Our Turkey Day 5

{ November 26, 2009 @ 7:26 pm } · { Uncategorized }
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As with all holidays, there are just some things that suck and some things that rock out loud. Maybe you can’t stand drunk Uncle Carl hitting on your wife and shortly after passing out in the gravy boat your nana gave you. Maybe you would deal with Uncle Carl every damn day of the week for your mom’s dressing. While we LOVE the holidays and feeding people( no seriously. It’s what we do), we thought it all too fitting to post our first ever Thanksgiving blog about why this holiday may make you wish you choked on the wishbone.

 

 

1) Um, is Uncle Carl naked…again?: Every holiday people gather and spend time with their family, it’s what makes holiday’s so special. Except that you can’t stand 90% of your family and they are nothing but a source of embarrassment or disappointment. You think that your family more resembles the Hitlers than the Brady’s and the fact that you HAVE to tolerate them for this holiday is a cruel joke. Your sister’s hate each other, your mom and her new hubby are there and so is your dad and his new wife or as your mom calls her ” little miss new boobs”. This isn’t a family gathering, this is a bunch of people who hate each other sitting in the same room for the sake of tradition. It’s always a blood bath and you know it’s only moments before they all start tearing each other apart. To make matters worse Uncle Carl is slowly disrobing, first the shoes, then the belt, the sweater…and if he keeps hittin the ” social beer every once in a while” like he LOVES to do, he’ll be naked stradling rudolph in the front yard again. Ahh…there’s no place like home for the holidays.

 

2)Um….please get your shoes off my face: Black Friday.What a horrible day! “Are you going shopping on BLACK FRIDAY?”  If Black Friday is two days before Christmas, then yes.  People go nuts over Black Friday.  The turkey hasn’t even digested yet, and Christmas psycho-paths are in their cars, bleary-eyed, “Silver Bells” blasting on the radio.  Nothing like beating back violent parents at a Wal-Mart for a plush dinosaur to ring in the holiday spirit. What’s worse is these people who are out are probably out to save money, to get the most out of their money, to make the holidays as amazing as possible for their family. I only have one question, When Timmy wakes up on xmas morning and mom tells him Daddy can’t be here cuz he beat an old lady in a a hover round to death  with a ceramic santa for the last Bakugan, will he feel the spirit?

 

3) Hosting…a synonym for fucked from the jump: Joy of joys! Last year at the travesty now being referred to as “turkey gate” you were elected to host this year’s festivities. You pushed the thought out of your  mind until around Oct.31st when your aunt Nellie reminded you that she would be expected lactose free ice cream at the dinner. As you ask yourself WTF lactose free ice cream is it dawns on you, you’re the host. They are all coming to YOUR house. Before you know it you’re in the full swing of things, buying groceries, getting lists of food allergies for all your relatives from your mom, and then the reality sets in. You start to really think about who is coming to dinner. You start hiding all your jewelry so your clepto cousin Carrie doesn’t make off with it. You put a lock on pay per view so your “drunkle” won’t run up your cable bill like he did 3 years ago at Nanna’s house. You finally wind up renting a storage unit and hauling all of your stuff over there for safe keeping until the crazies vacate your house. When they all show up and there is nothing but bare floors and a table it dawns on you that you are a genius! They all start fussing over your lack of..ell, everything. You know when xmas comes you will be raking it in and they will NEVER ask you to host again. Thank god! You mistakenly packed your clap cream in the storage unit and your no no place has been itching and burning for 3 days. Another holiday at your house and your hoo ha might well just fall off.

 

4) Guilt, Guilt, Guilt: Don’t get me wrong. I’m seriously pro-gratitude. Done right, it hooks you up with powerful happy drugs easing their warm soothing glow through your veins.As far as goofy natural highs go, gratitude is second only to being in love.But when you’re told you should be feeling grateful, it drains out 99% of the fun. Force-fed gratitude is the worst.Worse than having to warn your lovely hosts that you are sugar-free and vegetarian (Note to self: bake a loaf of juice-based bread to bring, and plan to wax poetic about the salad).“I should be more grateful, things aren’t that bad, I don’t deserve to be dissatisfied … what’s wrong with me?”Worse, this pressure to be in a state of gratitude (and the guilt over not being there yet) is only exacerbated by the slew of well-meaning family and friends telling you to Think Positive, Delete Negative Words from your Vocabulary, and offering various other annoyingly know-it-all bits of advice.The good kind of gratitude is the kind that shows up on its own. Out of nowhere you are struck by a glorious sense of remembering.You suddenly remember how cool it is to be alive, how fortunate you are to be living this life of yours, how beautiful it is to be on your crazy, unique, surprising path. Maybe you even recall that you actually can’t stand the word “path”( ewwwwwww), and yet here you are using it anyway. The guilt about eating all that food and having to spend everyday until New Year’s at the gym to make up for it is enough. You come to gratitude on your own, you realize that despite all the holiday fueled guilt, things are going pretty well this year. Your crazy ex finally stopped sending you dead squirrels via fed ex, your drunkle has managed to keep his pants on…wait, scratch that, and at the end of the day you do love your family. Especially this one…now where is that jewelry box?

