way they expect things to go if some drastic measures aren’t taken and if you’re like most of the population you don’t listen to it. Well we think people should listen to us darn it,we know things, you should give that advice another listen and here are 5 reasons why.

 

1) Who’s your daddy?: We all have those friends that love to spread joy in the world….. by banging as many people as they can.When you tell them that they’re gonna wind up like you  knockin someone up or getting knocked up, they respond that they know what they’re doing and not to worry. You tell them that babies aside they could catch some serious booty flu, blowing guys in dumpsters opens them up for all kinds of germs after all. You tell them all this from love but you get the distinct impression that not only are they not paying any attention, they are probably thinking about the next piece of unprotected, unsanitary ass they’re gonna get. Time flies by and before you know it you’re attending their kids 1st birthday party. I told you so don’t seem to fit what with the cuteness of a baby and all but in your mind you know they should have heard you out. Then you see them not so discreetly scratching their hoo-ha throughout the day and when you ask them WTF they are doing they tell you they should have listened to you, now they have a baby and the clap and it really bugs their honey every time they get to itchin all on their junk. Then they ask you for one more piece of advice, how long is too long before you tell your partner in baby makin about the itchy badness in your pants?

 

2) You could have skipped that altogether: Drama for days…. lame as shit. You got major stuff going on right now, the kinds of stuff that make you pick up the phone and ask your bestie what they think you should do. You’ve got man drama,big drama. The man you resentperson you’re married to is getting more and more less the man you want, more the man you want to kill. They tell you ditch that assface and you say you will but don’t, as usual. A few months down the road you startnoticing things, like your laptop has mysteriously disappeared, your kids nintendo ds is gone too. And, now that you think of it, you went to sleep with a wedding ring on and now your ring finger is covered  in Crisco but there is no ring. What the whofleck? You realize with no small amount of effort ( cause you’re dumb) that your sweetie has been hittin the rock again and your shiz is at the dealers house. Your honey comes home after what you can only assume was Tyrone Biggum’s crack party and when you ask him where your stuff is he tells you he has no idea, someone must have broken in and stolen it, and left everything else. Right. If you had jut left that cracky loser when your homie told you to you could have avoided this dramz all together. Next time you’ll be more open to what they tell you, and you’ll definitely start hiding your valuables, crack whores  are sneaky.

 

 

3) That is not a good look for you, or anyone: You and your pals love to go shopping together and spend time doing that as often as possible. Of course you have to ask their opinion on the clothes you buy, it’s your bestie’s job to insure you don’t go out of the house looking like Courtney Love. You head into a store and see it: the most faboosh pantsuit ever. It’s all tan and cream and made of suede and you know that if it fits you’ll be wearing it right out of the store. You race up to it so they don’t see it first and practically rip it off the rack and run to the dressing room. They follow you in and you try it on. It feels a little tight in places but over all you think it’s perfect. You come out for their thoughts and they give you that all too familiar look of disapproval. They say it looks like sausage wrap a bit small and maybe you shouldn’t get it. You know it’s jealousy talking, you look hot and this little ensemble is gonna be a major peen magnet so you tell them you’re getting it and, as you knew you would, wear it right out of the store. There are tons of hot guys at the mall today and the king of hot guys is walking toward you right now. You knew spending 3 weeks worth of pay on this was  a good idea, if it helps you get this hottie’s pants off it was money well spent. He says hi and tells you his name is Jason, he tells you he loves your outfit, and smiles really big at you. Oh god he’s hot, you start to breathe a little faster, it feels like you’re dreaming, he may be the hottest guy you’ve ever seen up close. Then it happens, He smiles again and says ” What’s that made out of, camel toe?” He laughs and shoves his number into your friend’s hand then turns and walks away. Your friend is so shocked she just stands there and then suggests you go and return the outfit before the store closes, as you walk to the bathroom to change you realize that you shoulda listened and maybe you’d be getting some hot mall guy play instead of her.Now you’ll forever be known as the girl in the camel toe pantsuit. Fuck my life.

 

4) Your starting to see what they meant about the gay thing: Your boyfriend has a friend and you really like them. She has been friends with him since before he met you and he says she’s his best friend and wants you to get to know her. Before you know it you love her too. This chic is bomb, she’s cool, she’s funny, and she’s loyal and you love that about her. She talks less and less to him and more to you and before you know it, she’s your bestie too. One day she tells you she has to reveal something to you, your man used to be gay. Before you he was all about the peen and she actually met him through his ex boyfriend. You are a lil turned on  horrified, and you don’t believe her. You quit talking to her and decide she is trying to come between your relationship. Maybe she wants him. Then in the next few days you find yourself paying more attention to him and what he does. When his boys come over for a few beers and they start to wrestle on the floor you could swear you see him grab an ass and then get a semi. A few days after that your photo album full of Rob Pattinson pictures (what? That’s normal.) comes up missing and you find it in the bathrrom with him, and he’s all sweaty and out of breath. EWWW! You start to think maybe she was right and you regret cuttin her off. Before you know it your man is asking you how you feel about 3 somes, and not with another girl. You should have heard her out, there always were little things and in retrospect you see them now. Like the time he took you to a musical for your b-day, or when he gave you a makeover at home, and it looked good, or of course that time when you caught him making out with a dude in the stairwell of your apartments. Silly,unobservant you.

 

 

5) They said she was a slut,and they were right: Your hubby is great and you have an amazing relationship. The only problem is he hates your  BFF. He tells you she’s a slut, he tells you he doesn’t like her and he doesn’t want her around. He tells  you she can’t be trusted and you have no idea why he is being this way. She is amazing, you’d trust her with your life. Yes she can be a little promiscuous but who are you to judge? It’s not your business who she sleeps with, you love her anyway and don’t judge. You don’t care if he likes her or not and you keep her around. He eventually starts to come around and you guys all hang out together. You don’t know what you would do without her, you feel lucky to have her in your life. Hmm, this is strange though, you to notice that they are hanging out alot without you. She calls and talks to him on the phone instead of you. They go out alone and don’t come back for a really long time. Then it hits you, she is a slut and that slut is crewing your man. After you have tracked them down and beaten them both with the tire  iron your mom said to always carry, for protection, you realize that he was right. You wish you had listened to him but what are you gonna do now? You head to the house to burn his clothes waiting to exhale style and on the way stop by her job to get her fired. Yes, he was right, you should have cut her off, you should have dumped her and held onto him. Ahh, well. You happen to know that she has a raging case of crotch rot and that before he knows it that min peen he’s packin will likely fall off. Next time though,you’ll listen. Honeys before whores or something like that.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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