 

5)Thanksgiving… another pushy holiday: People expect too much on thanksgiving. They think you should be reflecting about your year, thinking about all the good you’ve been blessed with. You are expected to be happy and feel the spirit of the holidays. Well… bah humfuck! I will think about the way my year was, say oh.. I don’t know….THE END OF IT! So things may have been good til now, what if I wreck my car or lose a toe to frost bite? That’s pretty much gonna cancel out the happiness I felt from getting a raise in January. The holidays stress most people out, trying to figure out how the eff you’re going to pay for all those gifts, I mean jesus, try birth control for god’s sake, you have more nieces and nephews than a mormon! It’s all stress fille and unnerving. To top it off you have to venture out into Black Friday just to save a few dollars and risk being trampled to death over a tickle me Elmo. Thankful? No, try hopeful. Hopeful that this year is over soon and the next one brings hookers and lotto winnings, then..and only then..will I be grateful.

 

Happy Thanksgiving everybody! I love the holidays and hope everybody has a great time! Please excuse our surly demeanor, we, love all holidays and winter is my absolute favorite time of year. Be safe and keep coming back!

 

WE SAW IT!

{ November 20, 2009 @ 11:51 pm } · { Uncategorized }
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That’s right ! We saw New Moon today and it was effin amazing! So, please be patient while we try and stop ourselves from screeching like the twihard fan girls we are and decide on what to put in th eblog about said fanfukkintastic movie. Look back over the weekend! We promise it will be worth the wait( that’s what she said).

I went to Memphis for my Birthday and all I got was this stank ass Pillow

{ October 30, 2009 @ 3:07 pm } · { Uncategorized }
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memphis pillow

As some of you, or none of you, know, I am from the sewage drain pipe home of the blues, Memphis TN. Most of my fam and friends still live there even though I have been gone for years. So this past weekend as we celebrated our 27th 19th birthday, some of our friends brought us home for the festivities. Here is the 5 edition of my birthday weekend in Mtown.

1) RedBird: You know how it is, you go out of town and you have to see people. Sometimes those people are ones who you would rather not spend your precious few moments on but whatevs, you do it. So while you and your cohorts are preparing for what will either be really pleasant or excruciatingly painful, your buddy decides you need a safe word. No, not the kind that those sicko dominatrix freaks use, but kinda the same concept. You laugh hysterically as you all throw out ideas, maybe steeple, with pointed fingers, here’s the church, here’s the steeple, open the door and run for your life. Or maybe something obtuse, like red bird. You wind up leaving without ever actually choosing one and when you find yourself at the house that boredom built you start to feel like you need a way out. Then, SAVIOR! You look over and see you homie with pointed steeple fingers, could he be as bored as you are? Who cares? Get it goin, so you utter those two words… RED BIRD. You look over to your bestie and start wildly, loudly, repeating those words hoping that she catches on and before you know it the entire room is staring at you wondering why the eff you keep screaming RED BIRD, FOR CHRIST SAKE, RED BIRD! While your bestie finally realizes what you are talking about, you have collapsed into hysterical fits of laughter, joined by your buddy. She finally snaps to and you all start gathering your shit and making excuses about having to pee, or shower, or be anywhere but here. Thank god for code words. And if you’re reading this and recall a certain group of people in your living room laughing and screaming RED BIRD, rest assured, I’m talking about someone else. No, really.

2) What happens on Beale stays on Beale, and the parking Garage, and the scary ass ride home: We knew we didn’t want to go to the world famous Beale street before we went to Memphis, but we did anyway. Damn persuasive friends. Our girl,and co writer Kimmie was gracious enough to inform us of a lil diddy called a “call a cab”, and sweet jesus, we should have. After the three of us, me, Kimmie, and our bestie dude friend, Luke, consumed around eleventy ten of those strong ass drinks it got hairy. We found ourselves standing outside, smoking cigarettes and laughing at all the weird looking people walkin by. Then, golden moments happened. The kind of hilarity that only ensues when one or more people are drunk and not just a little. While standing outside, partaking in sweet cancer, a latino man came and stood by us. A very large latino man. I said someone among us says ” He looks like a Latino Fat Albert”, as if that wasn’t enough…. it was followed by. HOLA HOLA HOLA, es Grande Alberto! OMG. Our buddy Luke swears that the rude comment made by someone who is definitely not me, was heard. The point is, would he have heard it if Kimmie and Luke weren’t doubled over and crying laughing? I think not. It’s all about discretion people. This is clearly all your fault.

3) Don’t make me get a screw driver: So Saturday was the big day. My birthday. We hung out, did some Red Bird type activities, and Saturday night, had quite the shindig at Kimmie’s humble abode. Lots of people came, but more importantly, lots of liquor came. Lots and lots and lots of liquor. Our girl Sarah W., who is apparently a light weight now, came and we were so excited, hadn’t seen her in like 6 years and it was awesome. As the night went on she got more and more drunk. Here is a pic of her and I together, she’s on the right and her face pretty much says it all013, and of course, despite my smile, I can promise you, all I’m thinking is, ” uh…. please don’t puke in my hair.” She shortly thereafter, locked herself in Kimmie’s bathroom for a new record of 3 hours! You get the drunkest girl there award! Every time we tried to convince her to open the door she would respond with, inna minute! After 3 hours, Luke threatened her with removing the door knob with a screw driver and suddenly she was motivated to let me in.  Then I found her, wasted and half asleep, on the toilet, Elvis style ( like the inadvertent Memphis reference?). After I helped her off to bed so she could sleep it off and we could all pee for god’s sake, we drank lots more and I am ashamed to say, I fell asleep on the couch watching Twilight. Don’t judge me.

4) Is it just me, or is the DD Drunk?: So we’re at my party, it’s good. We’re drunk, as we should be. But…ok, let’s back track for a moment. Have you ever been at a party and had someone invite their friends without really asking you if it was cool? It’s a big no no, don’t be a douche! Truth is you were probably only barely accepted anyway, don’t fuck it up by bringing random people no one but you knows, it’s lamespice.N_E_hoo, such a faux pas was made and one of Luke’s friends thought she should bring a friend to drive her home so that she could fully enjoy the bountiful boos available. Thing is, her DD was drunk on arrival. Not just a little drunk either, the kind that makes you introduce yourself to the same person 17 times in the span of like 5 minutes.  Yes, she was that girl. That drunk girl who doesn’t know where she is but knows it’s a good time. The girl who grabs your ass in the midst of someone taking your picture and when you turn around says ” Hey, I’m Heather.” For future reference, if you can’t remember the other 17 times you intro’d yourself, ass grabbing? Not cool.  And, this is just a suggestion, you might consider callin a cab, cuz your DD isn’t gonna get you home so much as get you dead.

5) Time to go home, where the shit are my pants?: The good time has come to an end. It’s Sunday morning and I have to get up, pack my crap and head out with Luke so that I can catch a hellhound Grey Hound bus back to the SC. My girl Sarah W. wakes up and the first thing she wants to know are where her pants are, she obviously doesn’t remember me taking them so I could wash em, chunks are so last year. I pack up, and we head out. I know I feel slightly, okay REALLY hung over, and am dreading the thought of an 8 hour bus ride back to my lil hometown. As we wait at Luke’s for the bus he finally gives me my gift. An old used, and kinda musky pillow for the ride home. AWWWW, so thoughtful. Now I can sleep on the bus, or not. People, don’t sleep on the bus. Seriously, don’t. There are all kinds of creepy weirdos waiting for a juicy morsel of normal to fuck with the second you pass out. It’s the thought that counts though right? I hugged him and said thank you, and offered to mail him his pillow back( it really smelled), but he said it was cool. Always lookin out for me. All in all, it was a really good time, lots of boos, laughs, and drunken girls acting accordingly. Love it.

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5 worst places to find a mate

{ October 11, 2009 @ 2:05 am } · { Uncategorized }
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 Some of our friends are recently single and some are terminally single. As we watch them from the man we’re chained to our happy marriage, we have noticed that they seem to be looking for love in all the wrong places.

th_5CATSN9I1                                     

 

No way are they going to hook up like that and if they do it will prolly result in a trip to a doctor resulting in cream of some sort. Because we are the loyal and loving friends that we are we decided to send them a lil list of what we consider to be the worst places to hook up so they can save themselves from heartache…… and syphilis.

 

 

1) Bars, making ugly people cute for a millenium: Look, we all know I keepz it real soo let’s try to not be offended when I say this: YOU ARE DUMB. Let’s face it, Mr. Right isn’t gonna be at Denim and Diamonds or what the shit ever hole in the wall bar you frequent. And if you’re looking for the girl of your dreams she’s prolly not gonna be at the dive bar gettin drunk and singin Garth Brooks along with the jukebox or riding a mechanical bull. If you are interested in anything longer than the time it takes to clear up the clap then you should probably try broadening your horizons a bit. I’m just saying, if you want love it probably isn’t going to include the girl who blew you in a dumpster.

 

 

2) We be clubbin: Or we be….ahh fuk it. The club is a dangerous place for single people. Doubt it? Okay, let’s examine the facts: There is dark lighting. The kind that prevents you from seeing how truly fug the person you’re talking to at the bar is. Before you know it you’re ankle deep in garbage with some horrendous hose beast tryin to get your pants off. Not good. They serve alcohol. Bad again, I can pretty much sum it up with 2 words here folks: beer goggles. You think you have Megan Foxx and you wind up with Kirstie Ally. Scary but true kids. Staying away from clubs is a must when searching for your soul mate. You never want to wake up with a hangover AND an uggo.

 

3) Online: Helping Psychos find victims for over a decade: This internet dating craze is just that… crazy. What the fuzz knuckle are you people thinking?Why would sharing details with a stranger sound good to you? Would you just walk up to some random person on the street and be like ” Hi, My name is Gina and I like long walks on the beach and classical music.” No, you wouldn’t. It would be stupid and dangerous. You wouldn’t want Joe Blow stalker freak off the street to have your number or know what you looked like. Why would you give that info to someone who you have never met? RE-DONK. Besides, everybody knows that it’s all fat trekkies anyway.

 

4) They tried to make me go to rehab and I said hey you’re hot: Why is it when junkies check into rehab they find love? Are you fucking serious right now? Rehab? Like you don’t have enough shit going on already. I mean you’re at the low point in your life, a junkie. Now you think that, what, God sent you there to find love? No sweetie, he didn’t. And sobriety isn’t a more the merrier kind of scenario. When have you ever heard someone say ” You know what would be awesome? Another junkie!” Stop using rehab as your personal dating service, it’s weird. More importantly it’s doomed and in the meantime who knows how many times the 2 of you will swap out BJ duty so you can buy rock before you decide to get sober again.

 

 

 

5) Church, nuff said: If you’re at church and you bring home that special someone, how do you do it? You can’t really be yourself can you? You can’t tell them that you have this fetish involving feet and puppets can you? These are god fearing people we’re talking about. Is it even appropriate to try and holla at somebody in church? You all know how the lord feels about fornication and dirty thoughts. What if he heard you and thought you were thinking those thoughts about the lord almighty God. How do you think Jesus would feel if he thought you wanted to finally try golden showers with him? Not good I’ll tell you.All I’m saying is eternal damnation is a long time to be sorry about trying to get some play.

5 Reasons I hate Jon Gosselin

{ October 9, 2009 @ 10:09 pm } · { Uncategorized }
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5

Like much of the country, I hate Jon Gosselin. Not just the kind of hate that really means a general dislike either, real hate. Maybe it’s because he’s a cheater or a thief, or a shitty father. Who knows with all the many things he does that inspire hate in even the most forgiving of people? Here are our five reasons, although, if it wouldn’t totally break this whole 5 thing we have going on, we would list ALOT more.

 

1) Jon Gosselin renders sane women blind, deaf, and dumb: Why is it that when it comes to Jon G women act as if they are completely devoid of sense and senses? First Kate, who, might I say, I think is a crazy ass control freak but a genius in the terms of securing financial security for the family, lost her damn mind and married this pudgy pushover. Then she had a whole shit load of kids with him when she had to know he was a douche bag. I mean let’s face it, who doesn’t know, on some level, that their man is a d-bag?  Then he convinced the nanny to hook up with his ass when she already knew what was going on in his house and his life. Then again with a journalist, a GOSSIP journalist! Why are they all acting like they can’t see his bloated stomach or acne? Like they don’t know what he’s been up to or that he pulls more poon than R-Patz at a Twilight convention. I mean come on ladies, and I use the term loosely, don’t think that his hoe hopping is going to stop because of you! He has 8 kids, a crazy ex, and millions of dollars, he ain’t looking to hitch himself to anything but Ed Hardy and a big ole box of clap cream.

 

2) You got my money bitch?: Recent reports have surfaced suggesting that Jon emptied the joint bank account held between himself and his soon to be ex Kate. Seriously? You really thought that at this point it was a rational thing to do to take ALL of the money and leave the person raising your 8 kids with a grand? Wow, here’s a tip Jon, Google yourself. See what the world thinks of you. You’re not fooling anyone, we all hate you and I’m pretty sure that at some point in the very near future your kids will too. Lemme try and help you on your road to redemption. Here are some tips, 1) stop banging sluts, it’s bad for your image and your balls. 2) Spend less time wearing Ed Hardy and smoking cigs and more time buying Proactive for your yuckface and seeing your kids. 3) GET A JOB! You have 8 kids and divorce is coming hon, child support on all of those midgets is gonna be costly, maybe you should try condom endorsements, it’s obvious you didn’t use them in the past but we’re all hoping you are now!

 

 

3) What was your name again?: On his eldest children’s birthday he misspelled one of their names on the cake. Let’s just put it out there, no funny banter needed. It’s that kind of blatant douche baggery that makes me hate you Jon! Let’s be real here, you know that those kids are the only reason anyone even knows who you are or ever gave a shit in the first place. So now you can’t remember how to spell their name? Really? I bet when your check comes you always remember whose name is supposed to go on it! Try some decency, it might help people hate you less. If I were you I would just go to some 3rd world country, send in my child support checks and hope to geez nobody figures out where I am. And hey, there are always hot tribal bitches looking for a man with a few goats to knock them up and leave them holding the baby bag. Stick to what you know!

 

4) Just because: Some things are easy. Hating foreign dictators, hoping for world peace, and hating you. You embody all the things that women hate. You are a cheater, a liar, a shitty lazy father, UGLY, a tacky dresser, and a thief. If you wanted people to like you you sure are going about it the wrong way. You have to think honey, why would anyone like you?  What are you doing that people might find endearing? Banging sluts? Taking money from your own kids? Shamelessly whoring yourself out to the media? Yeah, no one likes any of that. Hire an image consultant for christ’s sake! When you go out in public just shut the fuck up already! Every time you talk you give us something else to hate you for. Maybe consider dumping the jobless pot smoking 20 something stupid shit Hailey that you seem to be so fond of. All I can say is you just being you is enough reason to give you a good swift kick in your nuts followed by a punch in the face.

 

 

5) Yeah….um….we can see you: You seem to be popping up on tv and saying things like ” People don’t know the whole story” and ” I’m just misunderstood”. Um….. no. You’re not. WE CAN SEE YOU ASSHOLE. All those pictures of you running around with random bitches and smoking and partying on yacts and shit, um, yeah, that’s you. It’s hard to misinterpret a picture of you sans meal tickets on a boat with that one slut drinking champagne while your WIFE is home with 8 effing kids. You’re not fooling us! We see you out there and we see the whole picture. You are a DOUCHE BAG, YOU ARE A MAN WHORE, YOU ARE A SHITTY LAY ABOUT FATHER. These are the facts honey, the sooner you accept it and try to change the sooner women across the country will not vomit and consider sterilization at the mention of your name.

5 reasons you may need to change

{ September 28, 2009 @ 1:49 am } · { Uncategorized }
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z52011561

 

 

Hi ! Long time no blog! It’s been a hot minute since we posted anything, the VMAS even, can you believe it? We got a nasty taste of Karma when we were uncerimoniously smacked down by the effin swine flu and it’s taken us a while to recover. BUT we’re back! And I don’t know about you guys but I defs need a little walk on the side of hilarity so here are our 5 reasons why you may need to change. Maybe you are in the crossroads of life asking yourself the age old question… stripper pole or med school? Or maybe you have recently decided that if your boss asks you to blow him one more time you’re looking for a new job, either way change may be in the cards and here is why.

 

 

1) Your boyfriend’s back….. and you hate that dick: The first sign that you need to change your current relationship status is if you aren’t happy when they come home. You just know the second he hits the door he’s gonna start in about work or the house or some shiz and if you have to sit through one more second of his bitching you very well might stab him in the eye with a pencil. On one hand, you always wanted to be on the news, on the other you’re way too pretty for prison. Ahh life’s little dilemmas. Of course you could see yourself with him for another thousand years( cuz that’s how long it feels like) but why? You hate this a-hole so it’s time for change. Ditch the douche and hop on to the first piece-o-sexy that crosses your path. Yes you will look like a delirious slut but what the eff? You know what they say, the quickest way to get over a guy is to get under a new one.

 

 

2)You need money and your boobs are way too saggy to climb the pole: You and your ex are splitsville and the alot of things have changed, except your rent. It’s still the same except you’re paying all of it now instead of having that stupid dick help you. You know you have to do something to bring in some cash but let’s face it, you had a baby or too and your boobs just aren’t as rockin as they used to be. You realize with a certain sadness that it’s time to pack up your clear heels and give up the pole cuz you’re a bit too old for that now. The only thing left to do is holla at your homie who works at the local Hooters restaurant and start slingin wings. If you think about it, you’re kinda like a sad old lady superhero, by day a conservative corporate climber, by night a hot wing slinger in booty shorts. Hey, what ever you need to tell yourself.

 

3) You want to move forward and your friends are running screaming in the other direction: Everyone hits a point in life when they decide it’s time to grow up and make changes. You are sothere. You know that major changes are necessary and that you have to make tough choices so you can be the grown up you always wanted to be ( you even bought big boy undies!). When you start to tell your pals about the new you all they have to say is negative garbage. LAME. They ask you what you think you’re going to accomplish by doing all this or if there is some sexy cougar you’re trying to hook up with cuz no way are you an adult. Sorry, no way. You decide that you are going to keep your plans in motion but be quiet about it, you’ll show those little people. As time passes you start to notice things, they sure are partying alot, in fact you have been the happy recipient of several drunken phone calls where your homie proceeds to cry about their dog that died….. in 8th grade. You see that they are out regularly whoring around with slutty loser types that have nothing to offer a mature adult. Well my friend here comes the ugly chic they sent to your house last night  truth: You need new friends. It’s clear that you have ideas about what it means to be an adult and responsible and while you will defs miss the bar hopping, drunken one night stands, and trips to the store the next day for you tube of Charlie Sheen’s clap cream, you have to move on. You know that adults don’t spend their time at bars or riding mechanical bulls. You know that all those random meaningless hook ups are pointless, what you need is someone you can build a future with. Besides that your doctor told you that another case of itchy nuts and your junk might just fall off. How are you gonna convince the girl next door to marry you if you have to explain the lack of junk due to excessive hoe humping? The future’s so bright I gotta wear shades.

 

4) People aren’t so much impressed with your youthful bluntness as they are pissed off at the mouthy old lady: When you were younger you said what was on your mind, you spoke the truth and were loved for it. You were known for your brutal honesty and it was something you prided yourself on. You were great to the people you cared about but god help the unknown masses, they were open targets for your honesty fueled humor. Now that you are getting a little older some folks are less and less amused by your commentary. So you called someone a desperate mess, it’s funny cuz it’s true. Or not, they made a point of telling you politely to go fuck yourself, only they made sure not to curse because it’s rude to cuss out old peoplethey are really nice and you have them all wrong. It seems to be a pretty common theme lately that people don’t appreciate all that honesty you have anymore. They want you to be docile and sweet. No more crazy you with the mouth and the quick witted retorts. No thanks. Maybe it’s time to change your ways. You should go ahead and face it, you’re rude. They don’t like it. Being brutally honest is not a pass to be shitty to people. But….. are they new here? They should know that no matter how old you get you will always keepz it real. You will call sad girls desperate and tell them they are behaving like confused overly horny teenagers. You’re gonna tell that girl at the mall her outfit looks like it was made from 100% camel toe and they can eat ass if they don’t like it. You may be getting older but you can’t teach an old dog… or some shit.

 

 

 

5) Your name’s bennett and you ain’t in it: Conflict conflict everywhere. It seems like all your peeps are going through dramaz in their lives and while you love them you just don’t want o deal with their shiz. It’s taxing and after all, it’s not your drama. YOu know that it’s time to take a step back when you find yourself worked up into a frenzy over your bestie bangin the bar doorman cuz firstly, you don’t give a flying fuck, and secondly..you’re a fan of some strange, no hating necessary. Your friends all call you for advice and a shoulder to cry on and you love that they can rely on you and trust you but maybe it’s time to stop all that. You have a slew of crazy badness going on in your own life and it hasn’t escaped your attention that they can’t be bothered to listen when your world is crashing. Better to have your own drama than deal with everyone else’s. At least you know who to yell at and blame all your problems on then. You decide a change is needed.No more being their crying shoulder, you’ll be focusing on your own messes for now and the next time some one calls you with their dramz you are gonna tell them that their friendship is like a prison….on the planet bullshit……in the galaxy of this sucks camel dicks. Put that in your pipe and smoke it.

Our Vmas post, and yes there are 5

{ September 14, 2009 @ 11:02 pm } · { Uncategorized }
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5pinkSo I know I watched the MTV Vma’s last night and I am fairly certain most of you did too so here are our 5 most fave or seriouslyhated moents from the show and yes people, we are going to comment on Kanye.

 

1) For old men you kinda kick ass: GREEN DAY BITCHES! I loved their performance last night. Yes I realize that they are not really old men ( if they are I’m old too) but it was crazy to realize that they were first on the VMA”s 15 friggin years ago. And I have always had this weird fantasty about being at a rock show and getting asked to come on stage, although I have to admit that if I were in the close proximity of Billy Joe Armstrong like those lucky peeps were last night there is no way I would have gotten off stage with less than a chunk of his hair and having grabbed his junk at least once. What? When fate throws you in to something you have to take it and run with it, even if that means molesting a rock star on national television.

 

 

2) Russell Brand is like the english version of Dane Cook, only funny: Russell, Russell you crazy ass perv. As always he was hilarious. Some may have found him to be cras or out of line but that’s what makes him funny. I love how he kept saying he was gonna impregnate Lady GaGa. I loved how he pretty much insulted some of the most important people in music yet never crossed the line and talked shit about MJ (even though he could have and it would have been honest). I also loved how he even talked shit about himself and the ridiculously tight pants he was wearing but never changed clothes. But most of all, I LOVED HIS PANTS. Thank you and please always wear them.

 

3) Kanye West loves Fishsticks : I hate this guy, really.HATE HIM. Let me just say that I am not a huge fan of Taylor Swift, I respect her as a musician but that’s pretty much it. Let me also say that I’m not a big fan of Beyonce, again, respect her artistic gangster but the buck stops there. Then here comes Kanye West, the biggest D-Bag ever and he succeeds in making me do 3 things I thought I never would, 1) Starting to actually give a shit about TSwift, I never did, in fact I recently booed her on the phone while my BFF sang her praises but I found myself last night wanting to hug the poor girl and buy her CD so she would feel better, 2) He made me like Beyonce. In general I think she is over-adored and way too played. The girl is pretty, she has a nice ass, she can half ass sing. I just think that people hang the moon on that chic primarily for her physical attributes and not based on her talent which is well… lacking. Then she pulled this move last night and let TSwift have her moment. Classy and much needed, I think I’ll like you now ya bitch. and 3) Making me hate him more, I hate him, it’s a known fact that I think he is an over confident windbag who should have died in that car accident and who has done nothing but feel entitled to awards he hasn’t earned and rights he doesn’t deserve since he came out and to add to that he went and stole something from some poor little girl who has probably waited her entire life for that moment. YOU SUCK KANYE WEST! Die already, please….. no but really…. DIE.

 

4) OMG It’s the New Moon trailer!!!!: Okay I screeched like a 12 year old girl when it was over. I’ll admit it. I loved every second of that trailer, even the parts that were in no way a part of the book, like Edward gettin tossed around in the Volturri part at the end, WTF was that you bitches? I loved seeing Rob all sexy like and I loved how KSpew tried to hide her mullet by pulling it back. Most of all though, I loved how my son watched the trailer and when Jacob Black turns into a wolf he said ” MOMMY!, Shark Boy just turned into a wolf!” I laughed so hard I peed a little.

 

 

5) Jack Black loves the Devil: Um….. really Jack Black? Are we praying to the devil now? Hmm…. awkward. The best part was that when they flashed to the crowd the audience was actually praying participating in your bad humor! It was at most a joke that wasn’t funny and at the least offensive and shameful. Before you all start to close this blog with the fear that I’ve gon  all Jesus lovin on you stop. I haven’t. Not all religious, not thumpin bibles or dancin with the holy ghost. The thing is though that everyone watches the VMAS, kids included. Maybe praying to Satan on a show you can almost guarantee children are watching is in poor taste, maybe it’s a wicked stupid thing to do even. I would expect more from a parent, I would expect more from a guy who does kid movies. I would expect more from a box of hair or a dead goldfish for that matter, pretty much anyone who has a pulse should have known that was not cool. Cool points lost dude, you are officially an ass.

I’m coming, just trying not to die here

{ September 13, 2009 @ 1:37 am } · { Uncategorized }
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Hey my loyal readers (all 8 of you). I know it’s been a while but I am sick with the flu and trying to recover. Be patient, I hope to be feeling more myself soon and then the posting will be on full force people. I am thinking of lots to write about so hopefully when we get back it will be as offensive and hilarious as ever!

Much Love,

AquiredTaste

5 really annoying things I bet you do…. So stop damn it!!

{ September 2, 2009 @ 1:01 am } · { Uncategorized }
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number5

Lots of us have annoying little habits, biting our nails, blowing guys in dumpsters, or maybe telling your friends that their outfit is so small it looks like it’s made out of camel toe and not cotton. Well we here at 5 are all about doing public service blogging so for your 411 here are 5 really annoying things that you have done or might do. Disclaimer: If you read this and continue doing these things then it is totes not our fault if you get slapped, cussed out or have some ex write you hate mail ending it with the loving phrase “dueces bitch.”

 

1) Don’t ask for my opinion…you don’t want it: You know who you are, one of those people who calls your BFF asking for advice only to get pissed off when they tell you what they think. If you ask me what I think about you staying with your crack smoking cheating hubby don’t be mad when I say he is a big ole bag of assholes and you should leave him. If you want to know what I think about your hair make sure you want the answer. It’s not in most of us to hold back and it is soooo lamespice when you get all angsty over the truth. It may be a cliche but it’s true. The truth usually does hurt, especially when I tell it. I’m gonna tell you your new honey is great but that his snaggle tooth makes me throw up in my mouth a little. I have no problem telling you that you look like the kool-aid man in all that red. And yes folks, I will make it known that your breath smells like rotten garbage on a hot summer day. Just remember, you asked for it.

 

 

2) Thank you captain obvious: Don’t you just love when people ask the most obvious questions? I know I do. I love it when I walk into a room dripping wet and someone says “Oh, is it raining?” Seriously? No, it’s not raining, I just stopped to take a dip in the nearest river fully clothed. Or maybe they call you in the middle of the night and when you answer the phone they say “Were you sleeping?” They may even ask “What are you doing?” Uh, sleeping D-bag. It’s 2 am. The real question is why the eff are you calling me this late? If you feel the need to say stupid ass things just to fill the silence you’re better off not saying anything. No one loves a dumb ass. Just sayin.

 

3) For the love of god put some clothes on: This may be a touchy subject but just roll with it. I am all about self expression. You know, wear what you like, do what ya want. Every now and then some unfortunates just seem to take that to a whole new, nightmare inducing level. Just cuz you can squeeze yourself into it doesn’t mean you should wear it. Now before you get your undies in a bunch hear me out, this is not some tirade about overweight people wearing tight clothing. It’s a tirade about all people wearing wrong clothing. If you have a hairy ass back then maybe you should opt for a shirt that provides you some coverage instead of the wife beater you’re all so fond of. If you’re on the plump side then my suggestion is anything with spandex is a big old no. You may be heading out to the club and decide to wear a dress. If so, don’t get on the mechanical bull and flash your thong to the crowd no matter how cute it is. Guys don’t make passes at girls who flash asses.It’s just some rules to live by. No one wants to see your stomach hanging over the top of your pants or your furry ass crack. Use some common sense and if all else fails a razor.

 

4) Sure stranger you can talk to my kids: The ladies are soo gonna get this one. Say you find yourself in the holiest of shopping spots, Wal-Mart. You have your way cute kids with you and some crazy ass strangers decide that it might be fun to walk up to you or you child and start talking to them. Especially when you have a small baby people seem to think the creepy strangers rule doesn’t apply. STOP TALKING TO OTHER PEOPLE”S KIDS!! No one wants to have some random a-hole all up in their kid’s face or touching their babies’ toes. Who knows where your hands have been. More importantly I don’t know you and you’re setting off my crazy folks alarm. Back off and stop telling my baby how you could just eat them up or asking them if they want to come home with you. I’m pretty sure if they came home with you I would see your face on Dateline and the thought that some random person might eat them up is terrifying. You are just creepy and it’s never ok to invade people’s space like that. We suggest you get the jizz back before we mace you or pull out our camera phone and take your pic for the po pos.

 

 

5) Yeah,they went to the mall..supossably: It’s like nails on a chalkboard. When your pals or co-workers or Joe Fuckface on the street says things like that it makes me believe in violence. There has to be at least one person in your life that has told you that what you just said makes you sound like you have the IQ of a box of hair. Let’s try this, only use words you can spell. Now now, I do realize that would cut the use of words in the english language down but if people are going to use them like that eff it. I hate having a conversation with some one I regard as intelligent and then hear them utter something like irregardless. I can guarantee if you’re a man it’s a deal breaker. You say dramastically and you’ll be lucky if I don’t hit you in the face with my stiletto.  To use words like that and be an adult is just ridiculous. If you can’t talk without butchering the english language then shush already and leave the speaking to those of us who have gotten through the 3rd grade.

 

For a long list of hilarious other annoying things people say or do check out  http://www.angelfire.com/ri/flamingeggplant/Annoying.html

5 reasons New Moon is bad for you

{ August 14, 2009 @ 2:11 am } · { Uncategorized }
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By now most of you have seen my Twilight post on why I think that the addictive book is bad for you. Of course with the impending release of the New Moon movie and the growing love of all things Twilight related we had no choice but to do a New Moon edition. You see this installment is just as bad for you, if not worse than, its predecessor. Here are the 5 reasons we think New Moon could change your world in an unhappy kind of way.

 

 

1) Enter Jacob Black: Just when you thought that Twilight would ruin you for all men and that no-one could ever be as perfect as Edward, here comes Jacob. He is just as hot, if not more depending on your type. He’s smart, he’s sweet, and he’s all supernatural giving him the sexy/ scary edge we all know and love. You can’t help yourself from wanting to buy ugly wolf t-shirts and dream catchers. You may even consider joining an Indian tribe just to see if you can find your own wolfy counterpart. Edward is amazing, making you want your man to sparkle and always say the right things. Jacob makes you want your man to sprout fur and fix cars like a real man should. He’s just as bad for your love life as Edward and even worse, you want to betray your dumpster fantasies in favor of a more plausible fantasy. Something involving a dirty shack garage and motor oil comes to mind. Damn it. If you weren’t before you definitely are now. That’s right, you’re ruined for all men and you don’t even care.

 

 

2) Your friends are seriously lacking: New moon is filled with more tried and true friends than any one stupid clumsy way luckier than you girl should ever have. Jacob is all beautiful and funny and knows how to fix motorcycles which he does willingly. Not to mention that he helps cover up all your highly dangerous and illadvised extra curricular activities without ever stopping to think twice. He protects you frm all the evil doer types and he’s pretty nice to look at. Then Alice shows up all concerned and giving you great fashion advice and you realize that your friends suck. BAD. Your best guy friend calls you to change hisflat tires and he totally would rat you out for being dumb. He’s always saying things like better safe than sorry and before you thought the protective thing was cute, now all you want him to do is take you cliff diving and STFU. Your best girl friends are no where near as fashionable as Alice, in fact you can recall a horrific pair of bright yellow shorts and teal green corduroy bell bottoms that they once wore and it makes you want to vomit. Alot. New Moon will make you realize that your friends are just whiny fashion victims with no super powers and nothing even remotely interesting to contribute. Who needs friends anyway? You’ve got your lil Edward action figure and 3 copies each of the Twilight Saga. What more could you need?

 

3) You got a death wish?: After you’ve finished your now worn out copy of the second Twilight book you are left wanting more. You remind yourself of all the best parts and then it hits you: you want to hear voices, you want to die. Okay, maybe not die but attempt it in hopes of having some hot vamp voice warn you against it. You want to be saved too, you know, by the hot Indianguy in the book. You figure if you start doing things like dirt bike riding and jumping off cliffs you just might get lucky and have you r very own twilight inspired supernatural event. And hey, if all else fails, you heard that people with severe head injuries hallucinate. This is what we call a win win situation.

 

4) Travel is expensive: You and your bestie are counting down the days until the movie release of New Moon. Even though you live hundreds of miles apart the two of you have decided on the blessed day (november 20th, yeah i know that, what? don’t judge me) you are going to meet up at the half way point and watch the movie together for the first time. You start to save money any way that you can so you can squeal like crazed fan girls at the movie. You even consider selling your lil Edward action figure and all your Twilight tshirts on ebay to make some quick cash. You remember the last time you had to sacrifice for this book, reading New Moon by candlelight after spending all your light bill money on the book and lil E. Well that’s what love is, sacrifice. After much consideration you have come up with a brilliant plan for making money. You are going to spray your husband down with Halloween body glitter and whore him out as Edward Cullen, prostitute. The truth is you couldn’t care less who he sleeps with, it’s all too clear that he’s no Edward or Jacob so why bother?  All you care about is seeing this movie with your most loyal BFF and if you can get him to stop hounding you f or poon in the process bonus! And what’s better is when you get back from what you are referring to as the ” Holy Journey” you’ll have that much needed excuse to kick him out and make room for the hot twi- hard guy you met at the premiere.

 

 

5) New Moon raises your standards: It’s true, you are really looking at things differently now. You’ve come to some harsh realizations as a result of reading these books and you know that it’s time to make some changes. You need a man who can sparkle in the sun or who has wolfie speed and hunting skills. A hot friend with  benefits or a sexy mysterious classmate with golden eyes. The bad here is that those things don’t exist and no matter how many times your honey wears those plastic vampire fangs in the bedroom it’s just not good enough. Your friends have tried to tell you that what you want isn’t realistic but you don’t care. You will have your super sweetie if it’s the last thing you do.  You ignore everything they say. You don’t care that sparkly men are gay or that overly hairy men are just repulsive. The bar has been raised, there’s no turning back now.

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